confused about sexual orientation

[Jennifer James]

Hi girls need some advice

lately i have been thinking about my sexual perference whatever I"m gay or bi.
I've been CDing since early teens and really got into it more mid 20s around that time I would always fantasize about getting dressed up and being with another tgirl or guy so I finally got the nerve to go out to a nearby gay bar dressed up with the help a TS i met online i got ready at her place we went out, i had a blast drank, dance, and socialized then i saw a cute cd we talked and after a few drinks we started to make out and before i knew it we were sitting in my car. We met a few weeks later again for more fun ;) That experience really changed me at that point i had never been with any gender as a guy I'm shy and not much confidence but as Jenn it was the opposite. I only like being with other tgirls if i'm dressed even one time i wasnt dressed but still enjoyed being with another tgirl. most of the time if i'm in guy i dont have interest in tgirls or guys sexually...when i do see a girl i'm first attracted to her outfit and dont notice much else and just her feminine mannerisms

i'm just really confused and need some direction

[Michelia]

Jennifer,

I really think that the only one qualified to find out what you are is you. Many of us go through periods where we are not clear about our sexuality. And we do not always fit neatly into any of the categories you listed, either. CD's sexuality can be quite interesting and rich.

I cannot give you directions, but I can give you some advice. Throw out all the worries about trying to define what your sexuality is and just explore. You will in time, come to terms with it. In the meantime, do not rush. Be careful and safe. It does sound to me like you move pretty fast. Nowadays that can be quite dangerous.

[joan47]

I feel the same way, I enjoy being with another T girl, either dressed or not

[Kate Simmons]

Despite what our persuasion or perceived persuasion expressing love for someone else is never a bad thing. :)

[donnalee]

It seems that you're finding your own direction just fine! Enjoy yourself, but be safe.

[Shananigans]

Hey Love,

I can't exactly remember what I said last night, but I'll try to remember so that maybe you can get some discussion on it. I said that if it's mainly when you are dressed, it's probably a fetish. I'm bi and no matter what I wear, I'm bi. If you get dressed as a woman and want to be with a man, this sounds like your heterosexual side speaking out. As a heterosexual, you see women as being with men. But, if you are hetero it might be easier to just be with a t-girl instead of a guy. But, girl, this is me just trying to come up with stuff and help you. I really have no idea. But, I don't understand sexual preference changing with what you wear unless you have heterosexual inclinations that women should be with men...and, when you look like a girl you follow with that logic. You have elaborated more with me on this topic, but I don't know what all you want on this forum...so, you can elaborate more if you would like. It's up to you. I knew deep down my sexuality at a really young age. I became interested in women at about the same time that I was interested in men. It bothered me for a while and I figured I was going to Hell. However, by the age of 15, it was just a fact. I only told people that I was dating because they were the only ones who really needed to know IMO. Either way, I think your sexuality is something you know deep down. You could be just experimenting...I've had a number of girls "try out bisexuality" on ne because they were curious. But, at the end of the day I'm a dirty little secret and they preferred men to me. So, just food for thought. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.

Love ya!!!

[Tina B.]

As Abby said, it's all good. What are you, Bi, or gay, or straight? does it matter what you call it, if you meet someone, have a great evening, and can look in the mirror in the morning, and say, wow last night was great, why would you care if it's a Tgirl, girl, or a guy. If you do feel bad about what you've been doing, then figure out why, because someone said it's wrong, or you just feel it's not you, and that makes you uncomfortable. If it's somebody said it's wrong, screw them it's your life, if you feel uncomfortable, stop it. But how can you figure out just what you are, and who you belong with, unless you get out there and try it all. The answer will come to you. When in doubt, try it out!
Tina B.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Have sex with who you want to.

Enjoy yourself without beating yourself up over societal norms.


Julia

[StarrOfDelite]

Have sex with who you want to.

Enjoy yourself without beating yourself up over societal norms.


Julia

Go where you wanna go and do what you wanna do with whoever you wanna do it with. That song is just as apropos now as it was in 1968.

[Marleena]

It seems that you're finding your own direction just fine! Enjoy yourself, but be safe.

Agree with this, you need to find out what is right for you.

[jazmine]

When i'm a guy. I am only attracted to GG's...but can appreciate T-girls. When I'm Jasmine, I can be attracted to other T-girls (more open to it), And can even like the attention from guys, ...because it's not that I am physically attracted to them....I'm just attracted to the fact that they see me as a girl & treat me as such...

[Lace-Is-Great]

Jennifer, that's great that you're out there, having various delicious experiences with other TG girls!

For myself, I tend to look at it from this perspective:
Regardless of labels, it's good to spend time with others who make me feel good!
Sometimes I like being with certain types of people, sometimes I like listening to certain types of music, and sometimes I like eating certain types of food.
But always I try savoring the things that I enjoy as much as I can!

Maybe in the environment and setting of Thanksgiving I might crave carved turkey breast and cornbread stuffing more.
Out on the beach, I may desire oysters, lobster, or shrimp more than other stuff.
And at friends' BBQ's I will probably want to bite into a nice ribeye steak more than anything else. lol

So, yes, I can totally relate how my tastes in people could drastically change whether I'm en Femme, en Homme, or somewhere in-between with someone who I might crave more depending on how I am and where we might be.

Omigawd, I haven't eaten breakfast yet... that must be why the food analogy came so easily to me! Lol

Jazmine, I totally get how you mention liking the attention from guys, without necessarily being physically attracted to them... being seen as a girl and treated as such.

BTW, I LOVE your tag line, "Oh my god, I'm a girl!"
:-)

I recently found that I've gotten two super cute female friends quite excited when they learned of my interest in crossdressing & the transgender world!

For me it's so hot to think of those female friends getting off by thinking about me in that way!
It's almost like those women are turning into guys --- becoming some kind of corporate businesswomen who have the power and freedom to do what only men could do before! Ravaging the world with their predatorial feminine carnal desires. Lol!

~ Danielle

[Aprilrain]

Use a condom! and for god sakes please don't cheat on anyone or fool around with someone who is cheating on their wife. I can't tell you how annoying I find it when CDes who I know are married approach me. What kind of girl do they think I am! and some have approached me knowing I have a boyfriend, WTF!!!!?

[docrobbysherry]

Beautifully said, Jazmine! CDs can separate their fantasies of being a, and being treated, as an attractive women from being attracted to men themselves!

When i'm a guy. I am only attracted to GG's...but can appreciate T-girls. When I'm Jasmine, I can be attracted to other T-girls (more open to it), And can even like the attention from guys, ...because it's not that I am physically attracted to them....I'm just attracted to the fact that they see me as a girl & treat me as such...

If u r attracted to men and male parts, no matter how you're dressed, you're gay or bi! Fantasies r one thing, even straights have those! Acting on them is quite another!

[sometimes_miss]

O.K., Jenn, here's my advice. Stop trying to figure out what you are and what category you belong in. Enjoy what you like, when you like it. Look at it like this; sometimes you want a woman, sometimes you want a man. How is that different from some days wanting vanilla, some days wanting chocolate, some days wanting rum raisin? Are you always a 'chocolate' person, and need to be described as such? No. So are you always a gay person? No. Are you always a straight person? No. Do you always crossdress? (Probably not).
Don't define yourself by any one feeling or behavior, especially since it's not there 100% of the time. After all, we've probably all had the desire to kill someone at some point when they did something REALLY annoying, but didn't. Does that make us all murderers? Nope.

[joanne anderson]

Hi there Jennifer.
I have not logged in for some time and was about to write up a thread, when I spotted yours. I too have found myself in the same dilema as you are going threw.
I've never had or shown any interest in my many years any desire to have relationships with other men at any time.
I came to crossdressing late in life and have only been dressing regularly over the past few years, recently I have begun to feel the desire for some sort of contact with a guy.
I puzzled over why this should occur now but I think that as I dress more often that more and more of my feminine is showing up with my thoughts and actions while dressing.
Now I'm fully comfortable as a " Female " and I suppose the finale step of recognising that form, would be for a contact with male while dressed.
These thought's have caused me such worry but after reading your thread and the excellent advice form other such as Michelie and Tina the answer to those worries lies in my own hands.
If I try it and don't like it then I need worry no more.


LOL Joanne

[Kaz]

Like many of us here I do fantasise about being a woman and having sex with 'guys'... yeah the number varies with the fantasy! The reality is a different issue... The problem I have is that I only want to be with guy when I am expressing 'Kaz'... the name for that side of my expressed self.. The added problem then is that any guy who is attracted to Kaz the CD, by definition, is not necessarily what I am looking for in my fantasy? In my fantasy I am a girl and he is a guy who is into girls. My fantasies do not include a bisexual male...

So I am conflicted too. As others have said the answer is to just be who you are and get on with it! I suspect that my preferred partner is another CD or a woman who is into what I do/think!

[Alice Torn]

Joanne, Dittos here. I am where you are now, never wanted to be with a man, but yearn to find out. If it is goes like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together, I will have found out. Of course, it may go better, too.

[Alice Torn]

Like others have said, it is not that i am attracted to men, at all! It is wanting to experience being appreciated as a woman, by a gentleman.

[OKPink]

I have been with both women and men, ts, cd'ers and enjoyed every experience. I have been dressed and not dressed.
I quit trying to figure out "what I was" and realized I was just me.
I think labels are how we communicate ideas, but really gay, straight, bi, etc. are labels that often don't apply to reality.
After all, because many men will not label themselves as gay or bi, yet have sex with other men, the medical world simply calls them "men who have sex with men" without trying to figure out where on the spectrum of labels a person falls.
Just be you, build friendships and relationships and treat yourself with respect as you enjoy the your sexuality.

[Aprilrain]

really gay, straight, bi, etc. are labels that often don't apply to reality.
After all, because many men will not label themselves as gay or bi, yet have sex with other men, the medical world simply calls them "men who have sex with men" without trying to figure out where on the spectrum of labels a person falls.

You bring up a good point, even if we leave homophobia aside for a moment their are likely many people who's sexuality is pretty fluid yet they can't identify with the "gay culture" so to speak and therefore reject said label. Someone else who identifies as gay may in fact be Bi but its unpopular to be Bi in the gay community so its just easier to say gay. I'm sure these sorts of oversimplification of ones sexuality take place all the time to save time and energy besides its no ones business besides your SO anyway!

[Shananigans]

You bring up a good point, even if we leave homophobia aside for a moment their are likely many people who's sexuality is pretty fluid yet they can't identify with the "gay culture" so to speak and therefore reject said label. Someone else who identifies as gay may in fact be Bi but its unpopular to be Bi in the gay community so its just easier to say gay. I'm sure these sorts of oversimplification of ones sexuality take place all the time to save time and energy besides its no ones business besides your SO anyway!

This is true. I think I may be pansexual, but it also is a little complicated because no one really knows what you mean by that. I just mean that I am attracted to people that I am attracted to...no matter gender or gender identity. If I was attracted to a woman and later found out she was TS, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I was attracted to a man and found out he was a CD, it wouldn't be a big deal. But, sometimes people ask if you are actively seeking out a TS person when you say you are pansexual (usually asking about pre-op)...and, since I don't really understand why someone would pay that much attention to genitals, I find it easier to say that I am bisexual. It still fits...I like men and women...but, sometimes those men and women are complicated (like my SO).

I think labels generally are necessary and make things easier, but sometimes it's hard just to throughly subscribe to one label.

I hope Jenn is feeling better and hasn't spent too much of a headache on this.

[ReineD]

I agree with the others. You should have sex with whomever you want. But honestly I don't think you're limiting yourself, just wanting to define your sexuality.


That experience really changed me at that point i had never been with any gender as a guy I'm shy and not much confidence but as Jenn it was the opposite. I only like being with other tgirls if i'm dressed even one time i wasnt dressed but still enjoyed being with another tgirl.

This isn't clear to me. Are you saying you've never had sex with anyone in guy mode, not even a GG? And also, you've only been with guys & CDs/TSs when you're in girl mode?



most of the time if i'm in guy i dont have interest in tgirls or guys sexually...when i do see a girl i'm first attracted to her outfit and dont notice much else and just her feminine mannerisms

i'm just really confused and need some direction

Well, if you're only interested in GGs for their clothes and femininity, it could be you're just drawn to them like a sister, and there is no real sexual attraction to GGs at all, not like you experience towards CDs & TSs when you are dressed?

So ... if you're not interested in GGs sexually, I'd say you're not bi.

[RitaRich]

Jennifer,
You are not alone in your confusion. I just finish a long chat with another CD on this subject. Both of us have been straight all our lives, yet we are dealing with the fact that we are attracted to each other. We've decided to not analyze, but instead just enjoy the moment.

[kellycan27]

It's just sex, and it washes off. Have fun experimenting until you discover what works for you. There's no right or wrong.

Kel

[Acastina]

... And can even like the attention from guys, ...because it's not that I am physically attracted to them....I'm just attracted to the fact that they see me as a girl & treat me as such...

I think there's a major insight here. I have also experienced attraction in response to guys appearing to be interested in me. Suddenly, you stop maybe judging based on first impressions and start letting down your defense behaviors, just because of the thrill of being perceived, regarded, and treated as a woman by a friendly man who somehow looks better with each kind word ;-) It just pushes serious buttons inside. Of course, there's a whole new set of anxieties that can set in then, primarily whether he knows your secret or not, and how he might react if he doesn't know and wouldn't like it...

[ReineD]

And can even like the attention from guys, ...because it's not that I am physically attracted to them....I'm just attracted to the fact that they see me as a girl & treat me as such...

This stood out to me too for several reasons. First, many people have said the same thing here, the idea that a man is a better foil for your femininity than a woman might be. You feel more feminine compared to a male partner than a female partner. Ray Blanchard, a sexologist, said it quite well:

"The effective erotic stimulus in these interactions, however, is not the male physique of the partner, as it is in true homosexual attraction, but rather the thought of being a woman, which is symbolized in the fantasy of being penetrated by a man. For these persons, the male sexual partner serves ... to intensify the fantasy of being a woman." - (Blanchard (1989). "The Concept of Autogynephilia and the Typology of Male Gender Dysphoria").

Second, I'm bothered by this because I'm putting myself in your partner's shoes. I am not bothered from the point of view of same-sex attraction, but because the sex act is more an exercise in self-focus than in the development of a mutual, emotional and physical bond.

In other words, you're not having sex WITH a partner, it is more about just using a partner to fulfill a fantasy about yourself. It's basically about auto-eroticism and your partner could be interchangeable. Now, if your partner is OK with this that's fine, but as a woman, I would hate to be in a position where I was someone's foil, an accessory so to speak. I would want my partner to be into me, just as much as I'm into him (or her). :)

[Jennifer James]

I appreciate all the great feedback

[flatlander_48]

i'm just really confused and need some direction

This is one of those situations where over-thinking doesn't help. Just guessing, I assume that you are into your 30's. Consider that it has taken you this long to come to the thoughts and questions that you currently have. In this context, sorting out your internal and external selves, sexual preferences and emotional preferences is not likely to happen in a days or even a few months, for that matter. You are dealing with some of the most complicated parts of our psychological being, so answers (but more than likely, other questions) will occur at their own pace. Some answers may require thought, others may require observation and still others may just need acceptance. However, the trick is to just keep moving forward as the pace is probably unimportant...

[ashlylynn]

I know a TOTALLY strait closet CD male who revealed ( to me only, and while LOADED DRUNK )
that his ultimate fantasy is to get a prostitute in another city and have her [/snip ... etc].

So I think the female experience is completed with a submission to another person.
That may be part of what OP is going through, regardless of orientation
and I hope that helps to sort that aspect out a bit... since there are (obviousl to me)
TWO separate issues .... sexual attraction and gender orientation
and which in the typical person ( not TG/CD ) are combined into ONE issue.

[BonnieSue]

I have always liked the idea of two women together. The female body is lovely and beautiful. But if I was a woman by birth, I could not stand the idea of some man being all over me. I love women and when I am dressed as a woman, all I want is my wife and to enjoy the idea of being with her and feeling what she feels. I hate the idea of some man in my life and I never could be gay. I am in no way attracted to male's but always have been to women.

[CassieV]

I've had bisexual tendencies for as long as I can recall, but I've only very rarely acted upon them. At the time I was going through some emotional drama, feeling kind of detached and so probably didn't appreciate it as much as I might have normally. Lately the interest has come back to the surface and it's fun to think about. I like who I like. Male bodies can be just as much fun as female ones. Like everyone else is saying, go ahead and try. Do it safely, and the worst that can happen is that you decide it's not for you.

[Jenn868]

hey girl I feel that however u feel you should be proud of who you are. If you are feeling as if you are gay thats tottally ok, don't be asshamed of who you are or how you feel there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Just go with whatever makes you happy and it will make your life a lot easier! hugs jenn

[lov2cd]

I am pretty similar to you.... I wouldn't worry about a title for it, and just enjoy!

[Badtranny]

Many years ago a very wise GG said this when I told her I've had sex with men and I'm not sure if I was gay or bi or experimenting.

"Sex doesn't make you gay or straight. I've been with women a few times but it was just for fun and I love c**k too much too be a lesbian. I don't even think I'm bi cuz I don't love women that way. Just because you let some guy F you doesn't mean you're gay necessarily, but if you want to make out with a guy and hold hands and do romantic things with him, then you are probably gay, get over it."

Back then I just laughed her off because I was still in the grips of self hate and confusion about my gender issues, but even though I haven't seen this girl in nearly 20 years I remember this conversation like it was yesterday, and in my case she was absolutely right. I'm queer as a 3 dollar bill.

Soon I won't look that way, but the fact remains. I was born a man, I love men, and surgeries will only serve to make me socially acceptable. I'm good with that.