Is Love Enough? (Told my Brother yesterday)

[abigailf]

So, I came out to my brother this weekend. I'll try to keep it brief, but no promises.

He and his wife are the first family members I told since I told my wife. We (my wife and I) needed to tell someone in the family as we will be telling the kids sometime soon (they figured most of it out already) and I wanted them to have a support line to talk to if needed.

They reacted much in the way I expected. There was the surprise and the shock of course. You know, it does not matter how skinny my jeans are or how girly my tops are or how much makeup I wear in front of them, they still had no clue until I told them.

There were tears, concerns and curiosity. Many questions were asked and answered. All in all we had a nice discussion. And the end result is they were happy we confided in them and they are there for us if we need.

The bitter side of this is the reality is starting to strike home to my wife. For the last couple of years it was just her handling it by herself and she did not want to talk to anyone about it. Getting her to open up to someone other than me was an ulterior motive I suppose, but an important one. And even though it was risky, there would be no growth for us if it didn't happen. So, I nudged her into letting me tell my brother.

The irony here is she told my sister-n-law before I told my brother.

Now, the bitter part is as this becomes more "real" to her, she is getting a better understanding of her limits. Part of our conversation was about us separating if I were to eventually transition all the way.

That's when reality hit home for me. I am on this train to transition and it is doubtful I will be getting off until the end of the track. It would be nice if I had it in me to get off sooner, but it looks less likely of that every day.

Which means, unless she can expand her limits it is likely we will be parting at some point in the future. That one thing will be the single most tragic loss of this transition. As sad as it makes me, I do understand that the alternative (hiding who I am) would be less pretty. If I expect to be the provider of my family that I set out to be, then I need to be whole.

We do have one thing going for us, we both do love each other very much. The question is, is love enough?

[Rianna Humble]

Good news about the reactions of your brother and sister-in-law but I am disturbed by your ulterior motives.

As for your final question, I don't have the answer, but I am fairly sure that love without trust would not be enough and by being less than honest with your wife, you risk jeopardising that trust.

May I ask, was your wife aware of your intention to transition when she agreed to marry you? Is she fully aware of it even now?

If she was not aware, then your wife thought she was signing up for a heterosexual relationship with a man, what you will be offering her is something quite different. Will that be fair to her?

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Abigail!

I am glad you had the courage to tell your brother and sister-in-law! The reality is you and your wife my end up separated, then divorced if she is already having second thoughts. I know from experience my wife and I are separating because of religious beliefs that she can not get over. Her family all knows, mine does not do to their distance from me 2000 miles. I knew this would happen and have already gone through most grieving process. Being TG is not without a very high price not just to you, but your loved ones as well. My wife is grieving the loss of the man she loves, fore it is like a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. We transform into women or men depending on who we were when we started.

Hugs

[AnitaH]

I'm glad things went so well for you, and I do believe that your wife needs to talk to someone and not deal with this issue alone. I'm not sure that is the method I would have chosen, but then I'm not in your shoes. Yes I am aware that being TG often comes at a high price in our society. You have my sympathy in that regard.

AnitaH

[Stephenie S]

If you love her, let her go.

Asking a heterosexual woman to become a lesbian is unfair. Asking a woman who knew she was marrying a MAN to enter into a lesbian marriage is unfair.

S

[Rachel Mari]

I don't see anything wrong in the reasoning to tell your brother and sister-in-law. It sounds like they would eventually need to know and the knowledge your wife now has of an additional person that knows will very helpful for her. She won't be as alone as she was (not saying you weren't there for her but for the view from her side).

I know you sense the pain that will be coming and my heart goes out to you.

[tiffanyjo89]

My guess is that even though she is okay with your being a woman sometimes (no matter how frequent or infrequent it actually is) she feels that she isn't gay and since she married you as a man, she would want to continue having a relationship with a man (even if sexual intimacy isn't part of it).

Call it being traditional, call it being old-school, call it being conservative, whatever you call it, she married a man and to her you couldn't provide what she needs if you were a woman.

That's not to say she couldn't change...

I myself gave it some thought a few years back that I'd like to live as a woman full-time (even going into at least partial transition) but then I started thinking. I was born a boy, spent (at that time) almost 18 years as a male, have many, many connections as a male (and I'm a very shy person naturally...even though I'll talk your head off when I get to know you) and plan on having a family of my own someday...so for me transition wouldn't have worked as I pretty much would have to start my whole life over as a woman without many of my family and friends and with awkward social shyness and without hope for starting a family of my own seed. I just feel I identify too much as a man to live as a woman for longer than a few days (and I'd LOVE to try that though I feel that any longer than a week and I'll start to feel weird)

I'm not much for giving advice (mainly because at my age, 22, I feel that any advice I could give is easily overshadowed by someone else's), but I will tell you this: If you feel that you can handle losing the current relationship you have with your wife, and potentially your kids, and be able to pick up the pieces and start over then by all means continue down this path, if you feel that it is the right path for you. If you want to keep your wife, though, I'd say that you might be forced to make a sacrifice of your potential life as a woman to be able to keep the happiness that the relationship with your wife brings. I've heard it said that being in a relationship is like giving up 90% of what makes you who you are, you must decide if you want to have a complete life as a woman (possibly without kids and definitely without your current significant other) or a partially complete life as a man with a wife and kids (and have to deal with the fact that you feel more comfortable as a woman).

Ultimately, it IS your decision to make, but do be aware that your decision will affect the ones you love the most...

[DanaR]

.................................................. ...................... If you feel that you can handle losing the current relationship you have with your wife, and potentially your kids, and be able to pick up the pieces and start over then by all means continue down this path, if you feel that it is the right path for you. If you want to keep your wife, though, I'd say that you might be forced to make a sacrifice of your potential life as a woman to be able to keep the happiness that the relationship with your wife brings. I've heard it said that being in a relationship is like giving up 90% of what makes you who you are, you must decide if you want to have a complete life as a woman (possibly without kids and definitely without your current significant other) or a partially complete life as a man with a wife and kids (and have to deal with the fact that you feel more comfortable as a woman).

Ultimately, it IS your decision to make, but do be aware that your decision will affect the ones you love the most...

Tiffany,

I don't think that anyone could say it better than you did. The only thing that I would add is something I heard many years ago, "don't run if you are on the wrong road".

[ReineD]

If you and your wife love each other, and she is and has been comfortable with you as a CDer (meaning she has been thinking of you as a guy who expresses a feminine side), then it is likely that her love will not dissipate entirely. But, its character may change.

If your wife is hetero, she may not be able to be married to a woman. I don't think it's a question of love being enough. It's more about sexual preference. She may well lose all romantic interest in you as you transition, but continue to love you as a person (provided she doesn't get angry over not having been told you were transsexual at the beginning of your marriage). She may be unwilling to stay in the marriage and live as a roommate.

Also, as you take hormones and androgen blockers, your own sexual preferences may change, so the question of whether or not your marriage can survive may well become moot.

I'm sorry, and I hope you will all be able to work through this peacefully. How old are your kids?

I think at this point, whether your brother and SIL know or not is immaterial to the larger picture. I'm glad they support you, but what did you tell them exactly .. that you are a TS, or a CD?

[kimdl93]

I think you're asking the wrong question, really. Its not like "love" is a commodity. Its more like a process - an action. Love isn't something you possess - its something you feel, express and share. If you want to continue to love your wife and continue to receive her love, then it seems to me that you need to figure out, together, how to integrate this part of you into the relationship.

You're not on a track. You have free will and can create an array of options for yourself and your wife. Its time to start exploring what those options may be.

[Sara Jessica]

He and his wife are the first family members I told since I told my wife. We (my wife and I) needed to tell someone in the family as we will be telling the kids sometime soon (they figured most of it out already) and I wanted them to have a support line to talk to if needed.

Interesting, I have a dear friend who disclosed to family members for largely the same reason. Not so much because of a plan to tell the kids but if by happenstance they were to find out, there would already be a support network in place.

That said, Tiffany offers some very sage advice from one so young. She gets it, what it could mean to choose a middle path.

Tiffany, I'd suggest to you that you fully explore where you are with this whole thing at this young age. You may ultimately decide you want a wife and family but you have an advantage of being able to make such decisions with a full plate of information.

Abigail, I'd offer the opposite advice. There is nothing that says your train has to run all the way to the end of the tracks. You have built a life that I'm sure has many things you love. Full transition is in fact a non-starter for many, if not most of our SO's and therefore, if you can find that place of equilibrium where you have enough space to express your inner being without fully transitioning, I'm here to tell you that is a very valid place to be. It doesn't come without struggle but the rewards can still be had. Good luck.

[abigailf]

Thanks all. Your responses are very helpful. In an effort to keep my original post short I did not go into any great detail. So, here is a bit more.

We’ve been married for 18 years and I known her for 22. My wife did not know I was a transsexual when we got married. In addition, I did not know I was a transsexual at that time. I did know I got a kick out of wearing lingerie and I have worn my mother’s dresses and makeup a few times as a teen. I thought little of these acts and considered them to be nothing more than a fetish and one that I was quite ashamed of. Also, growing up in that era was still a bit cut and dry when it came to “queer” things like that. Recently however I have discovered I have repressed memories about wanting to be a girl even when I was a teen. So it seems my shame must have been quite intense.

When I reached mid life my dressing became intense and I had my epiphany (I now understand it was likely the result of a hormonal change in my body) . I told my wife shortly after that. She was angry and confused of course and still is a bit angry at times. But she is understanding more and more about what I am going through every day.

She is not gay and she cannot be a lesbian. She had said this weekend that she does not find me attractive anymore. It was that statement that brought the reality home to me. She loves me and our family and is hanging on to that. I believe she is still grieving the loss of Tom. That may be a long process for her, but only when she is done will we know the fate of our relationship.

Our relationship was never based on sex, but rather on our qualities. We got along great and had many happy years of marriage. We had challenges, but got through them all. She has a seizure disorder and was on medication that decreased her libido. Sex was far and few in between. Like any good male I became intimate with Mary palm and her five sisters to compensate. It did not stop us from having a caring loving relationship or from having two kids.

“If you love something set it free…” It is in my mind constantly. Part of me hopes that I can stop and won’t need to transition anymore. But it is probably futile (damn them Borg!). Our relationship was probably doomed at that point, but it is not over yet, so I guess there is hope.

We do talk extensively from time to time. I told her I need to be on this path in order for me to be whole. I did not ask her to be a lesbian. I only asked her to stick with me as long as she can and to continue to love each other. She understands this and agrees to stay on as long as possible, but she cannot make any promises just as I cannot make any promises.

I am on this path because I am not a suicidal person, I am a survivor. I have seen and felt what I was like before I started the hormones. It wasn’t pretty. Even early on just before I told my wife, when my dressing was increasing we were distant with each other. I was distancing myself from everybody even my career just so I could express my inner me. I arranged to be a work at home employee so I could have more time dressing. I was losing my grasp on reality. I reached a breaking point. I could clearly understand why the suicide rate is so high among the TG community. I can’t go back to that. I won’t go back to that. I see transitioning as my only chance to move forward with my life, my only chance to survive.

--

My kids are 11 and 13. They know I like to be girly and that it is something I am born with as that is what my wife told them when they asked. They are not happy about it and the 13 y.o. is a bit embarrassed about it and doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. I am trying to get them to come to see the therapist one day as a family to discuss it.

My conversation with my brother was complete. We bared all; the good, the bad and the ugly.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, based on the second post, it seems you're doing what you can. The other advice I have is to focus on the process of being a loving partner, rather than on the outcome. It seems that your relationship is built upon being supportive and caring, and the physical aspect is really not so important to either of you. So, it need not become a "lesbian" relationship....just two people who care for each other as they journey through life together. That's not a bad thing.

I do think you would be well advised to get your kids into counseling, not just one day. This is a big change for them and they certainly could use help in making the adjustment.

[abigailf]

Honestly, based on the second post, it seems you're doing what you can. The other advice I have is to focus on the process of being a loving partner, rather than on the outcome. It seems that your relationship is built upon being supportive and caring, and the physical aspect is really not so important to either of you. So, it need not become a "lesbian" relationship....just two people who care for each other as they journey through life together. That's not a bad thing.

I do think you would be well advised to get your kids into counseling, not just one day. This is a big change for them and they certainly could use help in making the adjustment.

Thank you for that. I would be so happy if that is the kind of relationship we end up having together. She comes from an old world Italian family and has some real issues handling social stigmas. Not to mention the Italian guilt her mother bombards her with constantly. She is so afraid to venture out of her comfort zone and when she does she is often pleasantly surprised. But that is something she has to figure out on her own.

[ReineD]

Thanks for clarifying a few things, Abigail.

About your kids .. they are at an age when peer pressure is paramount, and they're also identifying their own gender and sexuality. They may learn to accept this, but there is a chance they will not be able to understand you until they are adult, especially if your wife is not on board with you over this.

I have another thought, and I hope you will not be offended. It is well known how powerful is the sexual aspect of crossdressing, and also that powerful experiences do alter our brain chemistry. If you and your wife had stopped being physically intimate years ago and your sole form of sexual release has been through auto-eroticism with a heavy dose of femme fantasies, then might this have aided in your current wish to transition? I'm not judging, just suggesting a possibility for you to consider.

Also, what do you believe your life will look like once you are a woman? How do you see transition affecting your job and the people in your life, and also finding future romantic partners? Again, I'm not placing value judgments, just asking you to read individual experiences in the TS section. Many TSs are happy with their decisions and feel fulfilled, but many others do not. It can't hurt to develop as realistic an outlook as you can, so that you can weigh all the options.

I have read in the TS section on several occasions that it has become common practice to prescribe a low dose of estrogen to help TGs decide on their future paths. The dosage is not enough to feminize the body, just enough to kill the libido and see if thoughts of living life as a woman are still as powerful. You may want to see a gender therapist to discuss this.

Good luck! :hugs:

[abigailf]

Renie, I have read many of your responses to posts in this forum. I have for the most part found them logical, systematic and informative. You are very helpful and I appreciate your input. I would not take offense.



About your kids .. they are at an age when peer pressure is paramount, and they're also identifying their own gender and sexuality. They may learn to accept this, but there is a chance they will not be able to understand you until they are adult, especially if your wife is not on board with you over this.


Kids get their social cues from adults. That is one of the reasons why I want more adults to know. I would like some of them (favoring my transition) present when we tell the kids so they have a good source of cues to choose from.



I have another thought, and I hope you will not be offended. It is well known how powerful is the sexual aspect of crossdressing, and also that powerful experiences do alter our brain chemistry. If you and your wife had stopped being physically intimate years ago and your sole form of sexual release has been through auto-eroticism with a heavy dose of femme fantasies, then might this have aided in your current wish to transition? I'm not judging, just suggesting a possibility for you to consider.


Yea, I struggled with this thought for the longest time. I can say with absolute conviction, that is not the case.
BTW we still get intimate. It’s just what was daily or weekly now became monthly if that.



Also, what do you believe your life will look like once you are a woman? How do you see transition affecting your job and the people in your life, and also finding future romantic partners? Again, I'm not placing value judgments, just asking you to read individual experiences in the TS section. Many TSs are happy with their decisions and feel fulfilled, but many others do not. It can't hurt to develop as realistic an outlook as you can, so that you can weigh all the options.


OMG! This is really good advice. I have done this all my life and not just with being trans. I used this technique for my career, my education and even things as simple as planning my garden layout. ”What will it look like at the end of summer when it is time to harvest?” Yes, I have looked at my life 5 or 10 years from now. Where will I work, who will be my friends, lovers and family. I have multiple possible scenarios reaching each extreme. I will likely be somewhere in the middle, and the risk of the rare chance the negative extreme will be the case is worth the potential of the reward to me.

By the way, I do see a G.T. and I am on hormones for a few months now.

Thanks.

[ReineD]

After I had posted above, I went off and did a few things and felt my advice was a little one sided. I apologize. I guess I just wanted to make sure you've thought of everything, and, well, as hard as I try, I can't get out of being in mom mode (I have 3 sons).

You're an adult and of course you've thought of these things. :) I'm glad you're seing a gender therapist, and again, I wish you well along your path.

[abigailf]

Well, the adult part is still out for debate :)