Transition steps and sequence

[Gennifer]

I know it is probably different for everyone who goes through transitioning, but I am wondering about steps, sequencing, when to do what, and how to take the next step. I am asking in part because I have thought about transitioning myself, and because of something my therapist said. She commented that you can't really transition at work--that one day you are there as a man, and the next day you are a woman. The way she put it, it's okay to transition gradually at home, but at work it is necessary to be one or the other.

So this leads me to wonder how I might transition at home, or when I am out for the evening, but not at work. As it is now, when I go out with my wife, I wear women's clothes (jeans, clogs, etc.) but don't wear a wig and don't do much with make up. This is something I am going to talk to my therapist more about, but I was wondering if anyone had advice.

Thanks!

Gennifer

[arbon]

I am transitioned at home and mostly in the community first, work has not cooperated however which makes things very awkward. Work - i think probably does need to be more sudden and quick shift from one to the other because it gets really confusing for people id it is gradual and back and forth. which is the problem I have been having - my boss opposes my transition at work and that is a no go at this time, and yet I am very open about the fact that I am transitioning outside of work, pretty much always presenting as a woman and it is fairly well know by all our clients, many of whom I interact with will presenting as a woman outside of work and using my female name. That just complicates things with customers because they often don't know how they should address me if they see me at work or if they see me at the grocery store.

[Hope]

Well... I think that depends a lot on your employer.

When I came out... my bishop demanded my resignation. I had never dressed publicly, and at that point I never intended to. I'm frankly not even sure how he found out. To hell with him.

When I actually started transition... I did it very slowly and gradually, both at home and at work... You can present as a less and less masculine man but there is a point where you need to make a commitment, there is a point where you need to make the jump. I started my current job essentially as Joe-guy, in a coat and a tie (if Joe guy wore nail polish and carried a purse). Over a period of 3-4 months that became a coat and a tie with dangly earrings, eye makeup, and an obviously femme bob hair cut and color. Still presenting as a guy, but... not exactly Joe-guy. Along with that the coat was replaced with a Jones New York women's blazer, and the pants were replaced with Liz Claiborne side-zip women's pants. (ProTip: You forfeit your urinal privileges when you wear side zip pants.) Still wearing the tie, still wearing the "Joe" name-tag, still presenting as a guy. More or less.

And then came the jump.

One day when I was ready (or so I thought) and after I had "the talk" with HR (Who were simply AWESOME) and about 3 days before I started HRT, I walked out my front door, and into work in a little black dress, flats, boobs, nylons, full makeup, and presented as a woman for the first time in the world. The day before was also the last time I ever really presented as a guy in the world... and that was a bit of a unexpected thing for me... But when I started, I simply refused to go back. I did present as "Joe" one other time, about 3 months later for something I had to do as "Joe," and realized I was not able to really pull it off anymore. (about a month ago I tried to teach a transman how to walk like a man... apparently I can't do that anymore either - though it was funny to watch me try.)

So, I transitioned slowly, and at work before I transitioned anywhere else... I guess I have a tendency to do things backwards. But the point is, that it can absolutely be done. Can it be done with a less awesome employer? Hard to say... You know what they say about a frog in a pot on the stove right?

[Rianna Humble]

I know it is probably different for everyone who goes through transitioning, but I am wondering about steps, sequencing, when to do what, and how to take the next step. I am asking in part because I have thought about transitioning myself, and because of something my therapist said. She commented that you can't really transition at work--that one day you are there as a man, and the next day you are a woman. The way she put it, it's okay to transition gradually at home, but at work it is necessary to be one or the other.

Hi Gennifer, I think I understand what your therapist meant, but I'm not sure whether she was right - as Hope's experience shows.

In my case, I came out as TG first and was allowed some feminine presentation whilst I waited to be able to begin my transition proper. During this time, I researched my employer's Equalities policy, and spoke to my manager then to HR. They were very positive and supportive. We did decide that there would be a kind of "big bang" day when I would switch from my old identity to the real me and HR helped me to plan the sequence of which co-workers needed to be told what and how. I had some legal papers that needed to be witnessed by someone who knew me but was not related before I could start my Real Life Experience, so my manager did that for me on 30 June last year. On 1st July last year, my old life ceased and I became Rianna and have not looked back.

Like Hope, I had to cross-dress as the old me for one particular function last September and found it very hard.

Hope this helps you to work out your own way forward.

[noeleena]

Hi,
Depends .
I did things differently. im my own boss so i could please my self what i did or .do. i did not transtion in the sence you mean , still.

I told every one many months before what i was what i was doing & that i was a woman, not changeing to one , im I S,

Because i was well known by many people friends & bussness it was better to let every one know so i did, & others outside who did know me tho not in work related details were told by two T V station's papers & the net, all covered in one day pretty much.

The main thing was tell those who need to know first then others , As for my work im a builder so could dress any how made no difference boots or shoes shorts & tops just normal womens wear, & a sunhat, as youll see because im a chippy i was known by many men. so work as normal. if there were any ? .s that needed to be answered they were, tho most knew any way by that time,

for you working for a firm best you tell them your plans & explan whats going on so no surprises , the one day your a male & the next a woman... yea well may be in a dress sence , i dought it because you have to grow to be a woman it dont happen over night,

I can wear my work clothes overalls look like a male on the job if i wont to & do yet to every one im known as noeleena she's that woman builder over there, no matter what i wear, it comes down to who you are, not ....what .....you wear,

For my self i can be ether male or female reguardless, it has no bearing on who i am as a person because im both to start with,

As to make up its allmost nothing if you call lippy & eye brow liner much & as to hair i dont have any & dont wear my wig. not any more, my pic or avatar shows you what i wear when im out , a head scarve, or others like that,

Hey im 64, just a woman whos acceped the way i am, i wear skirts allmost every day unless im in shorts, for working or bike rideing,

no probes tho there have been very few who wont accept im a woman whos different well im not bothered , just shows there will allways be the one or two,



So all the best ,

...noeleena...

[Jorja]

There are about as many ways to go about transition as there are people wanting to transition. I think what your therapist was trying to say is in most work enviroments, it is best for you and HR to set a date for the planned change rather than do it gradually. From my experiences, this is true. Employers do not usually want you switching back and forth one day male, the next day female. That causes confusion among the other employees.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it is not a set process...
a big moment of truth in your life is when you try to transition at work..

although transition is gradual (usually)...there is always a moment where before you lived as a male...and after you live as a female (100%)......

it is hard to transition at work...many (majority?) people leave work to do it.... but if you stay, you have to give them a date, and work with them, disclose what's happening etc.....and then its just like your therapist says, one day you work male, the next day a gal... .some people take a short time off, others are lucky and get to take weeks off...

its not a cliche...you must risk everything to transition. living part time as female is an early stage transition "lifestyle", sometimes its difficult to not get stuck there...

[Frances]

it is not a set process...
a big moment of truth in your life is when you try to transition at work..

although transition is gradual (usually)...there is always a moment where before you lived as a male...and after you live as a female (100%)......

it is hard to transition at work...many (majority?) people leave work to do it.... but if you stay, you have to give them a date, and work with them, disclose what's happening etc.....and then its just like your therapist says, one day you work male, the next day a gal... .some people take a short time off, others are lucky and get to take weeks off..

There is a lot I agree with here.

I was pretty much full-time except for work for a long time. Most people I know do it like this. I transitioned at work, but I feminized myself over a long period of time before anyone knew that I was trans. My supervisors and HR had known for a long time before the big day came. I also informed my co-workers five months ahead of time. The trick to having credibility, in my opinion, is to do all that you can ahead of time, as in hair removal, growing of the hair, working on your voice, gaining real-life experience, etc.

My number one advice: START HAIR REMOVAL YESTERDAY!

[Badtranny]

I agree with everything Frances said. I think it's pretty tricky to "just do it". I was on HRT for a year before I ever told anyone at work, (except for close friends). Over the course of the last 18 months or so I've pierced my ears, grown my hair, lost a lot of weight, grew tiny boobs, tinted my eyelashes, shaved my arms, shaped my brows, electrocuted most of the hair from my poor beleaguered face, etc etc, all while presenting as a male. Of course, I've had a personal life and it's fairly well documented on my blog and Facebook and many (MANY) people at work (in the office and professional colleagues) have become FB friends so yes they know everything. I am now (as of yesterday) officially out at work. My boss, my bosses boss, and HR have been brought up to speed and they know I'll be actually transitioning next year but I STILL plan to present as male until my FFS. You see, that's the marker that people can understand. I'll have surgery, and everyone will watch me heal and next thing you know, my final transition will be the most natural and obvious thing. Even though I'm a few months away from finishing, it was important to me that everyone know so they can get used to the idea. They've known me for ten years, so it's gonna be a bit of a change.

This bizarre thing that we do takes a different form for each of us, but it is absolutely possible to gradually transition. Or not. The most important thing is YOU need to feel comfortable and confident because everyone else will follow your lead. If you're nervous and freaked out, then it's a good bet that they will be even more nervous and freaked out.

These are things I didn't know just one year ago.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it is absolutely possible to gradually transition. Or not.

Perfect, phunny and pithy..

[Nicole Erin]

Well as we know, steps in transition kind of depend on one's financial and social status.

But finances and social stuff aside, just start working on these -
voice (some TS throw all the money in the world at transition but have a man voice, WTF?)
hair removal (I tweeze my facial hair and I don't have much body hair to begin with)
mannerisms
weight loss (if needed, be realistic, not everyone even NEEDS to)
Fashion (clothes, makeup, and all that...)

Building confidence is important. Of course that is hard to do when sitting at home in a dress and not being out anywhere.

[Stephenie S]

I agree completely with my friends Frances and Bad Tranny.

There is no rule book. There are guidelines and protocols, but everyone is different.

But remember, there are many things you can do BEFORE you transition. Facial hair. That's a real biggie. No matter what anyone tells you, the bearded lady look is OUT this year. Voice. Another biggie. And there is NO reason you can't work on your voice pre-transition. It's free. One of the few things about transition that IS free. Hair. Well hairdressers aren't free, but your hair grows for free. Grow it out. Attitude. Live small. Women take up a LOT less space than men. Look, learn, watch. What do women do that you don't? Pay attention. What do YOU do that women don't. All this will become second nature eventually, but you have to work at it at first.

Frances is a wise and intelligent and thoughtful woman with a great deal of real life experience. You should listen to her advice.

S

[Badtranny]

Frances is a wise and intelligent and thoughtful woman with a great deal of real life experience. You should listen to her advice.

...plus she's damn cute

[Frances]

Frances is a wise and intelligent and thoughtful woman with a great deal of real life experience. You should listen to her advice.


...plus she's damn cute

Stop it, you two are making blush now. :o

[Pamela Kay]

But their being honest Frances, you really are cute.

[arbon]

Stop it, you two are making blush now. :o

... They speak the truth!

[Starling]

Are you ladies trying to give Frances a stroke?

:heehee: Lallie

PS: I'd kill for her cheekbones.

[Pamela Kay]

Not unless she gives us one first!

[Stephenie S]

Yes, Frances is very cute. And very nice, although she tends to be self deprecating.

An' her butt? Oh, my. Very nice also.

Stephie

[Starling]

Ladies with nice cheekbones tend to have nice derrières. At least it was true of my godmother, although I didn't dare tell her.

:heehee: Lallie

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi,

I started HRT in 2001 and went full time in 2006.

I agree with the others that say there is no set sequence.

If you truly need to transition the steps tend to just fall into place according to your own specific needs.

Therapy is a must regardless of what you think your timeline is.


Julia

[Badtranny]

Hi,
I started HRT in 2001 and went full time in 2006.
I agree with the others that say there is no set sequence.
If you truly need to transition the steps tend to just fall into place according to your own specific needs.
Therapy is a must regardless of what you think your timeline is.
Julia

Damn girl, how is it that I can totally disagree and totally agree with you in the same day?
;-)

[Gennifer]

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories and your advice. It is helpful to hear you describe the steps you have taken and to think about how this is really about one step at a time. (I also enjoyed seeing how much fun you were having with each other in the posts that were not in direct response to my question; levity is a good thing. You made me smile). As I said, the advice is very helpful and I have already, because of what Frances suggested, started doing some searching on the internet for electrolysis services in my area. I will let you know about that step, too. It feels like more than a step, and more like a leap.

I am seeing my therapist again tomorrow and will continue to work with her. I find it helpful to talk through the feelings I have about the prospect of transitioning. On the hand, I am fearful about moving ahead, and other hand, I am afraid I won't. I would guess that you know what I mean. That's why it's so helpful to talk to her, and to hear from all of you.

Thank you.

Gennifer

[Starling]

If you haven't already, Gennifer, give this a look. It's a tremendous resource.

http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html

:) Lallie

[Gennifer]

If you haven't already, Gennifer, give this a look. It's a tremendous resource.

http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html

:) Lallie

Thanks, Lallie, I will check it out.

Gennifer

[Julia_in_Pa]

Well my dear I'm just happy your around to do both. LOL!! :O)


Julia



Damn girl, how is it that I can totally disagree and totally agree with you in the same day?
;-)

[RenneB]

Great thread girls....love the perspectives. My lighthearted approach would be for me to just ask Mr. Wizard (reference to T00ter the turtle - 60s cartoon) to take me out of this body and bring me home.....

In real life, as one who is on the outside of the job market looking in after an involuntary "retirement", your employer can can (nice double meaning there) you for anything. I asked one HR person how to get rid of an employee and they said, just give me 6 months and I can document the heck out of anyone and get them out of here. So, I think I'm saying that mind your Ps and Qs after the switch as a performance appraisal can happen at any time.

Sometimes, I want to do this transformation fast and get it over with, while other times I need to take it slowly.... Like Mike says do it once and do it right.

Not that any of this makes sense... just ramblings as I wait for a Renne day.... I hate half school days....

Renne.....

[Starling]

Gennifer, I'll empty out my PM box later today, when I get the chance. (I like to save them.) Sorry you were unable to send to me. I'll let you know when the box is clear.

:) Lallie

[Gennifer]

I want you all to know how helpful you have been. I have been continuing to work with my therapist, who I think is very good. She's straightforward about the challenges of transitioning (money, time, relationships, etc.) but also supportive. For me, the step to take now would involve beard removal--it's what many of you suggested and what my therapist suggested as a first step--and if feels like a big decision. It would be the first thing I have done that would be permanent. So, I am leaning into that decision but not quite there yet. At the same time, I can't, on one level, not imagine going there.

Thanks again.

Gennifer