Restrictions Reconsidered

[Stephanie]

When I first came out to my wife as a crossdresser back in April, I agreed to a number of restrictions on my crossdressing at my wife's request in order for her to feel more comfortable about my crossdressing. Specifically, I agreed that I would only crossdress if she is present and participating (I even agreed that I wouldn't wear any panties or any feminine undergarments unless she put them on me herself!) and that I wouldn't go out in public enfemme (or pressure her to go out with me enfemme). While I was able to abide by these restrictions at the start, I have started to feel extremely suffocated by these restrictions and I feel like they have begun to sap the joy out of my crossdressing, especially since I have to wait to crossdress until we are both at home and safely locked away in our bedroom (I'm not out to my stepchildren yet and she is not comfortable with them knowing about my crossdressing yet), something that has become increasingly difficult to arrange given our work and family obligations and my school schedule. She claims that she needs to have all of this control over my crossdressing because she claims to have been raped by a crossdresser sometime in her past, something that only came to light when I told her about my crossdressing (she told me about the rape before we got married but NEVER mentioned the crossdressing aspect to it). Also, we had been having sex with me crossdressed on a fairly regular basis and we were both enjoying it until recently. When her mother died this past month, she suddenly decided she didn't want to do that anymore either, at least for awhile, because apparently she felt guilty that she chose to spend the day before her mother died at home having sex with me crossdressed instead of visiting her. Although I want to be supportive/understanding/considerate of her feelings, especially since I didn't tell her about my crossdressing until a year after we were married, I still feel as though her demands are a bit unreasonable/puzzling at this point, especially since I don't know when (or if) these restrictions might be renegotiated at some future point in time. I don't mind doing something for somebody if their demands (and reasons for them) make some kind of rational sense but my wife's demands really DON'T make that much (if any) sense to me. Does anybody have any advice as to how to discuss my concerns with my wife in a way that supports her but also allows me to express myself as well? I have been becoming increasingly resentful of having all of these restrictions on me even though I am trying to be supportive of my wife's feelings at the same time and, as I said before, I feel like they are REALLY starting to put a damper on my crossdressing. I don't even feel like it's MY thing anymore. I can abide by some of the restrictions until she is more comfortable (i.e. telling my stepchildren and going out enfemme) but some of these other things like not being able to dress myself and having to depend on her participation to crossdress seem a bit unreasonable at this point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Stephanie Kay]

Stephanie, this is really complex. I think you need to consider talking to someone other than your wife about all this. Find a good counselor. If you can't find a transgender-friendly counseling service then I have found Jungian counselors to be very sensitive to transgender issues. I know you want to be supportive of your wife but this seems like a pretty big issue for her and may be beyond your abilities to help. Good luck from one Stephanie to another.

[Shannon]

Stephanie. Sounds as if your wife may be in a lot of grief and guilt from her mother's death -- so you may need to be sensitive to the timing. On the other hand, sounds as if you are grieving a bit yourself over the restrictions, so you may not want to allow her mourning period to go on for a long time and keep you from expressing your feelings.

It does sound that, with the restrictions, it has become more of "her crossdressing" than yours. I find that with me, there is a fine line between accomodating others feelings and needs, and relinquishing control over my own free will. Its boundary management -- and perhaps your boundaries have been violated with the restrictions place upon you. Actually, I think how you say it in your post is a good message -- you express your feelings and acknowledge hers as well -- and it is time to re-negotiate then terms and conditions.

[TGMarla]

I agree with both of the above posts. It is a bit unfair for her to exert total control over something that you are doing. It strips you of your free will. You should both be seeing a counsellor, because a 3rd party will not have the emotional baggage that you both bring to the negotiating table. Your "baggage" is your need to dress, hers is the death of her mother and her unfair desire to control your behavior. Furthermore, she may benefit from counselling to help her with her grieving process.

Her children do not necessarily need to be a part of this. If you are going to dress and go out, find a neutral place to get ready. Support groups often allow for dressing time prior to the start of the meetings. If going out en femme is something she wishes to do with you, she should remove the children from the situation. Children are not emotionally developed enough to understand crossdressing. If the children are older, say 16 on up, they may take an easier stand towards it, but any younger than that, it will severely compromise your standing with them. I speak here from experience.

One cannot underestimate the blow she has taken from the death of her mother. She needs time and loving understanding to come to grips with it. But your crossdressing should not have anything to do with her grieving process. The fact that it is is due to a pre-existing agreement that you made with her prior to her mother's death. Her death has changed the circumstances that were present when you made the agreement, thus it is time to renegotiate.

[Stephanie]

Thanks for everybody's support. I agree that some 3rd party counseling may be useful. Discussions involving my crossdressing always seem to be so problematic and upsetting, especially for her, probably for the aforementioned reasons. She is concerned about making me happy but I want to do the same which often leaves both of us trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to compromise and we both usually end up feeling like we are both sacrificing/compromising our own feelings to try to make the other feel better. Just to add some more information, most of these restrictions, other than the sex part, have been in effect pretty much since I first told my wife about my crossdressing. Only the sex part has changed since her mother's death.

[CharleneCD]

Thanks for everybody's support. I agree that some 3rd party counseling may be useful. Discussions involving my crossdressing always seem to be so problematic and upsetting, especially for her, probably for the aforementioned reasons. She is concerned about making me happy but I want to do the same which often leaves both of us trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to compromise and we both usually end up feeling like we are both sacrificing/compromising our own feelings to try to make the other feel better.

Based on this statement alone I feel that in time you two will be able to work out any of your problems. Go slow for now until she is done grieving, but do work on it. JUst maqke sure to express your feelings and then ask "what can we do so that we are both comfortable?".