What makes you Trans?

[steph963]

I started seeing a psychologist recently, in my first session the other week he said something that kind of put me on the spot and i've been struggling with.

His question to me was basically along the lines of what personality traits make you display as male?

I wasn't equipped to answer at that time, I see the traits as a bit of a blur as both male and female can display similar traits. The only things I could come up with were horribly cliched ones (I think I said something stupid like guys like to fight and play sports).

I've always been about my feelings, I have always felt that I was a woman.

Sorry if it didn't make sense, I've been struggling in how to word it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have always felt that I was a woman.
it.

That's all that matters. ...a non ts person literally cannot internalize how you could know this....so they ask about traits, and feelings all kinds of things.. You can't explain it because it's unexplainable. U just know.

Because we all grow up differently we cope with itin very different ways...so if we do try to explain it, it sounds very different, but the one simple thing is always the same

[*Vanessa*]

I use to draw women a lot of women, I use to be great at using the pencil. Started teaching adults how to draw at age 18, that was 42 yrs ago. MY Ex convinced me to draw a self portrait as I saw myself, that was about 25 yrs ago. She (I) was not nor am I anywhere near beautiful, yet that image was hauntingly complete in every detail (figuratively speaking). I know who Vanessa is, I just have to find away so she can live. The last 2 months has seen me spin out of control a number of times. You are very lucky to have that person to talk to. If your inner female self is anything like Vanessa, trust that she will not harm you in doing so.

[Rianna Humble]

His question to me was basically along the lines of what personality traits make you display as male?

Maybe I am totally misunderstanding the question, but as I read it the operative phrase seemed to me to be "makes you display as". So I would have answered less about what are male personality traits and more about what in me drove me to pretend for so many years that I was not a woman.

I would have talked about not wanting to be different, about believing the wrong idea that you could choose to be cisgendered and about the fear of what it would mean to finally become the real me.

[steph963]

Maybe I am totally misunderstanding the question, but as I read it the operative phrase seemed to me to be "makes you display as". So I would have answered less about what are male personality traits and more about what in me drove me to pretend for so many years that I was not a woman.

I would have talked about not wanting to be different, about believing the wrong idea that you could choose to be cisgendered and about the fear of what it would mean to finally become the real me.

The question posed to me was more that he wanted specific examples of why I'm a woman, I couldn't really answer him with specific examples just a "it feels right", this is part of my problem I just can't express myself :(

The specifics I could think of were mostly about clothing and appearance but that's not all that makes me a woman.

I guess what I'm looking for is inspiration. There's girls here who have been through this process before and know what makes them who they are. I have trouble explaining who I truly am to other people as I internalise things.

[Rianna Humble]

The question posed to me was more that he wanted specific examples of why I'm a woman, I couldn't really answer him with specific examples just a "it feels right", this is part of my problem I just can't express myself :(

OK, sorry for misunderstanding the question. I'm not sure that I can help you to answer that because my own experience is more along the lines of knowing from when I was young that I was meant to be a woman - I even dreamt of my own wedding complete with traditional white bridal gown (As I put it to one of my doctors "the sort of thing that every young girl envisions when they are that age") - and not understanding how or why I was meant to be a man.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you really need to focus this person steph...

we all grew up differently..coping with a very hard situation...we all made different trade offs to survive, and try to live, we are all physically different so we made different assumptions about the possibility of life as a woman..

this means we all view femininity and femaleness differently, colored by our experience..(just like any woman btw)...so your answer to this question means NOTHING

if you know you are transsexual, that's it...lots of people go many years trying to figure that part out... your task is to figure out what to do about it, and not waste time with somebody probing whether you like stockings or tights...

you are way beyond the question being asked, and unless you want to waste time and money, don't get bogged down in this..

[Julia_in_Pa]

Even though I am intersexed I was raised as male with an "M" on my birth certificate.

I spent many years of my childhood being extremely angry at the way I was being raised(as Male).

I was sent to a mental hospital for two months because of this.

This is where I became very aware that just because I was being raised as a male didn't mean that I was.

This was 1982 when I was 15.

For me it was something biological. It was something that I was not something that I presented as.


Julia

[melissaK]

@Steph963. Your initial explanation sounds fine to me. It really takes a while to uncover the feelings and memories we have about why we are as we are. NO ONE rewards us trans children for feeling like the opposite gender. Parents, teachers, society all tell trans children that they are wrong to feel as they do. Sometimes directly and bluntly, sometimes just by directing our activities and by buying our clothes for us. As children we bury the hurt feelings, and bury them again. Clearing away the debris to remember how we felt before the adults and social messages taught us to act and behave different is hard. You'll get better at expressing yourself with time.

@ Vanessa: I get what you mean I think. I oil paint. I was a downhill skiier too. Many years ago I was attempting a painting of a man downhiller going through a gate based upon a great photo out of a ski magazine - and - its difficult to explain - but I had an emotional break down over the painting. My skiier had hips and breasts - the photo did not. I realized the skiier was me. Painting lets our subconscious work and speak through color selection and subtle shifts in lines, etc. I was in a period of denial about my CD/TS issues and in that painting all my repressed feelings came out, and my conscious mind got the message too.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Aprilrain]

I just tell people, "when you figure it out let me know!" I don't get it either. I can't tell you how many times I sat there dressed up saying to myself, "why do I want to be the one thing in this world I can't be?" Others say to themselves why am I in the wrong body, I wish I'd had THAT conviction, I would have surly transitioned many years ago! Instead because I "knew" something was "wrong" with me I fought it with every once of energy I could muster. I was going to make myself be "normal" LOL. 15 years of drinking and drugging, 7 years of living in misery sober and I'm finally here. Life ain't perfect but its WAY better than before.

Is this person versed in gender issues? if not don't waste your time.

[jillleanne]

I started seeing a psychologist recently, in my first session the other week he said something that kind of put me on the spot and i've been struggling with.

His question to me was basically along the lines of what personality traits make you display as male?

I wasn't equipped to answer at that time, I see the traits as a bit of a blur as both male and female can display similar traits. The only things I could come up with were horribly cliched ones (I think I said something stupid like guys like to fight and play sports).

I've always been about my feelings, I have always felt that I was a woman.

Sorry if it didn't make sense, I've been struggling in how to word it.

You make complete sense and that's what I hope you told him. Just tell how you honestly feel and nothing else can be more truthful than that.

[Badtranny]

Well I've been yapping about coming out to the world (and work) so I've been answering a lot of questions lately. One of them was "why do you feel like you have to change?"

My answer was simple; because I don't want to live the rest of my life being treated like a man.

[steph963]

Well I've been yapping about coming out to the world (and work) so I've been answering a lot of questions lately. One of them was "why do you feel like you have to change?"

My answer was simple; because I don't want to live the rest of my life being treated like a man.

Simple answer but straight to the point :)

[KellyJameson]

Hi Steph, I have been asked this question before both from Psychologists and Psychiatrists and for me I would answer about how I was pretending to be like other boys and later as other men. That I learned the traits and behavior by watching other boys and than would become an actor on stage but it never felt natural and actually very unnatural.

I had to pretend that my feelings were not always being hurt, where other boys really were not hurt because someone looked at them in a mean way. Their sense of self was not threatened, they would continue to exist even if they were rejected but I was shattered.

I had to pretend when I was not invited to other childrens birthday parties that my heart was not destroyed by the perceived rejection. It is easy to say this is just insecurity but I was having these feelings at three,four, five, ect.. years old. Long before my mind would be developed enough to be aware of the social advantages of being included.

As a boy being transgendered is alot about pretending to not have feelings because most boys were not pretending they really do not care and the differences between boys and girls has much to do with what hurts one but not the other sex and it stays true into adulthood.

One of the best indicators of masculinity is a reduced ability to feel within themselves anothers pain because to understand emotional pain in others you must be able to experience it in yourself first and this is one reason why men are always being accused of being insensitive and find women so baffling. These abilities can be learned by a masculine male but it is much more difficult because their brains are not wired for it naturally.

Boys define themselves through acts of bravery in the eyes of other boys, Girls through acts of kindness even when the bravery is to hide fear and the kindness is a false smile to manipulate others to gain prestige and power socially. This is innate they are born this way.

Both boys and girls, men and women want to be part of the group but they relate to the group very differently because they value different things and have different needs and goals

For me the hardest thing about being born transgendered was shutting down my feelings, feelings that most boys were not aware they even had because they experienced pain in relationship to others very differently than I did. If I had been born a girl no one would have accused me of being overly sensitive because than my behavior would have been normal.

When a boy is rejected it threatens his sense of power and status in the group and he feels it as if something has been stolen from him external from himself, like his property. A girl feels rejection like it is a threat to her very life and it goes to the deepths of her soul.

Both of these experiences can happen for boys and girls but the critical difference is the hierarchy, the order of importance between the genders. There is a phrase I like to use but this is a generalization so not always true but within it there is truth. "A woman will fit her life into love but a man will fit love into his life" to describe masculine men and feminine women.

The difference between the sexes is not that they do not share in the same desires, have similar wants or are capable of the same feelings, the difference is the order of importance ( the hierarchy ) and the emotional affect on ones sense of worth as a human being in relationship to others.

Being transgendered means you will have abilities that usually are reserved for the opposite sex, either sex can have them but it is more natural for one sex over the other. Hope my words help more than they confuse. I feel very fortunate to be this way because men who are extremely masculine or women who are extremely feminine always seem to be one dimensional and not very imaginative ( very black and white in their thinking ) but my childhood was incredibly painful because of it so I have earned the rewards as an adult. The masculine pursues through action the feminine through attraction. Yin and Yang

[Kelsy]

It was my misfortune to be born into a male body. feelings are transient and are subject to change but
what I experienced was beyond just a feeling. There was a knowing undefined. No matter how hard I
tried to play the male role I found I was always falling short and I was never comfortable there nor did
I find acceptance. It all devolved into doubt and self loathing. I had a death wish and drugs and alcohol
could have killed me on many occasions but I have survived and have set foot on a path to freedom that
feels right! no I know it's right because for the first time, regardless to all of the pain involved,
I have found my real self and I am allowing myself to be the woman I have always been.

[*Vanessa*]

It was my misfortune to be born into a male body. feelings are transient and are subject to change but
what I experienced was beyond just a feeling. There was a knowing undefined. No matter how hard I
tried to play the male role I found I was always falling short and I was never comfortable there nor did
I find acceptance. It all devolved into doubt and self loathing. I had a death wish and drugs and alcohol
could have killed me on many occasions but I have survived and have set foot on a path to freedom that
feels right! no I know it's right because for the first time, regardless to all of the pain involved,
I have found my real self and I am allowing myself to be the woman I have always been.

Yes I had this Kelsy - but also

Most of my life I came face-to-face with the realization that someone was sabotaging my male life as well. It was not until recently that I became aware that that person was my female self, Vanessa! This realization has started a snowball effect from hell for me to sort out.. Strange how life happens!!