The Struggle As I See It

[Sweet Susan]

I'm going to try and get this thing out. I've been working on it for weeks, and I've finally come to the conclusion that I might as well just type it up and see what I come up with.

As I mentioned (what has become) several weeks ago, I am struggling with crossdressing. There was the day when I only wanted to try it to see if it was really what I wanted. Once I did that, sure enough, it was what I wanted. The progression began, and the next thing I knew I was full blown dressing, taking pictures, constantly looking for new clothes, wigs, shoes; the compulsion had set in. Years went by and the urge never went away. Finally, although my wife already knew I was dressing while she was away, I decided to dress before her. That was several years ago, and she was not only impressed at what she saw, but she was stunned, flabbergasted, and perhaps a bit jealous. She had no idea that I had taken it so far, that I was so passable, that I enjoyed it so much. We had sex that first night, and she loved it. It was exciting for her, and much more for me. Over the years, I increasingly would want to have sex while dressed, but she began to pull away from that. She still wanted me to be a man, but she was willing to allow me to have my fun with Susan. There needed to be a balance.

Over the next year or so we would go out at night and drive around with me dressed. She would take me to transgender meetings where I would meet and talk with other people like me. She would not got to the meetings with me, even though others took their wives. I found that most of the men who attended these meetings were much further along than me. Many of them wanted to become women; I had no such desire. Many of them wanted to have sex with me; I found that to be a seductive thought and it turned me on. My wife would pick me up when I was finished, we would go home, and we would have some great sex, oftentimes mentally fueled by my encounters with other crossdressers.

One day I went out dressed en femme alone, and found myself in the area of the city most frequented by transgender and gay people. It was the middle of the day, and I went to coffee shops and botiques and walked the streets, often sitting on benches, etc. It was fun, exhilirating, dangerous. When the day was over I went to a "safe" place to change my clothes and drive home. While I was about to change my clothes, I was interrupted by a man who was much bigger than me. He somewhat forcefully made his intentions known to me, and I was faced with two options. When that encounter was over and I was safely driving home, I was so thrilled that I could hardly contain myself. I never allowed myself to be put in that position again.

Over the next few years, leading up to now, my wife adjusted positively to my desire to crossdress, though she was often nervous about where it was going. I tried to maintain a balance, and I always worked at reassuring her that our relationship was the most important thing in my life; which it is. This past summer I read a book, I'm always reading biographies, etc. about crossdressing, it was, My Husband Betty. I was warned about this book by some people on this site, as well as on other sites. The warning was never clear, however, and I decided to read the book for myself and come to my own conclusions.

My Husband Betty is a good book about crossdressing, but it is not written by a crossdresser, and although she tries, it does not come across from the perspective of the crossdresser. The author makes many assumptions, albeit based on her research, limited as it appeared to me to be, but assumptions, nonetheless. Many of her assumptions are good, several are negative and many of the negative assumptions are unbased, mostly her opinions (as she recollects from her experiences with her husband, as well as interviews).

The book threw me into a tailspin. I started reading it with the mindset that 'she is a woman, what does she know.' Less than half of the way through the book, I began questioning myself. By the time I reached the mid-point of the book I was regretting ever being a crossdresser, believing that I was all of the horrible things I've ever imagined that I would be if I were crazy enough to wear women's clothes. I deeply believed that I had betrayed my wife, and felt horrible for it. It wasn't my intention to betray her, but as depicted in the book, I had done exactly that. I began regrowing all of my body hair, beard, moustache, legs, chest, you name it. I felt sick and disgusted with myself, and I never wanted to find myself eroticised by crossdressing again. I was confused. Not because I had discovered that I was guilty of shamelessly putting my own sick, demented, sexual thoughts before my wife, but because even though I morally didn't want to do that, I still wanted to dress up like a woman. I would still, night after night, have sex with her and imagine myself dressed up as a woman while having sex. When I got up in the mornings and looked myself in the mirrow, I would tell myself that soon Susan would be back to rescue me.

It was at this point that I decided to write to the forum. I had still been checking in, ocassionally responding to a thread or two, but I had mostly pulled back. So, about five weeks ago, or whatever it was, I wrote and said that I was struggling. I received much positive feedback from cds, as well as ggs. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to bring Susan back. So, I did. I dressed up three weeks ago for the first time since last spring. I dressed up again the next day, then the next. I took pictures. Then I took more pictures, then I took pictures that made me feel ugly. I realized that no matter how much I think I don't want to be what I am, I am what I am, and if I try to hold myself back from being what I am, I will come roaring back so strong, so full of power and piss and vinegar, that I will topple myself, and I will over react. I also realized that much of what I read in My Husband Betty adequately described me, that I am somewhere over the rainbow with this crossdressing thing, and that if I don't control myself I will position myself for a fall. You see, what I want and what I need are two different things.

I need a good life, and I have one. I need to hold onto it and treasure it and not let anything come along to destroy it. What I want is to have breasts and dress sexy and be desired by those with whom I wouldn't otherwise associate (Those of you who have read my responses to threads know that I was severly molested by a pervert when I was 12-16.). What I also want is to have a loving wife and a family that respects me and comes to me for advice and wisdom. I have that, and I need to hold onto it. Somehow I have to come to grips with this thing that is me. I'm not sure how to do that, but it has to happen.

[JoAnnDallas]

Susan... Very good post. IMHO, I think you have made the first step. A lot of times it helps to put down in writing all your feelings. It gets it out of you and into the open. The next step is up to you. I would suggest consuling, since you have issues that only you and a expert can explore and come to grips with.
Keeps up in the loop, as many of us can see reflections in ourselves.

JoAnn

[Sweet Susan]

Counseling? I thought this forum was counseling...........

[Paula Rae]

Hey Sweet Susan,

First of all, your new avatar is quite nice, not that your old one wasn't, it was just so unique, a glance was all it took to be instantly recognized.

Now back to the subject.
Quote: "Counseling? I thought this forum was counseling..........."

Your right about that! This thread, along with most of your others, is more than enough counselling for me. Thank you for this thread, you just saved me a hell of a lot of time and money, which will be well spent on shopping, instead of to the counselors.

Ricki B

[uknowhoo]

Well, IMHO, there's counselling and then there's counseling.
Before discovering and becoming part of this wonderful community, I was sooo very alone in my CDing. I went to see a therapist to discuss my CDing. Generally it was a positive experience. She told me that what I did wasn't all that unusual, and suggested I do some reading, go online and poss. seek out support groups in the area. That's what (indirectly) led me here. This place has truly been theraputic and very beneficial for me, much more than one on one counseling was. That having been said, Susan, you seem to be wrestling with some very different issues and concerns. I would submit that finding a good therapist with experience in transgender issues would likely be helpful in helping you work through it. It won't be a cure-all, neither will coming here for advise and counsel. But hopefully in time you'll learn how to maintain a workable [I]balance[I] in your life, for your sake and the sake of your family. I wish you all the best. Hugs, Tammi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

susan-

i hear you big time...i have found this board and its like a torrent of feelings rushing out of me..i have shared this with my wife and now its almost like we are separated...forget accepting the crossdressing...she is not even accepting me..i have 2 beautiful children and right now my mind is in a whirl because on one hand i can't bear the thought of what's going on in my family but on the other i've never wanted to be more girly more often than i do right now!!!! the further away my wife pushes, the more i am sneaking around dressing..............

this is a vicious cycle..and there is no good end i fear, but i am who i am!!! its that simple...and i'm not popeye either...ahem

i read the book, recommended by therapists...it speaks truth to the wife's point of view and his only partially sympathetic to our needs as crossdressers...its a good book and i recommend it...the fact you are feeling so bad about it now i beleive will pass...one fundamental truth is that you simply cannot ever will away your desire and i hope over time you will find the balance you are looking for...i hope i do too!

peace
michele

[Holly]

Susan, may I respectfully suggest you and your wife write your own book? Not literally, necessarily, but figuratively. "My Husband Betty" is a book about two different people from you and your wife. I've not read the book myself but know many in our community have used it, mostly as a vehicle to open up to their SO's. Forgive me for saying this, but this doesn't appear to be your need. Your need seems to be finding a balance in being the person your family looks up to and repects and finding out more about this side of you that has a passion for things feminine. From my own experience, I can tell you that the two are not necessarily mutually exclusice of one another. You have the answers inside, Susan. We'll all help in any way we can. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

We're always willing to listen and will offer our advice if asked, however, we're not trained therapists of psychologists. So issues that might stem from your being molested are something where a professional could help you far more skillfully and effectively.

The fact that you had such as visceral reaction to "My Husband Betty" suggests there are some deep-rooted issues that resolving will make you much happier. We can help you where we can, but a therapist skilled in gender will probably be able to better help you achieve the balance you're seeking.

[Sarahgurl371]

I have also read the book. I find it very interesting how people can have such different reactions to it. I truly enjoyed it and thought for the most part it was right on. Of course we all have opinions and life experiences that are individual. This forum has also been a great help to me, and hopefully oneday for my wife as well. Susan, I honestly hope that you can work things out for yourself, and be peacefull and content in your life. As far as balance, there is an old saying in my family - Moderation is the Key. I have found that this applies to most everything in life. It is however difficult to restrain my thoughts and even actions when it comes to Cding. It is a struggle. The further you go, the further you feel that you want to go. Rome wasn't built in a day. Please take care of yourself. One day at a Time.

[Sharon]

I've been waiting for this post of yours for some time now, Susan. I commend you for coming to this point in your life where you're attempting to sort out what is important to you and what isn't; what has value to you as a person, as a husband, and as an individual with many divergent and, oftentimes, conflicting needs.

I too see this forum as a form of counseling. Being able to read the stories of members with similar and, even dissimilar backgrounds and lifestyles, has been an immense help to me in my neverending quest to sort myself out. I have taken away from this forum much more than I will ever be able to return.

But at the same time, I have also found the services of a gender therapist to be immeasureably valuable. For it is only my answers to my many questions that serve me any true purpose, and it is only through the help of the therapist that I have been able to find the right questions that need to be answered.

Good luck to you, Susan, and thank you for providing another perspective. And -- please -- keep us up to date on your progress.

[Deborah]

I don't know your whole situation but i wish you all the best Susan and yes if it wasn't for this forum i'm sure alot of us would be alot more miserable.

[Sissy Jay]

I'm probably posting wrong again! hope not! but you are very pretty

[Natalie x]

Susan, it was incredibly brave of you to share these thoughts.

This place is like a coffee morning; we all care about each other and we sit around and listen to each other's problems. Sometimes we say what we think. This is all very good and helpful, but we can't do what a counsellor/therapist can do. A trained counsellor will ask questions that will help you to identify the roots of your problems and to explore the options for finding solutions.

Even though some of the girls here are experienced and capable, and can give good advice, they can only deal with the tiny part of the problem that you can share with us. Please, go see a counsellor soon, you will not regret it.

[Elaine Taylor]

Hi Susan
I agree you are very brave posting as you did, we all have tried to fathom this one out, some of us are not getting very far. I found Dr Betty's book a great help, but also can I say that after years of trying to sort out the "Strugle" I came to the conclusion, that if I had toothache I would visit a dentist, if my back hurt I went to a osteopath, so when my head hurt and I could find no answers I went to a counsellor, and it has helped, I now attend with my wife who will not accept it but she accepts things from the counsellor which she would not accept from me.
I have joined this site because I need to chat with people, this at the moment of my life is very important as I have been on my own for too long.
I hope this helps.

LOL Elaine

[Dixie Darling]

Susan,

This ‘struggle’ that you’re having with yourself is in no way unique to you. I would venture a guess that we’ve all had similar struggles and though the sets or circumstances for each person here on the forum is specific to their own situation, the struggle is pretty much universal. You have the advantage here (if your wife is still accepting of your feminine side) of having the ACEPTANCE that we are all searching for. Be thankful for that and ENJOY it for what it’s worth.

As one of the people that the author (Helen Boyd) interviewed (via the net) in gathering information preparatory to writing “My Husband Betty” , there are several pages in the book that are what I might refer to as ‘my’ pages. (i.e. the material is about me specifically). My story and my circumstances are just like everyone else’s in the book in the respect that they are unique to my own particular situation. I was happy to share this information with Betty as I’m sure that other contributors were happy to share theirs since I think what we all had in mind as a goal was to provide real-life stories and information that would result in a publication that might help others to understand us a little better.

Something that you might want to take in consideration about Helen’s book – or any other author’s for that matter – is that the author’s location sometimes has a lot to do with their opinions, experiences, and connections with crossdressing. Those who live in the more liberal cities will view CDing differently that those who reside in a more conservative area of the country and in this will almost always be reflected in what ends up being published in the pages of their book. Drawing a conclusion about any opinion, statement, idea, perspective, etc, shouldn’t be based on a single publication, but rather a well-rounded variety of numerous ones.

Of primary importance for almost all crossdressers is to realize that this urge, desire, indeed this NEED that we have to dress femininely isn’t something that we simply made a decision to do. Whatever the root cause of the desire is, most of us are in agreement that it’s NOT something that we “developed a taste for”, but something that we were born with. Furthermore, we can sometimes be successful in keeping the PHYSICAL aspect of it at bay and not dress for long periods of time, but that inward need to do so will be with us constantly and the longer the need is ignored the greater it will become.

So in essence, the resolution is to learn to accept OURSELVES. Of course having the acceptance (or at the very LEAST the tolerance) of our wives makes this much easier, but some may never have the experience of the joy of acceptance. YOUR situation is one in which your wife does accept your dressing and in fact seems to have learned to embrace it. Be THANKFUL for that acceptance and never let a day go by that you don’t let her know how much you love her for it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[TGMarla]

Hello, Susan.

We have never met, and it is nice to make your aquaintence. I do not know if I can be of any help here, but I found your post to be most compelling. I am most assuredly not in the same situation as you are. My wife is unaccepting, I have never gone out anywhere, I ahve no children, and I have not read "My Husband Betty", although I have heard of it and am curious to read it.

That said, it seems to me that your wants and needs are similar to mine, and I suspect, similar to many of us. When dressed, and often when not dressed, I, too, wish that I had breasts, and in a nutshell, was an attractive and desirable female. Much of the self-acceptance I have achieved is rooted in my spiritualism. I'm not talking about neo-Christian ideals here, but a belief system borne of years of introspection and self-discovery. I have come to terms with the woman inside of me by accepting that she is there and that she is me.

I do not know what triggered the anger and self-loathing that you went through after reading the book. This reaction of yours to this book is the first of its kind that I have encountered in reaction to this book. All of the other references I have received to this book have been quite positive. Having not read it yet, I cannot form my own opinion of it. For that I apologize, as I think it puts me at a disadvantage when addressing your issues.

But I think the answer is balance. You lack a balance that is acceptable to you. If you are like many of us, it is difficult to scale back the woman in us and strike a balance between the life we were born with (male) and the life we so strongly desire (female). We feel that if given the choice, we would be wearing feminine attire, primarily skirts, dresses, hosiery, and high heels all the time. But in a practical sense, we know that we cannot do this. We feel cheated out of the life we so much believe we should have had.

But there is an immutable fact we cannot ignore: if we had been born female, we would not have these insatiable desires. We would not see dresses as something extra extra special to wear, but rather as something to wear when we need to present ourselves more formally, nothing more. Very few women in our society get drunk on estrogen overload. Very few desire so much to be ultra-feminine all the time. It is the fact that this kind of a presentation, for us to "be" women, is denied us in mainstream society, that causes us to desire it so greatly. So when given the time to do so, we often take it a very long way. We don't pop on a pair of breast forms and throw on a T-shirt. Instead, we don pantyhose, wear skirts and dresses, high heels, cute hairstyles, etc. We tend to get very feminine.

Your wife is to a great extent, very accepting, it seems. There. You have won half the battle. The rest of the battle is within yourself. You have lost the ability to derive pleasure from the male side of your personality. Yet in your own words, you state exactly what it is that you need from your male persona: respect and high regard from your family, and the need have a loving wife and a family that respects me and comes to you for advice and wisdom. Allow your male persona to indulge in this, since it is something that you already have. Learn that as a man, the woman in you needs to allow this, and that as a woman, you cannot monopolize your every waking moment with all things feminine. You need to strike the balance that is right for you. I know you can do it. The less you deny the woman, the less she will need to dominate your life.

I hope this is helpful. I'm not a shrink or anything, so I'm not going to pretend that I know all the answers. I wish the best for you.

Pretty lady.

Sincerely,
Marla

[Wendy me]

wow greate post ...to me it seames that in going through all of what you said
looking at things and thinking through it all your growing...as not a crossdresser .. but as a person see a crossdresser is a part of who you are
but the most importin thing is you are a person ... too few of us ever realy take the time to do that .... you go girl....well done...

[KathrynW]

Something that you might want to take in consideration about Helen’s book – or any other author’s for that matter – is that the author’s location sometimes has a lot to do with their opinions, experiences, and connections with crossdressing. Those who live in the more liberal cities will view CDing differently that those who reside in a more conservative area of the country and in this will almost always be reflected in what ends up being published in the pages of their book.
This is my first post, but I guess it's ok to just jump right in here, huh? :)
Dixie, you made an excellent point here. Much of the Book 'My Husband Betty' relates to a definite NYC type of attitude. This is a view of cd-ing which applies to very few other parts of the country. I'd say read the book with caution, as it's not representative of everyone in this community.

[Sweet Susan]

Wow! What else can I say? Such fantastic input, and all of it positive, heartfelt, and sincere. You people are awesome. Thank you so much.

I believe that seeing a counselor might help in some regard, but to be honest, I've been to several for this very issue, though not in the past five years. All of the male counselors I saw insisted that I needed to kick the habit. Of course, I knew that that wasn't going to happen. I finally went to a woman counselor who specialized in sexuality. She was awesome, but she really didn't help me understand anymore than the others. I think one of the problems in counseling is that there are no answers, and we so desperately want answers. She told me to accept it, ride it, explore it, and enjoy it. Can't hardly say no to that.

Marla! You are so fantastic, I can hardly find a way to describe it. Your advise was so succinct, yet complete, so knowledgeable, yet caring. Thank you so much.

Dixie! Thank you for sharing your involvement with the book. I will have to scan through and read your area again. Were you Dixie in the book? I think what you said about locale makes sense, but it doesn't help me reach a balance. Nonetheless, it made terrific sense.

Sharon it is always great to hear from you. You are like a rock. Thanks.

Sissy, I appreciate every compliment I get. Thanks!

I hope I didn't misrepresent how I felt about the book, My Husband Betty. It not so much that I didn't like the book, as it is that it really made me question what it is that I am doing to my relationship with my wife. She deserves the man she married, not a feminized version of what she thought she was getting. My wife really likes manly men, and I've never been one of those. She knew before she married me that I was a crossdresser, and she said that that was fine with her. I have to believe her. With me it is more about wanting her to be proud of me and all of that other happy horseshit. Our adult children no nothing about my habit, nor will we ever tell them. How they would feel, I don't know. It's a journey, this life, and it has some bumps, some turns, some twists, some surprises, but most of all it has love, and that is what counts the most. Thanks for sharing your love with me. Susan

[racquel]

Not much I can add to this thread but I can offer a hugg and my heartfelt best wishes for a happy outcome.

[Sarahgurl371]

Susan, Ithink that much of OUR unhappiness in life deals with ourselves. You say that you are struggling because you want to be the man you think your wife wants. You just posted that you told her about being a CD prior to maraige and that she was fine with that, and having adult children it seems that you have been married a long time. She hasn't left you, and in fact seems to support you, relax, maybe just take her at her word?

I too struggle with my wifes feelings about me. But after examing myself, I have begun to realize that this is MY issue, not hers. All I can do is trust that she is being true to herself. I cannot deal with this for her, Heck I can hardly deal with this all for myself. In the end it is up to each if us to make oursleves happy and content in life. If your wife says she is OK after all these years, maybe she really is. I don't know if people who are not like us, ie. CDs, struggle with thier internal conflicts like we do or not. I would assume not. My wife really seems to have no inner conflict with herself, and that goes for others that I know. One thing I have personally never known is inner peace and contentment. Thats why I am on this road right now. I have to find it for me, not anyone else.

Although I do not have the guilt to deal with of having intimate encounters with someone else than my wife, I have to say that I have certainly fantasized about it. Sometimes feel that the only thing that has kept me from living that fantasy was the guilt and self loathing that I knew I would fell afterwards. Could it be that is the issue you are dealing with? I do not intend to upset or judge you. I certainlly do not wish to offend you. This forum has been a wonderful place to me, and I wouldn't want to minimize that for anyone. I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes and understand why you feel the way you do. For me I think the reasons I stated above are why I would feel the way you do. The worst part of this all for me is the fact that I Am My Own Worst Enemy and Critic.

Again, I really wish you the best and hope you find that inner peace and contentment that so many of us seem to be searching for.

Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be true to yourself. We are here for you!

[Lauren Richards]

I had been waiting for your post, and read it when it came out. Very thought provoking, and you are in the right place for advice and support. I wish I had some profound answers, but for now, mostly wanted to let you know you have my support. I don't have answers, but I do know the search is important. I hope you never give that up until you are truly happy, and know the answer to what allows you to stay that way; no matter the circumstances. I think it is our core, not our circumstances which allow for us to be happy. Circumstances change, our core does not. (sorry, I guess that verges on the profound. sometimes writing does that to me...it just opens up something and allows flow) Take care.

Lauren