Is being transsexual a need or a want?

[Melissa Jill]

I probably could endure the rest of my life as a man, I doubt I would kill myself over it as long as I stay on my anti-depressants.
If I had the choice I would go on hormones and get SRS and everything, but even if they won't let me do that I plan to pretty much transition as much as I can by myself so dressing 24/7, train my voice, get any legal documents I can changed etc.

[arbon]

I feel being transsexual is a sense of self, or a sense of being. I don't think it is a need or a want, but rather something that already is. Whether to transition,though, if that is a need or a want? Both for me. It was something I did not want to admit I wanted, though I did want it but thought I could get through life as a man still, but eventually it became evident that if I was going to survive I needed to do it. Yet even now while I am committed to transition and know I can't stop, I can still consider stopping and trying to go back, not because I don't think I am transsexual or that I am a woman in mind and heart, but because I am scarred of how all this may turn out.

[Melody Moore]

Being transsexual is something I did not need or want, being transsexual is something I am. I never
did want to transition, but I had a need to transition based on the fact I am transsexual. If I didn't
transition I most likely would have ended up dead in the 2-3 years, a problem also made much worse
I was also born intersex and my endocrine system & auto-immune system were both in total chaos.

[Melissa Jill]

I don't really feel like a man or a woman, I don't particularly want to transition, but I too feel I need to for some reason.

[Melody Moore]

Melissa, are you seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues? Because you really should be
talking to a psychologist about these issues to find the path that is most suitable to you. They really
do make life a whole lot easier when you are trying to work though such things.

[Aprilrain]

What Arbon said.

Transition aside, I didn't want to feel this way, I didn't want to want to be female! It made no sense why I should feel this way or think these thoughts and I was very homophobic, as a defense mechanism I'm sure. I could no more wish away transsexualism than one could wish away left handedness. Ones sense of self is pervasive and eventually I was unable to postpone or evade the issue any longer. Once I accepted that this was just how it was then yes I wanted to transition.

[Melissa Jill]

Melissa, are you seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues? Because you really should be
talking to a psychologist about these issues to find the path that is most suitable to you. They really
do make life a whole lot easier when you are trying to work though such things.

I will be soon, my GP is referring me to a gender specialist.

[Julia_in_Pa]

You do not have a choice being transsexual or intersexed.

You either are or your not.

It's biological for both TS and IS.

That's like asking if being black or Chinese is a need or a want.

It is what it is.



julia

[Badtranny]

Sure I could have "endured" the rest of my life as a man (or a pretty fair approximation) but life is for living, not enduring.

I absolutely did not WANT this, but as my transition perks along, my life has changed from just getting through the day to literally being in love with every day.

Need or Want? Guess it depends on who you're asking.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's not a need or a want...you are who and what you are..so there is no answer to your question...and if there was...it wouldn't matter...you are asking questions that will not help you solve your problem

you really need to get some strong and knowledgeable guidance in your life...that will help you alot..

[ReineD]

I don't really feel like a man or a woman, I don't particularly want to transition, but I too feel I need to for some reason.

Just a reminder, gender identity is not binary. Cisgenders, transsexuals, and some intersex do fall at either end of the male/female spectrum, but there are many people who fall in between, and this may be where you fit right now, even if this is evolving. This is the most difficult state of being to live with, in my opinion, because the majority of people do not understand anyone who is not either male or female.

In recent years, androgyny has become fashionable among the young and the beautiful, but in real life an androgene would find it difficult to find a niche in the mainstream. I think that many CDers learn to come to terms with this by constructing a life in which they can switch genders at will. Or, there are people who identify as CDs (because they feel they do not fit in with the cismen they know nor do they feel they are transsexual), and who present a feminine appearance without trying to pass completely.

I agree with others who suggest you should seek help with a gender specialist, but I would try to find someone who also understands the non-binary nature of gender. :hugs:

[stephiny10]

I don't know if this will answer your question or not; but last year when I finally allowed myself to explore a feeling that at the time was what I thought was a need to crossdress to make me feel fulfilled, but as the year went on, I discovered that I wanted to transition to full time, even to the point to where I'm now realizing that having srs is a very good possibility, and may be the best way for me to truly like myself

[SandraAbsent]

Sure I could have "endured" the rest of my life as a man (or a pretty fair approximation) but life is for living, not enduring.

I absolutely did not WANT this, but as my transition perks along, my life has changed from just getting through the day to literally being in love with every day.

Need or Want? Guess it depends on who you're asking.

My god, I have "endured" this for 40 years and simply can't do it anymore. Once I identified what it was about me that was making me so miserable my entire life, it was like opening Pandora's Box and now it dominates my mind, my heart, and my soul. At first I though it was just the proverbial pink cloud, now as this weaves its way into every fiber of my life I am 100% certain of what I have to do. I agree, I did not WANT this. I would not WISH it upon anyone else. Life is in fact for living, not enduring so for me its a need and a want. I WANT to be happy, and NEED to do this in order to be happy. If I had never looked inward to see what was happening in my head, I most likely would have killed myself through a continued slow path of self destruction. Today despite my constant struggle with arranging my life to transition, I love being me and would never have it any other way.

xoxoxo
Sandra

[Schatten Lupus]

Transsexual is only a label, the same as skin color, hair color, ethnicity, or whatever. However a physical transition, to varying degrees based on each individual person, is a need. Many of us can endure, but for the sake of psychological health it is a need.
I hope you can find a good therapist soon, as it sounds you need help sorting some things out.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Being transgender is not a need or want, it is who I have always been even when it was in hiding. I just could not hide who I truly was with out causing such harm to the parts that did not belong, I would have died from the wounds. I do not wish this burden on anyone, but hope if we can help others transition easier through our experiences lets.

Hugs

[Kate T]

Melissa

Your title question is not actually what you are really asking. as has already been pointed out, your gender, sex and sexuality ARE. They are presuppose needs or wants, they actually generate needs or wants.
What you are really asking is do you NEED or do you WANT to persue feminisation to whatever stage up to and including surgical SRS. I do not identify as TS and consequently I feel others such as Melody, April, Julia and Badtranny are far better positioned to help you with this and provide personal experience. It is an interesting question. There are fundamental physiological NEEDs that medically the body must have in order to function biologically.These are the obvious ones of food, water etc. Beyond these I am inclined to think that the difference between a need and a want is dependent on the individual. I think an argument could be made that some individuals have such an intense requirement to feminise (or masculinise) that to not do so would cause such psychological disturbance that physical illnes can result.In that situation then it would seem clear that those requirements to feminise (or masculinise) are true needs. Equally there are others where the requirement e.g. say to have breasts, is readily outweighed by the consequences of such an action e.g. risk of complications with surgery, social isolation etc, so that having breasts is a want and not being able to fulfill that want does not damage their physical (or psychological) health.

[steph963]

I'd have to agree, Trans isn't something you can need or want, it's who we are.

What we can need/want though is to transition to the sex we should have been born with and I can't speak for everyone else but I can't stand the thought of not living as a woman permanently.

[noeleena]

Hi,

For my self im a non sexual now how does that fit in with one who is I S. what happened there,

Being I S & wired in such a way you have if you like both sets of you think both ways at the same time, theres no seperation between the two.

Thats how it is your born that way the most wonderfull thing is being able to accept this is the way i am & with out the trying to think why,

& yes we need to think beyound the i wont & i need to how can i live in a way thats befitting for this is who i am , & then get on with the details & stop waisting time with the struggle . trouble is it just takes so long to see it.

If your a woman as i was told then live it , get the help you need dont pussy foot around If you are really sure 100% you are , then do it . get the help you ....yes need..... & what ever else, dont be put off , as we say THIS IS YOUR LIFE no one else's .

...noeleena...

[Amber99]

I certainly don't WANT to transition, I have avoided it for years. What I want and need is to be a girl like my brain tells me I am.

[Steph.TS]

I certainly don't WANT to transition, I have avoided it for years. What I want and need is to be a girl like my brain tells me I am.
when I was 13 I wrote a note saying I wanted a sex change, my parents found it, and after weeks or months of it's a sin and riddicule I suppressed the desire for roughly 15 years looking back I can tell it just under the surface though, 2 years ago it broke free and it's stronger than ever, I'm going to therapy for this very issue and while I'm at conflict with myself on this issue, I do want to transition very badly so I can have peace, happiness and be free to be me. but the thing holding me back is fear, because going down this path has dangers, like losing family, friends, job etc... but that has to show how serious it is to me.

[Frances]

I'll assume the OP meant transioning and not being transsexual, which is a life-long condition.

I sure did not need to transition and I did not want to. Like I said in other threads, at 5' 7" and with my features and my hair I have it relatively easy, but it still sucks. I sunk $35,000 in therapy and hair removal, lost most of my friends, lost my relationship, went into bankruptcy and endured tremendous pain from surgery (on top of the recovery pain, I had a big infection that prolonged the pain for months). Now, I have to deal with reconstructing my life.

Transioning was neither a want or a need, but rather a HAD TO.

[Kimberly Long]

Melissa, are you seeing a therapist with experience in gender issues? Because you really should be
talking to a psychologist about these issues to find the path that is most suitable to you. They really
do make life a whole lot easier when you are trying to work though such things.

I am in total agreement with Melody. The first step is to talk to a psychologist and then work from there. The path of a transgender is commitment, hard and expensive. You must be totally into it and it will take several years, before change can be accomplished.

I am not trying to talk you out of it, because I jumped through the hoops and became the woman that I am and I love everyday of it. My only regret is, I wish I had done it much earlier in life. My feeling of life is so good and I am so happy.

I wish you the best.
Love Kimberly

[thechic]

With me i dont want or need to be transsexual,i just hat it,I just want not to be a man,I want to be a woman,so im on Hormones and dress and act as a woman 24/7 to make life bearable,would of just been easyer if i was born a woman,but such is life.

[KarenCDFL]

For me it is definitely a need.

Unfortunately, transition for me will never happen. Sigh

[Aprilrain]

For me it is definitely a need.

Unfortunately, transition for me will never happen. Sigh

A need that will never happen sounds like an untenable situation.

[ameliabee]

Asking if transition is a need or a want is a bit like asking if oxygen is a need or a want. Did you miss the whole 'medically necessary' thing?

[DebbieL]

I probably could endure the rest of my life as a man, I doubt I would kill myself over it as long as I stay on my anti-depressants.

I posted in another forum a topic "Sobering Statistics". In a survey of over 6,000 transgendered respondents, over 49% had attempted suicide. The presentation noted that this was a significant under-count because it did not include anyone who had succeeded in committing suicide. There is also no way of counting how many have had "deliberate accidents" (walking in front of a bus or truck), or had someone else kill them (getting into a situation where gay bashers or bikers or other violent types would kill them. Many transsexuals get orchiectomies by having one or more people kick them in the groin. Often, once the testicle are mutilated, doctors are more willing to consider SRS as an option. The problem is that there is also a chance of getting killed or disabled instead.

Personally, I know of two cousins who successfully killed themselves because they were transgendered. In their suicide notes, they didn't go into the details, but I knew both of them and all three of us liked to go down to grandma's cellar and dress up in the dresses stored down their. In fact, the last time I saw my grandmother she asked me "Are you a girl or a boy?". Even when she knew who I was, she didn't know which gender I was.

75% of those who actively transitioned (hormones, SRS, living as the desired gender full time), felt great relief.

Now, thanks to social networks and computer diaries, police have been discovering that most teen suicides have been related to sexual identity and sexual preference related issues.

When my father used to say "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", I so wanted to go off in his face and just say "I'm transsexual, I want to be a girl, but I'm 6 foot tall, have big feet, and there was no SRS when I was young enough to get the maximum benifits - the problem is permanent.

I've been transgendered since I was 2 years old. It wasn't even a problem until I was 5 years old and got caught in a girl friends dress by her mother, who totally freaked out. Neither I, nor the girl thought it was a big deal, but the mother was so upset that she called all the other mothers and told them about me and told them to tell their daughters not to play with "the little pervert". The next school-day, I want from having lots of friends (all girls) to no friends.


If I had the choice I would go on hormones and get SRS and everything, but even if they won't let me do that I plan to pretty much transition as much as I can by myself so dressing 24/7, train my voice, get any legal documents I can changed etc.

I could suggest "How to Change your sex: A lighthearted look at the hardest thing you'll ever do" by Lannie Rose.
I got mine on Kindle.

I started the transition process back in 1990, but when my wife threatened to have my visitation rights revoked or reduced to supervised visitation (she knew someone in the Nazarine Church who knew a fundamentalist Christian judge who would be happy to protect the children from their "faggot father".

Child support made therapists, hormones, and electrolysis nearly impossible to pay for. I was paying half my after-tax income at the time of the divorce PLUS day-care and other expenses.

I finally stopped dressing publicly as part of a leadership training program, since that was a requirement. By the time I finished the second program, I had gained over 100 lbs, and since I couldn't pass anymore, I gained another 80 lbs, finally growing to 325 lbs in 2001. I got so disgusted every time I dressed up and looked in the mirror or took a picture, that I gave up. I eventually ended up having a stroke in 2007, and my Wife, who knew about my dressing, used the dressing as motivation. I got so big in the hips that the only pants I could wear were plus size womens (3x or size 26). I could pay 5 times more for "Big and Tall" men's pants, but even then I couldn't get a pair that fit both my waist and hips at the same time.

Last year, in August, I decided that I wanted to lose weight and be able to wear size 14 again. By the time I got down to a size 18, I was ready to start going out again. When my dad was about to die, I went to be with him. Not knowing how much longer he would be able to talk with me, one of the first serious conversations we had he said "If I never gave you anything else, I hope I have you the ability to be yourself". I asked if he had seen my face-book pages, which included several reviews of transgender and transsexual liturature as well as my own experiences, and some pictures of me in femme mode. He had seen them, and was happy that I was free to express myself.

My father was transgendered too. He took a test which indicated that he was about 75% feminine, and had never been a typical man. In fact it was my mother who watched football or listened to it on the radio, and my dad liked to watch mom watch the game because she was so cute when she got so excited about a good play. He also liked to go shopping, often wanted to go clothes shopping for mom, and even enjoyed shoe shopping. After being harassed for wearing a pink shirt and a pink tie, he was completely gender conformance at work, but often wore cashmere sweaters my mother would make for him, and liked to wear short shorts. For him, transition wasn't even a possibility, so he just did his best to structure his life - and mom loved it because he did the shopping, took care of us kids on his days off, and and enjoyed giving us baths and doing much of the other traditional "women's work".

While I was taking care of him, I wore my short shorts, pink sketchers, and camisoles. One day, when I was scratching his back and he was really feeling good, he asked "Where did you learn to take such good care of me?", I said "From you dad, from you". It's ironic that dad was the only member of the family who didn't even want to discuss my gender issues.

After he died, I decided to really look at where I wanted to go. I'm torn. At my age, I wouldn't be the beautiful young woman I'd always wanted to be, I'd be an old lady, with all the fun of being 56 years old. On the other hand, the thought of spending the rest of my life as a man, the knee-jerk reaction is "shoot me now, put me out of my misery".

[chelseababy]

Sorry to hijack the thread and not provide an answer for you, but I am also from the UK and very confused myself.

What process have you gone through to see a gender specialist? I am booking a GP appointment soon to bring this up for the first time, but not sure yet what I want or need from speaking to a professional (and not sure if this is a common feeling before a first appointment??) as i think I could endure a life as a man, but i can endure a lot imo, when I'm at my happiest though is when I am dressed and being feminine, my wife has noticed my mood changes when i'm not dressed, and i've noticed too, at one point not too long ago my male personality was effecting my marriage considerably...

I suppose I can answer your Q then, could I live the rest of my life as a man, i'd say so, but I would probably lose my wife and die lonely! b/c i tend to be a stressy and negative person to be around when not dressed, if i ever transition in the future then I would say its because I would want to, because I want to wake up everyday and be the me who makes me the happiest

[Melissa Jill]

Hi all, thanks for the posts, youve given me a lot to think about.


Sorry to hijack the thread and not provide an answer for you, but I am also from the UK and very confused myself.

What process have you gone through to see a gender specialist? I am booking a GP appointment soon to bring this up for the first time, but not sure yet what I want or need from speaking to a professional (and not sure if this is a common feeling before a first appointment??)

I had been seeing my GP for a while because of my depression and had briefly mentioned it to him once about being confused about my gender, but I put it down to the depression confusing me. Last time I went he asked me about it and I said I was seeking therapy from a gender specialist and he said he would refer me to one.

[Rianna Humble]

Is being transsexual a need or a want?

I probably could endure the rest of my life as a man, I doubt I would kill myself over it as long as I stay on my anti-depressants.
If I had the choice I would go on hormones and get SRS and everything, but even if they won't let me do that I plan to pretty much transition as much as I can by myself so dressing 24/7, train my voice, get any legal documents I can changed etc.

I think that you have answered your real question almost as well as many of the other posters. Being is neither a want nor a need, you either are transsexual or you are not (and there is no judgement from me either way).

There seem to be a few people for whom transition is a want - generally those with enough money to short-circuit the Standards of Care. I could be wrong, but from what I have seen, those are the people who seem to have unrealistic expectations of what transition entails.

For many of us, transition is a way to survive, so I guess that in terms of your question that would make it a need.

From your last sentence, you seem determined to transition. I hope that you get the level of support from the medical community that you both need and deserve.

[*Vanessa*]

Hi Melissa
I wasn’t going to write, for maybe obvious reasons, yet Deb has yet again enticed me to contribute through her writing. She is amazing.

I think maybe I read that question as “Do I gamble that fait will be kind”. Most everyone, has choices yet we all fool ourselves into thinking that what we got we wanted. I knew I was girl at a very young age, yet only come to have to deal with that knowledge only a couple of months ago.

In my teens I was accused of being gay, I was enraged, sad and scared that I was, yet I didn’t feel gay. I was raised in a town of 1000 people you not only knew everyone’s name you also knew what their sexual likes where, yet I still didn’t feel gay. I was also raised in an abusive family and the youngest of three kids. I can remember hiding in my mother’s closet when I was five years old when something really hit deep in my mind. The aroma of her scent made my head spin. The feelings I had felt right. In there I felt like who I was, a woman (a little girl). In my teens I loved wearing those hi-collared shirts, it was the late 60s and early seventies. I would grab the embroidery thread and sew another stitch on the collars to ascent them. I would go to teen-hop and usually take a fist in the mouth. I remember my uncle laughing wildly at me when I wore a shirt with lace sleeves (google the Paul Revere and the Raiders). There were a couple of boys I really liked growing up, and I secretly thought I would love to be their wife, but how the heck would that happen. Everyone that had a notion talked about the only good thing to come out of such people would be dead people. I’m a small guy, in my teens I was tiny. I do remember a couple of time friends of my older brother chased after one the boys who smashed my lip for me. I got the stuffing bet out of me in my neighbour’s yard while to big ‘friends’ watched and one of them later became an RCMP officer. That betting hurt, my brother went after the boy and bet him up for me. I started drinking at age 15, it felt good to numb myself. My own mother provided alcohol to me I am sure she knew what I was doing.

I went on to marry my first wife, she left me shortly after we got back from the honeymoon. That same year I almost killed my dad (literally) for calling her a wh*re. I left that small town the year after that. Married my second wife, went to college and started a family. I thought I felt safe enough to talk about myself to my wife, she totally got that family abuse stuff and it explained tons to her yet she was not all that enthused about me dressing, how the heck could I tell her there was more to it than that. You just do strange things for the chance and hope of love, bottom line. I left her 7 years into our marriage I such could not take the level of arguing we were at. Wife three came along shortly after, I told her all about me and as I did even more surfaced. We stayed together for 27 yrs, she wanted me to transition (around year 3 or 4) at that time I was to scared. I provided for all the children the best I could, provided a home and shelter for them when they lived with me. I supported my wife while she was going through her own hell. I move her closer to her family across the country where she decided to leave me in ‘09. She claimed bankruptcy, was the bread winner for 4 years. The banks came after me so I had to claim bankruptcy. Prior to that time, I could buy anything I wanted at anytime of the day worth 50 thousand dollars out of my back pocket and not dipping into my savings.

Today I have absolutely nothing and probably won’t for the rest of my life. I spent my entire life trying to help others and get some reward from that act. Plan as we might we simply cannot plan a guaranteed future. Take your life and live it to the max. From what you have written one thing stands out, at least how I read it and that is, you don’t feel like man. Talk with as many professional as you can. Don’t think of any expense as a show stopper. And lastly I truly hope you have the best in your future, you are a beautiful human being.

Vanessa

[Risque_Christine]

Not so long ago, I would have never responded to this post. But the need to be Christine is so real and desperate, that I take risks that were and are unimaginable. When a GG or GM runs a hand through your hair and calls you "sweetheart" AND MEANS IT then it is not just a need or want, it is an imperative.
Best, Christine

[Noemi]

You express yourself so clearly dear. Thank you, you help me with your honesty.



I feel being transsexual is a sense of self, or a sense of being. I don't think it is a need or a want, but rather something that already is. Whether to transition,though, if that is a need or a want? Both for me. It was something I did not want to admit I wanted, though I did want it but thought I could get through life as a man still, but eventually it became evident that if I was going to survive I needed to do it. Yet even now while I am committed to transition and know I can't stop, I can still consider stopping and trying to go back, not because I don't think I am transsexual or that I am a woman in mind and heart, but because I am scarred of how all this may turn out.

[Risque_Christine]

Oh gosh, Christine does not know what she can say about a heartfelt response like this other than "could you meet me for lunch?" I am not so far away, and you should not feel so alone. She can't get out much in this area, but is determined to make a complete wreckage of her life.

Best, Christine

[PaulaAnn]

Well to me ,it is a need and a want. I need to be thought of as a woman;I want /need to live my life as a woman despite all the huge roadblocks in my way. Wanting to live as a woman will cost me my marriage although that alone is not the root cause of my splitup.I have always wanted to live as a woman ever since my teens;women were always adored and wanted ,pampered , and dressed divinely in my young eyes.Of course there is the reverse side of the coin where women were abused and maltreated. There is this need in me that wants Paula to be accepted and loved as the lady she is ;the male side of me ,Paul is slowly losing ground to the woman ,Paula. Paula is the dominant personality here and will soon be out in the open ....she has this need to emerge from her "cocoon";she wants to be free to live as she has always wanted to.
Yes the wearing of sexy ,silky lingerie and lovely outfits is such a huge bonus to being a woman ,but it's the inner self and that desire to be who you want to be that is the real issue.If one thinks and acts as a woman and believes in herself truely ,how can she not make it?Unto thine own self be true ....I believe that I'm a woman,I act as one ,I think as one ,therefore I am one.I want to be a woman ,I need to be a woman
It has taken me nearly fifty years to realize that desire to be a woman,many years of suppression,denial and countless tears....a marriage lost ,loss of friends and prestige.....all this to realize a dream ,a need and a want.
This ramble may not make sense to some ,but it's what Paula is about and that is the bottom line.
Paula.

[ashlylynn]

EDIT

I am so mad - I spent 25 min typing a great reply
then had to edit it and the forum timed out and
I lost my changes - ug - sorry can't do it again.

[Melissa Jill]

Hey, thankyou all for your responses. Im not replying to most things because theres a lot of helpful stuff here. But what Paula said in particular screams out to me "I need to be thought of as a woman". It is exactly this which is the root of all my confusion, its not that I feel trapped inside a mans body persay or that I want to wear girls stuff or anything, I need (or want? I dunno) to be thought of as a woman.

[ReineD]

its not that I feel trapped inside a mans body persay or that I want to wear girls stuff or anything, I need (or want? I dunno) to be thought of as a woman.

I know I needn't post this, but I just want to tell you that I had misconstrued your meaning earlier, in your words that I quoted. I apologize.

[Melissa Jill]

I know I needn't post this, but I just want to tell you that I had misconstrued your meaning earlier, in your words that I quoted. I apologize.

Don't worry, a lot of people did it. I didn't even consider it could be taken the way the majority did.

[nickieee]

From the age of eighteen, I used to wonder what it would feel like, to be a girl.This wondering feeling, was soon to change into trying to change my physical shape.Needless to say,the methods I used, never did work,even now, although I do wear girls underwear all the time.Accept for my long hair,and perhaps my smooth skin,My outward appearance is male.I know I will NEVER, be able to come out, even part time.My yearning to be able to, hurt so much.I have found a way to ease the hurt,three years ago,after using herbs for over six years, for their supposed body changing abilities, of course they never did work, I went over to Hormones.I did use the internet,for all the info,on the use of hormones.
I knew what I had to do,I could not, have another person tell me what to with my body,and for how long, so every thing is self responsible,although I cannot show it? I now have a female body,most of it anyway,and it does heal the hurt.
lots of love to every one.nickieee