Still afloat

[Lorileah]

It is great when things come together and you realize that you are what you are.

So many times here this discussion of what we are comes up and most of us know we are not whatever label is put upon us. I know I have struggled with what I am and what I am not. I try hard to not judge and yet, I still do. I am not perfect and I try to be better. But I know who I am right now.

It has taken a long time to get here. I had a lot of help and support which made it an easier road than I am sure many here have had. I still don't fit into a "box". I am me. That is all.

I wrote last week of going out alone. It was a wonderful experience. Maybe I am in the "pink fog" now or maybe it is just the rebound of being alone, but I have been wanting to be "out" more now. I went out Wednesday with friends for dinner and drinks. I didn't feel beautiful but had a few compliments.

(Side note, if you are in Denver the X bar and the Black Crown are excellent choices to get out on the town).

Last night I went out alone again. I like that right now. I like the freedom. And once again it was a wonderful experience. I was complemented on my eyes, my clothes, my general look, my smile (which I don't use near enough in day to day life). I talked to people, I interacted with people. I didn't need someone else to protect me. I had always thought that I did need someone next to me when I was out and dressed. Someone I could look to and say "It's OK right?"

Well it is OK. I don't really know how to describe my look. It isn't over the top, it isn't everyday. It works. I get the attention I need (from women and men) and I also don't portray an "easy" woman. I guess I get some respect. I don't know if it is respect for being who I am or just respect for dressing like I do in public. But I feel comfortable right now where I am.

I still want a partner in life, another best friend who is also a companion and maybe more. I hope that I will find them. Or they will find me. Either way they are not going to knock on my door so I have to be out with the public.

If you want to be accepted, you have to accept yourself first. You have to know that no matter what you think, you are a good person. You are not a freak. All those labels you hear are just ignorant ideas. Ignorance can be cured.

Trust yourself, know who you are. You will evolve. You will grow. But give yourself room.

[Veronica Lodge]

But I know who I am right now

Great way of putting it. Good post. I really enjoyed reading your honesty.

[Helen Grandeis]

A woman's smile, more than her hair, is her crowning glory. Congratulations on your solo adventure. If life is a search for good feelings, I hope they frequently come your way.

[SusanLCD]

It sounds like you're not only healing, but, growing, Lorileah. I'm proud of you and pleased for you. You've had a rough time and deserve some "up" time. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I often go out alone for dinner, or banking, or to buy groceries; mundane day-to-day tasks. When I experience a good time, I want to share it with others; especially those on this forum. I'm sure those who read those postings wonder why I submitted a story that doesn't seem to have a point or pose a question. For me, it is about sharing the happy (and, sometimes, not) things that I/we experience.

I wish you good fortune and hope you'll continue to share your journey with us.

[Lace-Is-Great]

Lorileah, I am gladdened to hear that things have been looking up for you this week! Those nights out sound like they were wonderful
:-)

Speaking of Black Crowne, I just went there for the first time last Sunday! It is truly MARVELOUS!! The decor -- the bright chandeliers and crystally objects ornamenting the place -- the second floor with all those beautiful and comfy sofas -- the back with the cute water pond and wooden decks -- and even the front entrance is so nice and classic / Victorian!

I fell in love with the place... Black Crowne rules! I've never been to the X Bar, but now that you mention it, I will be curious to check it out sometime.

Thanks for welcoming me to this site in my post of "Introduction - New Members", and I am happy to have just now made it past the 10 posts point! *giggles*

This Sunday has been a great day here for me on this forum, and now I will head out to see a movie with another new friend over at Colorado Mills... she's not sure whether she wants us to watch "Jack and Jill" or "Tower Heist". Also tempted to see the new Twilight movie, but I guess that can wait. lol

Hope you're having a bright and blessed Sunday!

*Hugs*
~ Danielle

[Marleena]

Lorileah that is a very inspiring story.:) The old saying "life goes on" is so true. I wish you happiness, you deserve it, we all do. We just need to find it.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Lori!

Love the way you put it! Great Job!

Hugs

[KellyJameson]

Hi Lorileah Like the saying goes you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find the one and frogs live in swamps so we have to be willing to risk stepping in the muck and being uncomfortable. When I read your words and I think of the person behind those words one image always comes to mind and that is the image of Grace.

What has been said about grace is that it is the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul and your words past and present certainly reflect a movement toward this harmony. I hope you find that special person and they are worthy of your gifts.

[Pamela Kay]

Lori, there are those who have outward beauty and those that have inward beauty but your sincere and heartfelt words prove that you have both in abundance. I am nowhere near the level of CD maturity that you are but I am learing so much from you and the other girls on this forum and learning more about myself in the process. Thank you so much for revealing your heart to your family of sisters here on this site.

[Cynthia Anne]

Thank you Lorileah for the good sound advice! Life is so much sweeter when you accept yourself! Hugs!

[SarahLynn]

"It is great when things come together and you realize that you are what you are."

LoriLeigh if you are as beautifull in real life as in that picture then things should always come together for you. It's inner beauty which makes people shine. Not always the outer self shown to the world but the true inner beauty which such thoughtfull remarks shine for you. And you are beautifull.

SarahLynn

[Miranda09]

You're an inspiration to everyone Sis, especially me. Stay away from that box and continue to be yourself............and don't ever lose that smile! :)

[kimdl93]

Lori, I'm so glad you're giving yourself the room to go out and live. In another post, it was suggested that going out (or more precisely coming out) basically traded one set of anxieties for another. It doesn't seem to be your expereince. Has going out again help you "find yourself"?

[Lorileah]

Lori, I'm so glad you're giving yourself the room to go out and live. In another post, it was suggested that going out (or more precisely coming out) basically traded one set of anxieties for another. It doesn't seem to be your expereince. Has going out again help you "find yourself"?

Kim, it has actually been a salvation. I am happy when I am out and more at ease. I expect this will be a temporary thing and that both sides will balance out, but right now I am happier when I am dressed.

I have been going out in public for about 15 years now but not often and there were several years where I did not dress at all. When ever I went out before it was with the cover of someone else. Usually with my GF which tended to keep me grounded and we went to sedate places like restaurants. In a way the class she always showed has rubbed off on me. I still love minis an super heels but now I dress not conservatively but classy. That seems to work because the people I meet either love the look or I get ignored (I don't mean that in a bad way...I guess it is what most here would call passing). I was always scared to be out and alone. Not that I wasn't aware or that I could not defend myself, it was more "what if they don't like how I look" or "What if someone decides to be confrontational?" So far that has not been an issue. My personal opinion on that is, it is because I do dress nicely.

I won't say I am not scared when I am out,just I try and present like I know what I am doing (even if I don't). I stand tall and I walk like I own the place. I don't slink. One thing that I think makes a huge difference and this is one of the perks of dressing, is I am happy and I smile more when I am out and dressed. I know I have been told many times that this is one thing that makes a difference, but in male mode I am more sullen and dour. When I am dressed I like me a whole bunch. It is not that I am a different person, just happier and more confident. I have always felt in control when dressed. The smile goes a long way to get people to talk to you. Even if it just a passing comment.

One drawback if you can call it that is that I present about 5-10 years younger than I am. This has been an issue in conversations (or else these people are shining a light up my skirt) when they try and explain things I know. Like bands and music. I am more confused with younger people because my point of reference is years ahead of them. I have no clue about pop music of the 80's and 90's. So I try and hang out with older people :)

To specifically answer the question though, I have less anxieties when I am out dressed. But it may be just my circumstances. When I am in male mode, I tend to dwell on how bad I think my life has become. When I am out, I tend to think about how wonderful life can be.