Telling you Wife/SO you are a CDer....

[JaneAshland]

I know this topic has been beat to death, but I wanted to bring up another thought.

Been married to my second wife approx 10yrs. She new of my wearing women's undergarments before we were married, and is actually turned on by this. Just recently, I have told her that I dress and go out as a woman. She was thankful that I told her, as she suspected it, and did not like me hiding it from her. So, at this point we are ok. She has no problem with me going out as a women from time to time, but she would like to know, and is perfectly fine with it. I have asked her about both of us going out, and the only thing that she has a problem with, and needs to work out in her mind, is the fact that she looks at me as her "protector" and does not know how she would feel if we ever got into the situation where someone was laughing at me.

I have often thought of this same "protection" feeling that our kids have of us a fathers. Our wives and children look to us as their "protectors", and when we are dressed as women, I think we loose that "respect"????

Does this make sense? Thoughts????

[AllieSF]

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. It is a feeling and in the case of one of us MtF CD's it shouldn't be based only on the exterior presentation. What protection is needed for someone else laughing at our presentation? Our feelings may get hurt? If we are brave enough to go out, we should hopefully have developed a thicker skin regarding snide comments from the peanut gallery. Your partner when out, other CD's, friends, and your SO, also need to develop that same thick skin. Now, if we are talking about personal protection against attacks by others, well I was never very good at that in male mode and would probably be fairly clumsy en femme, especially wearing heels. I am pretty calm in not so nice situations and would hope that I would be the same when out dressed. So, I think that if we are convinced that we can still offer in femme mode the same protection to others as we did before in male mode, then we just need to help the others get to that same level that we are at regarding safety. I understand that it may be more difficult for kids to feel the same, however, I also do not think that kids would necessarily have much worry about being protected because they really do not think that deep into a situation. They tend to take it for granted. That is my three cents worth. I hope that it helps.

[JaneAshland]

Yeah, I can roll the comments/laughing off with a smile, and a laugh as well. Not sure I want to put my wife in that situation, so this is really going to require some thought and discussion with her. I never want her to loose that feeling she has of me as her provider/protector. I know this sounds corny/silly, but I think you understand.

The kids are older, and I would never ever tell, unless I was just caught. I can continue to enjoy this part of my life when that are not around.

[Eryn]

...I have asked her about both of us going out, and the only thing that she has a problem with, and needs to work out in her mind, is the fact that she looks at me as her "protector" and does not know how she would feel if we ever got into the situation where someone was laughing at me.

My wife Mimi has expressed the same concern in some of her posts here on the forum. The first few times we went out she was most afraid of my feelings being hurt by someone saying something negative.

Our solution to this is to avoid places where negative situations might arise. 99% of people will treat you politely because that is what people do. The only exceptions are those people who lack the inhibitions that prompt them to behave properly. Drunks and unsupervised groups of teenagers are to be avoided but that isn't too difficult as both groups tend to congregate in predictable locations.

As far as being a protector, I'm still 6'2" tall even en femme. I have the same self-defence capabilities unless I'm dressed to the nines. I've never played the Neanderthal male en drab and I certainly hope that my wife's respect for me isn't based upon my ability to do violence.

[Marleena]

There were some news stories not long ago with peeved off crossdressers. They kicked some butt. You don't mess with them.:)

[April_Ligeia]

I have a disadvantage in crossdressing in that I am 6'5" tall and weigh about 200 pounds. However, the advantage to this is that I don't get laughed at very often, no matter how I dress. This being said, I find that if you look someone in the eye they are a lot less likely to laugh at you. When someone sounds like they have something rude to say, I typically start staring at them, daring them to challenge me. I developed this approach when I was younger and had long hair and wore stage makeup, spikes, etc. in a heavy metal band, and I also played in an industrial band which was even further out there musically and appearance-wise. I am also pierced and tattooed, which draws some attention. For what it's worth, I don't know that this approach will work for everyone, it's just what I do.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my advice to those thinking about telling their wives aboult their crossdressing.
think really hard about it first. i told my wife of 27 yrs in June and now our previously
happy marriage is in grave jeopardy?
i have lost my wife's respect and she will never be able to trust me again.
please make sure you are prepared for the consequences of a negative reaction,
i was very naive in my thinking that it would be fine after a few weeks, i was so wrong!

[kimdl93]

sure it makes sense. But I have a couple of ideas. First, I bet she she goes out with friends w/o any male protector nearby. So, suggest she think of it in those terms. Second, she cited the situation of how she'd feel if someone laughed. Well, there's an answer to that. Some people may smirk, chuckle or whatever. Its not lethal...in fact if you maintain a healthy sense of humor, you can appreciate that some people might find a CDr amusing. But, I'd also venture to add that the majority of us seldom have any such problems. We're read from time to time, certainly, but people generally either go about their business or give us a smile. Its not all that bad.

As for the last item - respect. Well, perhaps you can help her understand that you are the same person regardless of how you're dressed at home or on the street. And if you are the kind of person that deserves respect (honest, trustworthy, loyal, kind, generous, etc) that doesn't change with your clothes.

[Tara D. Rose]

my advice to those thinking about telling their wives aboult their crossdressing.
think really hard about it first. i told my wife of 27 yrs in June and now our previously
happy marriage is in grave jeopardy?
i have lost my wife's respect and she will never be able to trust me again.
please make sure you are prepared for the consequences of a negative reaction,
i was very naive in my thinking that it would be fine after a few weeks, i was so wrong!

I'm so sorry to hear that Giselle. Maybe sometime in the future things will change for you.

And JaneCDX, I feel the same as you and are my concerns as well. I have only been to a fast food drive through with my wife on two occassions, no problem there. I have gone out bymyself a few times. I do worry for my safety, but if my wife was with me, I would worry even more about her safety and for her feelings if someone said something very brash. I think we would just keep walking and get away from the situation. I have always been more concerned about my family's safety more than my own. I was the same way many years ago when I would be out and about with my younger children, for I would have given my life for their safety. But they are all gorwn up now and I have grands now. CD's in some cities can be assumed as easy targets. I won't put my wife through what might happen, so I just think better of it myself. I'd rather go out alone and allowing only myself to be ridiculed or harrassed and not put my wife in any potential situation. I think of her and not myself.
Love & Respect..............Tara