Came Out and Saw a Gender Therapist

[Pamela Kay]

I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it here as it seems to be the best place. I couldn't hold it in anymore and came out to my cousin nearly two weeks. I came out to her first because she has worked in the mental health field for almost 20 years and she is a lesbian and was familiar with gender issues and the places to go and people to talk too. I told her about my feelings and even dressed for her since I had my wig and dress with me. She has been very supportive and calls me her beautiful cousin. I asked her to set me up with a counselor and she talked to a friend of hers and I made an appointment for last evening. I spent an hour talking about family issues and about my feelings, basically that I am bi curious and want to start HRT. We also discussed my marital status and some of the issues involved there, I even took pictures of Pam and showed her those and she was very complimentary and supportive. I have another appointment next Thursday and I can hardly wait, I have been fighting these feelings for years and now that they are out I want to work through them and find the real me. I know this will take time and there will be much soul searching and work to get through. I haven't told my wife yet because I need to find out who I am before I can explain it to her. She has issues too from a previous marriage and needs counseling too, just don't know if she will.

Sorry for the long post, just had to tell the story and let others know I have taken my first baby step on what will be a long journey.

[Rianna Humble]

Congratulations on coming out to your cousin and on starting therapy, but I am a little concerned that you have not discussed this with your wife. Is there anything you could do to at least start to prepare her for the shock that is coming?

[Pamela Kay]

Rianna, she knows I shave my body and wear panties, I just don't know how to bring it up since it is a 180 degree turn from who I have been. We have seemed to be more like roomates the last several years, there is no passion or physical contact. I just want to be able to understand where this is going so I can explain it to myself as well as her.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Pamela...congratulations on making progress on your situation with the gender therapist

you do not know where this is going, you may not know where this is going for a very very long time... what does bi-curious have to do with anything??
starting HRT is a huge issue, how much do know about it?

you need to talk to your wife and let the chips fall. You need to give her the gift of trust and compassion over this, and not drop it like a bomb..
You need to share with her that you've decided to see a gender therapist to sort out your feelings...that's it... you need to share with her that you DONT KNOW where this is going..

if she wants out, you need to consider that its a good thing for both of you...if she doesn't then you need to promise her that you will keep her in the loop as you go to therapy, invite her to meet the therapist...

[melissaK]

Happy for you. Its always such a relief to admit it out loud to someone else - alone in the closet is an awful place.

You have been with your wife awhile and I gotta trust your intuition on how to handle your relationship with her, and I'm sure it'll be something you discuss in counselling. But I wouldn't wait doing that. Kaitlyn Micehele's advice is well stated. For me, my SO knew I cross dressed, shaved legs, etc., but HRT is a game changer and I had problems telling her I was starting - I flat out lied about it. I had real problems trusting anyone else to make this ultra personal choice with me (a lifetime of negative feedback over my gender choices had a lot to do with that), and I had real problems being secure enough in myself to risk living without her, so hence the lies. But swelling breasts don't tell lies. And eventually my wife and I had a discussion about it, including our respective fears. Counselling can help you figure out such things about yourself.

It's not a quick process reflecting over a life of events that have shaped you, and changing how you chose to act from here on out. So, no need to rush. But it does feel good to admit it doesn't it.

hugs,
'lissa

[Pamela Kay]

Thank you Melissa, It is a great load off of me to be able to talk about it with someone else. I understand it's not a quick process which is why I wanted to talk to my cousin and a counselor before I talked to the wife. It will be a bomb no matter how I break it to her but I thought it would be better to talk with the counselor first.

Thank you too Kaitlyn, I realize I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about and I probably don't. I brought up the bi-curious issue because it was one of the issues I talked with the counselor about. I have watched every TG documentary and looked up all the information I could find on the internet about being transgender and transitioning. I have read every thread I can and read your and the other members discussions and posts here on the site trying to learn from others experiences. After many years I have finally reached a point where I can't deny it anymore and had to talk to someone who can help me sort out my feelings. I appoligize if I have offended you or anyone else, just thought I could share what I'm going through and learn from others who have been through it.

[Rianna Humble]

Rianna, she knows I shave my body and wear panties, I just don't know how to bring it up since it is a 180 degree turn from who I have been.
...
I just want to be able to understand where this is going so I can explain it to myself as well as her.

As with any fundamental shift like this, I would always recommend you to try to pave the way and keep lines of communication open. You don't need to have all the answers, but by sharing some of your thoughts and feelings and listening to hers, you will be showing that you trust her. If your wife asks a question where you are not sure of the answer (maybe because you haven't got that far in your exploration) it is OK to say "I don't know" and maybe add something to the effect of "I haven't considered that yet".


I brought up the bi-curious issue because it was one of the issues I talked with the counselor about.
...
I apologize if I have offended you or anyone else, just thought I could share what I'm going through and learn from others who have been through it.

I don't think you have offended anyone who has replied in this thread, but your sexuality is completely separate from your gender identity.

It is good to discuss what you are going through and if you have concluded that you are (or may well be) TS, then this is a good place to discuss that. I think the confusion came because you mentioned your sexuality and the desire for HRT in the same sentence and one should not be predicated upon the other.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks for your insight and advice Rianna, this is the kind of feedback I was looking for when I started this thread. I will remember to keep the orientation seperate from the gender identity, still learning.

[tanyalynn51]

Im glad for you, Pam. It is such a hard first step even with support.

[Pamela Kay]

Im glad for you, Pam. It is such a hard first step even with support.

Thanks Tanya, It was hard but I was at the point where I had to do something because I couldn't push my feelings down any longer. Necessity can give you courage even if you can't find it yourself.

[tanyalynn51]

Thanks Tanya, It was hard but I was at the point where I had to do something because I couldn't push my feelings down any longer. Necessity can give you courage even if you can't find it yourself.

Sounds like we come from the same place, as do a lot of people here on the site.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks Tanya, it's encouraging to see there are others dealing with these issues later in life too.

[Raychel Torn]

Pamela,

There comes a point then you need to share who you really are with the person who is closest to you and it can be a great when you finally do, but it can also go very bad. I was very lucky to have a supportive wife but I have read a good number of post that indicate that this is not the way it goes all the time. The thing to remember is that you want is most important. Your relationship with your wife sounds like something that you value, and if that is true you might consider asking her to go to counseling with you. Then during that process you can begin to share who you are and what your needs are. This is a lot to drop on anyone but it may be to much to drop on a wife who does not have any support network to help her deal with it constructively.
Good luke and remember that we are all here to support you.

[elizabethamy]

Pamela,

As a CD newly out to myself (!) -- 2 years -- and to my wife -- 2 weeks -- I too don't know where this is "going" or even if there is some kind of progression that will lead to living en femme, transitioning, etc. Obviously it would be more convenient to stop where it is, more or less, so that everything I have now would not be upset and/or lost. But it will be what it will be. I have tried to find a therapist with some expertise, a lot of openness, and no agenda (either "stop" or "turn into a woman"). I think I've lucked out with her so far, but oh my. THe support we need. The reading I'm doing! The hours i've spent talking to my wife about it...wow. Any time you start on a journey, you never know what will happen, but I guess I just want to second what others have said -- there's a lot of support, on this site and in the real world, if one chooses to reach out for it. Best wishes,

elizabethamy

[Raychel Torn]

Pamela,

There comes a point then you need to share who you really are with the person who is closest to you and it can be a great when you finally do, but it can also go very bad. I was very lucky to have a supportive wife but I have read a good number of post that indicate that this is not the way it goes all the time. The thing to remember is that you want is most important. Your relationship with your wife sounds like something that you value, and if that is true you might consider asking her to go to counseling with you. Then during that process you can begin to share who you are and what your needs are. This is a lot to drop on anyone but it may be to much to drop on a wife who does not have any support network to help her deal with it constructively.
Good luke and remember that we are all here to support you.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks everyone, I plan on talking with my counselor Thursday at my next session about telling her. I wanted to work with the counselor first to try and figure some things out for myself first but I don't know how much longer I can keep this from her and I don't really want to anymore. As you said, things could go well or not so well, hopefully they will go well. I will ask if she will go with me to counseling if she is open to it and wants to work together. However it goes I can't go backward now, only forward and continue finding out who the real me is. I will have to cross those bridges one at a time. I really appreciate all of your support, thank you all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

A very important thing to remember is that "LIFE IS LONG"..hopefully hehe

What i mean by this is that the urgency you feel today, which is very real, and likely dominating your day to day thinking, is going to impact you for a long time...you do need to talk to your wife, but as you point out, what can you tell her??

If only there was a way to move quickly AND think things through carefully..

So i'm really happy for you, and i'm nervous for you and your wife.. i hope the counselor you are seeing is well qualified and smart..

What you tell her when you talk is a big deal.. you may feel the need to figure things out first, but that's impossible to do....

for most people, taking HRT is something you do after you figure things out because of its health risk and because of the impact it will have in your bedroom.

...so as you work with your counselor, be smart, be open, be honest..it seems like you are that type of person, and it will serve you well as you figure all this out..

[Pamela Kay]

Kaitlyn, I hope life is long too! I have tried to calm myself and think realistically and honestly about what and who I am. I have done a lot of self assessment and thought about the many possible outcomes of the decisions to come and where they could lead. The possiblities are many and the outcomes could be good or bad depending on what happens and how others accept it, and me. All the questions of how it will affect my relationships with my wife, son, family, coworkers, friends, and the financial and identitiy changes that are sure to happen. Who will accept me and who will not? Will I be able to continue at my job or have to transfer or find another one? If the wife stays with me how will that work, and if she wants out what will be the outcome? Will I have to pay everything and if so will I still be able to go forward with transition if that's where the path takes me? These are just a few of the questions I have running through my head. Then there is the question that drives it all, will I be happier as a woman? I have thought about that and tried to see myself as a post-op TS woman living my life in comparison to how I live it now. As far as living as a woman I believe I would be happier, but there is no way to see how accepting others will be or what would change. I guess in the end the final decision has to be based on how you feel and what you want, there is no way to know how others will react so you have to make the decision that you can live with yourself. I do have a good and experienced counselor and she has a partner that is almost exclusively dealing with TG/TS people and sponsors some support groups as well. I have come to the same conclusion you have on telling the wife, I will never have it all figured out so she might as well know where I am before it gets any deeper and let her decide how it will affect her and what she wants. I understand about the HRT and realize it will be many more counseling sessions down the road. There will be little to no impact on the bedroom (enough said). I am trying to be me when I work with the counselor and not who I have been in the past. I believe the counseling has already helped and will help more as we work and move forward.

Sorry for the novel, just trying to put feelings into words.

[melissaK]

It's ok. It was just a novella. ;^)

[Pamela Kay]

I thought I would give everyone and update, this has been a week of trials and changes for me. Another CD here on the site wanted to meet for coffee after I got off work, I told the wife it was someone I met at a seminar but she didn't buy it and kept prying. I decided it was time and told her who I was meeting, that I was a crossdresser, how long I had been doing it, I had been to see a therapist, and how I felt when I was dressed. She was shocked and hurt that I had kept this from her. I explained that I needed to get some answers myself before I could explain anything to her. Of course she jumped to the conclusion that I was gay, etc. and got the silent treatment the rest of the night and the next morning. I sent her a text and told her I cancelled the meeting with the other CD and when my counselor appointment was that afternoon. She texted back that she was really confused and needed time to think. I went to my counselling session and discussed this and some of our other marriage issues. She asked me if the wife was willing to go to marriage counselling if I wanted to stay if she did, I had to admit that I didn't. We have grown appart and there has been no desire or intimacy for several years. Yesterday the wife and I talked again and she admitted that she had issues to from a previous marriage and the loss of her brother. We mutally agreed that the marriage was over but both decided we still love each other as friends and can't afford to do anything right now. We have sketched out a plan to go through things and prepare to sell the house, divide assets, come to a mutal agreement and have a no-fault divorce when we have things worked out and ready. We also agreed to let each other know what we're doing and be honest because we both still care about what happens to the other. We agreed that we can do our own things and I can dress, go out, and continue to explore things and grow as Pam. In my wildest dreams this is the best senario I could have hoped for and thank God it has come to pass. She is not ready to go to counselling on her issues yet but agree's that she will need to when things slow down in a few months and that I am going to continue it and find my own path as well. Thank you all for your support and concern as we travel this road.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

wow !! that is alot to handle!

Take good care of yourself and her...your head is on straight, so keep it that way!!

I wish you the best and keep posting pls

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks Kaitlyn, it's sad that the marriage is over but I am glad that we are still friends who still care about each other.

[silkeze]

I think you are kind and considerate. Even though you didn't open up to your wife first you still thought of her first by pondering as how to tell her and thinking of her feelings. I hate that it had to end in a divorce. I often wonder how things would go with my wife. she knows I c/d but I would like to begin hormone treatments. I know theres a lot of us in this situation,why can't we dress en femme the way GG's dress in mens clothes? I still think dresses was made for the lazy man you put one on you have you'r shirt, you can aise it up to use the restroom behind a tree, perfect for a lazy guy. Wiish you the best Tammy

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks Tammy, in some ways I think our relationship is better now because there is no pressure or expectations for things that neither of us can give the other. We are who we are and we are still friends who can accept each other that way. If you are thinking about starting hormones or transition down the road I would strongly recommend finding a gender therapist to help you work on these issues. It has helped me a lot in just a short time, a therapist/counselor will help you to discover who you really are and what you really want.

[Pamela Kay]

Latest update. I talked with my therapist this evening and told her about the talk, decisions, and time frame my wife and I have planned out for the future. I told her I had checked out the transexual non-descrimination policy for my work and had done a lot of research on hormones and some of their effects. We also talked about how I was feeling and what I thought the next step should be. I told her I thought I was ready to start HRT and she agreed, she is going to find a Psychiatrist (PHD) and an Endocronologist to refer me to so I can begin the transition process. I have known for some time now that this was the way the path was leading me but now I know in both my heart and my mind that it is true. So the journey begins and I am at peace for the first time I can remember in a long, long time. I thank all the girls on this site for sharing your knowledge, experiences, and support. It is more valuable than gold to me.