Fiance doesnt agree.....

[Alyssa Lane]

So here im in a situation, my fiance that i've been with for 2 years just found out recently that i like to wear panties and bras. At first when she found it all she freaked out thinking the worst like i was gay or something. When she found all my things like the bras, panties, swimwear and the breast forms i had she took the scissors to them. From then on i told her i was done with it, purged everything for a couple months. 3 months later i found something i forgot about on a clothes hanger and i just got back to everything all over again but hid it. The fiance found the panties again and was freaked out, we talked and she was ok with the panties part. She said she wanted her to have the girly things and id have the boyshort panties and bikini panties, if i liked bras then she said buy some for her and if i needed them i could wear them and think of her instead of having my own. She was angered about me hiding it all so i had one thing left that she didnt know of, so i thought id be honest and show her. Thats where it didnt go so well, she freaked out when she found the other bra and breast forms, she started crying, we tryed to talk a bit but ended up having her mom come pick her up and said she wants to work it out but only when i get my things figured out of what i want. FYI in my thought is that she might be a bit self concious about her looks and basically asked if i was good enough for her, and this is like im cheating on her. Is there someone who can help me out, im not sure what to do, she has told me she is ok with the bras and panties, i think for some reason the breast forms pushed her over it. Mostly cause they are 36C bras and she is only a 34B. Any advice of how to go about this is much appreciated

[AllieSF]

Race there are a lot of very good threads on this topic and how the SO reacts to finding out and how they have difficulty trying to come to grips with it. So, first of all, congratulations for being honest with her before getting married. You need to continue doing that and maintaining a good workable line of communication on this topic. Otherwise, it becomes don't ask - don't tell type of situation, which over the long run is a lose - lose situation for both of you.

You also need to be honest with this if you do not know where it is taking you along the wide "T" spectrum. Is it only the things that you have, or do you want more and also want to eventually gout, etc. You may not have an answer to that right now and she needs to know that too. You may love her and she loves you, but she may not want to deal with this issue if she can avoid it. You should give her that chance before you ever get married.

I wish you good luck and you will get a lot of replies to this thread, which you need to understand and weed out the bad ones.

[Jennifer529]

I wish you all the best.
I'm lucky enough to have a GF that is ok with my CDing (most of the time)
All I can say is that dressing isn't like smoking,you can quit smoking!
Best of luck!

[Jane G]

Race.

I would say you have betrayed her trust a little here, by telling her it was done (which it will never be) and then re stocking all your favourite girly things. I did the same thing to my wife about 25 years ago. Long time ago but I remember it like yesterday. I ended up chasing her around Liverpool with a 5 foot stuffed rabit on the back of my motor bike to get her back. It was well worth it. If this is the girl for you then do what ever you have to get her back, just don't ever kid yourself or her into thinking this is a passing phase.

Best of luck Jane

[Sandra]

You have to sit down with her and talk, both of you need to be open and honest with each other. If she asks something and you can't answer her then please don't lie and say what you think she may want to hear, because she will find out and then things will be a lot worse.

You could see if she wants to join here and join us GGs in FAB, where she will get a lot of support and help, and also know that she is not alone.

[kimdl93]

believe me, its not the relative size of your breast forms. And the question about if she's good enough for you - well, she wonders if you're substituting this for her in some fashion. Her reactions are pretty common for women who discover anything about a SO that should have been disclosed in a forthright manner. And you've added to the problem by repeating the cycle, by promising to quit and purging at least a couple of times. So, now its likely that your promises don't seem to mean much and that she doesn't know whether she can believe anything you've told her. That's the heart of the problem.

Read the thread on how to tell a significant other for starters. You'll need to be brutally honest with yourself as well as with her. Don't go into the conversation with any expectations...don't think you are going to talk her into trusting you or accepting. That is only something she can do, and it will take time, if at all. And try to be clear about where you are in your dressing. It may be early in your life to know the full answer, but if you're remotely contemplating going full time, you need to be honest with her about that as well.

[Karren H]

Apparently you weren't very good at hiding things!! Probably would have been better for you if you were cheating with the other woman than being the other woman... Doesn't sound like she is going to be accepting to me.... Rare that they do a 180... Probably best you could hope for is she might ignore it as long as you keep it out of her face like my wife does.

[KarenCDFL]

Hi Race,

I told my now wife well before we married. It took some time and counseling but now 16 years later, she is ultra cool with my dressing and even helps with makeup and purchases. My wife does not see anything in my dressing other than fun for the both of us.

I can understand why your fiancé is distressed but if i can be blunt, you and her need to work this out before you get married because you will never stop wanting to dress up and as it looks now, she is really against it.

If you two cannot resolve his issue where there is a meeting point, my advice would be to move on or you will always be resentful and in a bad place if she finds any of your feminine things later on in your marriage.

I wish you two the very best and hope you can work it out

[Katelyn B]

...When she found all my things like the bras, panties, swimwear and the breast forms i had she took the scissors to them....

This bit jumped out at me, and I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick, but you seem to be saying she found things which were not her property, regardless of what they were, and destroyed them just to be malicious. Whilst I can understand her being angry later on for being deceived, this act, to me at least, would be completely unacceptable, especially in a relationship between two equals.

Did you make an issue of it?, was she sorry or apologetic?

It seems like you are taking all of the blame for the situation onto yourself and ignoring any which could be placed on her, at the end of the day there isn't anything wrong with being TG,

[Alyssa Lane]

My fiance has gone shopping with me this past weekend, even surprised me and asked if i wanted to buy myself anything, at first we went into victorias secret, she bought a bra and a couple panties there, we walked around the mall and asked me if la senza or la vie en rose was better ( i'm in Toronto Canada). We ended up in la senza and started shopping, they had a buy over $60 and get 40% off, so we picked out a couple things there, i picked out a bustier and garter set for her, she got the 7 for 27 panties deal. She kept asking if we were done shopping there, i thought so and that was when she asked if i wanted anything for myself, at that point i thought i had quite a bit and didnt need anything else. We went home and she tryed all her things on for me. I know i dont quite want to go out full dressed, im just stopped at the lingerie part that feels good to me. Its the big decision of stopping all the way or i dunno.....

[meri]

Race,
Don't get married until you resolve things with her, it will be a lot less messy in case it doesn't work out.

Her cutting up your things is an indicator of someone who wants to control, you may want to take a closer look at that tendency too and make sure you are comfortable with it (or not).

This will take some hard work -- relationships often do, but having our kind of "interest" makes relationships so much more challenging.

[Presh GG]

Race,

You sure think highly of yourself .
I'd put the wedding on hold until you can be honest with the women you SAY you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Is there a reason you haven't hold her about CD.com?

[Alice B]

No question you have to have a full and open discussion with her. You have to let her know how important dressing is to you and that it is somethibng that is not going to go away, no matter how hard you try. If she can't accept it you are goinng to have to make a very hard decision, but it may be the better one in the long run. I wish you luck.

[giuseppina]

It's full and complete disclosure time, Race. As the above posters say, this has to be dealt with before marriage.

There are some threads and stickies in the Loved Ones section to help both of you understand the other's point of view.

Perhaps a qualified and licensed counsellor can help. If they have previous experience with gender issues without judging their clients, so much the better. I don't know very much about your town, but you may have to go to Windsor or London to find someone with gender experience.

Good luck, and get going. :hugs:

[Babeba]

Race,

What can I say? I would have probably been super upset over the discovery in her situation as well. I'd like to think that I'm accepting and supportive of Crystal, but a big part of that is that she decided to tell me quite early on about the femme side she had, and it built ip a lot of trust, honesty and openness. If Crystal were to tell me now, a couple years on, i would probably be hugely upset and feel very similar to your fiance. Probably part of that whole feeling inadequate isnt just about body issues but the scary thought at the back of her head that if she were better, you would have bothered to tell her earlier. Despite what some of the cross dressers are saying, from my perspective on the GG side of the fence more people break up because of other issues than the CDing itself- things like finances, like trust and openness, like a lack of communication. I think you both need to work on the communication part- like showing her that she is important by sharing what happens in your life with her, and listening to her in return. She needs to learn that it's okay to be mad but not okay to break things.

Would I be way off if I guessed that you and your fiancé are on the younger side of your 20's? Not that there's anything wrong with that at all, just that some of the posters who are freaking out over damage done are probably thinking from the perspective of their years rather than from the era of Carrie Underwood singles. It is super not good to destroy things belonging to others, but it sometimes takes time to figure out the ways of dealing with extreme anger/stress/negativity and I don't think she's had much practice?

I really hope you tell her about this site and that she joins here... It really does help us understand you as a group
And as individual people and partners.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Race,

By your other posts you have a few issues you need to resolve before you get married. By you other posts here , it appears you have a fetish, I would search for the terms fetish, marriage, lying, divorce to get some food for thought before marriage. one of your other posts mentions 'accidently' posting pictures to a website. It takes a lot of effort to 'accidently' post photos. And I agree with the others the siscors event is a serious warning flag (think Bobbit). You have some things you and your fiancee need to get counseling on before you should even think about marriage.

[Leslie Langford]

I have to agree with some of the other posters here, Race.

While you may have been the author of your own misfortune in the way you conducted yourself vis-a-vis your fiance in regards to your crossdressing, she also sounds like a narcissistic, insecure, immature, and manipulative control freak. Throwing a hissy fit is one thing - destroying someone else's property because a person lacks the filter that tells them that this is completely unacceptable behavior is a whole different matter.

Put a "Hold" on your wedding plans until you've looked at this aspect of your relationship in the cold light of day. People don't change all that much once they get to be a certain age, and if this type of behavior is typical for your fiance, you may be in for a world of hurt down the road and your crossdressing will be the least of your problems...:eek: :doh: :sad:

[Pythos]

Sorry, I just have an issue when it comes to the destruction of property. I don't think I would put up with that sort of behavior.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I agree with those who pointed out the destruction of your property is a red flag. She may have some sort of impulse control problem or other issues, and who knows how that may manifest itself later on. (She certainly doesn't respect other people's property.) I'd think very long and hard before you married this person (and certainly before making a child together.)

[Aprilrain]

Race,Would I be way off if I guessed that you and your fiancé are on the younger side of your 20's? It is super not good to destroy things belonging to others, but it sometimes takes time to figure out the ways of dealing with extreme anger/stress/negativity and I don't think she's had much practice? .

I too would assume that race and his fiancé are young. I assume this because of her childish behavior, destroying things, freaking out, crying, etc. However I would disagree that it takes into ones 20s to learn that breaking other people's stuff is not ok behavior. Most of us learn this in kindergarten! Has Carrie Underwood really made it cool to key your ex BFs car? Oh my, I must be old.

Now that she knows if you two are to have any chance at a successful relationship you need to stop lying and hiding. If I were you I wouldn't make any promises either because you will likely break them.

[Babeba]

I'm just saying, if she had never been in a situation where she had a mega huge emotional meltdown like that I can see where/why she would do something drastic and not kosher. Especially if she is surrounded by media/examples by friends or family where that is how people react to big emotional problems. I didn't say it was right, just that before all the tongue-clickers see her as some evil she-devil she may actually really regret actions done in the heat of the moment. Also, hopefully she learned that it didn't make her feel any better or make her relationship to Race any better either. It would be different if she were in her late forties. But weren't you young and unsure of how to get your emotions out of you the right way once?

Edit to add: I think it goes without saying that both Race and his fiancé need to figure out how to communicate openly and respectfully before they can have a happy and healthy relationship.

[donnalee]

When we are younger and out on our own, we look to our parents, our friends and media for clues on how to act in unexplored situations. The "John Wayne" thing is just wrong on so many levels; so is the "bitch goddess" or the "holier than thou". As you gain more experience, you learn what works, what doesn't and what is just plain hurtful and destructive and modify our behavior accordingly.
It is totally unfair to expect someone to change what is their nature, however. It is not going away, no matter what promises are made and how mightily one tries; she needs to accept that. If she cannot be persuaded to and won't attempt to educate herself, then it is pointless to continue the relationship as it will make both of you miserable.
The idea that a fact of your life is undisclosed because it would likely have a negative affect on your relationship does NOT give the other party the moral high-ground and allow them to attack you. Allowing them to vent is one thing; destroying your property is entirely another. If the relationship is to work, then they need to forgive you and make every effort to understand, and you must forgive them and do the same.
In the almost 44 years I & my SO spent together, I always respected her enough to allow her her secrets and she allowed me mine. At some point you just have to trust in the other.
Counseling may help as may her joining here. If you can't bring her around to believing in you and you her, then the relationship is doomed, I'm afraid; you'll not get past this mistrust.

[Di]

You have to sit down with her and talk, both of you need to be open and honest with each other. If she asks something and you can't answer her then please don't lie and say what you think she may want to hear, because she will find out and then things will be a lot worse.

You could see if she wants to join here and join us GGs in FAB, where she will get a lot of support and help, and also know that she is not alone.

Exactly what Sandra said...also wanted to add you need to be straight with her, explain to her and get her to understand its a part of you and get those ideas out of your head its because your forms are bigger:doh: than she is. There are alot of threads in the loved ones section to help you start there. If you decide you want her in your life you need to be truthful about it, not just say what you think she wants to hear-that never works only ends up her thinking you are lying. Best wishes.

[Alyssa Lane]

You have to sit down with her and talk, both of you need to be open and honest with each other. If she asks something and you can't answer her then please don't lie and say what you think she may want to hear, because she will find out and then things will be a lot worse.

You could see if she wants to join here and join us GGs in FAB, where she will get a lot of support and help, and also know that she is not alone.

ya i think that is the next thing, when she went, she said to me to get myself figured out and we can talk after, she has done so much in trying to understand but there are times i dont always have the answers to where she gets frustrated cause im not saying much right at that moment, ill see what i can do this weekend and go from there.


Race,

What can I say? I would have probably been super upset over the discovery in her situation as well. I'd like to think that I'm accepting and supportive of Crystal, but a big part of that is that she decided to tell me quite early on about the femme side she had, and it built ip a lot of trust, honesty and openness. If Crystal were to tell me now, a couple years on, i would probably be hugely upset and feel very similar to your fiance. Probably part of that whole feeling inadequate isnt just about body issues but the scary thought at the back of her head that if she were better, you would have bothered to tell her earlier. Despite what some of the cross dressers are saying, from my perspective on the GG side of the fence more people break up because of other issues than the CDing itself- things like finances, like trust and openness, like a lack of communication. I think you both need to work on the communication part- like showing her that she is important by sharing what happens in your life with her, and listening to her in return. She needs to learn that it's okay to be mad but not okay to break things.

I think you hit the nail right on the head there, i havent been perfectly open, its been nerves of what she always thinks about anything i do, deep down i know i can trust her, mostly because she has had no one else to talk to while im at work and she thinks about it alot while im gone.



Would I be way off if I guessed that you and your fiancé are on the younger side of your 20's? Not that there's anything wrong with that at all, just that some of the posters who are freaking out over damage done are probably thinking from the perspective of their years rather than from the era of Carrie Underwood singles. It is super not good to destroy things belonging to others, but it sometimes takes time to figure out the ways of dealing with extreme anger/stress/negativity and I don't think she's had much practice?

yes you would be correct, i am still young at 24, my SO is 21, ya the destruction was extreme anger of thinking i was leading her on that i was gay or something like that. I had reassured her is was only a fetish, nothing more. Only to add to the situation there is a 6 mos. old son of ours in the mix that she doesnt want him to see.



I really hope you tell her about this site and that she joins here... It really does help us understand you as a group
And as individual people and partners.

[Gillian Gigs]

A couple of things that I have learned. Never look better than she does. Never buy yourself something without buying for her also. Never stop showing affection, and never stop telling her that you love her. It is amazing what she will overlook if you do those listed things.

[Alyssa Lane]

A couple of things that I have learned. Never look better than she does. Never buy yourself something without buying for her also. Never stop showing affection, and never stop telling her that you love her. It is amazing what she will overlook if you do those listed things.

Wow.... i think thats exactly it, i had bought myself things and she asked me why if i liked them, why i didnt buy it for her instead cause she was willing to wear it for me, I have also heard and realized after the fact that i have done things like not giving her top priority all the time to where i get " why dont you say i love you more often, i like hearing that"