anybody elses mind get screwed up with this?

[mixi]

Hi ,
This is the first I have posted on here - but I feel that all you girls are OK with dressing up and stuff. Does it come in big waves of must do it - ie be all girlie and then vanish for weeks. I dont know what drives it in me but at times I cant see it far enough and have binned my heels only to regret it and get my very kind wife to re -kit my wardrobe?
I have been dressing since 11 years old and waited to be gay (never happened , adore women in all ways), waited to want a sex change or something (never happened, dont feel the need, enjoy being a man and father), what gives - I still need skirt and heels to be mentally OK?????? Are there any other girls out there in same boat as me??

:(

[KathrynW]

Hi, I'm new also. :)
And, No...you're not the only one who has these feelings. I can feel so girly one day and the next day, this whole thing just disgusts me. Some days I think I should just go ahead and check into a rubber room somewhere. Currently, I'm dealing with a whole lotta guilt & shame concering cd-ing. I feel like I'm not supposed to have these urges, yet I still do. I've been dealing with this for years, I guess I should have it all figured out by now, but unfortunately I don't at all. such is life...

[Phoebe Reece]

Mixi, it's a familiar tale among those that hang around on this forum. Most crossdressers are heterosexual and most of them are satisfied with doing this part time. But when they want to crossdress, better get out of their way, as they will find some way to do it. And don't think the desire to crossdress will ever just go away. It doesn't. It can be put aside forcefully, if need be, sometimes for years at a time. But the need will still be there. The best approach is to accept this as a part of who you are and find some way to integrate it into your life in a way that does not cause undue harm and conflict with the other people in your life. That's a tall order, but for many, it can be done.

[annaisexy]

I think I know why I do it, but I don't really want to get into that.
I feel guilty afterwards, like a suppose most people do, but the urge comes back.

[Genevieve G]

I felt the shame/disgust thing for years as well. There's only so much that a person can hate themselves though. Every time I looked in the mirror, I wanted to smash it. I felt that I could never be accepted for what I was, even though I'm a nice, easy-going person.

I have accepted, to some degree, that I do need to do this to be mentally okay. I've been to counselors, psychologists, etc. for this. I don't know all the reasons why I do this, but I know there are many & not too many people understand. I've tried to stop looking for the ultimate reason. Too many years have passed & I've been too miserable trying to search for answers. I guess now I'm just trying to enjoy myself & say goodbye to my hangups. ANy of that make sense?

Tina L.

[KatieZ]

Hi mixi

Welcome to the forum. As you read the various posts here you will find that your feelings are very typical to the other girls here. As you get older the guilt and shame will begin to fade and be replaced with acceptance of who you are. And A time will come that you will realize that you are one of the fortunate few. Not everyone gets to experience life from both points of view (male and female) that we are lucky enough to do.

A word of advice....Stop purging. It's expensive and you will regret not still having that pair of heels that would go so perfect with that new outfit. ;)

Hugs

[Red Kate]

I am new here. My feelings for cross dressing used to come and go, especially in my teens. I would meet a girl begin the courtship process, which meant letting my body hair grow in, and the the need to dress would wain. It never went away. I would still wear skirts occasionally, but I no longer felt I needed panties and pantyhose under my slacks all the time. I would feel relieved and decide I was normal again. Then would come the "moment" I would need to dress nearly completely and relieve my self. I fought back and forth. Once I wore not a single item of female apparel for a solid year. It was a New Year's Resolution. The next New Year's day I was at the only open department store in the area buying makeup and hosiery. My old makeup had caked up and I gained weight and could no longer fit in my pantyhose. I then decided to punish myself. I wore a tight panty girdle for two months, removing it only to bathe. I wore the highest heels I could walk in, the tightest skirts all in an effort to force myself to stop dressing up. What finally worked was meeting my wife. I explained the whole thing to her on our second date. I was stunned to discover that real women only occasionally feel all girlie. They love switching from a dress and heels to blue jeans and running shoes. Think about, do you know any women that wear skirts and heels most of the time ? My wife hits the perfect balance, occasionally, about once a week, she asks me to get all dolled up. In between its up to me. I now find, in that I work from home, that I wear skirts most days, but with out the padding, or cinching. I almost always wear earrings, and I never leave the house without some makeup.I don't own any male underwear or sleep wear. In short I pretty much dress like a girl. Now if society would accept me in a dress and heels as easily as it does my wife in jeans, a flannel shirt and hiking boots life would be perfect. Red Kate

[Deborah]

Once you learn who and what you are (a Crossdresser) you'll stop wasting all the pretty clothes too. For gawds sake put them in a box and store them somewhere if your feeling quilty. Its alot cheaper. :D

[KathrynW]

Strangely enough...
My girlfriend seems to be more accepting of my cd-ing than I am. Yes, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth. I guess most of the guilt & shame feelings go back to the way I was raised, and the fact that I was ITC (in the closet) for the better part of 40 yrs. I haven't cd-ed completely for months, but I can feel myself slowly edging back into an uncontrollable urge to be as femme as possible. Then, I know I'll have the guilt feelings back stronger than ever to deal with. ahhh well...

[Lauren_T]

The fundamental facts:

The urge comes from your inner being... and should be respected and nurtured, being liberating and life-enhancing. :thumbsup:

The guilt and shame come from your social conditioning... and should be deeply examined, then neutralised - then finally discarded, being naught but oppressive and life-obstructing. :thumbsdn:

[KathrynW]

The fundamental facts:
The urge comes from your inner being... and should be respected, being liberating and life-enhancing. :thumbsup:
I agree with you, but let's face it, it's *not* considered normal and isn't socially acceptable. Not where I live anyway...

The guilt and shame come from your social conditioning... and should be deeply examined, then neutralised - then finally discarded, being naught but oppressive and life-obstructing. :thumbsdn:
I couldn't agree more. Yet, somehow I personally find it impossible to get past the shame & guilt. Yes, I can find brief periods of "coming to terms" with my cd-ing but the bad feelings always return.

[Andrea's Lynne]

Mixi

I completely understand where you're coming from. I struggle with the very same issues on a regular basis.

I wish I could offer you the "magic cure" to feeling better. But please understand, you are not alone in this world. This forum is a wonderful resource for finding understanding and acceptance.

Love,

Lynne

[Lauren_T]

I agree with you, but let's face it, it's *not* considered normal and isn't socially acceptable. Not where I live anyway...
I advocate quite strongly that all nonconformists - not just we gender-variant types - who live in a repressive social milieu, should do everything in their power to move to a place where they will be accepted, and where they can get on with the business of being themselves, and living their own lives - not ones dictated to them by others! I personally live in a socially, intellectually and culturally backwards city (Houston), and I am, as soon as humanly possible, departing for a place (actually more than one, but must take them one at a time) where 'live and let live' is more than just words, in my instance, Vancouver, BC.

Bottom line, if oppression prevents you from being who you are, you'll have to (a) be someone else, or (b) go somewhere else. If you do neither, you will continue to be unhappy and unfulfilled.


...
Yet, somehow I personally find it impossible to get past the shame & guilt. Yes, I can find brief periods of "coming to terms" with my cd-ing but the bad feelings always return.
I am not generally an advocate of traditional one-on-one Freudian psychoanalysis, but it can, within its limitations and errors, be quite useful for unearthing the root causes of such dysfunctional emotions and identifying them - which is the necessary first step in eliminating them... And for that reason, I would - personally speaking - highly recommend same. Of course, one should always take however much time is needed to find the right analyst, who has a track record of being empathetic toward and helpful to gender-variant patients.

Addressing and purging those highly damaging feelings should be a high priority, so you can get on with living...

[oztallulah]

You are not alone. I am, and always will be, a male to a woman. However,, maybe a few too many hormones have made some difference. I seem to have a lot more 'sensitivity' and 'understanding' than many other males role models. I am also lucky because in later life I have found a wonderful woman who helps me, and also enjoys all aspects of me being femme. Why it took me so long to get to this point I just do not know. Denial, worry, you name it, it has been through my mind. I have been psyched as 'wierd' and 'stupid' by general practising analysts, and am not at all interested in going further with that track. I love what I do, am happy with it, and comfortable. I am not strange, but rather many others are by not trying to see past the social incapacities of their minds.

Hugs Andrea

[TGMarla]

Hi ,
This is the first I have posted on here - but I feel that all you girls are OK with dressing up and stuff. Does it come in big waves of must do it - ie be all girlie and then vanish for weeks. I dont know what drives it in me but at times I cant see it far enough and have binned my heels only to regret it and get my very kind wife to re -kit my wardrobe?
I have been dressing since 11 years old and waited to be gay (never happened , adore women in all ways), waited to want a sex change or something (never happened, dont feel the need, enjoy being a man and father), what gives - I still need skirt and heels to be mentally OK?????? Are there any other girls out there in same boat as me??

:(

Yup. I still have times when I'm not feeling much like dressing up, but given the opportunity, I still want to almost any chance I get. I went through all the usual ideosyncracies like what you describe, but now I'm comfortable just being me...err....us....whatever you want to call it. The last time I purged was nearly 20 years ago, so I agree with Amy on that one. It's cheaper to store than to purge any day. As for the "guilt" thing, I'm long over that. I used to ask, "Why am I emasculating myself all the time?" The answer is simple, though. I am male on the outside, but both genders on the inside, and I'm just giving the girl in me some face time, that's all. And a skirt, or dress, and heels makes me feel good. There's nothing wrong with that. I know that it's socially unacceptable in our society, but I reason it this way: I'm a very good, decent, caring, giving person. If you're going to overlook that and shower me with disdain simply because I enjoy presenting as a woman, then the problem is with you, not me. That said, I'm also not stupid enough to push the envelope too far in front of others.

[Rachel Morley]

I still need skirt and heels to be mentally OK?????? Are there any other girls out there in same boat as me??

Hi Mixi,

Sounds like you and me came out of the same box. I'm also hetero and adore women. Also, I'm not interested in going down the transitioning route, I just wanna spend time dressing as a woman when ever I feel like it (which is often).

Do I need to wear a skirt and heels to feel mentally ok? Honestly?....I think I'd go stir crazy if I couldn't dress!

[KathrynW]

I'm just giving the girl in me some face time, that's all. And a skirt, or dress, and heels makes me feel good. There's nothing wrong with that. I know that it's socially unacceptable in our society, but I reason it this way: I'm a very good, decent, caring, giving person. If you're going to overlook that and shower me with disdain simply because I enjoy presenting as a woman, then the problem is with you, not me.
Marla,
These are good points you bring up. I wish I could reach this type of acceptance and positive attitude about my femme self. I know it sounds crazy, but it's almost like it's impossible for me to give myself permission to be ok with this. Trust me, I have tried to be ok with this for a very long time.

[kimmy p]

Hi Mixi. I enjoy girly things. I hate the limits that being male try to force on me. I enjoy pretty frilly things. I also love football and full contact sports. I am at heart male and female in one. Does this make me crazy or insane? NO. It makes me a very well rounded person who is at heart a mixed sex. It makes me a better person. I can see multiple sides of many issues and not get stuck in some gender stereotype. I do not wish to alter my body. I do not wish to date men. But if I want to wear a corset and high heeled boots then I'm going to. If this helps you I'm glad. If not then please ignore me.

Kimmy P.

[Khriss]

..imprinted social stigmas..guilt..anxiety..fears..
cured by "acceptance" !!
glad to meet Ya..mixi
Welcome to the site! and ( purging is futile!!!!) frommyexperience..."K"

[jennifer easton]

Hey! Mixi
The girls here have said it all,you on the other hand have lived my life,Ive just started counsiling,my girlfriend has just found out,and I am at the age of 55 finaly comeing to terms with my self, Jennifer has been with me for 49 years, the shame,the guilt all something I can relate to, but theres good news I've just saved money by swiching to geco, had to throw that in there hehe any way the girls here all are great, stay awhile kick your heels off and enjoy
xoxoJennifer

[jennifer easton]

khriss you have my old line on your post,thats cool I didn't know any body knew it, I say it this way, no matter where you go your always there!your way sounds good to!
xoxo Jennifer

[tari]

Boy, did you come to the right place Mixi. You will hear so many stories you can relate to. Sit back and read awhile. You will find you are among friends. Welcome,......tari

[Sweet Susan]

Mixi,
You sound pretty normal to me. Especially for a crossdresser.

[Sarahgurl371]

I think you are all OK! I believe if we knew what was going on in everbody elses minds, maybe we would be the "normal" ones. At least we can admit how we feel. This world is so intent on indentifying anyone who is different, so we can all feel better about are own differences. Its kinda like high school all over again. I find it intreging that the older people here seem to find a way to accpet themselves, while thats great, I think its a shame that we have to live our whole lives feeling bad about who we are because we think that if others knew, we would be the skinny kid who can't throw a ball, or catch one either in gym class all over again, Then when we graduate we grow a little and realize that it just really didn't matter, did it?

Life is a test, a challenge. I think we should learn as we grow older. I think from reading that the older CDs here have found a way to accept themselves, is proof that it works that way. I just don't wanna wait till I'm old to feel that way about myself. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all just focused on issues that really matter? You know, the human conditions that so many unfortunate people face. I guess I am now not only a crossdresser but a Liberal as well, great! the way this country is going, I will surely be ostracized from society!

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Welcome Mixi! As others have said, it sounds like you're going through the sorts of things all of us go through. There are plenty of us who are hetro and happy to be "part-time" girls and whose desire to dress comes and goes in intensity. I'll be the first to admit it's "different" but it's not abnormal and lots of people off-beat interests of one sort or another.

[KathrynW]

I'll be the first to admit it's "different" but it's not abnormal and lots of people off-beat interests of one sort or another.

It's not abnormal? :confused: Just curious, what do you base that thought on? What would be your definition of normal? Men wearing womens' clothes? If that was the case, I don't think I'd be dealing with these shame & guilt issues. just my opinion... ;)

[Deborah]

I don't think I'd be dealing with these shame & guilt issues. just my opinion... ;)

Once you accept who you are it isn't as big a deal. Tell me about your shame and quilt a few months from now and i bet you change your tune.

[KathrynW]

Once you accept who you are it isn't as big a deal. Tell me about your shame and quilt a few months from now and i bet you change your tune.
You all make it sound so easy....just "accept yourself"
It makes me feel like I must be a mental defective or something because I'm not "getting it". Yes, I'll be the first to admit I have yet to reach the "self acceptance" stage. What makes this so strange is the fact that I'm 51 and have been cd-ing on & off since I was about 10. yeah...figure that one out...
I don't feel "normal" and I don't feel it's "ok" to be a cd. yeah...I know I'm probably one of the very few here who speak up and say this. sorry if it sounds confusing, but I'm just being honest.

[gennee]

I have gone through it. At first, I thought I was weird or bisexual. I accepted the fact that I like to crossdress. Purging is out of the question because I know I would go back. I don't feel any guilt or shame, perhaps because I started CDing late. My advice is just admit it's a part of your life and enjoy it.

Gennee:)

[Deborah]

I don't feel "normal" and I don't feel it's "ok" to be a cd. yeah...I know I'm probably one of the very few here who speak up and say this. sorry if it sounds confusing, but I'm just being honest.

Ok well each of us is different. After finding this site and talking with the other girls asking questions etc i found it easier to accept who i am. Before then i was on my own and clueless. I accept who i am now and personally I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of me. Maybe after you've been here awhile you might get as lucky. ;)

[Lauren_T]

You all make it sound so easy....just "accept yourself"
It makes me feel like I must be a mental defective or something because I'm not "getting it". Yes, I'll be the first to admit I have yet to reach the "self acceptance" stage. What makes this so strange is the fact that I'm 51 and have been cd-ing on & off since I was about 10. yeah...figure that one out...
I don't feel "normal" and I don't feel it's "ok" to be a cd. yeah...I know I'm probably one of the very few here who speak up and say this. sorry if it sounds confusing, but I'm just being honest. We make it sound that easy 'coz it is that easy...

I'm also 51, and I only realised my gender identity less than a year-and-a-half ago. Yet in that time, I've managed to go from being a totally introverted hermit, paralysed by constant worry about 'what other people think,' to gender-ambiguous, with little fear of other people's opinions.

Where your hangup lies is clearly with this word "normal."

Exactly who are you allowing to define "normal" for you - instead of you yourself? What exactly do you mean by "normal," anyway?

"Normal" is a statistical generalisation, like "average." The "average" American family has 2.2 children. Do you know anyone who has 0.2 of a child? Of course not; it's either 2 or 3. Therefore, the "average family" doesn't exist; it's just a convenient fiction.

"Normal," in the sense that it is commonly, properly used, means nothing more than being like statistically prevalent portion of the population, i.e., the majority. It doesn't imply any value judgement, since, as we all know, or should know, the fact that a smaller number of people do something doesn't make that thing wrong.

It is "normal" in America to be white, or to be an adult, since those describe the majority. It does not follow, logically, that being black, or being a child is "abnormal." Likewise most middle-class American men do not regularly wear clothing more commonly worn by members of the female gender. Therefore, you're right - crossdressing is not "normal" - but only in the sense that the majority do not do it.

The sense that you are using "normal" in is different. You seem to use the simple (and also incorrect) equation
normal = morally good,
along with it's corollary,
not normal = not morally good.

"Good" and "not good" are value judgements. Those values have to come from somewhere. Your religion, your parents, your neighbours... all of those offer judgements. But you are the one who decides whether to accept them or not. No one is forcing you to subscribe to a system of values that conflicts directly with your sense of who and what you are.

So you are saying crossdressing is "not good." We could possibly make some headway if you'd tell us from what authority do you accept the value judgement that crossdressing is "not morally good."

And how, exactly, is it "not morally good"? The answers to those questions will reveal the source of your feelings of guilt and shame. Then you can decide if they're true for you or not. :)

[Deborah]

Geezus Lauren.
Sounds like i'm back in my critical thinking class (college level) from last quarter lol.
Very good points though and KatherynW i hope you understand what we're trying to say here.

[KathrynW]

We make it sound that easy 'coz it is that easy...

"Good" and "not good" are value judgements. Those values have to come from somewhere. Your religion, your parents, your neighbours... all of those offer judgements. But you are the one who decides whether to accept them or not. No one is forcing you to subscribe to a system of values that conflicts directly with your sense of who and what you are.

So you are saying crossdressing is "not good." We could possibly make some headway if you'd tell us from what authority do you accept the value judgement that crossdressing is "not morally good."

And how, exactly, is it "not morally good"? The answers to those questions will reveal the source of your feelings of guilt and shame. Then you can decide if they're true for you or not.

Lauren-
Maybe the correct way to phrase that, would be it's "easier for some than others". My personal experience is that it’s not been easy at all for me to arrive at any permanent self-acceptance.
A prison of my own design? Yes, probably so...
More judgmental/critical of myself than anyone else would be? Yes, probably so...
I understand all of this...I simply can't get past the guilt/shame/condemnation, in my own head.
I admit that the factors which make cd-ing "not good" "not normal" in my mind...most likely do come from the way I was raised, the part of the country I live in, spiritual beliefs, etc. I've also dealt with a lot of depression in my life, which doesn't help this situation. I still deal with it often, and struggle almost on a daily basis to NOT slip into a negative frame of mind. Yes, I do take meds, which I'm probably addicted to, but I guess that's another thread entirely. There are days when I feel the meds don't help that much.
I’m not a religious fanatic at all. I know about Deut. 22:5 in the Bible, and I don't feel obligated to adhere to any of that baloney. But, there is still the feeling in my mind that cd-ing is detrimental/not morally good, and something I shouldn’t be doing.
So, it’s a catch-22 thing...there’s a part of me that needs to express my feminine side, yet there’s another part of me that finds doing that to be totally repulsive. Anxiety? mental distress?
yeah...been there - done that...

[Lauren_T]

Lauren-
Maybe the correct way to phrase that, would be it's "easier for some than others". My personal experience is that it’s not been easy at all for me to arrive at any permanent self-acceptance.
A prison of my own design? Yes, probably so...
More judgmental/critical of myself than anyone else would be? Yes, probably so...
I understand all of this...I simply can't get past the guilt/shame/condemnation, in my own head.
I admit that the factors which make cd-ing "not good" "not normal" in my mind...most likely do come from the way I was raised, the part of the country I live in, spiritual beliefs, etc. I've also dealt with a lot of depression in my life, which doesn't help this situation. I still deal with it often, and struggle almost on a daily basis to NOT slip into a negative frame of mind. Yes, I do take meds, which I'm probably addicted to, but I guess that's another thread entirely. There are days when I feel the meds don't help that much.
I’m not a religious fanatic at all. I know about Deut. 22:5 in the Bible, and I don't feel obligated to adhere to any of that baloney. But, there is still the feeling in my mind that cd-ing is detrimental/not morally good, and something I shouldn’t be doing.
So, it’s a catch-22 thing...there’s a part of me that needs to express my feminine side, yet there’s another part of me that finds doing that to be totally repulsive. Anxiety? mental distress?
yeah...been there - done that...OK.
Now I have a better handle on where you're at... Let me, by way of venting a bit, share with you..

I fully empathise with a goodly portion of your feelings. My own life has been ruled by guilt. I would feel intensely guilty, ashamed, unworthy - for things that anyone and everyone else regarded as utterly trivial little missteps. So I became anhedonic - that is, I couldn't enjoy anything. So I've never really done anything for myself - for me - without being crippled by believing I was somehow inconveniencing or offending or depriving someone else. I can thank me sainted ma for that. She was a classic case of playing the 'martyr card,' to get your way. She had my four elder sisters and my brother to practice on, so by the time I came along she was an expert at passively dictating my life by cynically using my need to not hurt anyone to pull my strings.

Likewise - and not surprisingly, since it usually comes as a package deal - I have been afflicted with major depressive episodes, plus dysthymia - what used to be called 'melancholy.' My normal state of mind was bleak, and when any significant stressor was added, I would plummet to the very depths.

These factors - in addition to being pathologically shy (to the point that I quit high school the day I turned 16 because of my overwhelming self-conciousness) - have prevented me from living what most people would regard as a normal life. I've never been married. I've never owned a house, or even a new car. I have no offspring. I have been homeless, for years at a time. I've almost always been underemployed - that is, my self-conciousness and guilt, and the self-doubt that go along with them, makes it impossible for me to obtain employment at any job that jibes with my knowledge and abilities. And being a nonconformist hippie / nerd combination makes for rejection by both straights and freaks - counterculturalists reject my scientific, intellectual bent, while Establishment types prefer to see me as a rebel and an irresponsible troublemaker who won't conform - being too Goddamned stupid to realise that I am not different by choice!

That bit of True Confessions there also serves to show that I am not coming at this in a detached way - I too have that T-shirt!


I can't - and won't tell you what to do to resolve these issues of yours. What I will do is tell you what worked and continues to work for me.

By nature, I am, as I mentioned, neither fish nor fowl. Not hippie nor nerd - both. Not logic-driven nor emotion-driven - both. Not male nor female - both. My sort of life is neither a curse nor a blessing - it's... wait for it...! - both! :p

Because of my dual nature, on all levels, I was naturally drawn to computer science, since the fundament is the 0/1 duality; and also to the ancient philosophy of the Tao, since it's fundament is the yin/yang duality. The most ancient spiritual philosophy has an exact counterpart in the most sophisticated creation of Man. Coincidence? Doubtful. :)

And in the course of my studies I found a valid, highly effective alternative to the primitive witch-doctorism of Freudian analysis, one developed by the great Ellis.

REBT - Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_Emotive_Behavior_Therapy#REBT_Therapy), in an criminally oversimplified nutshell, is about simply respecting and nurturing both the logical mind and the emotional one. Each is necessary to a complete and fulfilling life. One only needs to learn when each one is appropriate to use instead of the other. Some life issues cannot be resolved by what one "feels" is right; in those cases, cold-blooded "Spocklike" logic is mandatory. OTOH, logic can show you the correct path through life, but that path is irrelevant and futile if one cannot emotionally connect with it, and receive emotional fulfillment from it.

Practitioners of RET are few and far between, since it doesn't buy them many Lexuses. And for that reason alone, they tend to be sincerely involved with actually helping people. Unlike traditional analysis, it's about equipping you with the tools needed to fix life's problems, showing you how to use them, and putting you in control of your life. I doesn't drag on, nothing really resolved, week after week, year after year - at $100 - $1000 or more a week!

I would strongly suggest and recommend that you - or anyone else here with issues - look into it and, of course, satisfy yourself that it is not endless, financially crippling voodoo but a means of exorcising your inner demons. It's not instantaneous, and it requires effort. But it's the only therapy that I have found to be credible and effective.

I am now no longer controlled by guilt or shame. I am now no longer an introvert. I am now no longer depressed. I have occasions, due to a combination of circumstances and brain chemistry, when those dysfunctional feelings threaten to return, but they continuously become fewer and weaker.

I will now doff my 'evangelist' robe and don my familiar, comfortable 'PITA' cloak... ;)

[Francine]

Yes, I know I feel that way.
Right now they seemed to put a new "label" on it. A "gender identity disorder"!
Man, how I hate labels!

But the truth is, that's just what may be going on in my life. My marriage is "rocky" at best, even though it has lasted 30 years..but 31?

I feel that has led to an increase in crossdressing, and trying to venture out, to feel comfortable with myself, as a woman in public. This has led to new situtations for me. MEN.

I never thought as myself as gay, but then, when I come in here, and few other transgender groups, I don't think of myself as a man. Here, I am Francine. I leave "him" at the door.

And this group, this forum seem to be helping me more, accept who I am, and what I want to be, even knowing it will be difficult, if that is the avenue I will eventually choose.
There seems to be alot going on, and alot to think about.

and thank you all for your support.

[KathrynW]

My own life has been ruled by guilt. I would feel intensely guilty, ashamed, unworthy - for things that anyone and everyone else regarded as utterly trivial little missteps.
Lauren-
Bingo...I can TOTALLY relate to the unworthy part. I've had self esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t “good enough” “smart enough”.


So I became anhedonic - that is, I couldn't enjoy anything. So I've never really done anything for myself - for me - without being crippled by believing I was somehow inconveniencing or offending or depriving someone else. I can thank me sainted ma for that. She was a classic case of playing the 'martyr card,' to get your way.

Wow...this is hitting WAY too close to home for me...

Some deep stuff...but it sure does give me some food for thought...

[NylonMan]

Hi KathrynW, I can relate to everything you have said. I have gone through everything, even the "purging".

With me, my anxiety level keeps gong up and up until I dress. This relaxes me for the time being. I have peiods of major depression, where I dress even more and feel sorry for myself, during this time I usually get right into it by shaving my legs and going out in public even though I don't pass.

I have found that if I don't dress, the anxiety level rises, and when I do dress, the rush is so great that I want that same rush again, so my desire is even greater then the last time.

NylonMan

[emmicd]

Dressing is a way of expressing your inner self. Respect loved ones and be true to yourself as well even if it is in private.

emmi

[gina13]

hi mixi,
what the sisters said-and embrace the gift of your feminine side. experiencing life with the perspective of both sexes is closer to the nature of the life force anyway right?
please dont suppress your self. revel in it we are all blessed and once you embrace the reality of who you are and learn to love yourself you will be free.
the guilt and shame will pass. and omg isnt it great to be a girl sometimes!
i would'nt want to change who i am ever. soft sheer comfy energy 4 u sweetie. love yourself!

[KathrynW]

i would'nt want to change who i am ever. soft sheer comfy energy 4 u sweetie. love yourself!!

ahhh...and there the difference lies...
I would give up my desire to cd in a heartbeat if I had the chance. No question about it...

[Sweet Susan]

Kathrynn says, "ahhh...and there the difference lies...
I would give up my desire to cd in a heartbeat if I had the chance. No question about it..."

How hard have you tried?

[KathrynW]

Kathrynn says, "ahhh...and there the difference lies...
I would give up my desire to cd in a heartbeat if I had the chance. No question about it..."

How hard have you tried?
To give it up you mean? Oh, I've given it up for many months at a time. Purged many many times, but not in the last 10 years or so. But always end up coming back. It's kinda like the mafia you know...."you're in for life". :confused: But...if there was a way to change whatever information is wired into the hard drive in my head that makes me want to do this...yes, I'd change it in 2 seconds flat.
You see...I know myself well enough to know that if I allowed myself to embrace my femme side 100%, I could definitely take things to excess very easily. The "slippery slope syndrome" or whatever other term you choose to describe it. and, I'm not passable and too over-the-hill to go there. ;)

[darynn_NWPA]

Some people have issues with diabetes or cancer, some are addicted to chocolate, alcohol, drugs, sex, some are bi-polar but I'm just a CD.

Some peole hate Jews, African Americans, women, gays, Democrats, Reublicans, liberal, conservatives or religious people. Why should I be shocked that people hate CD's ?

I used to live in fear, shame, and guilt, now I'm just be careful when and how I dress as Darynn.

People are going to be what they want to be, I'm not going to purge again just to satisfy such a fickle group of people. I have no desire to flame just to prove my point, I'm just going to enjoy the days I have left and keep reading this forum instead of watching CNN. There are more sane paople here than I see in the evening news.

Darynn_NWPA

[nina51]

have fun feel good and quit worry think.

[kwebb]

KathrynW, I read your posts and thought I had written them. Sooooo many of the same exact thoughts about guilt and self-acceptance. If its so easy, why has it been so elusive to me. I am 40, been doing this on and off since I can remember, about 4 or 5 years old. Hate labels, just want to be me.

The truly strange part about it is, it hasn't always been this way. I had my share of issues with it but, for the most part, when I was younger in college during the 80s, there was no guilt. Almost no shame. At least I did not spend countelss hours fretting over it like I do now. I don't know if it was a matter of fully realizing what it meant, what repurcussions it could cause. It seems the older I get the more unaccpeting of it I become. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I think society has changed alot since then in a short time. The Jerry Springer's , right wing fundamentalists and such are influencing this hatred of all things gay-looking. We can say what we want but most folks think you are gay if you do this and to them anything that smacks of gay=evil, its all the same.

There was a time when talk shows like Sally, Donahue and Geraldo actually did INTELLIGENT programs on the subject. Nowadays that had gone completely out the window. Its almost always ridiculed. Maybe the upcoming crop of gender-bending flicks (Transamerica, Breakfast on Pluto) may help the pendulum to swing back into an area of really trying to understand the truths of the behaviour. Maybe not.

My wife accepts it more than I do. She wonders how many of us who actually claim self-acceptance and no-guilt are really living COMPLETELY guilt free, and I ask y'all honestly, who are you?

Who can say here that there is never a time when you don't question the appropriateness of this behaviour, ever?

If you are that person, how in the world did you get to the point where you are? Because as much as I try and tell myself I have made peace with this, my mental state of depression, sadness and shame speak otherwise. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, nobody likes this, I would be an embarrassment to both family and friends.

We are all different, some stronger and more secure in ourselves than others, maybe that is the difference. Maybe some have just been able to shift their paradigms, if you change the way you look at som'n, what you are looking at , changes.

[anna louis]

yes loads yuv just got get one with it and live happy only one chance at this cross life

[Sarahgurl371]

Kwebb,
Just read your post, thinking about self acceptance.....

I have recently made the DECISION to accept who I am, Love myself, and increase my self esteem and say "I am worth it". I know that may sound alittle corny, but I have yet to figure out another way to get there. My story is long, and its posted here and there if you want to read it. Unaccpeting wife, no kids, all the usual self loathing, and guilt etc.

I started down this road wanting to know why I was unhappy in life. I should be happy, I have a good life if you compare what I have going for me. That stuff didn't matter, The only thing I could identify was I myself was making myself unhappy. It is not up to others to make me happy and content. it is up to me. There are many posts here on this thread talking about just choosing to accept yourself. I think it may really be that simple. This after 20 or so years of dealing with this stuff to no resolution. Something had to change, maybe I had to change? You see, for me, I thought that if society changed and became accepting of people like me, then I could accept myself. My self acceptance was contingent upon others acceptance of me. I thought so much of what others think of me, that I was beating myself into a corner with what I thought were thier opinions. So while I was bitching abut other people having preconceived notions about me and others like me, I had preconceived notions all my own. I was guilty of what I blamed them of. So in the end, I had to change first. Maybe now, I can find some peace and happiness. Maybe once I am happy and confident, and others find out about me, they will have less difficulty in accepting me for who I am, not just what I like to do.

If I am unhappy, and I believe that it is up to each of us to make OURSELVES happy, and the only person I can change is me, I decided I need to change ME. Now this did not happen over night, and this change is still taking place. This forum has helped tremendously. I do not want to live like this anymore, all the guilt, shame, etc. I know that I couldn't just never do it again, besides, I could physically quit dressing, but know that the mental and emtional aspect of me would still be thinking of it and desiring it, so did I really quit? The only thing I could find to fix was my own self opinion.
I am choosing to do that. It still is not easy. I have periods where I could really care less about what others think of me, and periods where I say to myself yeah right. I have periods when I know that I am OK and deserve happiness, and love just the way I am. Then I have days were some doubt creeps back in.

I do not think that it is as simple as just choosing to accept yourself. Life is complicated and each decision we make will affect something else in life. I do however think that the road to happiness does really start with a simple choice. I have made it. I hope it works for me.

As far as questioning my own behavior, I think that if all people occasionally questioned themselves, the would would be a better place. Sometimes we all start to ignore that little voice in our heads, when maybe that voice is providing the right questions, questions that we should spend time debating. Maybe instead of being afraid of the questions, and the answers we might have, we should trust in them, maybe the little voice knows something we do not and the questions are the road to understanding.

Just my 2 cents.

[KathrynW]

My wife accepts it more than I do. She wonders how many of us who actually claim self-acceptance and no-guilt are really living COMPLETELY guilt free, and I ask y'all honestly, who are you?
kwebb~
My GF is also far more accepting than I am. If anyone can completely figure that one out...get back to me... ;) I also wonder how many are really, truly, guilt free. How many with even half a brain can TRULY say to themselves "I don't care what ANYONE else thinks" ?
Because as much as I try and tell myself I have made peace with this, my mental state of depression, sadness and shame speak otherwise. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, nobody likes this, I would be an embarrassment to both family and friends.
Wow...I can sooooo relate to those feelings...


There are many posts here on this thread talking about just choosing to accept yourself. I think it may really be that simple. This after 20 or so years of dealing with this stuff to no resolution. Something had to change, maybe I had to change?
Tammy~Well, this is a good point, but there are so many variables involved here with different people, different lives, different circumstances. I just can't see that it's this simple.

Sometimes we all start to ignore that little voice in our heads, when maybe that voice is providing the right questions, questions that we should spend time debating. Maybe instead of being afraid of the questions, and the answers we might have, we should trust in them, maybe the little voice knows something we do not and the questions are the road to understanding.
Regarding the "little voice"....just who do you think that is? God maybe?
Don't get me wrong here, I think I know exactly what you're saying here.;)

[Dana]

Excellent posts by all! Simply outstanding!

But, the interesting thing about this thread is that "if" we were all GG, and were discussing preferring and enjoying those things in life, to include interests, clothes, hobbies, etc. ad nausem to infinity ~ society would accept us ~ and call us Tomboys! :)

It interesting that on the one hand, Western Judeo~Chriistian Society accepts the concept of "Tomboys" but cannot accept the male version? Which is quinesstionally what a Male heterosexual crossdresser is! Just that plain and just that simple!

From a strict statistical analysis point of view ~ if there is such a group of women that are "Tomboys" it stands to reason that you will find a a percentage of otherwise normal heterosexual men who are the exact oppossite of your average "tomboy" woman!

To whit! Quit betting yourself up over it, and don't spend half your life accepting it!

I to, live in the Deep South ~the Red of the Redist States. You know what? I'm not totally accepted as I am in male mode! Not because I'm a crossdresser ~ ( only ONE GG girl knows) but because I've been gone away for so long ~ traveling and living all over the world. I cam back home after all these years, and moved to a town about 20 miles from my hometown. Here you can live your whole entire life, and if your not born, raised, and lived here all of your life ~ you will never be accepted into the social fabric! NEVER!

People around here think I'm a little odd and weird anyway ~ and to be honest are a little scared and intimdated by me. Why? In large part because I'm retired elite military ~ and when in male mode ~ I still walk around with that look on my face. They can't figure me out ~ I'm not what they're accustomed to. Even in male mode ~ I'm the square peg that doesn't fit into their round hole. Another part is because I keep and work werid hours. And come and go at different parts of the day. Another part is because I keep to myself for the most part. I go to work and I come home! Another part is because I've got a higher tolerance for BS, and then again I don't.

The few people that I've really let get to know me ~ are infatuated with me! They know that I'm very loving, caring, sharing, giving, to a fault! That I'm funny, fun to be with with, and to be around. The life of the party if you would.

But because of my experiences with people ~ and because of my my carrer in the military ~ if you were to meet me on the street in male mode ~ the thought that the look on my face ~ might mean I was about to rip your face off. Its just the look that I've acquire from having worked day to day in the military. (I'm working on it! I'm working on it! ~ I FORCE myself to smile, and wave, and be friendly!)

I think that there are a couple of things that we all need to work on, come to terms with, and accept. The first is ourselves, and the fact that we're crossdressers ~ always have been ~ and always will be!

If you think you're going to get with a GG, and that its all going to go away ~ then you're fooling no-one but yourself! Just that plain and just that simple! Its only a question of time before her lingere drawer, her closet, her makeup is going to be calling you!

With that said, accept it, and deal with ~ such is life!

I don't have any problems with being devoutely religious ~ but in my honest opinion ~ some of most judgemetal, biased, hypocritical people you're ever going to meet are the very people that profess to be "true ____________(fill in the blank).

I bring this up, because, that's where a lot of this guilt thing comes from.
Crossdressing is a sin, when time and time and time again some of the most learned scholars of the Holy Bible, the Koran, etc. have said over and over that the part of the Bible about men not wearing women's clothes has more to do with worshiping femininie deities than is does about sex.

Personally, finding this sight has done wonders for me mentally, pyschologically, emotionally, spiritually, .................in short its been a shot in the arm. I've learned! I've grown!

The first thing that you need to get around your head ~ is outside of your wife, your GF, your SO, anyone has a problem with your dressing in women's clothes, jewelry, makeup, what have you ~ its THEIR problem! If they've got a problem with it? Then that's what it is! Their PROBLEM! Not yours!

After that when it comes to being involved with a GG, you need to be upfront, and straight up with them~! This is who and what I am! Either you can accept it or you can't! If not then I won't waste your time nor mine!

Me? I've personally have come to the point to where I've come to the conclusion that its entirely possible that I will be single and alone for the rest of my life ~ and will NEVER re-marry, and will never find a GG that can nor will be able to accept me in my totality of who and what I am.

You know what? I'm ok with that! After 12 years of marriage ~ of this sneaking and hiding stuff. Denying. After 7 years with another GG, and being made to feel like a lower life form ~ I'd soon as be ME, than to go through all of that again!

I'm not into guys, men! I'm just not! And, I think all of this would be easier if I was gay or bi! Thing is that guys that ARE gay or bi, have just as much problem with it, as do GG? Go figure?

And I can see and understand the your typical GG persepective. They're into guys, not girls, women, nor guys dressed up and made up like girls.

In closing, Me? I don't have all the answers to all of the questions, nor all the solutions to all the problems! That's why I come here! We're all looking! We're all searching!

Go with peace, go with God!

Merry Christmas!

[StephanieH]

Wow! This is a great thread! In reply to the initial question, I think we're all a little confused and every one of us is looking for answers. I think you will find that most of us have felt a strong desire to do this from an early age, (fourth grade for me personally) so I don't think it initially stems from a sexual desire; certainly for many of us it evolves in that direction. I think most of us are straight, a surprising number of us are married, and I think, for what it's worth, that CD'ers may just have a few more female hormones than most guys. Maybe it's an XY chromosone thing? I don't know, but I do know that while I'm cross dressed relatively little in real life, I think about it quite a bit and thoroughly enjoy the times I get to indulge myself. Looking at the bios on this board is quite eye-opening, as it looks as though most of us have very similar interests aside from the obvious, many of us are in the same age group. In short, don't worry about it too much, enjoy it, go with it, and just see where it takes you. Provided you don't lose control of who you really are, I don't see any harm in stepping out of your real life for a while. Everybody needs a little escape from reality; if that wasn't the case, Disneyworld wouldn't be such a big deal! Keep it light and you'll be alright! :p
Randi

[Fiorano Ferrari]

Interested to read your thread. I am now on my third wife. having purged at least three times already. My second wife was helpful with dressing but it became too much when i went through the wanting a sex change phase and even took hormones for about a year and a half. Have not dressed for over four years now but the feelings have returned now. My current wife is aware of my feelings and was aware of my history before we married. So will now have to start from scratch. I also had moments thinking i was gay, but i really like women.
Good Luck and hope all goes well for you.

[TeriAnn]

i must say after reading all the posts I am more enlightened than ever . Every one has a point and I think it is great that we all have so much in common. I to have feel the need to crossdress since I was very young , my frist time of feeling like a pretty girl was when I put on my moms high heels she has a picture of me wearing them. She let me do this for a year or so. My dad told her that I had to stop because I was a boy not a girl. That put me in the closet for a long long time. Now I have my own collections of clothes and heels and my wife is totally supportive of my crossdressing. Again I say to all xdressers lets have a blast and don't worry so much about what others think.:)

[BrendaChristine]

I go some weeks where I dress every day, then some where it's none..or just some token with my male attire...it depends

[Charlene Marie]

Phoebe, that was wonderfully written and very acurate.
Thank You,

Charlene Marie