Coming out to parents

[Julie Hall]

I wanted to ask the forum to share their experiences of coming out to their parents.

Earlier this evening I finally said something to my mother. I have only recently accepted this part of me and didn't know what to expect. My mother recently turned 80 and has been my confidant for all my secrets, desires and decisions. I have always valued her opinion above all others.

I still had severe reservations, she has a tendency to blame herself for all the problems in the world - I even think she's responsible for the Kennedy assassination. She was the one on that grassy knoll! lol

I was very pleasantly surprised. She took a moment and told me, "IF it makes you happy, I'm for it!" I was so relieved, it was like a giant weight off of me. She said she would help me if I needed any advice. Before I ended our conversation I told her maybe you'll end up with the girl you always wanted.

I just wanted to share and see if there are any other parent stories.

[Maria in heels]

I hope that you gave her a BIG HUG because even though we think that moms always support us, you can see clearly that your mom actually and truly does!

[Christinedreamer]

I have attempted to have this conversation with my Mom on more than one occasion. My dad discovered it several years ago when I was a teen. He wasn't real upset until Mom was around. Then he acted more upset than he really was. Every time I tried to talk to my mom she would find a way to change the subject or deflect me with the catch-all comment that "there must be something in the water" and then get up to go to the kitchen or something else.

The last face to face we had sitting on the porch I tried again and went into detail about the Halloween night when I went out in the outfit in my avatar. I tried to explain that I was on a "petticoat high" for 3 days afterward and to me it felt like a drug. The funny thing is that I have always liked clothes and peignoirs that were MUCH more femme and frilly than anything my mother or sisters ever wore. She has never seen me fully dressed and I think that makes it even more difficult for her to imagine.

She has found numerous stashes of mine including some gorgeous peignoir sets (my all time fave outfit) and each time I have tried to explain/discuss to no avail.

A few years ago I was quite depressed about a lot of things and seriously considered suicide. I wrote a very long and detailed letter to them about what I felt were strong but not overwhelming TG feelings and all the other issues in my life that were crumbling down around me. Sometimes I think she may be able to understand but them she reverts to the "mind over matter" stance that works for her.

She told me once "you are not transgendered" and I think that is part defensive on her part and part in the hopes that I will just drop all the TG/CD feelings I have always had. It hurts so much sometimes to know that she is really refusing to allow the possibility that her son could be less "manly" than her brother, nephews, dad and uncles. Especially given my size and voice and that I work in electronics and have not been effeminate except in the "dress-up clothes" as she called them. The extent of her experience with anything remotely related to TG/CD is Uncle Miltie and that isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.

As they approach the end of their lives (86 years old) and I age not so gracefully (58) it gets harder to accept that we have not really had any real detailed conversations about me as a person; just the usual parent /child stuff through the years.

I am quite envious of those whose families will at least discuss if not fully accept, the variations between what is expected of and for a child vs what the child/adult REALLY feels.

[Julie Hall]

Thanks for the comments.

Maria, I actually told her on the telephone. I wasn't sure I'd have the courage in person. When I see her tomorrow, I'll be sure to give her a BIG HUG and tell her you told me to.

Christine, Our ages and our parents ages are very similar. I am very lucky to have the mother I do. I never met my father. I hope your mom can come to some kind of acceptance before she passes. Her refusal may stem from generational differences, I just got lucky with mine. I hope you get to have some luck as well. Keep your chin up and the petticoats flowing. By the way, I also found the clothes I'm selecting are far more femme and frilly than anything my wife or daughter had ever selected.

[DanaR]

That is very cool, I'm happy for you. I always wished that I could have told my mother. I'm sure she would have been alright with it as well, we had a very good relationship.

[stacycoral]

That is very cool, I'm happy for you. .

I agree, i wish i could tell my parents, but there both in there mid 80's and that is not the way someone should dress, i love them both, it is just something i have to keep just with my SO I am very happy for you

[Ressie]

I didn't tell my mom about my dressing, but I'm sure she put it together before she turned 50. I told my sister when I was about 25, but will never be able to tell my brother. I think everyone in my family knows, but they don't know how much.

[Eryn]

My parents are gone, but I don't think that I would have wanted to tell them. There was no functional need to do so and the knowledge would not have made their lives happier. Some things are better not shared.

[Julie Hall]

My parents are gone, but I don't think that I would have wanted to tell them. There was no functional need to do so and the knowledge would not have made their lives happier. Some things are better not shared.

Eryn, in my case my mother is my closest friend. There normally isn't anything we don't talk about. I did have major doubts before, but I really needed to speak my feelings aloud in order to fully accept them. I knew my mother was born one or two generations before her time, so if any parent could accept - it would be her.

[Eryn]

Eryn, in my case my mother is my closest friend. There normally isn't anything we don't talk about. I did have major doubts before, but I really needed to speak my feelings aloud in order to fully accept them. I knew my mother was born one or two generations before her time, so if any parent could accept - it would be her.

I was speaking of my situation only. My parents lived 400 miles away and had lives separate from mine. Their relationship with me was the traditional one between parents and adult sons. No reason to rock their boat when I could do what I wanted without them knowing.

Your situation is completely different and I don't doubt that your mother would want you to share your feelings with her. Congratulations on having a great relationship with your Mom!

[Cally]

I originally thought it was the wrong thing to do to tell my Mum who is 86. I thought that perhaps she did not need to know that side of me because it would only upset her. However since Cally burst out of the closet several months ago, the urge to be completely honest with my mother became more than I could bear. She had always wondered why my marriage broke up and I had always said that one day I would tell all.

Well a month ago that day arrived. She was a little shocked at first and asked the usual question ... "are you gay?" Once I convinced her that even though some of my best friends are TS or Gay, I am most certainly not, she became curious and interested. "Do you have nice clothes" she asked ... "Of Course Mum, you bet!" I got all manner of questions. It was a very liberating experience for me. I felt that a massive weight had been lifted. I now have no secrets from her. I can talk to her about anything. This is such a fantastic feeling.

A few days later I sent her some pics of Cally (my avatar one actually) whilst I was on the phone to her. Her reaction was so funny. It was "Huh, Oh , ooooooooh. You look just like your sister. That's not bad. Wow. Geee."

Mums are way cool... I love mine to bits.

[DebbieL]

I wanted to ask the forum to share their experiences of coming out to their parents.

I actually had to come out to my parents FOUR times.

The first time, I was 2 years old, I made a dress out of a dry cleaning bag, and modeled it for my mom.
When my dad came home, was worried that I might suffocate or choke myself, so me made me take it off.

The second time, I was 6 years old. I had been playing with girls for years, and we had traded Barbie clothes, then we traded clothes with each other.
When one girl's mother noticed that I had an erection under her daughter's tights, she made me leave and told all the other mothers not to let their daughters play with me.
I started dressing in my mom's clothes, wishing, praying, to become a girl. I'd lock the bathroom door, and dress up with clothes my mom had left in the laundry hamper, especially her sunday clothes,s which were prettiest. When mom would knock on the door, I'd tell her I'd be out in a minute, get undressed quietly, and flush the toilet so it sounded like I was just sitting down.
When she needed to go bad, and I knocked something over, making it obvious that I was NOT sitting on the pot, but told her I was, she used a hanger to unlock the door, and found me dressed in her clothes.

Mom was very supportive, and was very sympathetic, and even offered to buy me some clothes.
My dad, who had been abused for being a sissy when he was a kid, wanted to spare me that pain, so he suggested getting blue tights and a blue T-shirt and a cape, so I could dress up like Superman, Mom even made me a cape.

The third time, I never stopped the dressing, but took pantie hose and stockings that had been thrown in the trash because they had runs, and put them in between the mattresses of my bed, along with a teddy I realized she never wore because it hadn't been in the laundry (I did the Laundry), so I "borrowed" it (and never gave it back). When I was 11,she decided to make my bed rather than have me do it, and found my "stash" (she thought I was hiding drugs).

She told me she was relieved it wasn't drugs, that she never liked that teddy anyway, so I could keep it, and that she didn't want me taking any of her GOOD hosiery.
She also asked me if I'd like to do more of her chores - which I DID! I had already been washing, drying, and folding the laundry (now she knew why), but now she wanted me to help with cooking and cleaning as well. Because I picked up those chores, she was able to get a job, and I could stay home sick and dress most of the day.

Dad shared that he had been tested and they found that he was 75% feminine, because he preferred the Ballet to Football, and romances to action adventure, and so on, but he tried to encourage intellectual interests I could do alone, perhaps so that I wouldn't have to always show up in the white shirt, blue tie, and black suit that he had to wear every day as an accountant. Also so that I wouldn't end up in prison or in a macho environment where I might be more likely to get raped.

My parents were aware that I was still cross-dressing, but since Christine Jorgensen was mutilated rather than a real SRS, they didn't want to encourage transition, so they ignored it.

The fourth time, I was going to be divorced, I had been seeing a gender therapist, and had been living evenings and weekends as a woman, and I came out to the whole family. Mom wasn't a bit surprised, had no problem with it, and was sorry that I had to go through the platonic marriage for 9 years before I could come out. Dad was much more upset, he couldn't believe I would divorce my wife and give up custody of my children, so I could dress. He didn't understand that it wasn't my choice and that my wife's issues were more with my long working hours, time spent in 12 step programs, and unwillingness to buy a house and put the title in her name and the mortgage in mine. She had been planning the divorce since my son was born.

The last time, I had been posting pictures of Debbie on Rex's Facebook page, sharing books about cross-dressing and transsexuals and writing reviews about them, sharing my own experience. When my dad was about to die, the first conversation we had, since he didn't know how much longer he would be able to talk, was to say "If I never gave you anything else, I hope I gave you the ability to be yourself". At the moment he said that, I thought "you don't know who MYSELF really is, do you?". I decided to take him up on his offer, and wore my spandex camisoles, short shorts, and pink sketchers, everything but the curly wig (which I hadn't packed). He looked and smiled, and said I looked pretty. It was only about 2 days later, that I realized that he had been reading my reviews as well as the book descriptions, and knew EXACTLY who "MYSELF" was - and loved me for it, and loved that I had the freedom to be myself.

The one thing I have always known from both my parents, is that they both loved me, and that means they loved BOTH Rex AND Debbie. They didn't want me to get hurt, they didn't know enough about HRT and SRS to seek out the right programs, and didn't want me mutilated (SRS with no functioning clitoris or ability to enjoy sexual intimacy).

When I started hanging out with the gays at school, they understood that I was attracted to girls, but were grateful that I had found friends who could trust me.

When I went to college at an all-girls school, they encouraged me, knowing that I would learn much more about what it was to be a woman, and maybe even how to look and act like one. I only wish I had had the courage to let those girls know how much I wanted to be "One of the Girls" for real, rather than just "looks like a boy, acts like a girl". It was obvious that I didn't go to LHC to get laid.

[Melody1985]

That's good to here.. Acceptance from her trumps all other combined for you I'm sure. So congrats on that!

I could never get that reaction from either one if my parents I'm sure. I don't think they would disown me, but they would completely disagree and hope that I change my ways. So I love them, but we obviously have varying opinions about CDing. And I'm okay with that.

[Melody1985]

Debbie;

What a story that is. I'm happy you were accepted by your parents. You know who you are, and honestly a lot of people, whether they are TGs or not, struggle with the idea of who they are, and you obviously know. That's great!

Later

[KandisTX]

I have come out to two sets of parents in my lifetime. The first was my "adoptive" parents, technically they were my 2nd cousins by marriage as the "mother" was my paternal grandmothers niece. I was 16 years old at the time and she and I were alone in the house so I decided to tell her about my crossdressing since they had already found my stash and were unsure what to think about it at the time. When I came out to her, she said we needed to talk. Well, we talked and it was more of a lecture from her to me about how this was wrong and goes against Gods will and that I needed to go to therapy to help me stop doing this. Fortunately for me the court papers that resulted in my adoption by them stipulated that at sixteen years of age, I could choose to stay with them or go back to my birth father and step mother. I chose to visit them and see how things went. While there for my visit, I decided I would stay with them in Alabama instead of going back to New Jersey. I went back into the closet and sneaked around wearing my mom's and sisters clothing again. It was about a year later when we moved to Germany that I decided to come out to my step mother because I was tired of sneaking around and essentially stealing her and my sisters clothing. I chose a day that I knew she would be the first one home while dad was out in the field (dad was in the Army) and my sisters were off with their friends. I went into mom's room and dressed in her bra, panties and pantyhose and put on my bathrobe and sat and waited until I heard her keys in the front door. As she came through the front door I timed my exit from her bedroom so that she couldn't help but notice I had been in her room. I also need to note that my bathrobe only came to just above my knees and my socks were mid calf length, leaving about six inches of leg exposed and since my legs are extremely pale, the suntan pantyhose were quite noticeable. When she asked what I was doing I turned to face her and as I did my robe "fell" open (it wasn't technically closed and as I turned if fell off my shoulders to the floor), and there I was in all my glory in all her lingerie. She said that we needed to talk but first it wasn't proper for a lady to wear just a bra and panties and pantyhose so let's go find you something to put on over your lingerie. She gave me some silky ladies pajamas to wear and as we talked she was understanding and accepting to the point that she gave me permission to wear her things as long as I laundered them before returning them and also took me shopping for my own panties and pantyhose since those were items that should really not be shared. I also came out to my sister (2 years my junior) later that day when she came home and she gave me some of my favorite items of hers to KEEP. Mom is still supportive of me, sister is not really anymore which is really odd since she is an exotic dancer and you would think that she would be more accepting and understanding of something like crossdressing. ~shrug~