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[Rebecca Petersen]

Posted this in the wrong area a few ago. Hope this is the right place.
Thank you all for such a warm welcome. I've had a few days now to look around, and I like what I see. I mentioned in my intro that I had been around for a million years and although that is a slight exaggeration, I have been transgendered forever. I have belonged to many organizations and since I was the "Old Timer" I was the one that everyone looked to for advice. Now, I find myself in as position where I need advice.
Where do I begin. Over the years I've developed a mental picture of what I look like and how that look translates to society. I've been going out in public since I was 18 years old (which by the way is eons ago) and nobody never seemed to give me a second look. So, in my mind I was "blending" in with society. Big difference by the way between blending and passing.
Okay, so I have a number of women friends that I hang out with, and today I was with one of them for a day of lunch and shopping, and everything was going like any other day, when two elderly women sitting across from us came over and asked if I was a man. Well, I choked. This has never come up and I honestly didn't know what to say.
Since that moment I have not been able to think about anything other that the woman's comment. It becomes obvious that I have been fooling myself all of these years into thinking everything was going well and that i was being accepted by society as a woman, when in reality this woman was just the first one with enough guts to ask.
After a lifetime of being "Rebecca" todays little episode has got me thinking that maybe I shouldn't be out there in public. My friend says I shouldn't let the two old ladies dictate how I feel about myself. I however keep going back to the thought that I've had my head in the sand for a long time and I'm fooling nobody other than myself.
Please understand, I've always had the fear that society's definition of "A man in a dress" is not a positive and not something I wanted to be. I also realize that I was the one that chose to take "Rebecca" out of a private setting many years ago and put her up for inspection and ridicule.
So, you are saying, "What's the question?" Well, I'm so upset at this point in time, my first inclination is to "hang it up" so to speak. Look for a big closet to hide in where things are controlled and safe. I don't know what the question really is. Guess I'm just looking for answers and maybe there isn't any.
Damn those two old ladies.

[TGMarla]

It was rather rude of them to even approach you and ask such a question. What if they had been wrong? It would be offensive to any woman to be asked such a question. What if you had approached the old crows and asked them if they had ever been pretty?

I say damn them, too!

[Eileen]

Rebecca,

Marla is so right! No one with any sensativity would have approached you like those two did. Dam those two a third time.

You are a beautiful lady and you can not let there stupidity influence you in any way.

Eileen

[lawnmanmo]

Dear Rebecca
I am a gentleman who adores the CD world and the Cding experience especially with passable CD women. Lets just say that those old women might have just been lucky with their assumption that you were male BECAUSE Rebecca, You look every bit the classy and CONVINCING WOMEN. You are the ONLY kind of CD girl that I would have no problem being out with in any setting. Just continue to enjoy your life and your trips out and about. Your beautiful.
Jerry (NYC)

[Dixie Darling]

A quick answer that might have thrown THEM into a tailspin would have been, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am. Are YOU?"

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Lauren_T]

Really, now. I'll tell you straight up, Rebecca, you're all wet on this... your friend is right, and you're taking a fit of self-doubt too seriously. Put that incident in perspective:

After years of acceptance, after encountering countless people... and you're ready to let one rude person nullify all that's gone before? :confused:

I won't go point-by-point; instead let me remind you that we all, not just gender-variants, have our own private existence that we don't share with the world, and thence, we all project, with various degrees of success, an image that we feel best expresses ourselves to others.

It's a role. We are actors, every one. Never forget that.

Among civilised people, this is tacitly accepted by all. The role you choose to play in this life is rightly regarded as being your choice. Civilised folk observe the social contract, which in this sort of situation means, 'I allow you your mask, since you allow me to wear mine."

Those years of acceptance don't mean you have or haven't "fooled" anyone. They mean that you have played your chosen part (not one laid on you by your peers, which is such a painful issue for so many of us) so well that others find it no problem to coöperate. Then along comes some fool who, likely utterly blind to those unwritten agreements that lubricate society, for a moment, lifts your veil, revealing the actor beneath.

Life is a game of "let's pretend" and we all (should) know it, whether or not we overtly acknowledge it. You - and most of us here - have chosen a more unusual role than is adopted by persons who fear standing out. We have the courage, to various degrees, to do something many conformists secretly wish they could do. Their self-doubt is always there, and their lives the poorer for it. You merely encountered someone who violated one of the basic rules of life's game and got a dip in your confidence, one that I bet was probably amplified by some other transient factor in your life that you may not even be consciously aware of.

Don't take it to heart. Your long-successful role is undamaged by a lone heckler in the audience. We, your fellow cast members, would have you carry on, as we respect the way you've managed to conduct yourself as a female (far better than many of us!). And that should far outweigh one insignificant encounter with someone too stupid to know that the faces we all present to the world are masks...

Self-doubt is useful as a prophylactic against egocentrism - it's a sign that one's conscience is there and functioning. But when it's allowed to build to the point where one feels guilty for simply being oneself, then it's gone too far.

You see where I'm coming from on this?

[Rebecca Petersen]

Yes, I do see where you are coming from and I thank you for your insightful comments.
The two old ladies did put a bit of self-doubt into me that I forgot was there. Yes, there are some other issues at the present time that could be a problem. Wifey-poo (no relation to Winnie The Poo) and I are having problems. Well actually, she's having problems with me.
Just can't get over the self-doubt though. The thought that comes to mind though, is have I been successful all of these years, or are these the first two people that had the guts to be honest?
Anyway, guess its a moot point now. I have too much time and money invested to give it up. Like giving it up is an option. Thanks again for the kind words.

[Rebecca Petersen]

Thank you all for your support. A few hours have passed and I feel a little better. Now I just want to find the two old bags and give them a piece of my mind. (Just a small piece)

[Lauren_T]

...
The thought that comes to mind though, is have I been successful all of these years, or are these the first two people that had the guts to be honest?
...Consider this: Which scenario is more likely?

(a) That you have been accepted for a long time, in encounters with many different people, and it so happened that you finally (since it was inevitable that you eventually would) cross paths with a clueless one...
Or...
(b) That all those innumerable people, over all those years, actually had you sussed and yet not a one of them said anything?

To say that (b) is unlikely is an understatement, to say the least...

So we can confidently conclude that the clueless one is the exception, and the many who have accepted you are the rule. :)

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Even long-time pre-op TSs get read sometime. It just comes with the territory. But it's not the end of the world. I'd venture to say that most of aren't going to be mistaken for a GG in close-up interactions. But as Lauren says, if you're presentable most people are willing to treat you like a lady even when they know you're a guy in a dress.

From your avatar its obvious you're a lady. From their question, it's obvious the two old bags weren't. It might be a bit of useful mental jujitsu to think about it this way: they're the ones who failed to pass -- pass the test of tolerance.

[Mitzi]

Rebecca...

Look at it this way...they asked because they weren't sure. So you could have been GG.

I've been told by other CD's that I pass easily, but occasionally, I'm aware I've been read. Yes, it's deflating, but oh well... Whenever that's happened, I sense that the person is more fascinated than anything else.

In any case, don't let that incident deter you from enjoying your femme outings.

Mitzi

[Sweet Susan]

Rebecca,
If you have had the courage and the experience of being dressed en femme for years, I say there is no way you are going to quit because some old gal read you in public. You just need to find out what you were doing that led her to figure it out and work on that. Actually, I think you are quite lucky! You'll never quit. Don't even think like that!

[oztallulah]

Maybe a piece of paper would have helped. Ask the question, "Is there a bet" and how much??? I always try to turn a negative into a positive, or maybe it is attack is the best form of defence. Not sure. But, a harrowing experience to go through no doubt, and as Mitzi and others have said, don't let em get to you.

Andrea

[racquel]

Thank you all for your support. A few hours have passed and I feel a little better. Now I just want to find the two old bags and give them a piece of my mind. (Just a small piece)
You are (I'm assuming)a grander lady than the elderly lady that asked you the question.
Giving her a piece of your mind would be a waste as I doubt she would have much use for it as it seems she doesn't use the one God blessed her with.
Continue presenting your self as the lady you are. and stay proud of who you are. :thumbsup:

[Shannon]

Rebecca
I really can't add much different to what has already been said. Clearly, your experience, except for the 2 old ladies, has been one of acceptance. It is unfortunate that you happened to run into those 2 people who don't have the social skills of 6-year olds. They were being hurtful, intentional or not, and it will probably take some time to get this moment out of your head. You've been accepted and will continue to be.
Best wishes.

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Rebecca, it's all been said by everyone already, but I don't agree with everything that's been said.
I am the person that will stand up when someone older... strike that.. more mature than me gets on a bus/train etc. I'll stand at a door I have already gone through and hold it open for an old dear... however.. and here comes the contentious part... If I do so and get no thanks, even off an old dear.. that old dear is going to get the full force of my tongue.

I have called one woman an ignorant old bat after she walked passed me and my daughter holding two doors open for her like she was the queen.. she never even slowed down.. just straight passed us. When my outburst came she turned around and gave me such a filthy look, .. my responce to her was, 'You expect my daughter to respect you, to hold doors open, and then you can not even do her the honour of saying 'thank you', you are a disgusting example of old age'. She was mortified!
You can then image what I would have said to this nosey old bat.
DONT YOU DARE let this cow win.. if I look half as good as you, when I am a little more mature <GRIN> then I will be out all the time.
Amen to carrying on, 'like it was an option' and chin up, boobs and bum out and go get em.
HUGE enormous hugz
SammyJO

[Phoebe Reece]

Rebecca,

First of all, you have been successful in gaining acceptance for a long time. Acceptance does not mean that everyone you have encountered has mistaken you for a GG. It simply means that you are treated as the lady that you appear to be. There's a very old saying that originally was written in regard to politics, but applies to CD's as well: "You can fool some of the people all of the time. You can fool all of the people some of the time. But, you can't fool all of the people all of the time." Not everyone will accept a crossdresser in their midst. But that is their problem. Don't make it your problem.

There is something missing from your story. Why did these women ask the question? Were they being disapproving busybodies (as most here have suggested) or were they simply curious? It's been my experience that most of the disapproving people usually stick their noses in the air and march away pretending you aren't there. I've never had anyone come and talk to me to express their disapproval. Maybe these two ladies knew someone else who is a crossdresser and they wanted some information. I have been approached on a number of occassions by people who have read me or other CD's I was with at the time. Almost always it has been simple curiosity. I often find out they have a friend or relative that is a crossdresser and they are just trying to find out more about it. Once it was a mother who was pointing out to her little girl (I and some others were in a museum at the time) that we were just ordinary guys wearing womens clothing and nothing to be concerned about. I use these encounters to try and educate the public about crossdressing - one person at a time.

The response I would have given these ladies asking if I was a man would have been (with a big smile): "Yes, of course. Is there a problem with that?" That would force them to explain their actions.

[Lauren_T]

Excellent point, one I missed... That woman's affront could as easily have come from ignorance as malice... You're spot-on there, Phoebe! :thumbsup:

[Stephanie Kay]

The response I would have given these ladies asking if I was a man would have been (with a big smile): "Yes, of course. Is there a problem with that?" That would force them to explain their actions.

Rebecca,

I'm with Phoebe on this one. Who knows why the woman asked you that question? You never said! First of all, none of us should give anyone (older or not, female or not) the power to dictate how we feel! Having sufficient love for yourself is a valuable commodity at times like these. Genuine self-love (not narcissism) conquers all!

But I don't quite see the problem here. Why did she throw you for such a loop? What answer did you give this woman? Are you not a man? What are you trying to accomplish by your crossdressing? Fooling the people around you (I don't think anybody likes to be fooled. I know I don't.). Are you trying to be a woman? Are you transexual? Or are you just exploring the variants of gender in our society? Then that's what I call playing! And I find it a lot of fun! I try to blend in with society as a woman when I am out in public, but I know quite clearly by what is tucked away between my legs that I am a man! My sex is male. My gender is something else. I consider myself transgendered and enjoy dressing as a woman. I am both male and female by gender. I know I can get hurt (emotionally as well as physically) by trying to fool others around me. So I don't. But I continue to enjoy crossdressing in public. And if you really think "being a man in a dress" is somehow degrading and ludicrous then what the heck are you doing? Sounds like self-hate and not self-love! I am a man in a dress and I find it delighful and real and soul-satisfying! I hope you will too, Rebecca! Just learn to love yourself more! I think women are intuitive. She knew. Maybe the next thing she was going to say was "Honey, you look great!" I know, because that's happened to me! I blushed and said "Thanks." Take care, Rebecca. And stay pretty!

[Kimberly]

The two old ladies aren't the ones to focus on, here.

I think that if the more youthful members of the public at large are "accepting" in your day to day life, then you're fine!!

If you get comments every single day, then I'd start to worry. :(

[Rebecca Petersen]

Rebecca,

But I don't quite see the problem here. Why did she throw you for such a loop? What answer did you give this woman? Are you not a man? What are you trying to accomplish by your crossdressing? Fooling the people around you (I don't think anybody likes to be fooled. I know I don't.). Are you trying to be a woman? Are you transexual? Or are you just exploring the variants of gender in our society? Then that's what I call playing! And I find it a lot of fun! I try to blend in with society as a woman when I am out in public, but I know quite clearly by what is tucked away between my legs that I am a man! My sex is male. My gender is something else. I consider myself transgendered and enjoy dressing as a woman. I am both male and female by gender. !

Please let me elaborate. Stephanie has raised a number of good questions. I feel as she does that I am a transgendered or dual gendered person. Yes, my sex is male, but my gender is both masculine and feminine as the situation dictates. What am I trying to accomplish by dressing as a woman? Well, simply put, I'm only trying to feel and look natural for that period of time. Am I trying to be a woman? By definition, under this set of circumstances, that would not be possible. But, in the past I have been treated as a woman during the period of time that I chose to be Rebecca. Have I been - as it was put earlier - "fooling some of the people some of the time, etc" the answer would be yes, but the intent was not to deceive. The intent was to feel natural and good about myself, which by the way, I can do in either gender. Was I trying to pass myself off as a woman? Of course. It was the gender I chose for that period of time.
What was my response to the two women? A blank stare and my mouth hanging open. Why? Simply because it's the first time somebody asked me that question. Granted, it may have been more curiosity on their part than anything else, but I was just not prepared with an answer. Lucky, the woman I was with said, "This is none of your business and it is rude of you to ask such a question" or we would all still be sitting there looking at each other.
Please also understand that I'm not stupid enough to believe that I have gone blissfully through life not being read. I'm sure a number of people have known exactly what I am, but none have blatantly just walked up and asked the question. It caught me off guard and opened a lot of doors in my somewhat complacent little mind.
After 24 hours, as the expression goes, "I'm way over it." I've come to grips with the fact that This may happen again and I can't let it "hurt" as it did yesterday. I will not let someone else dictate how I feel about myself, nor how I choose to express myself.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input, support and thoughtfulness. I do appreciate your time and words.
Rebecca

[susandrea]

And now, a moment of Zen. :)

P.S. Your avatar is very pretty.:thumbsup:

[robinLynn]

It was rather rude of them to even approach you and ask such a question. What if they had been wrong? It would be offensive to any woman to be asked such a question. What if you had approached the old crows and asked them if they had ever been pretty?

I say damn them, too!
marla is right

[freshfrankie]

Those two insensitive boors probably go up to men and say"You look like a woman" Do what you love and love what you do. You're having some problems with your partner? When I was in the Coast Guard we had a saying "We're all in the same boat!" Big hugs.

Love Jeannie

[Mitzi]

A post script of sorts...

Rebecca, you look fabulously femme in your avatar and profile pics. And to boot, you have women friends who totally accept you as a girlfriend. How great is that!!!

Glad that you're getting past your overreaction to what really is nothing more that a momentary embarrassment.

Faced with a similar situation, I might say.."You're very observant, do you think I look okay?", but then I might sit there with a stunned look too...

Mitzi

[Sharon]

The vast majority of us are just going to have to accept the fact that there are some uncouth (really stretching for a gentle word here) people out there who think nothing of embarrassing others.

Rebecca -- you look wonderful in your avatar and I would be willing to wager that episodes such as you describe will be an infrequent occurrance. But the reality of it is that it is bound to happen to even the best of us on occasion. We just need to decide what is more important to us -- do we slink away and hide when we are made, or do we regather our resolve, maybe take an extra moment to check our make-up, and get back out there again?

This all is easier said than done, of course, but shutting ourselves away in our homes is not the answer.

I'm so happy for you that you have gotten over it and will not let these old bags (less gentle now) stop you from enjoying your life.:)