Given chances but just freeze up

[pernille d]

Firstly My wife knows I like to wear underwear and stockings.but apart from that I am still very much in the cosset . She knows I Am still hiding something but lets it lie . But sometimes She teases me about my nylons and talks to me as if she is fishing for more info, what i can't *work out is , is it for fun or is she trying to get me to admit more . I don't lie as today she asked me if i had thrown my panties *out. And i said "which ones.And no I has not and will not !! *" She has said that when she first found out it was the worlds worst problem but now she is ok,ish about it .*

I just want to tell her about the real me , but I am very frightened about the reaction !!!! *she has some idea that my problems is some kind of sexual fetish and it's not. Does anyone have any advice or experience of this and if so how do you tell your wife that it is just me and the clothing and no more *in a truthful *way that she believes it . I feel sometomes she is trying to give me the chance to speak but I just freeze up and get no further .

Would be interested to hear if anyone else has had it like this and what did you do to solve the problem ,

[RenneB]

This is the challenge that each of us have with SOs. If we tell all and she accepts... wow that's great. I took a risk and she's okay with it. On the other hand, you come out and she hands you papers for the D word and well that's life. You end up in some low rent apartment wishing you never came clean.. Then there are all the variances in between. Okay, if you're not comfortable with me en fem full time, what are you comfortable with? Then go from there.

Me? I'm keepin' the cat and Renne in the bag for now....

Renne.....

[AllieSF]

Pernille, you have the advantage over a lot of us in that your wife knows about your panty and nylon use and actually jokes about it. So, starting from there, you can start giving a few more, but not a lot of, hints and more direct answers to her joking questions. Those really are door opening opportunities that would help you bring yourself out to her over time, versus in one shocking statement of the real truth. Going slowly helps her get her mind and emotions around it without the "big" shock of sudden disclosure. So, when she fishes, you can reverse the role and be the fisherwoman and feed her a little more line each time until maybe you can set the hook in a positive way. Also by learning how to be more open to her, your relationship in other areas may improve too. Good luck.

[Rachel Flowers]

"You know about how I enjoy wearing women's underwear and stockings. I've been doing some research trying to understand waht makes me do it. I've found a number of other men online, many of them happily married, completely straight, and they seem to be a lot like me in how it makes them feel, and I fell really quite reassured that I'm not going to turn into some freak, but it's just a harmless thing that enables me to express the softer side of my personality. A lot of these men's wives are on the forum too and they have a range of responses to how they feel about it. If you're comfortable, It would really help me if we can talk about what you think about it and discuss the things I've found out about other men who are like me."
How would something like that go down? You'd have to turn it into your own language, obviously!

[Raychel Torn]

Pernille,

I understand your strong desire to tell (share with) your wife, but right now you need to move very slow. Building a strong communication system between the two of you is the next step. Making a joke is a way of opening up a topic without having to take responsibility for it. This is not all bad, but the problem is that you don't know what the motivation is. The best way to deal with this is to turn the conversation back to the speakers feelings. This might look like this: Wife: "So did you throw your panties out?" You: "Why? Would you like me to throw them out?" Each time she opens the subject by making a jock use it as a invitation to ask her how she feels about it and then Talk, Talk, Talk. You don't need to tell her anything more until you feel safe, but when you do at least the two of you will know more about each others feelings.

[sinead]

"You know about how I enjoy wearing women's underwear and stockings. I've been doing some research trying to understand waht makes me do it. I've found a number of other men online, many of them happily married, completely straight, and they seem to be a lot like me in how it makes them feel, and I fell really quite reassured that I'm not going to turn into some freak, but it's just a harmless thing that enables me to express the softer side of my personality. A lot of these men's wives are on the forum too and they have a range of responses to how they feel about it. If you're comfortable, It would really help me if we can talk about what you think about it and discuss the things I've found out about other men who are like me."
How would something like that go down? You'd have to turn it into your own language, obviously!

Great suggestion Rachel, another idea is when there is a tv program about drag queens or crossdressers is to ask her what she would feel about you dressing, or even next time she asks about throwing your panties away you could be very cheeky and say " no I can't do that as 'Y' fronts look silly under my skirt.

[retrofitme]

At the risk of being punny - you need to man up! ;) By your description, it seems like she is willing and wants to know you. You want to tell her who you are... so do it! :) Get the communication ball rolling in a positive direction. I think it is most important to be candid, and let her know your fears about telling her - and let her respond to that. It sounds like she senses your fear already, and wants to invite you to reveal yourself to her. She wants to draw you out a bit it seems to me.

Perhaps you could invite her to join the forums here, and get to know others in similar situations to yours. The Loved Ones forum can be especially good, as well as the FAB forum (according to my wife)

Just my $0.02

[Holly]

Pernille, unless you are ready to be honest and truthful with her, don't bother. Being manipulative like your are with your female co-workers with reguards to your office Christmas ball is no way to build a marriage relationship nor is being cute by asking, "Which ones?", when asked if you had disposed of your panties. If, like you say, she knows you are hiding something and you continue to hide it, the fact that your are hiding it will become the larger elephant in the room than the fact that you crossdress could ever think of being.

If you really want to know how I handled it, I sat down with my wife and laid it all out to her, complete with pictures and diagrams with arrows. I answered her questiions truthfully and sincerely. We established boundaries together and agreed to revisit them as needed. I respected her and she, in return, respected me.

I wish you at least half the success in your relationship that my wife and I have had in ours.

[Eryn]

If you find it difficult to talk to her about your CDing, talk to her about the difficulty you are having with communicating with her.

I believe that she will be empathetic and pretty soon you'll be talking about everything.

[Chloe75]

One of the things that I think wives are concerned with is all that CD is associated with. Most wives want and need a man to be their best friend, support them, stand by them, be strong, love them above all else, and treat them as the most beautiful and precious person in their life. All of that may seem like it will vanish when they find out their husband "likes to wear women's clothes." It is important to realize that your marriage is first above everything else. She needs to know that. You need to be the man and husband she married, fulfilling your vows to her and put her needs alongside yours (and sometimes above yours...that's what men ought to do). Most women need to know this. Your wife may not want to see you in enfemme mode because it may destroy the view she has of you as her husband. You both need to understand this since a relationship takes two. Take it slow and find out what she really understands regarding CD. Build your relationship with her.

Just my thoughts...hope they help.

[Jenniferathome]

You can read in my signature line what I said when I told my wife. Given your wife knows you wear panties, she likely suspects much more. The door is already open for you and your wife is accepting so far. You have an easier row to hoe. Just tell her. You'll both be happier.

[Rachel Morley]

Does anyone have any advice or experience of this and if so how do you tell your wife that it is just me and the clothing and no more *in a truthful *way that she believes it.

Here's a link to a thread called "How to tell your partner". It used to be a sticky on the main board before it was removed.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[Tina B.]

I've got to agree with Holly, when I decided this old habit was not going away, I knew I couldn't live with a person and keep the big lie, so rather than beat around the bush, or make a guessing game out of it, I sat her down on the sofa, and told her everything, and answered anything. It was the best thing I ever did! It came out of the blue for her, your wife already knows there is something there, not every guy is out there wearing panties, much less nylons. So you don't have all that much left to tell, if she is as good about the rest as she has been about the panties and hose, it should go pretty easy, and if not, at least it will be out front so you two can start to work on it.
Tina B.

[kimdl93]

honestly, you're out of the closet with your wife, whether you admit it or not. What you need to do, as so many have suggested, is to have a full, honest conversation with her about your dressing... I do beleive she would welcome honesty. She may not accept, but she may be more willing to deal with it on a constructive basis.

[IamSara]

I have to agree with most of the others. When I finally told my wife all last spring we had something to work on together. Believe me it is a whole lot better to struggle while talking then to keep "hiding" ( your not really). It may be that you aren't able to dress fully, as in my case, but there is a something to work on in your relationship. You have to be able to talk to your wife. Since coming out to my wife we have been able to talk more openly about more than just my crossdressing. It really did open the door to a much better relationship although more difficult at times. Not all the discussions are easy for me and for her.
You won't regret it by talking to her.
Good luck with and I hope to hear more.

[shawnsheila]

It is probably better if you tell your wife. Maybe when she is in a good mood about joking with you about your nylons you could bring it up. My wife found out the hard way (stumbled upon my clothes) and that was a very difficult moment to talk about it with her. My wife is still not ok with it so I have really reduced my CDing out of respect for her but I still dress up during the day while she is at work (its nice working from home sometimes) Every now and then she jokes about it with me (more of a back handed joke then a light hearted one) but at this point she is not interested in me CDing at all. Since your wife said she is ok-ish about it, maybe you can set a time to fully open up to her and tell her the truth. No matter what, once the truth is out, it is a burden off your shoulders.

[DonnaT]

Since she knows what you like to wear, to some extent, and presumably you wish to be able to dress in more than just panties and hose, simply tell her you'd like to be able to wear a skirt with hose to get more enjoyment out of the experience, and ask her how she feels about it. The conversation following that should tell you how to proceed.

[NicoleScott]

I'm going to disagree with Raychel's approach (post #5). She will soon figure out that answering a question with a question is not answering honestly and directly, but attempting to determine what answer she wants to hear, then accommodating with a "good" answer.
The cat's out of the bag - that's the hard part. All of her questions and preconceived notions can be answered now. Time to level with her.

[linda allen]

She knows about the panties and stockings and kids you about them. That's a good start. Next time the subject comes up, ask her what size and style bra to get. Or ask her to buy you one. See what her reaction is to that. Take it onward from there.

[LeaP]

If you find it difficult to talk to her about your CDing, talk to her about the difficulty you are having with communicating with her.

I believe that she will be empathetic and pretty soon you'll be talking about everything.

This is an excellent suggestion.

Lea