restructure is it posibble

[danielle.cd]

well as some know i said i was done for now and to a certain extant i still am . i know who i am and i know that my cding was going in the wrong direction and leading me instead of me leading it , wich in the past comes to spending money when u dont have it, on items that dont match or there not realistic for even going to the grocery store. now for me like many others that didnt understand why they dress . i just needed my fix and if was all good , for a day or soo but latley its gotten to where i would dress every minute that i possibly could before and after work or before the kids got home and have been doing that for almost a month and a half , i felt i was loosing my self ,almost like the dr jekle and ms hyde movie . and i came to realize that i have to gain control get back on track an restructer my life , whats more important to me looking like a women for a few minutes a day and not being able to live like one on a daily basis or, do the cding thing on ocation and be able to go out and portray a female a few times a year and have a happier wife and kids. i thought thing would get better if me and the wife conected more and actualy talked aabout her labido and to help me from even getting the urge to dress , wich some of my dressing was because i was getting rejected eveery time i turned around , so i wanted to get away from my male side i guess , an become my female self to escape them feelings , im finding that it doesnt matter rejection or not i have to dress to feel whole , i tried to shut it out and its not helping me any , its all i think about . soo am i back to it . well thats kinda where im at i dont want to just buy stuff , i want to buy stuff that i will feel good about wereing in public and in front of the wife ,an feel like i can be myself so untill i can do that and not have to worry about cding taking over again im taking it day by day and making wiser choices about where and when i dress ,

anybody else find themselves doing this also?

[jillleanne]

Sure, been there, done that, many times. The confusion, the urge, the excitement, the fear, the guilt, the challenge, and more, in the mind can be so strong you think your head is about to explode. The living like one on a daily basis, in many cases, is simply a fantasy to assist in feeling more feminine. Let me expain my scenario and maybe that will help. Remember we are all different so this may or may not apply to you. I have felt all those feelings as well, many times. I am out and have been for some time and my s/o is totally accepting and supportive and encouraging in having me be me. I do not dress 24/7 'completely' as a woman. Why not? Because it's just too damn hard to do day in and day out. I have things to do that no woman should be allowed to do, like maintain and fix 4 wheelers, toy trailers, snowmobiles, cars, wood splitters, snowblowers, our house and it's mechanical components, the list goes on. Let me tell you, working off a ladder in heels is nuts, not to mention the long hair blowing in the wind, in your face, sticking to your makeup, etc., etc., etc. So in an ideal world where I would not want to do anything masculine ever, I would probably enjoy being Jill 24/7, but I do enjoy doing those things and Jill is just in the way at those times. To make things worse, Jill does not have very many clothes she is thrilled about wearing to the garden to turn dirt in, or mow the grass, or lay on the garage floor and change the oil in the 4 wheelers in. Are you still with me here? I dress mroe now than I ever did in my life. I have been completely en femme now for about 4 days. Last night I decided to paint my finger nails again so I will stay dressed now until the coming weekend. If you had of asked me a few years ago Iif I would buy a pair of flat 'anythings', I would have told you, you are possessed with demons. Today, I own flat shrug boots, slippers, and some very low shoes, just for when I'm out in the yard doing whatever. One simply cannot do daily chores in fine clothing without wrecking them, something I'm not about to do. I ever wear them out shopping on occasion( boots).
I also used to buy anything I thought was completely sexy not giving a thought to how I might look in it. I gradually got to the point of buying new stuff, trying it on at home with tags attached, and returning it if I didn't like it. Now I only buy what looks nice on me, and most importantly, fits!!! Now, it's more important what I buy looks appropriate for the occasion.
I do believe I also dressed more when the bedroom was not as active as I would have liked, but I think now looking back, I failed to consider my lack of understanding of her issues with daily pressures from work, etc., the fact I am more sexually driven than her, and the fact that my fantasies in the bedroom were just that, mine, not hers.
I'm certainly not at the end of this journey but I've learned alot along the way, and I've come to know myself better. I'm making better decisions, and having accepted who I am has made my life much more complete that I could have ever imagined twenty years ago.

[kimdl93]

I think your expereince is pretty common among us. Given the situations we grow up in, most of us have been led to believe that dressing is wrong, that wanting to express the feminine part of our personalities is wrong, and worst of all, that our loved ones will reject us if they find out. So, most of us are at war with ourselves for much of our lives. It seems that's where you've been. And each of us has tried, repeatedly to give up...to paraphrase Mark Twain, quitting CDing is easy - I've done it hundreds of times!

I'm glad you're taking it day by day...and making good choices.

So now, maybe its the time to begin to accept yourself for the whole, complex, interesting person that you are. And maybe its time to begin having conversations with your wife about the feelings and needs you have. I was a bit confused by your comments about rejection - has she rejected your dressing in some manner? If so, perhaps the conversation needs to focus on both your needs and hers...in balance. If she's willing and able to accept this part of you, perhaps she can help you find mutually acceptable ways to express this part of yourself in your daily life.

[danielle.cd]

thanks jill i do feel like u trully know what im talking about . its like u were talking about me the whole time . and kim the rejection part.... well if i try to snuggle with her she tries to scoot away from me , if i wanna make love to her when i come home or any thing i have to beg and beg before she will do anything , if it wasnt in her plans shes not doing it , i try to give her a kiss and she moves away or wipes it off, right in front of me afterwords as to hurt my feelings and its not a wet kiss either, i give her a chance every day to start over fresh and what happens every time i try to get close to her she acts as if im some jurk , about the dressing she has her days and leaves me to it, she really doesnt like it thrown in her face but has accepted that its part of me and we do share the clothes alot so she benifits from that part, but she doesnt want me to go out in our town cause its embarressing to her to be caught with me or by someone that knows us , in anouther town once before i really ever went out ,i did dress and shop with her together and she did have fun with it. she does compremise when it comes to money, so she does know that when i purged in the past that it ends up costing us more cause i had to buy more stuff to replace the old stuff , now she doesnt want me to get rid of it and will let me have some alone time. but i would rather spend it with her and with always being rejected or pushed away i ended up dressing all the time and nearly saying im just gana jump in head first and go all the way an not care about her or what she wants , and to me that would just be wrong , some of us never will know why we dress others do it for certain reasons , i have accepted that im a crossdresser , with the possability of being trangender , but i have to know that this is me and not just an escape, and that its got to be part of me not the whole me ,


some days i wish i could talk to you all face to face, man to man so to speak

[kimdl93]

I think your wife is as conflicted as you are. It seems she's been expereincing a range of emotions but not really dealing witht hem very effectively. I don't know your financial situation, but if it were possible, I'd strongly suggest couples therapy for the two of you. And I wouldn't distill everything down to CDing. Other things could be contributing to the difficulties with intimacy. Relationships, and the problems within them, are like an onion...you peel back one layer and find another...and on and on. It really helps to have a professional there to help with the peeling and to make sure that the two of you are really communicating with each other...and maybe learning ways of communicating that will be more effective.