Emerging or Evolving

[kimdl93]

Many CDrs have expereinced some progression over time in their dressing and perhaps even in how they see themselves in terms of gender identification.

Over the past few years, and especially in the past two, I find that I increasingly identify as transgendered, leaning towards the transexual end of the spectrum. I dress nearly full time, have come out to a few people close to me and find myself strongly preferring to present as female, (despite my physical limitations).

While I've always been aware of the feminine aspects of my identity, I feel that its become a bigger part of who I am as a person. And I can't help but wonder where I'm headed.

I have puzzled and speculated over what extent this progression represents the emergence of something long repressed, or if, by allowing myself to express my feminine side more extensively, I have in some ways also contributed towards the progression, or perhaps even accelerated it.

How does this match up with your experiences, and how do you feel? Are we evolving, emerging or perhaps even creating progression?

[gabimartini]

Kim, my CDing has certainly evolved since I decided to embrace it, a couple years ago. Nowadays, I feel confident to go out en femme in broad daylight pretty much anywhere, a thought that was unimaginable just a year ago. I have also begun to better understand my own feminine feelings and realize that I, too, lean more towards the transexual end of the spectrum. Now, living full time or even transitioning is but a dream at this stage, as I'm not out to my family and friends. Don't think there would be a lot of acceptance there, but I don't know for sure. So, I evolve as I can, but I definitely feel as I'm moving forward.

[Rachel Flowers]

I suspect it's different for everyone. I imagine a lot of people born with penises progress from CD to TS because it's the patf of least resistance and they're unpicking the layers of denial in which being raised as "boys" has wrapped them. I have a strong attraction to my beard, my equipment and the sight of beautiful ladies so I suspect right now that I am a guy who likes to wear the clothes and occasionally fantasises about being either the woman or the man with a man, but that's about it. I have no idea whether that's me or whether that's totally deluded on my part!

An alternative that occurs to me is that having had to hide your feminine side for so many years, Kim, perhaps the strengthening expression of it is a balancing mechanism. Perhaps you're complete as a man and your brain wants to work exclusively on the Nordic Princess side of you! Therefore, maybe being in my early 40s (43 is early, before anyone comments!!) I have more chance to develop Rachel and will merrily enjoy expressing and developing both of me through the rest of my mature years.

Or maybe it's an inevitable path and what the TSs tell is us true, that time is the only difference between a CD and a TS. Not keen on that one but whether it's untrue or whether I'm in denial, I would say that wouldn't I?

(PS I'd love to know what grammatical point you corrected in that post, Kim!)

[Marleena]

Hi Kim, I think it's evolving. Some of us hit a certain point and stay put while others become the woman they were meant to be.

In my case I just recently embraced being a CDer, after fighting and denying it. I think the most common first step after accepting it is going out in public. If that goes well it can progress. The next step is usually dressing 24/7. Realizing you were meant to be a woman and pursuing that is usually the final step. Every person is different.

I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, never have, so I doubt I'll evolve much further. I have a good TG friend here that needs to progress to TS. She needs to progress because it is emotionally painful for her not to. For some the answer is clear.

[Karren H]

I think I've reached the pinnacle of my evolution to a somewhat skillful crossdresser... That's most likely where it stops... My "evolution" has been restricted by external factors which if they did not exist who know where I'd go from here.. I could speculate but that wouldn't do me any good... What's important to me is I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished... In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd have done what I've done.

[*Vanessa*]

I suppose a lot of what you are saying resonates with me also Kim. There are differences of course, but they all seem to fit in that TG cubical nicely.

I have found after spending some time here at CDersDOTcom that there is more to me than I was willing or able to except, know or learn. Stress plays a huge part in this for me. You are somewhat aware of what brought me here and we have shared a few things along the way. But for me it all comes back to stress, maybe tension is a better word, not sure (like the butterfly wiggling out of the cocoon).

My mind has shifted over the past month to one with more peace and wonderment. Yet, like global warming radical changes are eminent now and then. I recognize today that living as female, for me, could have been an enabler so I DID NOT have to do the hard work and transition. Maybe, my Ex (who fully supported me emotionally for 27yr and financial the last 2 years of our marriage) left to help force me to transition.

Note: In both cases here, Transition means partially transition. This is where I am at today. So yes I totally agree we are all on a life journey.

[drag n fly]

Great question, Kim...as and older geez (66), and really just starting out on this journey, I question the ultimate outcome...( croak city, I suppose). But where does this end? I'm wearing a lot of women's clothes out and about..but they are not really girly girl stuff...Jeans, sneakers, cowl necked shirts...(tops)..I have fantasized for years about being castrated and becoming more feminine through hormones, but this is a pipe dream, I suppose...What's great about all this is the mystery of it all...Thanks smooches Jackie

[Barbara Ella]

Kim, although very new to CD ing and the realization of exactly the fact that i was one i think it is moving forward, whatever it is. In my mind, it is the proverbial onion. It has been buried in the ground for a very long time for most of us (lucky youngsters, and I truly mean that) My onion has been fertilized on and off for my life, but I have just recently harvested it. Now, I have no way of knowing what lies at the center, but i am enjoying each layer. I know not where I will end up, but I know I must continue to eat and progress. Coming out later in my life (65 years) I may have a lot of layers to go through, and may never get through them all. But everyone's layers run out when we find the balance. A week ago I was satisfied with just underdressing. Today i went shopping for the first time, more later on that, and I want to present my feminine side as well as enjoy it. Hope the first round of new clothes and shoes will give me inner strength to come out to wife, as I wanted to look good, and not just a man wearing panties.

The key is how each of uses the onion layer to nourish our body and soul, so I cannot label it or say it fits in one category or another, i can just enjoy the meal, and marvel when the next layer is exposed

Babes

[S. Lisa Smith]

I think I've reached the pinnacle of my evolution to a somewhat skillful crossdresser... That's most likely where it stops... My "evolution" has been restricted by external factors which if they did not exist who know where I'd go from here.. I could speculate but that wouldn't do me any good... What's important to me is I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished... In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd have done what I've done. Well said, girlfriend!!! Exactly the way I feel, although I suspect that even without the external factors, I'd be where I am today. I just like being me too much.

[Cynthia Anne]

Evolve may be the right word for me! Progress is in rapid motion! Although I may not live long enough to completely fulfill my dream of being complete, I'm still headed in that direction at a good pace! Hugs!

[sissystephanie]

I am ME, and hopefully always will be!! I have never had any desire to actually be a woman, just a strong desire to dress like one! I have been doing that for the better part of 70 years, and have no desire to change. I underdress almost every day, and outer dress enfemme at least part of most days. but since I wear no makeup or wig now I am definitely a man in feminine clothes. That suits me fine!! My children don't care if I crossdress, as long as I do not wear a skirt or dress around them!!

[kimdl93]

I am ME, and hopefully always will be!! I have never had any desire to actually be a woman, just a strong desire to dress like one! I have been doing that for the better part of 70 years, and have no desire to change. I underdress almost every day, and outer dress enfemme at least part of most days. but since I wear no makeup or wig now I am definitely a man in feminine clothes. That suits me fine!! My children don't care if I crossdress, as long as I do not wear a skirt or dress around them!!

Steph, your comments are particularly interesting because you've had so much expereince. The flip side of my question would be whether I might plateau at some point. I don't mean Plateau in a bad way - but rather that- like you, I may reach a point where I'm fully evolved, fully at ease in my life. It sees that some are there - including Lisa and Karren above.

[sanderlay]

... How does this match up with your experiences, and how do you feel? Are we evolving, emerging or perhaps even creating progression?

Kim...
Thank you for a thought provoking question.

For myself... now that I'm out... I'm in a maturing and evolving stage. I don't just buy clothing for a thrill... but I consider fashion, outfits and accessories that I'll wear while I'm out and about. What I'll wear when I'm working in the yard, going to a movie, just going out doing errands or for the holidays with family and friends.

I see this stage like a young women or man who trying to find the balance... gain experience and push the limits. I need to learn what every young person learns over many years and yet find my own style... my own confidence... my own femininity... and what it all means.

But in all this... without the clothing... there is a freedom that has emerged. I feel free to be myself. I've given myself permission to act in ways that I did not let others see before... or that society might consider feminine mannerisms... and un-manly. This is certainly still evolving as old scrips run through my head saying don't act that way.

But...the clothing... seems to have magical properties to help change me... help me to evolve into the person I feel I must become.

[Nikki A.]

I relate to Gabi's post. I do think of it as an evolution. I've gone further than I thought and do go out dressed with little or no reservations. I have also come out to more people than I ever thought I would. Each step I take takes me to another line to cross. Do I think that I will ever transition, probably not, but with time I think I will be even more comfortable with dressing and eventually let it be known to all that know me. Probably after I retire & I don't need a job (whenever that may be in this economy lol).

[LeaP]

I lean toward the concept of emerging. One reason is that the progression (the concepts are not mutually-exclusive) has followed loosening of lines of constraint. I don't regard that as stimulative and what's emerged is what I previously did closeted anyway. I also get odd confirmations of emergence. I related in several recent posts that I had a period of up-and-down days over the last week or so. One of the insights that came from that was when a depressive reaction started looming after taking a few hits, my desire to dress (even underdressing) disappeared almost instantly, and this after a long period of very sustained dressing. It was the first time I linked depression to suppression directly. I had theorized about the connection in the past, but experiencing it real-time for what it was was an eye-opener. It also made me realize just how completely and deeply things can be suppressed - I literally felt like a different person. It is experiences like this that make me wonder just how far I lean toward the TS end of the spectrum and what makes your comments along these lines resonate, as have recent posts of Anne's.

Lea

[CassieV]

Emerging, I think. I've no desire to permanently leave malehood behind, but I do know that I'm most at peace with myself dressed. It's just the way I was meant to be. Some days I feel more feminine than others, but now that I can be honest with my spouse and myself, my inner female is definitely around more often these days, and she is here to stay.

[Cheryl T]

I'm feeling much the same as Kim. I've always known this was far more than just wearing the clothes for me. I too lean more to being TG and on the sliding scale I'm off on the TS side of center. This being said I have no idea where this is going and currently I'm just along for the ride.
At times I wish I had been born female, but I can't say that I feel I am and should be, therefore I don't see myself as TS.

Too much to consider, too many personal ties and right now I'm just having fun exploring ME and enjoying the freedom I have to express the woman in me.

[Diana Bain]

Kim, great question. Crossdressing for over forty years as I have, I knew Diana was inside me but I didn't understand her until she came out this past April. She is evolving everyday. I have wonderful support of my wife. Where will this lead me...as with life it's a journey.

[Jenny Gurl]

It feels like stepping into a swimming pool a little at a time. First we try on a feminine garment and find that the world keeps turning. We try some makeup and nothing negative happens. Shave our legs, buy some cloths, paint our nails, etc. Each time we feel a desire to act on our feminine feelings and do so with no repercussions, we become more comfortable with our feminine selves. This confidence allows us to be honest with ourselves as to if we wish to become more feminine or if we have progressed to a level we are satisfied with. After all, GG go through the same process, they just don't have the fears of repercussions we have. Some women progress to being a "tom boy" and are satisfied with this. Some evolve all the way to "Girly Girl" status where they go to the salon for feminine treatments often, cloths shopping for all the perfect outfits, and mentally they keep a feminine state of mind where they would rather talk about fashion, the latest dancing with the stars episode, etc. Only you can determine if you are satisfied with the level you have reached, or if you need to continue down the path farther.

[KellyJameson]

I wonder if ones sexuality has something to do with it. How does one keep the masculine fires of desire alive but as a woman ? Does it not have to be one or the other ? This is for me the big mystery. Is there not a point where you relate to the feminine to such a degree that ones sexual interest as a male disappears?

[josee]

I see some evolution in my future. There has deffinately bee evolution in my recent past. Not sure at this point where I will end up. I guess I will take it as far as I need to. Just trying to enjoy the ride right now

[RitaRich]

Kim, you've asked the same question that I've been struggling with. I've just gotten started and am overwhelmed with every step I take. I began this thinking only about wearing women's clothes at home, but I keep wanting more. Every new thing I try to do to look more feminine only increase my desire. Though, I'm not really clear on where the line is between CD and TG, but I think it is one I want to cross. I can't see a day where I will want my boys cut off. (I've spent a lifetime trying to protect them.) I do want to be as much as a woman as can be with the parts I've got.

[PretzelGirl]

Progression, evolve, emerge... I don't think there fundamentally is a difference. All of them just indicate that you are moving at some rate in one direction.

For me, I guess I am still moving. I first went out about 2 years ago and I am still going through some changes although it is leveling off. You almost have to go through some form of movement as you can't go from beginning to end in a day. It is a learning experience.

So who knows where the ride is going. I am just going to enjoy the trip!

[LeaP]

[QUOTE=KellyJameson;2670072]How does one keep the masculine fires of desire alive but as a woman ? ... ones sexual interest as a male .../QUOTE]

I have no idea what this means ... really. My sexual desires are what they are. What does that have to do with how masculine or feminine I am? I suppose you can break it down: sexual target (female/male/both/none), act (intercourse/whatever), presentation from an erotic standpoint, etc. etc. But the only way I can make sense of your comment is to take transition to its logical SRS end, at which point the sexual act necessarily changes. Is that what you mean?

Lea

[AnitaH]

For me it does seem to be a progression. Having only recently acknowledged and accepted this part of me. I have only lately given myself permission to allow Anita to come out without guilt. I don't know where it leads or where it ends. I do know that for many years I dreamed about becoming a woman. Do I still want that? I don't know for sure, I guess I will only find out as time progresses.

AnitaH

[Julie Hall]

Kim, what a thought provoking question.

For me this seems to be evolution at a dizzying pace. When I signed up her I was so full of doubt and trepidation. I knew I liked to wear women's clothing - feeling more comfortable than my male clothes. Only cross dressing for a very small time period I have been swept up in changing emotions. Shortly after joining, I told my mother (80 years old) and she was completely supportive, only desiring my happiness.

I originally thought this was brand new to me but soon realized I had desired to dress and be a girl, off and on for most of my life although I had completely repressed the desires. I now underdress 24/7 where two weeks ago I had never worn a women's garment.

I still don't know how far this will go, like most responses - who knows. Thanks again for starting this dialogue.

[kimdl93]

Progression, evolve, emerge... I don't think there fundamentally is a difference. All of them just indicate that you are moving at some rate in one direction.

For me, I guess I am still moving. I first went out about 2 years ago and I am still going through some changes although it is leveling off. You almost have to go through some form of movement as you can't go from beginning to end in a day. It is a learning experience.

So who knows where the ride is going. I am just going to enjoy the trip!

Actually, I think there is a difference. Emergence, to me suggests that a set of attitudes, needs and desires has always been present, but is being revealed as one ventures forward. Evolving in contrast suggests that while there may have been a base of desires/needs, these have changed or expanded beyond the original levels. I would agree that both terms certainly imply change, and as live progress one is at a different place than when the journey began.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start"
from
"What it's Like" by Everlast

Not everyone will evolve or emerge...... I believe you are what you are... and then everything else is about what you do about it..for the cd, its not very complicated..the urge to dress can be overwhelming, and life choices are about how much you dress, and how you disclose it to others...do you venture outside..etc... not easy choices, and there is alot of discrimination...but having no question about your male identity is a pretty big advantage to having a good quality of life, even if it causes frustration around looking your best en femme

if you have a gender identity different than your assigned sex, all bets are off...think about decisions made at age 5, 7, 10...things your mom and dad or friend may have said, your first date, the first time you heard of transsexuals and realized you weren't crazy...all seared into your memory...
all these things determine how you evolve and many ts people live a life of denial... frankly, this works for many people (until it doesn't) ..."evolving" past crossdressing creates massive life issues that are avoided ...many people reading this thread with interest will have a giant weight dropped into their lives as they realize what a lifetime of dressing really means to them...i know this because it happens like clockwork over and over again..

my hope is that the current state of the internet, the huge amount of info out there, and the slow but steady acceptance of gender diversity will help people into more fulfilling and less complicated lives, and these types of questions will be no different than deciding your career path...hugely important but most not controversial

[jillleanne]

Labels aside (IMO, everyone is transgender ), I find this thread interesting only because I have often thought the same about myself. Often I think, 'just how far am I really going to go?' Like you, being en femme is pretty much a normal day to day activity. I may not be dressed to the nines, but there is something femme about me 24/7, whether it's my painted toes, my heels laying about the house somewhere, the magazines I am reading, my makeup in the bathroom, my jewellry laying about, etc.
I do not feel any identification as a transexual however. I do identify as lesbian though when en femme, and there are times when the idea of full transition do occur, if only in thought/fantasy. There should be a 'trial period' available to people like me, say, 90 days. I have no desire to become a partial female physically.
I'm sure others like myself that has come out of the proverbial closet, show regular signs of progression, evolution and self motivation to continue on this journey. Do I feed my need to continue intentionally? Absolutely. Does one need to be out of the closet to do this? No, of course not. That's how I got out of the closet to begin with.
It's also much easier to expresss oneself when you are out and about. It's also easier to progress, evolve, or intentionally nudge oneself when you totally accept who you are. When you reach that point, there are no more questions about why do I do it, but rather one begins to create their own identity if you will, of who they want to become. The fetish part of who we are disappears totally.
Once I accepted myself, and more so again, when my s/o felt the same way, I was able to begin designing who I am as a gender enhanced person. I not only began shopping for clothing that fit and looked good, I bought clothes that fit into todays' day-to-day society. I took my makeup seriously and developed a look that takes me 2 minutes to complete now. I have ugly femme footwear that is necessitated by function, and I have all the super femme stuff also for the occasion as deemed necessary. I have the fine clothing/outerware and the stuff for in the garden as well. What I am saying is that after acceptance comes reality. And for me, with that reality comes progression. Where will it stop? Will it stop? No idea really and don't care. I'm just here for the ride.
Kim, I think you have done the same as me; it's not that you have not allowed yourself to express yourself, but rather not accepted who you are at the time. Do not think you have repressed anything, you haven't. You just hadn't accepted yourself until recently and that acceptance has given you the freedom to continue on your journey at whatever speed you choose.

[KrystalA]

Yes, I feel pretty much the same way as you, Kim. I find myself feeling more and more feminine as time passes, and I consider myself crossgendered. I have no problem with feeling this way, and my SO (wonderful woman that she is) is perfectly comfortable with my 'evolution' toward femininity.

[elizabethamy]

This is such an important conversation. I think constantly about my dressing, how far it will go, why I always want more -- more clothes, a better wig, makeup, jewelry, etc...plus more and more acceptance from my somewhat amazed and stunned wife. It's all new to her, and it's quite close to new to me. Reading all these forums and websites makes one think that the progression toward fully living as a woman -- which I think right now I don't want or need to do -- is somehow inevitable. What my wife has read suggests similarly. I love my clothes and my dressing and my shopping, but not to the exclusion of the rest of my life, yet it somehow seems that it's taking over...I would love to know how far it's going to take me and when and how it will "level off," as someone said. Are we all destined to transition as far as we practically can, even if we don't feel in control of the "process?" Why is it a "process"?

[kimdl93]

...I would love to know how far it's going to take me and when and how it will "level off," as someone said. Are we all destined to transition as far as we practically can, even if we don't feel in control of the "process?" Why is it a "process"?

I think there are enough CDrs on this site to make a fairly safe assertion that progression to full time or transition are NOT inevitable outcomes for every CDr - or even for most. And as I am sure Stephanie will point out, we are creatures of free will. If we chose to, we can stop at whatever point is satisfactory to ourselves and our lives.

As for the question about why is it a process - well, think of live as a proces of discovery. You learn things about yourself with each new experience, and bring those learnings to bear upon your life. Discovering that one enjoys wearing women's clothing can be seen as a milestone along the way...what you do when you reach that milestone becomes another step in the process. Again, its not an inevitability. There are lots of us who are at different places...some underdress, some go full femme; some are deeply closeted and others are open with family, friends and employers. There isn't a right or wrong, nor an absolute.

I hope you both are able to feel that you can be in control, and not only that but that you can both enjoy the experience as many other couples here have done. The fact that she's increasingly accepting suggests that she can also gain from those other positive experiences.

[Jorja]

Kim,
I think many CD’s do tend to evolve and progress as they age. Many have known for a long time about their feminine side but for one reason or another (family, job, other expectations, just plain scared) manage to stifle the desire until later in life.

When they do start to dress it is such a release for them. They enjoy being pretty for a change. As you might admit, it can be very intoxicating and addicting. It spurs them on to the next opportunity.

From my own experience and what I have observed, when a CDer first starts to dress (not all but most) they tend to dress more like a young 14, 15, 16 year old girls. Eventually their mental image catches up with their physical image and the desire to dress and blend in becomes more apparent. The more one blends in the easier it becomes to want to dress all the time. So yes, I do believe CD’s evolve and progress. I also believe it is possible for one to reach a plateau and balance male and female self into a happy co-existance.

As for being transgendered or transsexual, I would leave that to people more qualified than me to figure out. Maybe speaking with a therapist with trans experience would be a good thing for you to explore.

[Johnnifer]

I thought I just posted? maybe I forgot to hit send as I cannot see it let me try again.

My feelings definately evolve and emerged over time.

As a teen I tried dressing and felt it did nothing for me as I felt neither arousal or a revelation of inner self, the two things CDing was supposed to do (or so I thought). My third day my mom caught me and I repressed it.

Years later TG feelings drifted male and opened up attraction to men and CD's as well as to women, I tried dressing when I could and found it supports and allows me to express my feminine side more than anything else. But I still have exploration of myself I have yet to do and alot of repression.

[michelle50]

i am emerging more since joining the group