Bitter Sweet - Meltdown with wife

[abigailf]

In a previous post I indicated I was interrupted by my wife. I did not elaborate in that post as it was a different topic. However, a meltdown ensued and here is why.

Many of you are probably aware of my situation at home; married, kids, transitioning. It is not a good blend. A recent thread about being the 2nd or 3rd worse thing to happen to someone really hits the mark. I suppose if I was not married, had no kids, friends or a life, that ranking would be much different. But I have those things so this is my horror. Heck, it may even be the 1st.

I keep moving on this train I call transitioning. There is an ultimate end to it and with many stops along the way. Everyone I know and love is also on this train with me. Everything inside of me tells me to stay on the train and take it to the end of the line. My conscience says otherwise; “get off now, the sooner you do the better for everyone else on the train.” The question is who will stay with me to the end and who will not. I know they will all get off with me at the next stop. But as each stop passes, there is a less chance of them staying on.

Well, the only other passengers that are of my biggest concern are my wife and kids. The conflict with my wife is, she is taking the ride hoping that I will get off soon. Hoping that the next stop is it. She does not know if she can last past the next stop. She knows where the train leads and she does not like it. Knowing which stop I would eventually get off would be a big relief for her. But alas I cannot tell her, I do not know. I cannot say other than to say the end of the line. She pleads for me to get off. I want to, I really do, but I just can’t. I cannot go back, I cannot function like that, I will not propagate the lie to myself and the people I love. They deserve better, I deserve better.

The next stop comes I struggle to get off and it goes by, she still stays on.

I really admire this woman. She is brave, strong and courageous and are only a few of the reasons why I married her. But she cannot continue to do this alone. In the more than two years she has known and been dealing with this she has not even attempted to seek help, support or even research how others deal with it.

Lately, she has been suffering pains, eye twitching and numbing in her limbs. I know it is the stress, but I convince her to see her doctor anyway. She always does what the doctors tell her and even though I have been telling her to seek counseling for awhile now, she still has not done it.

Now, the irony here is we both see the same doctor. Actually, I used to see a male doctor in the practice and she saw a female. However, my male doctor had left for health reasons, so I started to see the female last year. I saw her again yesterday for my physical and of course I informed her about my transitioning and the meds I am on.

So, low and behold my wife goes to see her today for what ends up being stress related. No surprise there. The doctor said my wife had been on her mind since yesterday. Can you spell guilt?

So, the doctor told her to seek counseling and to report back in three weeks. I am so happy that she is finally doing this. I am not sure what it will spell for our relationship, but it is necessary. I pretty much pointed out to her that we are going to have to redefine our relationship and even if that means the end of our marriage. We cried some more.

The only reason we both hurt so much is because we are so in love with each other. You would think that if I truly loved her that I could contain this, that I could stop what I am doing and be the man that she married. But it is just not that easy. My first duty is to provide for my family and I cannot do that if I am a blubbering idiot; which is what I was and still am to some degree, but it gets better with each stop that passes and I’m still on the train. I will always provide for her, that was and still is my vow to her. Even if we aren’t married I would still honor that vow.

We both talked today and had a good cry. Things are really starting to come to a head and I suspect (and pointed out to her) that this head could last awhile and will only get worse before it gets better.

I have not come out to the masses yet, but I suspect that will happen soon (2012). This frightens her a lot. It frightens me. Her biggest fear is people finding out about my “dreadful” condition. Don’t get me wrong. I am trans and proud of it, but the thing that causes me to be that way is dreadful. But I have already come to terms with it and will accept all that is good and bad about it.

We both still hold out hope that I won’t need to transition fully, but what exactly that means I don’t know. We also hope that she will learn to come to terms with who I am. In the end, I think we both realize that we are just fooling ourselves and that as much love as there is, we are just going through the motions. Today is likely the day that is the beginning of the end of our marriage.

I it was a bitter sweet day.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

things change...your comment about how you can't lie anymore rings very true...your added comment that they deserve better shows alot of wisdom..

you are doing your best, it seems your wife is doing her best...your kids will benefit from the way you are handling this.. trust me, you are not destroying their lives or hurting them in any way as long as you fulfill your duties as their father.. so many of my friends have kids...and the ones that DIDNT transition, or were back and forth are the ones with the bigger problems in my experience..

If you determine that you are a woman, and proceed with transition, there will be lots of ups and downs, but based just on your posts, you seem to have your thoughts in the right place...you are steeling for the inevitable possibility of your wife leaving you....frankly that is her call

My kids found out when they were 14 and 11 ..both girls...3+ years later, they are thriving and happy..their dad is a girl..thats it..no biggie.....it took time...it took incredible courage on their part, but in the end, i'm a good dad... and they know it...

once they realized dad was still there for them...the skies opened...and even my ex wife became much more open to my life and we are close friends, raising our kids together..

lots of good things can happen if you are patient and kind...

btw..i live in nj too..

[brenda b smith]

that really hurts. sorry your going thru such a tough time . im not a counselor but i do understand from reading your post and your in my prayers

[PaulaAnn]

Hello Abigail; Reading your words just ripped the heart out of me and put me in tears ....I'm in the same situation as you .I've been married 40 years and told my wife I was both gay and transgendered.
All I can do is offer my support and best wishes to you ...you aren't alone ...hang in there hon.
Paula.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Abby,

If you love her, let her go. Really. You are torturing her.

Transition is very often harder on your loved ones then on you.

Her therapist is going to tell her to leave you. She IS going to leave you. She is not a lesbian and you are going to become a woman.

Tell her the truth.

S

[patti.jean]

Abigail,

Thanks so much for sharing. I know it was at least a couple of years ago when we met at the time it seemed your wife was very supportive. But as you well know things change for us and the people around us. I would realy like to see you find a place with your family yet this will not be easy. I just want you to know my thougts are with you and your family.

Huggs, Patti

[Koka]

Certainly I am glad we have each other to help us go through our difficulties and fears. Abigail, I am so proud of your courage. Your story is so similar to mine. I am also here for my family and regardless of gender, we are always going to be the father of our children and the ex husband of our ex wives. You are doing the best you can within your own limitations and fears and that says a lot about you. Keep doing what you are doing, stick to the truth and your lovely and courageous wife and your children will be safe and fine. Always keep the communication open, it is very important and when you need a shoulder to cry, we will be here to offer it to you.
I wish you peace and love.

[RACH99]

Thank you for sharing. My heart aches for you and your family. Your story is ,for many GGs, their biggest fear... That some day they will find that they are married to a transitioning TS. And that they have become more of a sister/friend/companion and will no longer be a wife/lover. I wish you all the best. You and yours are on my mind and in my prayers.

[sandra-leigh]

Sometimes things get better. Not always, but sometimes.

A small number of years ago it looked very much like the end of my relationship with my SO -- as in we got as far as deciding to separate. CD'ing was not the direct cause, but it didn't help matters.

Now... we're fairly stable. I cannot say what the future will hold, and I will be honest that some of the typical aspects of relationships are not very strong with us. Some significant stressors are coming down the pipes for us (one on my side, one on hers), so we will be put to the test again. What I can say is that so-far we have survived problems that drive the majority of couples apart.

Things can change, and the change won't always be what one might have preferred, but sometimes the two sides adapt and find a way. Things might never be "like they used to be", but they might go "well enough" to keep going.

You might remember what Ann Landers used to ask, "Are you better with them or without them?" Sometimes life together might no longer be "beautiful", but sometimes the result is still better than life apart.

I thus recommend that instead of thinking about today being "the beginning of the end", that you consider it to be "the beginning of a new phase in your relationship". If you keep thinking of it as "the end of the relationship", then it will surely end up that way, but if you view it as change in the relationship instead, then you are in a better head-space for keeping things going.

[Inna]

I know from what you write that love of truth is the only love there is! I also feel for you girl, knowing how pain infiltrates and twists our souls when faced with the choice of truth and hurt and on the other hand choice of deceit and comfortable numbness.
Truth is the only salvation through which love shall spring back to life or perhaps shall arise truly for the first time in this life.
Listen to your heart, and it seams you already are doing it, our minds look for our gain and comfort where our hearts speak the truth and keep us on the path towards self!

All the love to you girl and your loved ones, Inna

[*Vanessa*]

.
Life can be so brutal, how many more need to go through this before there is acceptance.

I wish you the best Abigail

[Kaitlyn Michele]

abigail...i know i already posted but I wanted you to know that i really feel for you and your family.....so much so that i was thinking of you all night..
i have been through it and like i said, based on the way you talk about it, i am certain you guys will end up in a good place

[abigailf]

All I can say (with a tear in my eye) is thank you all so much for your support and wisdom. I knew I would feel better about this after reading your posts.


... I know it was at least a couple of years ago when we met ...

OMG Patti! I'll never forget that. Dinner with you and your wife was my first time out with someone (anyone), first time to dinner, and first time I interacted with other people as Abigail. I remember that feeling, leaving the hotel, driving to meet you. It was all so new and exhilarating. I am not sure what I thought about my future then, but I am sure I did not think I would be where I am today.
Thanks for giving a girl her start :)

[abigailf]

My kids found out when they were 14 and 11 ..both girls...3+ years later, they are thriving and happy..their dad is a girl..thats it..no biggie.....it took time...it took incredible courage on their part, but in the end, i'm a good dad... and they know it...

btw..i live in nj too..

Kaitlyn, Your response really hit home. My kids, both girls are 11 and 13 now. They know that daddy is a girl but the oldest thinks it is a phase. They do not know all the technical stuff behind it and I am not sure if it is time to tell them that. I think we do need to have a discussion with them at least my oldest. They need to know it is likely not a phase.

Thanks,

[Julia_in_Pa]

Abigail,

I lost everyone when I transitioned.

My family, spouse, friends all went away.

The only thing that is different here is that you have children.

My wife finally accepted the fact that I had to transition when I showed her the handgun I bought to kill myself with if I didn't transition.

There isn't one day that goes by that I don't long for my Becky's kiss, her touch and to hear her say "I love you". I love her madly.

You see Abigail it was a lose lose situation.

Don't transition and have her find my dead body or transition and lose her and everyone else.

That was and will always be the most difficult and gut wrenching decision I would ever make in my life.

Now five years later I love her from a distance.

I built a chapel in her heart but I have no where to worship her now so I do so in my mind.

God bless you and your family Abigail.


Julia

[Sara Jessica]

Abigail (or do you go by Abby?), your tale touches very close to home for me. The variations on the train analogy are applicable on so many levels. I have many thoughts to share in reply, perhaps some of it might come across as being about me as I inject myself into the analogies and situations you have crafted. But at the end of the day, there are so many parallels in our situations that if nothing is helpful in my words, perhaps you will find at least some solace in recognizing a kindred spirit.


Many of you are probably aware of my situation at home; married, kids, transitioning. It is not a good blend. A recent thread about being the 2nd or 3rd worse thing to happen to someone really hits the mark. I suppose if I was not married, had no kids, friends or a life, that ranking would be much different. But I have those things so this is my horror. Heck, it may even be the 1st.

Yep, this is the easy parallel. Married? Check. Kids? Check. Transitioning? Che.... wait a second. Is this applicable to my situation???

Technically, I guess it is even though I've never thought of it in those terms. Doesn't transition mean getting your letter, starting hormones, presenting full time as your true gender??? But what does it take to get to this point? It's not best to simply flip a switch. There is much prep to be had. Facial hair clearance. Perhaps growing out your hair so that wigs are not necessary. Going through the emotional pangs that come with attempting to maintain a relationship through all of this.


I keep moving on this train I call transitioning. There is an ultimate end to it and with many stops along the way. Everyone I know and love is also on this train with me. ...Well, the only other passengers that are of my biggest concern are my wife and kids.

Yes, I guess I am transitioning as well. Or maybe I'm transitioning towards maybe transitioning someday. Gosh knows my wife is well aware of my physical and emotional changes of late. And I keep telling myself (& my wife) that I know I'll get off the train much sooner than you might do so. And I hope that my family is still onboard do depart with me.


The conflict with my wife is, she is taking the ride hoping that I will get off soon. Hoping that the next stop is it. She does not know if she can last past the next stop. She knows where the train leads and she does not like it. Knowing which stop I would eventually get off would be a big relief for her. But alas I cannot tell her, I do not know. I cannot say other than to say the end of the line. She pleads for me to get off. I want to, I really do, but I just can’t. I cannot go back, I cannot function like that, I will not propagate the lie to myself and the people I love. They deserve better, I deserve better.

I can totally understand where your wife is with this whole thing because pretty much everything you describe in her also applies to my wonderful wife.


I really admire this woman. She is brave, strong and courageous and are only a few of the reasons why I married her. But she cannot continue to do this alone. In the more than two years she has known and been dealing with this she has not even attempted to seek help, support or even research how others deal with it.

While you describe her struggle in the two years since she has known, mine has had the same struggle for over 20 years. And like your wife, she has not attempted to seek help, support or research as to how others are dealing with it. As I have said before, she chooses to suffer in silence.


Lately, she has been suffering pains, eye twitching and numbing in her limbs. I know it is the stress, but I convince her to see her doctor anyway. She always does what the doctors tell her and even though I have been telling her to seek counseling for awhile now, she still has not done it.

Mine too has had physical manifestations of the stress that these TG issues cause her.


The only reason we both hurt so much is because we are so in love with each other. You would think that if I truly loved her that I could contain this, that I could stop what I am doing and be the man that she married. But it is just not that easy. My first duty is to provide for my family and I cannot do that if I am a blubbering idiot; which is what I was and still am to some degree, but it gets better with each stop that passes and I’m still on the train. I will always provide for her, that was and still is my vow to her. Even if we aren’t married I would still honor that vow.

It is so hard for some people to understand why some of us hold on so tightly to these relationships. This TG thing may be bigger than an individual but it's not always stronger than love. The love we have for our spouses, for our children, sometimes has the capacity to win out over a daunting foe such as the TG experience. Sadly, it is often that love cannot win out, whether for one or both partners. There is no shame or failure in this, it is what it is.


I have not come out to the masses yet, but I suspect that will happen soon (2012). This frightens her a lot. It frightens me. Her biggest fear is people finding out about my “dreadful” condition. Don’t get me wrong. I am trans and proud of it, but the thing that causes me to be that way is dreadful. But I have already come to terms with it and will accept all that is good and bad about it.

Ahhh yes, the "what would the neighbors think?" feelings. Very valid but like you said, we have lived with this thing and have taken measured steps to come to terms with it to the point where perhaps we don't care so much what the neighbors would think. But short of our SO's coming to terms with it themselves to a point where there is no shame (or at least where there is a significant understanding), it makes sense that they feel this way.


We both still hold out hope that I won’t need to transition fully, but what exactly that means I don’t know. We also hope that she will learn to come to terms with who I am. In the end, I think we both realize that we are just fooling ourselves and that as much love as there is, we are just going through the motions. Today is likely the day that is the beginning of the end of our marriage.

The last sentence makes me sad. I have felt that way as well. I wish you both the best as you deal with these things. At the end of the day, it may take getting off the train earlier than you wish to save your marriage. It takes a very unique woman to ride it to the end of the tracks, yet she is no less special if she is unable to do so. Many, perhaps most, cannot.

[arbon]

Like a lot of others I relate to what you are going through, and really feel for you. I'm glad you were able to share what you are going through here. Me and my wife have been working our way through this for a few years now, our relationship is very different then what it used to be, and even though the process has been very painful at times it is not all bad. We are still best friends and are still good parents. We get along great, even if we are not really husband wife anymore and all the sexual attraction is gone. But we both realize we may need to let go of each some day. Something Kaitlyn said is very true, how you and your wife handle it is going to make a big difference in how your kids deal with it. If it is treated as something bad, and dreadful, then that is the way they will likely look at it to.

[Kelsy]

Abigail ,

I think your head is in the right place. It is neccessary to assess you relationships and and once you have decided to see this journey through
you must try to bring as many of your loved ones along with you. In all reality some will not go. If you can accept that and you are strong enough
to bear the pain you'll survive. My wife rolls with the changes and she adjusts and adapts But there is an underlying agreement between us that if this ever gets to be more than she can handle then she has the right to go I will love her non-the-less and she me. We all have had losses, heart breaking losses but then there are the surprises and the little victories!\ and the freedom. At the very least you will see what you are made of and others aswell.This is a bitter sweet journey. I wish you and your family only good things.

Kelsy

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have read everyone's responses and I understand most points of view but for the life of me I don't get your last sentence in your original post that "Today is likely the day that is the beginning of the end of our marriage. I it was a bitter sweet day."

What do you find so "Sweet" about ending a marriage from a loving wife and children?

Maybe everyone else is going to beat the crap out of me for stating this but having gone though this process with my loving devoted wife and child has NOT been sweet in any fashion. Even though my wife has accepted that we are now a lesbian couple, we cried oceans of tears through my transition.

So "Bitter Sweet" seems so insensitive and cold. NOW I need to go and hide behind a barrier while everyone throws stones at me.

[KellyJameson]

I have been following this thread closely but from an emotional distance so I do not become a train wreck
because I know very well what it is like to lose everybody to save yourself and the guilt that comes from sacrificing innocent victims of forces they are not responsible for to escape pain that we are not responsible for but yet hold ourselves responsible for.

To Tracie, No need for stones just watch the movie Sophie's Choice for an example of bitter sweet.

Abigail: Children are amazingly resilient if they know in their hearts that they are valued for who they are and not what they do. The only constant is change and much of life is being buffeted by these winds of change. Keep your heart open, do not accept attacks on your person, set limits but also give forgiveness because the essence of love is acceptance conditioned on respect for life and this must extend in all directions toward others and inward as an act of self love.

Love is a dance between us and the whole of the world and must be all inclusive but before you can truly love others you must love yourself by removing those obstacles that prevent it including being what you are not by becoming what you were born to be. It is not selfish to want to live and to live we must breath but if we are drowning in lies how is this possible?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Traci, why?

You are not consistent in your posts...All the time you talk about how great everything is for you...you just all over posts that express sadness and loss
you and your wife are best friends...there is a sweetness in that...the rivers of tears also held hope ..

all of sudden you flip out on a person that seems very cleared headed, caring , sad and hopeful at the same time..

If you want to give credible and meaningful advice and support, then you have to start by being credible..if you don't, then you are just being a jerk
(if there was a smilie for stone throwing, i would insert it here)

[abigailf]

Let me just say, thank you again for all your input and well wishing.

I do not get offended by posts (or words) whether malicious in intend or not. I have taken to heart my Plato learning's and am thankful for that sensibility. Of course, I don't always follow them, but that is another story.

Julia: Your case sounds like a really high price for survival. I can related I see it as a worse case that I am preparing myself for. I too felt that if I don't change something that I will not be around for much longer. Not by my own hand mind you, but rather just being rotted out from the inside. Suicide isn't something I ponder other then maybe a fleeting thought as a possibility. So no worries there. I thrive on tough challenges and that will be the strength that gets me through this. A part of me is really looking forward to what the next day will bring and I will accept it for both its good and bad. I'm sure you heard the saying, "I can't wait until tomorrow because I get better looking everyday :)"

Traci: I don't believe you were being malicious but just looking in from a different perspective.

My point was: the bitter is the realization by both of us that our marriage has a small chance of lasting through this. The sweet is the realization by both of us that our marriage has a small chance of lasting through this. Also, the sweet is my wife realizes she needs to find support outside of the family.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Traci, why?

If you want to give credible and meaningful advice and support, then you have to start by being credible..if you don't, then you are just being a jerk
(if there was a smilie for stone throwing, i would insert it here)

Well now differences of opinions warrant name calling. Bravo.

I have been very consistent in my posts. Yes my wife and I are very very close and deeply in love and yes we do live a wonderful life together. But like all loving spouses, when your mate is no longer their, you grieve. And yes, my wife grieved at the loss of her male husband in the same way one would grieve for the death of a spouse. We shared many tears and eventually all existence of the male she married disappeared forever.

But from that sorrow, a Phoenix arose from the ashes in the form of a female named Traci. My wife has found an even deeper love for Traci. And we BOTH are happier than we ever where in the past. And yes we once had a very intimate heterosexual love for each other. Now to both our surprises we have an even deeper intimate homosexual relationship.

So Kaitlyn despite your inferences, I have always been constant in my posts and my wife and I are happier than we have ever been in the past when we loved each other more than I ever thought possible. So love can survive and flourish. Obviously, yours did not and your point of reference is from your failed marriage. I am not saying that you are happier now or not. I have no idea.

I am still in disbelief that when one ports how deeply they are in love with their spouse and it is equally felt both ways, how that person can then turn around and rejoice in the end of a loving marriage. Those are two mutually exclusive emotions.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Traci: I don't believe you were being malicious but just looking in from a different perspective.

My point was: the bitter is the realization by both of us that our marriage has a small chance of lasting through this. The sweet is the realization by both of us that our marriage has a small chance of lasting through this. Also, the sweet is my wife realizes she needs to find support outside of the family.

I did miss that was the point that you were making, So I salute both of you for trying to rebirth you marriage and love from a glittering candle flame.

[kristinacd55]

Aww Abigail, so sorry to hear but I'm sure you'll come through it.....hang in there sweetie!
Hugs,
Kristina

[patti.jean]

OMG Patti! I'll never forget that.

I am so glad that we met; you did seem so much like yourself that night. Like being Abigail was something you where meant to be. It was great to see how natural you felt being out. I also know what you feel can not be changed. I only hope there is someway you can keep the family you love in your life and be who you are.

Huggs, Patti