Concern for my wife

[rebekkadg]

OK, I have only been actively crossdressing for a little while. Tried some stuff on and fantasized for years but only gotten active crossdressing recently and it is an open floodgate now to learn and do as much feminine as I can. My wife knows of my habits and she has had some difficult times with it---she says she is jealous of the fact I look better than her dressed up but it is of course more than that.

We are taking things slow, I will avoid being completely dressed around her, I will walk around in pantyhose or with a bra or heels in the house but no makeup or clothes beyond that, and she seems to be able to take that well, as well as seeing me do things like shave my legs and asking to hear my latest recordings of me working on my fem voice. She even bought me a skirt (which I dont' have the heart to tell her just isn't my taste) and we do some makeup shopping together. So she seems to be adjusting.

Still I am very concerned about her. My desires to do things and interest in fem things seems to at times be overwealming. I am wanting to be dressed up as much as I can but have to work to find time when I have the house to myself for her sake. If things keep progressing with me I worry about how uncomfortable it will become for her no matter how much I try to keep things private from her. She asks questions and does get involved in some aspects of what I do like shopping and I worry about whether she will feel she isn't dealing with the man she married but with Rebecca and how that will impact her.

I know there are some who say just take it as it comes but I can't help but worry. What I do isn't impacting just me, it is impacting her too, and I want to keep pushing forward (not sure how far I'll figure that out when I get there). So I am trying to think of new ways of making this easier for her other than simply "taking it slow".

I'm not sure if a therapist would do me any good on my own personal issues (got a lot of personal concerns myself but think working it through myself is the best for those) but I was wondering if one might help with the issues that it brings to the relationship. Further there aren't any recommended therapists for transgender issues anywhere within a 100 miles of us so it would be a major trip to find one.

So, does anyone on here have any personal experiences having all this concern without anything bad have happened yet? How did you deal with them all that worked or didn't work?

Rebecca

[Jessica86]

I think that if she gets involved in ANY way, she is at least a little accepting of what you do. With that aside, lets not forget you wife did marry a man. Think of all sides, and even talk with her about it openly. Ask her what she thinks. You just might be surprised. Remember, relationships are about compromise. If you take care of each other, nothing can stop you.

[retrofitme]

From your post, I gather that CDing is relatively new to both of you. Taking things slowly is a good mindset, these things require patience and time. People don't usually reject to change, but rather the rate of change.

For me, personally, I don't see myself as a different person. Rather, I am discovering new facets of my personality. For others, it is different though.

Since you're thinking about therapy already, it's probably a great idea for you personally as well as your spouse. Improving your mental well-being can only serve to improve your marriage. You don't necessarily need a gender therapist if one is not readily available. A general therapists can help with any communication and emotional issues regardless of the underlying issues.

[NicoleScott]

Hi Rebecca
I'm not sure I can help much, but keep checking back - others have been there and may have experiences closer to yours than I do. Anyway -
When my first wife found out about my cd-ing, upon her insistance I agreed to go with her to counseling. Our mistake was not agreeing on the objectve of the counseling. We didn't even discuss an objective - we just went. Her objective, it turns out, was to get me to stop crossdressing, Mine, it turns out, was to get her to accept my cd-ing. Doomed to fail, and it did. She simply couldn't be married to a crossdresser, and we divorced.
My current wife knows, accepts, supports, and even encourages, but doesn't participate. That's fine with me, as it is a personal thing. When we first discussed my crossdressing, it was when the subject came up on a TV show or magazine article she was reading (I forget which). I opened up as she asked if I ever did it (yes) and still wanted to (yes) so do it (OK!). We discussed the typical questions (gay? no......want to be a woman? no ...etc.).
Here's where we may be different: I know what drove my dressing and where it was going, and leveled with her about every conceivable aspect of my crossdressing. It sounds like you don't know where your crossdressing is going, so you can't answer that question. But you know where you are now and you can let her in on that. Also, my wife, through our discussions and my subsequent actions, knows that I am squarely a regular guy with normal male interests, but just like to dress up occasionally. I'm still her man, and never gave her reason to think I wouldn't be.
Many cd's with somewhat-accepting-but-not-totally-approving wives have managed to agree to some reasonable boundaries. Note that I said "agree". Some wives simply tell the cd what the boundaries are, and that may not work for the cd. Some wives accept but don't want to see it. There's usually some room for negotiation (but not always - some, like my ex, just can't be married to a cd). It does neither partner to make promises they can't keep ("OK, I'll quit, I don't want a divorce").
It's working for us. Of course, our marriage isn't perfect, but cd-ing isn't an issue - never was - don't expect it to be. I think it's working because:
1) it's just occasional dressup
2) it's kept private
3) I'm still her man
4) she's not threatened in any way by my cd-ing

Actually, she's rather indifferent about it, as she is about my hunting and fishing.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Best wishes.

[docrobbysherry]

Bekka, stop worrying needlessly! Show your post to your wife! And, continue to let her know your desires AND fears involving her! We CAN'T help u as well as u can help yourself!

U MUST work out a REALISTIC compromise/schedule that works for BOTH OF U! Or in the long run, your marriage may be doomed!

An experienced couples therapist will probably deal with how u both must work with each other, rather than making value judgments on your dressing! U mite find one of those close by!

I wish u all the best! U sound very reasonable and considerate! If your SO is the same, u may make it together!

[Karren H]

Sounds to me that acceptance isn't the big issue but its her overall emotional and mental stability? I've heard my wife say "that's about all I can take" a lot of times when things pile up on her... Not just my crossdressing but home and kids and just life... Taking someone who has got all they can handle just dealing with life as we know it and throwing this on top... Has to push her to the "overwhelmed" and beyond.... And can't be good long term... Not all people can take what ever you throw at them and keep going. Your secret becomes her secret and pulls her into a closet of her own... Imho. Not able to talk or vent to anyone she knows... Other than you... If this be the case then I think you need to seek out professional help before the damage becomes too great to repair. For both of you.

[Barbara Ella]

Words of wisdom here for sure, rebecca. As stated. Keep lines of communication open, and try to understand what each partner wants when undertaking any decision. Keep her happiness at the forefront, after all, you are the one who changed the family situation, but always let her know that you have some special needs now that should be discussed and considered. COMMUNICATE. dont assume something, discuss it. I say this because I have been reading all posts related to the SO knowing, as I will be outing to my wife within the week. We will see how well I do. Going slow is better than not going at all.

Babes

[kimdl93]

Being concerned for her is not the same as communicating with her. If you're unwilling or unable to engage a couples therapist, then more open communication will be the key. But please do your homework and be prepared to answer difficult questions. And prepare yourself to ask questions of her as well...get to know how she's feeling, not just about your cross dressing, but about all aspects of your life. Find out where she has concerns, not just about CDing but about other challenges she faces, and ask what she needs and how you can best meet those needs.

But don't do this just one time, then say - OK - that's settled. Make it a regular thing. The more willing you are to explore her feelings and concerns, the less likely that issues will build up into major problems.

[ReineD]

I have some thoughts on a few things you've written, so I'll comment on them one by one. I'm afraid this may be rather blunt, but please take it in the spirit I intend, which is to help your relationship.


My wife knows of my habits and she has had some difficult times with it---she says she is jealous of the fact I look better than her dressed up but it is of course more than that.

Obviously, I don't know your wife. But I have a great deal of experience with many wives and girlfriends of CDers. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that your wife is jealous or that she feels her femininity is threatened. There are several instances where a wife might say something like this, but you need to read between the lines. I'll illustrate a few instances:

1. She has her own low self-esteem and poor body image (for example she may not be happy with her weight, her age, certain body features). If this is the case, she would not enjoy standing next to anyone who is slimmer, taller, or has more proportioned legs than she does, whether it is another GG, or you dressed like one. In other words, it is not about you, it is about her own feelings about herself.

2. Being new to this, she knows it does not feel comfortable to see you dressed, but she hasn't yet developed the awareness or the language to articulate what exactly bothers her. I'll touch on the things that bother most wives at the end of this post.

3. She does not want to share her role as "the" woman in your relationship, which is natural for heterosexual GGs. In other words, she wants to be married to a guy who wants to be a guy, and it will take her a while before she can understand what the CDing is about for you.

4. She is trying to spare your feelings and is afraid to say that she is turned off by this. Or, depending on your relationship dynamics, like many women she may have a hard time speaking out if she feels you will not like what she has to say.

5. She's fundamentally OK with the CDing, and she's giving you a genuine compliment in a joking manner.

There are other instances where a wife might say she is jealous, but I think I've touched on the main ones.



We are taking things slow, I will avoid being completely dressed around her, I will walk around in pantyhose or with a bra or heels in the house but no makeup or clothes beyond that, and she seems to be able to take that well, as well as seeing me do things like shave my legs and asking to hear my latest recordings of me working on my fem voice. She even bought me a skirt (which I dont' have the heart to tell her just isn't my taste) and we do some makeup shopping together. So she seems to be adjusting.

Usually, wives are OK with the clothes first (such as a skirt & blouse) since it is more difficult to see their husbands change their customary appearance with wigs, makeup, forms, etc. Also the shaving is usually one of the last things that wives are comfortable with, unless the husband is a cyclist or something and has been doing this for years. And unless the two of you have been using the dressing-up in the bedroom for fun and kink, usually wives have a hard time seeing their husbands in a bra (especially with forms), since this is way beyond what most wives think the CDing is all about. Hearing her husband in a different voice is the very LAST thing that most wives are OK with, even when their husbands are transitioned TSs.

Unless your wife is way more OK with the CDing than you believe, it sounds to me as if she is not sharing with you how she truly feels.



Still I am very concerned about her. My desires to do things and interest in fem things seems to at times be overwealming. I am wanting to be dressed up as much as I can but have to work to find time when I have the house to myself for her sake. If things keep progressing with me I worry about how uncomfortable it will become for her no matter how much I try to keep things private from her.

...

I know there are some who say just take it as it comes but I can't help but worry. What I do isn't impacting just me, it is impacting her too, and I want to keep pushing forward (not sure how far I'll figure that out when I get there). So I am trying to think of new ways of making this easier for her other than simply "taking it slow".

You clothe your words with concerns for her, but I read mostly an impatience with going full speed ahead. I think your bell has rung. It sounds as if you want her to be OK with this so that YOU can dress as much as you want to. Please take some time for honest introspection and think about this, if your marriage and your wife are important to you.

The kinds of things that bother most wives:
On second thought, there is way too much to type in this post (which is long enough already), but instead maybe you could read a pretty realistic (although condensed) scenario that I typed up a while back to illustrate a husband who goes from point zero dressing, to being out and about in public. I do want to mention that the wife in my scenario is pretty accepting (as I was), so you can fill in the blanks with how you think most wives might react. Also, this scenario does not take into account any feelings of insecurity a wife may already have, either because of the way she was raised or any other unresolved, non-CDing issues there are in her marriage:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?106619-If-we-GG-s-could-say-anything-The-good-and-the-Bad&p=2426835&viewfull=1#post2426835

[JamieG]

I agree with most of what's been said by previous posters, in particular:

1) You need to communicate with her. If you feel she's not being completely open about her feelings, convince her to be forthright with you.

2) If you are truly concerned with her feelings, then you need to let her set the pace, rather than try to speed her along. If you don't know what "her pace" is, then taking it slow is for the best. Make sure she knows that she can ask you to hit the brakes at any time.

I wish both of you all the best!

[Rachel Flowers]

If you can't tell her you don't like the skirt, you'll strggle to be open with each other in more important things. Rebecca, you and your wife can have a wonderful marriage together which will be strengthened, not threatened, by your dressing, but only if the two of you learn to talk, and I mean really talk which means really listen to the other when they're talking.

You naturally are filled with enthusiasm and eagerness to expand and explore this exciting new part of yourself. She naturally will swing from supportively wanting to help and encourage you to being upset and angry at believing she's lost part of the masculine you she thought she married. If she knows enough to go buying makeup with you she knows enough to have proper conversations. Sit down together somethere quiet where you can talk for a long time and ask her what her fears are. Don't interrupt her and don't be tempted to make promises that you will "never" do some of the things she may fear - for some of us this is a fun hobby, for some of us it's the start of the road to transition and all stops between; but very few of us can tell at these early stages which we are. Just listen and acknowledge how she feels and ask her if she's happy for you to tell her everything so that at least she knows and can make her own mind up. Then make sure you never keep anything from her ever again, even that you don't like the skirt she bought you.

Good luck, darling. Treat her like a lady because to her, the marriage is still that way around. xx

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

I agree with working through your crossdressing and issues with a therapist. I have the pleasure of a trifecta. I'm seeing a therapist for 3 issues. I'm being treated PTSD for my service during Vietnam, PTSD for the abuse by my first and second wives, and my crossdressing. It was through her that I came out to my SO. She had my SO come in several times to talk and finally when she had both of us together she helped me come out to Carol. As far as I'm concerned, a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I was lucky to find such a great therapist that I was very comfortable with. It took over 6 months for me to start to trust her and open up about things that were causing me to be effected emotionally, mentally and physically.