In pursuit of happiness...

[Sonya]

Hi All, warning this might end up being a long post..

I would like to start with quick summary. I am 35 years old, married with a young child. I have been cross dressing from a very young age, always struggled with my CD life. I am not interested in men sexually and don’t want to be a woman full time. I didn’t tell my wife before we got married (well I didn’t tell anyone) and I got discovered 5 years into our marriage. Understandably wife was upset and angry. Throughout my life it has been the same cycle, purge then buy again, promises that I just couldn’t keep, not being honest, wasting time and money, depression, lies and more lies. You know I really really wanted to stop CD’ing, my life would have been so much easier. I remember when my son was born, it was such a miracle and probably the best day of my life and I was so happy. I was holding him, his eyes wide open, he was looking at me, he was so calm, I was in love. At that time I promised him that I will always look after him and I will quit my CD’ing once and for all. But I couldn’t quit and its still with me, I mean I love my wife and I couldn’t quit for her and I had the innocent and unconditional love of my own son and I still couldn’t quit. So it looks like I have to learn to live with it and try to be happy.

Since my wife finding out I did few sessions of therapy, some with my wife and recently more sessions when we were going thru some very rough times. Like other marriages we have other issues then the my CD’ing. I am a very private person and I like keeping something’s to myself especially when it involves my CD’ing. I have been reading this forum for a while now and I realise the importance of honesty, trust and communication with the wife. I realise I have a big battle in front of me since I haven’t been honest with her about my CD activities before and after marriage, basically it has been no ask no tell which I know is self destructive. I am trying to get the courage to be completely honest with her from now on, I just cannot live like this anymore. I do not want her to stay with me for any longer without knowing real me. I know that if I don’t do anything real soon everyone will be worst of later. My wife is very important for me, I will never force her to get involved in my dressing or take dressing to bed room unless we are both agreed. I am not even sure if I would be comfortable for my wife seeing me fully dressed.

I am very confident at where I want to take my dressing but I am still scared that it will escalate and I will loose control as I get older (which seem like the trend from what I read in the forums). Ideally I would like to do it in privately at my own time and dressed fully. At this stage I wouldn’t like our child to see me dressed as a woman.

One of my major concern is what my wife will think of me. Would she be disgusted by it all? Would she hate me for putting her in this situation? Divorce? I have read some very angry posts of wifes in other forums who are so hurt and upset by some of the actions of the CD husbands. I would like to believe that I can at least control my dressing so that I am not obsessed by it all the time. I do enjoy being a man, I have always got a 2 day growth on my face and I like that too. Is a balance and compromise possible??

Thanks for reading

[J'lyn GG]

This is all based on my experiences and my opinions. Balance and compromise is possible.

Your wife needs to believe that you will not hide things from her, do things behind her back or lie to her EVER AGAIN!!!! This probably means you will have to be an open book for awhile and maybe, forever.

IMO, escalation and losing control is completely within YOUR control. If there is something new you would like to do or try, discuss it with your wife, give her time to think and adjust to the idea. Then proceed, if the two of you agree.

Will she hate you for putting her into this situation? honestly? Probably. BUT, she can get over it and/or move past it. Will she be disgusted? Maybe. Depends. She may be more disgusted with the things you have done/lied about. Divorce? ALways a possibility. If your marriage is strong, she will try to hang on, so you have time to remind her why she loves you. Remind her about all the good things you do for her. (if you don't do special things for her, START NOW!!!) My husband started taking me on date nights (even though we really couldn't afford it, financially, we needed it for our marriage.) He started taking me (long over-due) clothes shopping. Painting my toenails, backrubs. You get the point.

Marriage counseling is a must in this situation. She needs to be able to talk to someone. The two of you need to learn to communicate. She needs to be able to identify the EXACT things, about the cding, that bothers her. And you need to know them, too. The two of you need to know what makes the other shut down in a disagreement. Etc.

On the subject of compromise. NOBODY gets everything they want. If your ideal is to dress 4 times a month, whenever you want and hers is that you don't dress at all. Compromise may be that you dress one time a month whenever you want or twice a month on predetermined days. Or even, once a month on a predetermined day. Compromises/boundaries can be set in stone or pliable.

Now, what your wife will need to be able to do. Forgive you. This is very, very difficult. Especially since you continued to lie, even after you said you wouldn't anymore. She will have to be willing to do most of the hard stuff. She will have to have faith in you. Learn to trust you again. Believe that you won't hurt her. She will have to change the way she thinks about some things or think about it in a different way. She will have to be able to tell you how she feels, even if it means hurting you. (and you have to be able to hear it without getting offended) She will need to learn to recognize her triggers and how she feels when she starts getting resentful or angry.

In the end, it is all about how bad the two of you want it. When T and I entered couseling, we, specifically told the counselor, divorce is NOT an option. IT changed the way she approached the counseling, on the whole.

[Roberta Lynn]

Great post J'lyn
Really not much I can add.
Sarah, Just make sure your wife knows where she stands in your marriage. She needs to know she is the woman in the marriage. She married a guy and she needs to know that guy will be there when she needs him. Take her out on dates, buy her flowers. If she likes to be treated like a princess, treat her like a princess.

I know what you're saying about your cross-dressing escalating and getting out of control as you age. Iv'e read those threads too. It doesn't have to be that way. Iv'e been dressing for over fifty years now and yes my dressing has escalated from just putting on one of my sisters dresses to where I am now with wigs, padding, makeup and a whole wardrobe full of my own clothes. Iv'e even been to several TG conventions. But for me this is what I'm comfortable with. this is as far as I need to go. Iv'e never felt that I needed to transition or needed to experiment with my sexual preference. Maybe you'll be the same. Just try and keep your cross-dressing in perspective with what is most important in you life.

You and your wife have a long rough road ahead, It will be hardest for your wife. this is all new and scary for her. The road can be traveled. Just take it slow and easy.

And read J'lyn post again, Lots of good stuff in there.
I hope the best for you and your family.

[Barbara Ella]

Sarah, Wow, there is really not a lot to add to what J'lyn GG posted. As said by Roberta, read it again. Print it out. Highlight portions of it that apply (the whole article) to you and your wife. Discuss those points. From your post you have a heavy load to take on to gain her trust. And having her trust is the most important thing. Your wife cannot be happy if she cannot trust you, no matter how sincere you are. Be honest, be open, be truthful in your discussions. Remember, this is our responsibility, not hers. You must take the initiative to make this work for her. You need her help, but it must be your mission. Take the words of these ladies to heart and believe them, and you have started well.

Babes

[jillleanne]

If you believe it's possible, then it's possible. Only you know that. Your story is very similar to mine and not uncommon. I could not take the secrecy and all that goes with it any longer so I was ready to move on no matter what the cost. It mattered not. Best case scenario, she accepts me totally. I would not accept any comprimises with my gender enhancements. Been there, done that and was not happy. Worst case scenario, she freaks and wants nothing to do with me. 'Either we do it together or I do it alone' was the stage I reached. Not a fun place.
Think long and hard about all the implications and whether or not you can be happy with the best or worst of either result.