Question for CDers: What would you choose??

[Melody1985]

Most of us CDers are very comfortable with our male selves. I have seen this said quite a few times in the short time that I have been here. I am also among those who feel that way.

Now I know we have a lot of "mature" members on this site, so I want all of you to just imagine that the advanced knowledge, therapy, and to some degree acceptance was around when you were very young.. With that said, here's the question:
-----------------------------
If you could go back to the age of 10, with the understanding that this feminine side of you was very important to your life, who would consider starting HRT or crossdressing a lot sooner (for those who weren't already doing it at that age)

If you think you would have done either, say which one (HRT or CD) and explain. If you would prefer it to play out the way it did, maybe explain that too.


I just started very recently myself.. So personally, if I could go back to that age, I think I would have started crossdressing then.. My gut feeling is that I would NOT want to start transitioning by taking hormones, but maybe if I had started then and fast forward to the present, I may have.. But I would still be straight!! There's just no attraction to guys for me.. Not that theres anything wrong with that at all.

Thanks for your input!!

[sonam]

if i knew about my present self and the maturity i will gain 10 years ago i probably wouldnt have struggled with the hundreds of questions that raised during my teenage and would have been much at ease

sonam

[Marleena]

I'm an older lady. I started CDing in my teens at home so mostly underdressing. Now 40 years later I have finally embraced it. I wish I didn't beat myself up, deny, and hid it all these years. In my teen years CDer's were considered mentally ill by "professionals" in the field. If acceptance was like it is now my life would have been better, I envy young crossdressers now. I feel like I missed out on a lot. Therapists these days realize it really isn't a big deal (harmles) unless the CDer has stress related issues from it.

[Cherry Lynn]

I am 59 years old and have been crossdressing since 5or 6 years of age to some extent. In my teen years had a lot of feelings I did not understand and thought I was the only one like this. If I knew then what I know now I would have transitioned and had SRS. The old saying "hindsight is better than foresight" is very true sometimes.

[Roberta Lynn]

I'm one of those 'mature' members you've mentioned, At least in age anyway.
I probably started Cross-dressing about the age of 12. I have never felt the need for HRT or SRS. I'm sure I would still be a CD. I don't see why that would change. It just would have been so nice to have the knowledge I have now back then. I wouldn't have to live all those years with the terrible guilt, selfdoubt and aloneness I felt for so long.

[Marleena]

Oops forgot to mention I'm not interested in transitioning. Or having real boobs.

[KellyJameson]

I'm one of those who started insisting he was a girl around the age of three, refused to allow my hair to be cut or wear pants and would not go near boys.

I'm very cautious around men now because I expect them to be hostile toward me. I believe I cause them emotional confusion because they see a man but experience a woman on a subconscious level and receive mixed emotional signals even though I try to avoid doing anything that would make them feel this way.

There is nothing stopping me from transitioning if I wanted to step onto that path except myself and I don't because it would not turn me into a genetic female and for me it is an all or nothing deal so I live between worlds but this has had its own rewards for me because it has brought other gifts of a spiritual nature.

[jennCD]

And in case you want to include us "immature" members as well, I'd have to say if I went back to that time, I might consider moving forward in a different direction... but of course that would be conditional depending on this alternate-reality's acceptance of the transgender world and my own comfort level as well... cos if we're saying I'm going back to be the same 10-year-old that I already was, I doubt very highly that I'd suddenly come to accept what I was (had I actually known what it was that I was) and actually embrace it the second time around...

Chances are, I'd simply go through life again worrying that there was something really wrong with me!

:)
jenn

[brenda h]

I try to think i'm a little bit mature. i starter dressing very young probably 12 or 13 and have never thought anything about HRT. I just love being a crossdresser and would never change anything . i've got the best of both worlds

[GemmaB]

I'm just starting out after having been in denial for so long (I'm 24 and had first experience at about 4 or 5). Having gained confidence and acceptance of myself recently, I think with hindsight I would have started crossdressing sooner. Having said that I don't think I would have come out at school - I was never that confident as a teen and kids are often not quite that understanding! I don't think I would have gone for hormones though as I do like my male side and see no attraction to guys.

[Joanne f]

Well as far as i remember i was already CDing i doubt at 10yrs i would have had the understanding of HRT but at this point i think it would have been a lot easier if i had just been born a girl and not have to worry about it .
One of the problems is i think as you get older your hormones change so it could highlight any problems that you are having now which may not have affected you so much then.

[Loni]

not really sure if parts would be cut off..to speak. but yes i would have a good pair of c-cups all real.and most of my life at this time would be as loni..including job.

if only to go back in time and take over my body and remember all i know today.. life would not have been as hard, thinking i was some kind of freak.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im one of those who knew there would come a time i would be able to express my self as a female / woman & did at age 10 on,. , tho not in a way that others would pick up on , wrong there, tho that was around age 18 -19 . i was different in many ways tho i had a hard time of expressing what / who i really was / am,

Im 64 yet i did know back then just was not time for myself to be open & as a person i was closed down Tho Mum knew i hated male clothes & had issue;s being around males , Jos as well tho both did not see it or understand & i could not explain i was I S..let alone any thing else,

In our day 50 -60's no way , one you keeped your mouth shut or you would have been carted off to the nut house.
& even if i had known youd have to be jokeing to even say im a I S , trans or dresser.

What i did know was , i was told about the men in white & the white paddy waggon . if you were different. as a kid i knew that. & no way was i going there,

the day came at the right time & every detail was in place for me to grow be & have the experance of knowing i would be fullfilled as a female / woman as born. just i had to go through a lot of issues things learning & become one very strong woman , who would have failed if i had not gone through all of what i have, over that part of my life of 50 years .

I'v had so far coming up 16 years of being who i am. & the more i go on. im being accepted more & more. in groups .Soc. & a member of many groups & women only .

Different yes it is or i should say because im different .

...noeleena...

[Claire Cook]

This is something I've been thinking more and more about. Looking back at my teen and pre-teen years, I now see that I had gender ID issues that I was not aware of at the time -- I mean, in the 50's Christine Jorgensen was not exactly mainstream, and my parents would not have understoood. (My mother knew I would get into her closet, but could never bring herself to talk to me about it.) So yes, if I were a teenager today with increased awareness of gender issues, I think I'd consider transitioning.

[Cynthia Anne]

That big word IF! I started when I was four! LOVED IT THEN! LOVE IT NOW! By the time I was a teenager IF I knew I could of started HRT I would of in a heart beat! With no acceptance at home I had a hard life trying to grow up in a mans world! IF it weren't for health reasons I still would fifty plus years later! Hugs!

[LeaP]

I was crossdressing at that age and, like Claire, knowing what I do now, would have opted for HRT. My reasoning isn't exactly TS/female identity, though. Rather, it's a preference for female presentation and social life, coupled with a strong dislike for male characteristics. At this point, my gender identity is rather androgynous. So while I might have preferred HRT, I might also have found myself presenting rather tomboyish.

Lea

[Cheryl T]

Assuming that advanced knowledge, therapy, and some acceptance (especially on the part of parents) was prevalent when I was 10 I would most certainly have been on hormones and transitioned at a very young age. I remember being on my mother's lap at about age 6, poking her breast with a finger and being told to stop it. Then I asked, "will mine be like yours when I grow up?". She then told me that I would not have breasts as I was a boy and only girls had them. I began to cry and was devastated.
I so very much wanted to be a girl, but society and my parents directed me otherwise and I think that is a big part of why I am who I am and the way I am today.

Like Claire, the only knowledge that I was not alone until I was about 18 was the news I read of Christine Jorgensen.

[DonnaT]

I was crossdressing by age 10, and knowing then what I know now, I still would not have wanted HRT.

[sinead]

So long ago, I started around 5 years of age and have continued ever since, when I was in early pubescence I really longed and wished that I could of been a girl, but at that age knew nothing about HRT etc., in fact was frightened to tell anyone, believing that I was odd and it was only me that did these things, oh a big THANK YOU for the internet when I realised that there are thousands like me and I am not some kind of freak.
Now as I am happily married (27yrs) with a family I am glad that I stuck to dressing and didn't proceed further.

[gaylegirlify]

I started crossdressing when i was 14 and there was no internet or computers back then,i kept it a secret all my life, i had no parents and was living on the streets with no direction, with access to the internet as we have today i would have opted for HRT in a heartbeat, i didn't know about it till much later in my life, and tried to quell my feelings thinking i was abnormal, i married and came out to my wife after we had children, she new i liked to wear lingerie before that but not about my desire to dress fully as a woman, she is accepting and because of the children and my marriage i won't have HRT now.

[billie earls]

Like many others expressed back in the 50's & 60's you could never even show interest in crossdressing and if things were back then as they are now and knowing what I know now I would at least be more daring and dress more often and would embrace this side of me more. I don't know about HRS but I would try to live as a women.

[jillleanne]

If I knew the answer to that I would have bought gold when I was in university in 1972( I think it soared to $ 60.00 an ounce.). I would also have finished my law degree and never had become an accountant. I would have invented a way to prevent head hair loss and a way to accelerate complete body hair loss( no, I would not have invented an epilator). I would have standarized bra sizes so that every 36D was actually, a 36D. I would have...............................! Thinking back though, I started crossdressing when I was conceived( I was wrapped in a pink blanket) so I guess I would have..................!

[angpai30]

Crossdresser only. At the age of five i thought about removing mr. jingles; even sat down with a pair of scissors, but nothing ever came of it. None the less I would not want to be 10 again. Took me long enough to be comfortable with who I am now let alone trying to do it again even with what i know now isnt appealing one bit. If we went back we would still end up with the same situations in life. Most had mothers and fathers who repeatedly took us to therapists; ridicule from family and friends. Why do you think most of us couldn't wait to move out? We all made decisions based on life decisions and I want to make them where i currently am without having to backtrack 20 years.

[elizabethamy]

Melody, I think about this question a lot. Whether I would have been prescient enough to demand girlhood at age 10 is doubtful. But what I do wish for -- though of course can't have -- is not to have spent so much mental and psychic energy repressing my feminine side for 50 years. Now that she is out, she wants it all, and it's kind of , um, inconvenient! But what's hard to know -- and help me if you know how to find this out -- is whether I really want to be a girl or whether I just want to let my feminine side (elizabethamy) have a share of the daylight. Looking back means everything to me, but only if it can help me move forward. my best wishes to you in your quest...

elizabethamy

[suchacutie]

I would have liked to have known about Tina well before age 55 (which is when we found her) but I really am committed to both genders and can't imagine doing anything (like HRT) to compromise the possibility of passing in both genders.

tina

[Teresapantyhose]

I started wearing pantyhose when I was 12. My mother actually came into my bedroom without knocking and saw me in them but didn't make a big deal about it. Come from a very traditional household but probably would've pursued dressing more as I got older. In my early 20's (46 now), I started getting a skirt here, top there but never went out of the house until I was closer to 30 but felt pretty comfortable doing so. Been going with it ever since. No interest in HRT and don't really have an interest in guys, though wonder sometimes what it would be like to be flirtatious with another CD. Happy being Teresa in her present form though. Unfortunately have a wife that HATES Teresa so my girl time is limited.

[docrobbysherry]

I began dressing at about age 50.

Altho I didn't have it as difficult as some of my friends did at home, I CAN'T IMAGE trying to deal with gender confusion issues in my teens and early 20's! Just dealing with school, girlfriends, parents, my business, and Viet Nam were more than I could handle at that time!

[shawnsheila]

I started at the age of 14 and, if I could go back and change things, I probably would have kept it hidden until my college years to which I would have embraced myself as a part time cross dresser and not judge myself (I would probably have enjoyed it more back then too because I had a better shaped body and looked believable too). I think I would have also told my wife (when we were dating) instead of having her find out by stumbling upon my stash of clothes. Overall, I think I would have held off on publicly acknowledging it until I was in college but I would have embraced it earlier then at my age now which is 34.

[joannemarie barker]

I started dressing at around 11 and I couldn't ever envisage coming out about it.it was such a struggle in my teens because I was totally confused as to what I was.i was fighting the the confusion of fancying the boys in my class instead of the girls at the same time so my head was all over the place

[Renee W]

I first started experimenting with crossdressing over 35 years ago and always thought I was weird or a pervert because I felt good doing it. Feeling that way, I kept it to myself and didn't even come out to my wife until after 18 years together.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have made CDing a larger part of my life a long time ago. I probably would have told my wife shortly after we met. But alas, those were in the pre-internet days, when the wealth of information that is available today was not readily accessible.

[AndreaCD1963]

With 20/20 hindsight, I think I would have done a lot of things differently in my life including being more open and embracing crossdressing. I strongly suspect I would have explored HRT and some degree of transition such that my physical characteristics would be more aligned with how I feel inside.

Related, but slightly off topic, I also wish I had accepted, embraced, and been more open about my own sexuality. I find that to be more difficult to be "out" about at this time of life than being a CD.

I look forward to the day when being "out" about anything is not an issue for anyone!

[Alice B]

Since I also started dressing late in life, going back would have no effect. I can think of nothing from my childhood or early life that would indicate a desire to dress and I was very comfortable with the male role I had. Later in life, maybe in my late 40's or early 50's I would have been more receptive to dressing, but had no overt inkling thatI would become a dresser.

[Sharon B.]

I am now in my mid fifties and I started stealing my sisters stocking when I was six, always got caught and a talking to by my father that only girls wore stockings and boys wore socks.
By the time I was thirteen they felt safe enough to leave home alone for short times but I would still go into my sisters room and wear her things or in the summer I would go down in the basement and try on their swim suits.
I finally confess to one of my sisters in my late teens that I enjoy wearing feminine attire, it didn't go over too well.
I started to purchase my own a woman's attire and kept it hidden but I'm sure they all suspected something was going on.
I thought once I got married it would all stop, it didn't confess to my wife that I enjoy wearing woman's attire again that didn't go well. Now divorced and let one or two of the females that I had dated about wanting to dress as a woman again now single and I dress when I want to now and my woman wardrobe is probably double if not triple what my drab attire is.
If the INTERNET was here ten or fifteen years ago I may have went for the hormones, I'm sure my life would be different than it is now.

[jill_]

If I had to go back.. I should say "not really", because I come from a strict family. I used to steal some underwear and clothes my sister didn't use anymore. But my mother discover that and since that time I stopped crossdressing. If i don't consider this "environment" I would start sooner and enjoy all the pleasure it brings.

[*Vanessa*]

Q1. count me in on that one. HRT - yes please..
Q2. Ah... hello !?

<humor>
By now I would have been married to my Prince without a prenup and taken half his money.
</humor>


EDIT: (after MODS edited this post to remove OP quotes) I kinda take offense to being edited in this way. I felt the OP was loosing focus. My opinion and should have an equal right to be a participant in this way. IMHO

[Barbara Ella]

Way way back when i was 8, 57 years ago, I had no way of knowing the term cross dressing existed. I did something I felt was supposed to be done, and felt that I was alone, and doing freaky things. If I could have known then what I know now, I would still be a cross dresser. I like my male side, I think he has developed into a really good guy. I like my femme side and the manner I can use to express her. She will be a great lady if I am allowed to finish,

Babes

[Michala]

I was about 12 when I discovered that I liked to dress in my sister's and mother's clothes. Thought I was the only one who was like this and didn't know what to do. Then I read a column in the paper about transvestites, and discovered that I was not the only one. No internet then but at least I knew I wasn't the only one. Still hid it but at least I was more comfortable about what I was doing. Not interested in HRT, just like to wear women't clothes some times.

[JustAlex]

I started crossdressing before 10, so I can't give you an answer about that. And I never considered HRT, so the answer is no to that one.

But... if it were possible to change gender, not a transition, a real change like being born again as a female, I may think about that option and try my life again from the other side.

[Billie Jean]

I started dressing in my early teens. I have always been comfortable with my male side so my answer is no I wouldn't go back to do anything. Billie Jean

[ChubbyLeahCD]

Most of us CDers are very comfortable with our male selves. I have seen this said quite a few times in the short time that I have been here. I am also among those who feel that way.

Now I know we have a lot of "mature" members on this site, so I want all of you to just imagine that the advanced knowledge, therapy, and to some degree acceptance was around when you were very young.. With that said, here's the question:
-----------------------------
If you could go back to the age of 10, with the understanding that this feminine side of you was very important to your life, who would consider starting HRT or crossdressing a lot sooner (for those who weren't already doing it at that age)

If you think you would have done either, say which one (HRT or CD) and explain. If you would prefer it to play out the way it did, maybe explain that too.


I just started very recently myself.. So personally, if I could go back to that age, I think I would have started crossdressing then.. My gut feeling is that I would NOT want to start transitioning by taking hormones, but maybe if I had started then and fast forward to the present, I may have.. But I would still be straight!! There's just no attraction to guys for me.. Not that theres anything wrong with that at all.

Thanks for your input!!

I repressed my crossdressing in High School because I thought I was gay and in college for the same reason.
It took me a while to understand that it does not make me gay nor does it have to be sexual only (though I do enjoy the sexual side of it! ;-)

I would go back and sit down with myself and say, enjoy it! Do it!

[ChubbyLeahCD]

I started at the age of 14 and, if I could go back and change things, I probably would have kept it hidden until my college years to which I would have embraced myself as a part time cross dresser and not judge myself (I would probably have enjoyed it more back then too because I had a better shaped body and looked believable too). I think I would have also told my wife (when we were dating) instead of having her find out by stumbling upon my stash of clothes. Overall, I think I would have held off on publicly acknowledging it until I was in college but I would have embraced it earlier then at my age now which is 34.

I can relate a lot to that!

[sissystephanie]

I started crossdressing at age 6 by wearing my older sisters panties. As I got older so did my dressing progress, except for the time I spent in the military. I had natural 36 B breast at age 9, and started wearing a bra under a doctors orders so I would not have any sagging! My breasts now are 40 B's and I do wear a bra every day, even if I am otherwise in drab! I do love to wear feminine clothes, but have no desire to actually be a woman! Never have had, and never will!! BTW, I am now 79!

[Janine cd]

If I had known at age 10 what I know now, I would certainly be drawn to the possibility of transitioning. I remember spending many hours dreaming of what it would be likeliving as a girl.

[stepheniesmiles]

Yeah....I must say I day dreamed a lot about that also. But, don't think I'd ever do that...

[gabimartini]

If I knew then what I know now, I would have chosen HRT and full transition. It would have saved me from a lot of grief, anguish, and confusion. IF I could've had it my way, I wouldn't need to crossdress today, I would simply dress... :)

[Tammy V]

If it wan't the early 1970's, I would have wanted my family to embrace my love of wearing my mom's or grandma's (anyone in my family's clothes) and in my early teens sending me to a therapist that would have diagnosed GID and not said, "he is normal but unhappy". They would have started me on hrt around the time of puberty and I would have had the life I was supposed to have considering the gender I was when i was born. I would have had srs fairly young too.

[Diane Smith]

At age 10, I was definitely wearing my mom's and other relatives' clothes, lingerie, shoes and makeup from time to time, but I lacked introspection -- I didn't especially think about it leading anywhere and, in fact, it was a much smaller deal in my life then than it is now. I don't think there's any way I could have even formed a coherent thought about pursuing any kind of lifelong transition then. By the time I graduated high school, perhaps ... but I was too engrossed in my studies, career ambitions and being with my family then to devote much thought to it either. It was only after achieving a certain level of maturity, stability and independence in my life that the possibility started to occur to me as realistic.

It may be interesting to think about, but even professional gender counselors are hesitant to prescribe anything permanent for children in that age group except in truly exceptional cases.

- Diane

[Ginger]

Definately, with the information at hand today if i had that then i would of transitioned.
Ginger

[GBJoker]

I will admit several things. One, I almost never feel safe, and since I feel that I can fight better as a male, my knee jerk answer to the question is that I wouldn't change anything.

On the other hand, my GG cousin Brianna can probably kick most guy's butts pretty easily... 10+ years of tae kwon do and I think... karate?, maybe jujitsu, definitely helped there. So, that makes me feel a bit more comfortable about going back in time.

Plus I also strongly wonder if my family and such would have been more okay with it when/if I was a younger age. Since my life from about 5-12ish was far and away one of the most quiet times in my life (no bad things happening), stuff might have been easier. So yes, I would go back in time to age 10 and started not only CD'ing, but possibly HRT, under the condition that I have a second chance to go back in time to return it to normal if bad stuff happened.

[Mikaela]

If I was ten years old in 2011 instead of 38, with the information and support and culture that is now instead of 1983, I would have tried to get my parents to take me to a therapist. I may have started HRT earlier, but I suspect that even though there is some GID, I would have not completed transition and would have remained a CD, maybe with a better awareness of my self and the chance to take advantage of opportunities as a teenager and 20something instead of a late 30something

[Josephine]

I have had so much turmoil in my life, being a sissy when a young boy. Always hiding and ashamed of wanting to be female. Got beat up often for being
"girlie", not wanting to do boy things, or being called a "sicko", and many other things, which is what I often heard. IF it was acceptable (and available),when I was young, I would have transitioned in a heartbeat.

[sometimes_miss]

O.K., Melody, first off, if you're taking hormones, you're not a crossdresser. You're transsexual.
That said, if at ten, I were sure that I was really supposed to be a girl, then yes, I would have welcomed taking whatever it took. But for me, there were too many inconsistancies that simply didn't fit with my 'really being a girl'. Today, there are testosterone blockers that would allow more time for the person to decide, so as to delay the irreversible effects of puberty on a genetic male. Those would have been the appropriate choice.
You mention that you've 'just started very recently myself'. Started what? Crossdressing, HRT, or both? Because if you're straight, HRT will effectively eliminate any heterosexual romantic life on your part, as it will destroy what the vast majority of women are attracted to, and replace it with, what, a feminized male body?

[Kaz]

As a 'mature' member, I find this hard to answer. I would have found acceptance of my desire to CD and my interest in all things female at an early age and this would have heavily influenced how I developed my thinking, so yeah, maybe I would have been more likely to go down the HRT and even GRS route. BUT... I didn't, and I have a lovely wife and we have had a rewarding marriage and I wouldn't give up that or my three girls for the world, so to say would I rather have been without that gift, the answer would be no. However, would I have ever gone down the marriage and family route given the knowledge I would have had as a teenager in today's world is a different issue. I thonk I would have explored things much more early on and come to a clearer decision.

[Jonianne]

I'm 55 and what I would like to change, if I could, would be to eliminate the fear and shame I had. I started at 7, putting on my mom's dresses, and always kept it a secret because of the fear. I have never wanted to transition. What I would like to have done, would be:

1) telling my mom, grandmother, aunt and girl cousins that I liked to wear dresses and asking if I could get one I liked out of the Sears, Pennys or Wards catalog

2) instead of living in fear, taking advantage of the opportunities such as Holloween and costume parties to dress up

3) staying a guy, but intergrating many of the female things I liked, but shuned because of fear, into my daily life, especially later in high school

4) volunteering for the female part in the high school play that called for a guy or strong girl. They ended up using a girl, because no guy volunteered.

5) letting my thick hair grow long in the last years of high school - prior, it was not allowed.

6) going to college, intergrating more of the female things I liked into my daily life.

7) taking makeup and hair classes

8) taking dance classes enfemme

9) going out and about and making crossdressing a regular part of my life

10) being completly open with others and especially with my first wife before we married

That's all, untill I can think of more stuff :)

[Melody1985]

O.K., Melody, first off, if you're taking hormones, you're not a crossdresser. You're transsexual.
That said, if at ten, I were sure that I was really supposed to be a girl, then yes, I would have welcomed taking whatever it took. But for me, there were too many inconsistancies that simply didn't fit with my 'really being a girl'. Today, there are testosterone blockers that would allow more time for the person to decide, so as to delay the irreversible effects of puberty on a genetic male. Those would have been the appropriate choice.
You mention that you've 'just started very recently myself'. Started what? Crossdressing, HRT, or both? Because if you're straight, HRT will effectively eliminate any heterosexual romantic life on your part, as it will destroy what the vast majority of women are attracted to, and replace it with, what, a feminized male body?

Hey

I understand the difference between crossdresser/TV's and transsexuals. The question was posed to see who of us were maybe closer to TS than CDs. Remember alot if people on here started late or grew up in a time where it was not acceptable at all.

Anyway, I meant I was just starting out with CDing.. I'm not going to do HRT for the reason you gave amongst others.

Thank you to all for your input, and thank you Alexa/Lexi for the questions!!

[Acastina]

Funny you set the bar at ten years old. I started long before that, probably five or so, but more and more in my teens. I shared a bedroom with my younger sister (13 months apart, and she turned out very butch) until age 10, while my two older brothers shared one across the house. When my parents bought a new, larger house across town, my sister and our oldest brother got their own rooms, while I shared one with my older brother.

I distinctly and painfully remember a realization moment shortly after the move. It was late afternoon, and I was just going into our bedroom when suddenly it hit me that I was never going to be a girl. Like the default pink fog of life up to then had lifted to reveal a truth I really didn't want to hear. I didn't cry, but something just drained out of me at that moment that has never found replacement. I just kind of went cold and sad, and I've struggled with depression my whole life since. I was a straight-A student in the fourth grade and sang solo at the Christmas show when the other two in my group were too shy.

Then we moved.

As of fifth grade, I dropped to a B-minus and lived in a world of fear and confusion, aggravated by my brother's subtle but continual emotional abuse. Now THAT really made me want to man up, not. Being very intelligent and having a gift for acting, though, I invested much of my consciousness into observing around me and conforming my behavior to what boys are supposed to be like without ever feeling at home with it. When I was nearly 30, I wrote a song that sums it up:

Once it all seemed so simple
Pretty good at playing the role
But lately it seems the worst of my dreams
Are getting clear out of control

So I learned to play the role well enough to avoid being beaten up or outed, but my heart sure wasn't in it. It was a coping mechanism, nothing more. Then my puberty was late by about five years, so I looked more like the girls than I did the guys. I had academic struggles that I now recognize as a product of diverting of so much of my mental life into emulating others that I couldn't concentrate. Only when I went to law school in my late 20s did I learn how to study diligently and effectively. Then the second-wave revelation arrived shortly before graduation (if you read up on TG, you find that the coming-to-terms, confronting denial age is frequently around 30), and I soon discovered that I didn't have the emotional coldness required of lawyers, so there I went into a career path that was halting at best and nightmarish at worst:

Here I stand at the station
With a fast track just a step away
All my expectations
Have left me with feet of clay

I did transition to live full-time from age 33 to nearly 42, but (my opinion) the damage had been done and I couldn't shake all manner of uncertainty and anxiety demons that sort of negated a lot of the good stuff. Words from a different song, written nearly ten years after I gave the experiment up and came back:

I've been here before, so long ago
How I remember those years
The best of times, the worst of times
Laughing through my tears

I met my wife through a CD group. Her ex was a manipulative and unappreciative late-blooming CD who basically was gay and justifying it through CD. So she understood and accepted CD before we ever met. Ours is a committed and happy marriage, but we both know I'm compromised.

So, I we had today's more accommodating social climate and clinical perspective, yes, I would rather have been transitioned not too long after my painful realization. But that was then, and there's no re-boot for such things...

[sanderlay]

If you could go back to the age of 10, with the understanding that this feminine side of you was very important to your life, who would consider starting HRT or crossdressing a lot sooner (for those who weren't already doing it at that age)

If you think you would have done either, say which one (HRT or CD) and explain. If you would prefer it to play out the way it did, maybe explain that too.

I guess I'm in the mature crowd in my mid fifties. And a lot has changed since I was a child. As several have pointed out, in the 1950's and 60's was not a very accepting time. The nut house was real and not a pleasant place.

If I had spoken out I suspect HRT and SRS would have been the solution to normalize me to society. Make me a girl which would deny my male side and create another set of problems. But with what I know today that is a not exactly the path for me.

I would have liked to have done a course of HRT when I hit puberty. Having some breasts and more of a feminine body would have been nice. But SRS was and still is still not advanced enough for me to give up my... manhood. I still must embrace my male side. It is a part of me as a GM, genetic male. (I am attracted to women, with or without my clothes on, skirt or pants.)

Today, without HRT, I've learned I need to embrace both sides of myself, my male and my female side for balance. My yin and yang so to say. I do this with clothing and jewelry with my hair grown long. I currently wear no makeup as I go out to the world presenting as a mix of genders.

It would still be nice to grow some breasts and I am very slowly doing so thanks to gynecomastia. But at my age my health is very important. I don't want to rock the boat and enjoy what time I have left in this world. Today I don't have to accept just being a male or a female. I can live a little in both worlds and embrace these sides of myself.

[christina s]

I'm still trying to accept this side of me , so i still can't answer if i would start HRT . But i would tell myself (at age 10 or 20 ) this isn't a phase but a part of who you are and the sooner you can accept this , the happier you will be.

[Sammy93]

If I had known this about me, I would have wished that my parents would have confronted me about it so that they could find out about it on there own. I havnt told them about it yet and I dont think I really want to only because of what they may say. I dont care what they would think, but I get hurt really easily by words. But I would have started HRT had they asked me about it earlier in my life.

[ArleneRaquel]

I have always loved to dress female, but if I dressed 24/7, say at the age of 20, and decided to trsition back then, it is likely that I would have missed out on a woderful marriage, of 33 years, to a fantastic woman. She died in 2002, I went femm full time about 4-6 months later. After a false start, going24/7 which occured early in 2003, quit, then full time again in 2004 to the present.

[Risque_Christine]

Every day that Christine is not out in the real world is a lost day in her life. Each fantastic and wonderful day I have had in the last 2 years has been as Christine-- all from unexpected kindness from people who show me what life could have been. We all live with constraints, some of them more bitter than others. But you cannot regret what you did not know-- and I did not know that I was and am Christine.
Best, Christine

[Jenniferathome]

Well, I was crossdressing at age 10 and I wish it was less stressful, but I have never wanted to be anything other than the crossdressing man that I am.

[Cindia]

I started dressing when I was about 5, when I realized there was a difference between mine and my sisters' underwear. So I was pretty well hooked on that by age 10. I certainly would have jumped at the chance to take pills that would turn me into a girl. Heck, I would have even eaten broccoli if I thought it would turn me into a girl. I was never one that felt , to use the cliche, "trapped in the wrong body", I just wanted to be a girl.

[Dena]

I would have been out of the closet sooner (when I was almost pretty)!

[StarrOfDelite]

Occasionally, when I look in the mirror, and see a late middle aged man in a dress, I daydream about how great it would have been if I could have come to self-realization as a younger person. I'm sure, I think to myself, that if I'd only known the truth about myself that I would've gone to Greenwich Village, or San Francisco, and set the world on its ear as the transvestite transsexual toast of society, complete with a boob job, an Adam's apple shave, and lots of practice on my voice and mannerisms. In that scenario, although it's certainly a strong possibility that I would have taken hormones at some point in time, I'm sure it wouldn't have been as early as age ten.

In any case, those are daydreams, fantasies no more plausible than the daydreams I actually had when I was a boy, which primarily focused on my devout wish to be the second coming of Mickey Mantle.

I won't say I was completely happy or well-adjusted from age 8 to say age 18, but I wasn't miserable, either. I was cross dressed by some female cousins when I was age 5-6 -7, and I remember enjoying it and being sexually stimulated. However, once that was forcefully broken up by mom and aunt, I certainly don't remember any overt gender ambiguous feelings on my part. Maybe I had too many girls with whom I was friends in a non-sexual way, maybe I looked more curiously than I should have at the naked bodies of the other boys in the shower, but it was an era in which a person would push that stuff to the back of one's mind and soldier on. I didn't start getting into any sort of self-analysis until fifteen years ago when I was in my 40's and a marriage was sliding downhill. Before that I was way too busy being a student, a student athlete, an infantry platoon leader, a struggling young family man, a harried 30-ish family man, and a competitor in the professional rat race . Not all of that was good, but not all was bad, either. I've seen enough women who, for various reasons, have been miserably unhappy to know that being a woman is no bed of roses, and I've never ever wished to be female or regretted I had been born male.

As a man I have been a rather successful competitor, and, barring some sea change in my attitude or behavior, when I die I expect to be buried with family, friends and acquaintances remembering me as a father, a husband, a team mate, a service buddy, a trusted professional partner, and a 'good guy' with whom to share a bottle of bourbon and a bull session. To say that I would choose to do something different would be a denial of all that I've accomplished, good, bad or indifferent, and, daydreams notwithstanding, I am not prepared to do that.

[Rachel Flowers]

We get a lot of these "what would you do if..." questions on here. It's a bit like we're all role-playing being at a slumber party isn't it!

I started when I was seven. Those who started later might not have had the opportunities that we available to me: single child so no siblings to pester me; mother and father working so time home alone; washing basket full of clothes and bin full of discarded tights; sent off to the bathroom to wash myself before bed every night. If you had the same urges but never had the opportunity, how would that have affected you. In my adult life, it stopped for long time then in my mid 30s I started travelling a lot with work and bingo, the opportunities started up again. Now, Mrs Flowers knows all about it and the opportunities are greater, though still restricted as we have two teens and she doesn't yet buy that they ought to know about it.

So, Melody: if you could go back to the age of ten and every noght of the week you were guaranteed half an hour alone with access to all your Mum's stuff, would you have had a go? Would you have enjoyed it without feeling any need to wonder why but just enjoy it?

And why the sudden mention of "straight" at the end? It's a different thing. Dressing and orientation are two totally independent variables although being bi I guess I'm not qualified to comment!!

[Krististeph]

The only reason i might hesitate, is that I would not have met my wife, but then, any small change might have done that. I would do HRT, though it would require different attitudes of my folks. Good question- i actually revisited a city where i was at age ten (for a few years we moved deep south, I was just figuring out i liked dressing like a girl), and as i left, driving north (to a client midway between there and home) I pulled out a recorder and dictated a few hours of a story about just such an event... haven't done much with it since, but it was good to revisit and revise- or at least write an alternate possibility.