Is your wife threatened by your feminine side.

[StephanieT]

I recently came out to my wife and I have been living a shit storm for about 2 weeks. Divorce is a definate possibiltity. I am just wondering if she is threatened by my feminine side. My wife has not bought a skirt or dress for over 10 years and never wears heels. Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.

[Angie G]

Maybe. I can't say I one of the lucky ones. I have one why even helps. You may need to backoff some hun:hugs:
Angie

[msginaadoll]

Its hard to say how your wife feels. Betrayed may be a guess. She may feel you are not the "Man" she married. She may even feel that you may be "Gay" or no longer interested in her as a female. The only one who can answer the questions is her, and she may or may not be willing to. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes even the marriage can be over. It is something for you and her to decide where you go from here. Good luck and best wishes to both of you.

[SweetPea_GG]

I recently came out to my wife and I have been living a shit storm for about 2 weeks. Divorce is a definate possibiltity. I am just wondering if she is threatened by my feminine side. My wife has not bought a skirt or dress for over 10 years and never wears heels. Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.

I think something similar was posted about how some thought their wives might be "jealous" of them.. coming from a GG.. this isnt the case.. i know some want to think so but 99% of the time its far from it.. your wife is most likely feeling very betrayed from you and her not wearing skirts or heels has nothing to do with it all.. trust me this is coming from first hand expirence.

[Being Paige]

No I don't believe that she is threatened by your femme side, she is more likely in shock, this is a big pill for wifes to swallow! Only time will tell how things go from here. good luck! My wife tolerates my femme side, but still isn't onboard with me going out in public.

[AllieSF]

It might not be so much fear or being threatened by your feminine side, but rather what it all means to you, your relationship with her, what will others think if they find out. Also, what it really is and where will it all lead. Good luck.

[SweetPea_GG]

It might not be so much fear or being threatened by your feminine side, but rather what it all means to you, your relationship with her, what will others think if they find out. Also, what it really is and where will it all lead. Good luck.

^^ exactly what Allie said.. very well put!

[CINDYO]

are you kidding me. Not sure how long you have been married, but you have just blown your wife's mind. What don't you get!! If you had any type of a good relationship prior to this, it all seems right now to your wife that it has come unravelled... in so may ways. Take it from me, i am one who knows. She is definetly NOT threatened about your feminine side, sorry but no way she is thinking more about the marriage and where her life may be going

[Marleena]

Please get counselling for the two of you if you can.

[SweetPea_GG]

Been married 21 years. We are in counseling. What happens in counseling is very different than what happens at home.

From experience (I discovered on my own my husbands "items" after 15yrs of marriage 20+yrs together) I can tell you that there will be a roller coaster of emotions one day she might be ok with it the next shes hurting inside and acts out.. but thats to be expected.. her world has been turned upside down from what she "thought" she knew. Ive now known for a year and I still have so much pain inside me and my emotions still flip flop day to day. just hang in there.

[Lisia]

100% agree with this, I can see no reason our wives/SO's would be in any way jealous or threatened by femme side. Hopefully in time, she may be calm enough to discuss it rationally, but I'm sure at this point she is understandably a bit freaked out. I hope you two are able to work it out, best of luck to you.

[Marleena]

I just hope Stephanie can get this resolved. It's a bad situation. I take it after they go home from counselling everything is not okay again.

[BRANDYJ]

No, she is not threatened by your femininity. Not even close. Sheis hurting since she found out you are njot who she thought you were as a man. She fears that you might be gay or bisexual. She fears where you are going with this. She fears what your friends, neighbors and family wojuld think if they knew. She feels like she is not enough for you. And if anything, she feels less a woman since she thinks you have another one to replace her....YOURSELF! You need to consider the blow to her to find thins out. You need to consider that she has a very twisted idea of what a CD is to begin with, so she is grossed out and turned off. Can't blame her when I look at it from her side the best I can. But threatened by your femininity???? Not a chance ion hell that this is what has her pushing you away. Be kind, be patient, be understanding of her feelings and maybe she will try to accept.

[KellyJameson]

Hi StephanieT. Because I have avoided marriage I'm a little nervous about offering my thoughts but because I have been in so many S...Storms with women I cannot just turn my back on you either so here goes.

Would you describe her as having a strong take charge yell at the top of her voice when hurt or does she go quiet with silent tears?
What are her expectations from a partner in how a man should behave if he loves her
Who makes most of the decisions in the relationship ?
How is power shared?
Who is more financially secure?
How entangled are the two of you financially?
Children?
What are her opinions about homosexuality?
Is she strongly religious?
What type of marriage did and do her parents have?
How concerned is she about what others will think about your crossdressing?
Does she feel like you have a strong sexual desire for her or that you are not interested in her?
Does she enjoy her sexuality or tries to avoid sex and see's it as a duty?
What is her father like and is he a positive or negative male symbol for her and how do you compare to him?
In general what are her opinions about men, are they dogs who only think about one thing, irresponsible, likely to abandon you without a moments notice or is she trusting of men in general?
What is her physical attraction for you based on, Does she love running her fingers through your chest hair, attracted to chielsed features or does she like the prettyboy look?
What male movie stars or entertainment, sports figures is she attracted to? The silent strong types?
From your experience with her try to create her ideal man in your imagination and how do you compare?
Has she always been or in general is she confident in your love for her? This is a big one!
Do you walk on eggshells around her, is she a hate filled or rage filled person, seems to always be angry and negative ?
Does she think lesbians are sick?

These are some of the questions if I was married to her I would need the answers to so I could understand her state of mind and what I possibly could do to reassure her and help her work through her fears and anger, or if I'm being abused or not a good match for her and need to leave the relationship.

Many women have the same prejudices that many men have about men who crossdress and that is that they are weak, needy, passive, cunning, manipulative, sexually deviant, ect.. which are all misogynistic stereotypes used on women as well as on feminine men by men and women when in reality a feminine man is nothing more than a male who refuses to be turned into an unfeeling robot that worships violence and approaches life as if every moment is an act of war and thinks love is an act used to deceive in a quest for domination.

Terror, betrayal,rejection,disgust,guilt,feeling like a fool for trusting you,for loving you, for choosing you,for investing time and energy in you, fear of an empty future, feeling like a failure, of not having children?, Hearing I told you so from her friends and family, ect... This is what you are fighting.
Clothing is nothing more than symbols for deeper beliefs
Feel free to PM me at anytime if I can be of some help. Kelly

[*Vanessa*]

Been married 21 years. We are in counseling. What happens in counseling is very different than what happens at home.

So which one of you is lying then?

and you also said "Well the feedback I have gotten so far is I am a adbomination to God, I am psycho and need help, I have unresolved issues from my childhood, my mother did not give me enough emotional support and my wife does not like my mother for what she did to me. "

Who told you this or wife or counselor? Is your counselor a psychologist or psychiatrist? wow that's some god!

#JustSaying

[Tammy V]

My wife does not own heels and only wears a dress or skirt to an important event. I love to dress up and dress sexy too, but i dress around her almost every night at home and I find myself in jeans and t shirt of sweater/hoodie wearing female tennis shoes or flats more often than not at home. Why have I digressed to dress like her? One reason is I like to go shopping around here and that look blends in best. Besides that I do not want my female side to become a tomboy like her!

[Cheryl T]

I recently came out to my wife and I have been living a shit storm for about 2 weeks. Divorce is a definate possibiltity. I am just wondering if she is threatened by my feminine side. My wife has not bought a skirt or dress for over 10 years and never wears heels. Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.

She's probably not threatened...she probably scared she's losing her husband.

[Sandra]

Why when a wife is not accepting and struggling is it thought that she feels threatened? You have only recently come out to her, what did you expect her to roll over and be all lovey dovey and ok with it all...well it don't work like that and you'd better get used to the idea that it could take many months even years for her to come round, even then she may only be slightly accepting and not want to have anything to do with the cding.

She's not feeling threatened just most likely scared s***less and is trying to sort things out in her head.

[Shananigans]

I think for most cases, it's not really that GGs feel threatened. It would be really kind of crazy to have a big secret like this revealed after marriage, I'm not sure how I would react.

My wonderful SO told me after 4 months of dating, and 3 years later I think she is absolutely beautiful and she's the love of my life. The only thing I feel threatened by is potentially losing my SO.

I will say that I know my SO is very sexy and people notice. She hasn't been dressing very long, so she likes the affirmation that people think she is pretty and she likes the attention. This definitely does make me jealous. Not in a way that I am competing against my SO or that I am jealous of the way that she looks...but, I am jealous that my attentions aren't always enough and she can feeds into affection/attention from uggos that don't deserve to be talking to her. (JUST SAYIN'!)

I think each couple's situations are different, but those are my thoughts and occasions when I feel "jealousy." But, I feel my jealousy is pretty normal for most relationships...CDing and otherwise.

I also think that telling before a marriage has (obviously) different consequences than telling after a marriage.

I honestly really hope that you two can work things out.

[Karren H]

Pretty sure that 3 decades of lying (aka not telling) over shadows any kind of issue on who is or isn't more feminine...

[Marie-Elise]

Well the feedback I have gotten so far is I am a adbomination to God, I am psycho and need help, I have unresolved issues from my childhood, my mother did not give me enough emotional support and my wife does not like my mother for what she did to me.

Sounds like her personal convictions/fears (Abomination to God), worries about what people will say (psycho), worries about you (issues from child hood), and worries about the marriage (does not like mother in law).

What would I do in that situation? Tough to say but I would probably give her emotions some time to play out. She will eventually begin to look at it rationally. And, judging from what you said, she isn't about to go talk to anyone about it. I guess I would lay low, not bring up the subject until she does, and steel myself to always be calm and rational in any discussions with her whether or not they involve CD.

[DonnaT]

Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.
I would say so, and probably even a worse feeling.
Have you asked her that question?

Have you seen your counselor alone, and explained how she acts at home compared to in front of the counselor? If not, you should book a session.

You counselor can't help if lied to.

[Babeba]

When people are upset, they often overstate things. Does she actually think that you are physically an abomination? No, probably not or else you would not have gone to a counselor together but more likely an exorcist!! From your description of how you told her in dribs and drabs like you did, I can see why she would think of this as unresolved childhood issues - since she thinks it's just now resurfacing from when you were a kid. I don't know what your/her relationship with your mother is like... but something tells me that comment is coming from somewhere. If your mom was all apple pie and hugs and cookies, I doubt she would have made that comment. I think her reaction is pretty much normal for her situation.


I wish that your wife could join this site to get a rounded view of what crossdressing is from looking at the many individuals here who are examples of both decent human beings and crossdressers, plus be able to talk to those of us SOs who are at all levels of acceptance and start to feel okay about being with a crossdresser - but something tells me that you may choose not to let her know about this site, as she would then quickly discover that you had misled her/lied about only recently getting the urge to crossdress.

You've noted that she's not comfortable enough with talking to the counsellor face-to-face to say how she really feels; many people do find online support a help (particularly this website, rather than any of the more fetish-y crossdresser websites or the crossdresser's wives board) and it may help her truly express herself both to you and in the counseling sessions. It might also help her figure out how to build her concept of crossdressing, I found this board enormously helpful for that. If I were you - I would stop lying. I would man up and confess you've spent the past four years not sure how to tell her or if you should hide it, and you finally decided that it was too big to hide because that's not what couples do. You want to communicate better with her about it, and that you are truly sorry for the deceptions and lies. You were afraid to drive her away. Tell her about this site, show her the 'now I like it, now I don't' thread and the 'how to tell your SO thread.' Discuss ANYTHING that she wants to about this, and don't get defensive about it. Encourage her to join, and build up the 10 posts to come join us in FAB. I have been around for not TOO too long on here, but I have seen so many GGs grow SO MUCH in how they accept what is happening in their lives from this revelation, and go from having a strong sick-to-the-stomach physical reaction at the thought of crossdressing to being supportive within boundaries that both spouses can be happy with.

A lot of this will mean you will need to put aside your male pride, arrogance and ego... Nurturing and caring for others over and above some of your own desires and misgivings is a very womanly trait, and it is something your wife desperately needs right now. If you do not want a divorce, the time for deception is past. I am not going to say that joining this website will automatically want to make your wife want to stay with you, but it truly is the best place for an SO to get the answers she needs that may help save your marriage, if you're lucky.

[TxKimberly]

Damn right she is! She is threatened by the money I spend, the time I spend, and the effort I spend that could have gone to her and the children. She is threatened by the possible shunning if the neighbors found out. Damn right she feels threatened by my cross dressing but I sure can't blame her!

[BonnieSue]

What do you mean about counseling and what happens is not the same??????
Been married 21 years. We are in counseling. What happens in counseling is very different than what happens at home.

[Cheryl T]

Actually, when I came out to my wife and started dressing for her she wasn't threatened...she told me she was bothered that in some ways I looked better than her and felt I was trying to compete with her. It took a while for her to understand that how I dress is no reflection on her and her preference in clothing, nor am I trying to "outdo" her. I'm just being me and dressing in styles that I like.

Many times now we go out and I'll be in a skirt and she in slacks...that's just how we want to dress that day. Other times I'll be in capris or jeans or slacks and a cute top, but nothing ultra femme and we look like twins. Just as she wears what suits her, that's what I do. Perhaps that's part of the "threatened" feeling.

[Rachel Morley]

It might not be so much fear or being threatened by your feminine side, but rather what it all means to you, your relationship with her, what will others think if they find out. Also, what it really is and where will it all lead. Good luck.
I agree with Allie. Being threatened is what certain types of CDers think it is, but in reality there are a whole host of more plausible reasons as to why your wife might be so against it. The phrase "an abomination to God" that you mentioned worries me a little, as IMHO people that feel so strongly about things like this on a religious level rarely change. :2c:

[sissystephanie]

My late wife knew that I was a CD when we married. She never felt threatened by me being in feminine clothes because she always knew that I was her MAN no matter what clothes I had on. I made sure of that!!

Stephanie, your avatar says that you have found your balance! I don't think that is the truth!! From reading your responses to posts on this thread, it is apparent to me that you and your wife are a very long way apart!! I don't like to say this, but I think you would both be better off living apart, even if not divorced!

[ME2.0]

You probably haven't read my introduction--so I'll spare you the agony and sum it up quickly. I was a very depressed person until I found crossdressing. My wife and I had a heart to heart on the couch. I told her that I had found something that makes me happy and works for me, but it's a little different. I told her I had no interest in men and I love her more than ever before, or I wouldn't be comfortable about telling you the truth, but I'd like to try corssdressing. She asked me to show her. So I went in the bathroom and dressed in something we picked out at a Goodwill. I was so worried when I came out, fearing rejection, wondering what she would think, I almost didn't want to leave the bathroom, but when I came out, she said nonchalantly "You look good" and she started picking at my wig and straightening it out. I don't go overboard--she still needs her man. But I dress once a week or two. She has seen that I've not been this happy in a long time. When I'm happier-she's happier and we do more things together in male mode and we talk more. I don't go out in public dressed up. Also for me crossdressing isn't a sexual thing, so I don't push a "lesbian affair" on her. I think that would turn her way off. But she knows it's a cheap hobby/lifestyle that helps me find a vent for my depression, that actually cheers me up more than a counseling session ever did. I think that since I've "bared my soul" to her by completely shedding my masculinity, she actually feels closer to me, and I know that after that, I can confide in her about almost anything. Now I actually help her with her makeup as I learn myself, and we shop together.

You really need to start including her instead of deciding that the crossdressing thing is yours and she has to learn to deal with it. Tell your wife that she's absolutely beautiful,even moreso when she's dressed nice and made up, and that in a mans life it would be nice to feel beautiful, if only for a night. There can't be any more secrets. When a secret gets out--it's 10 times worse.

Talk it through as quietly and humbly as possible, and don't use ultimatums, or definate answers. Maybe you can dress when she's not home, or maybe a once a week thing like me, or maybe she can help you with the things like makeup that you just can't get right.

Just my opinions, hope it helps you even a little.

Staci

[suchacutie]

Stephanie, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this negativity. I won't restate all that has gone on before in this thread, but your last post struck me. Your wife calling you a little girl....

Let's face it, your wife's world has been turned upside down. She's on quicksand and no longer has any surities in her life. That fact alone would make anyone act in extreme ways, and, frankly, she sees you as the one who has turned her life upside down! So, the "little girl" statement clearly mirrors the fact that she has "lost her man" in her mind. She needs concreteness and the verities in her life need to be reaffirmed one at a time. There is no getting around this process. Please talk to your councilor about re-establishing the norms in your lives, which ones to start with, and how to do that. My choice would be that you have not stopped being her husband, with all that implies. (assuming that's the case and that you don't want to transition).

[Lucy Long Legs]

Hi Stephanie. Your story rings many bells for me. My wife also stopped wearing feminine clothes but that didn't stop me! I haven't had the aggression that you have suffered but she used to taunt my femininity and lack of manhood. I don't mind now - I agree with her. I have never been able to act the man and am happy to let her do it. She feels threatened because I am more feminine than she is. Once she realised I was not interested in becoming TS, she relaxed a bit. Perhaps if she fully realised your vulnerability, she would become less hostile. My wife became easier to deal with after she made me cry and my eye make-up ran! She helped me fix it.

[Rachel Flowers]

Mrs Flowers confirmed this morning that she is in no way threatened by my femininity. I knew that though.

Your wife has just had her whole world turned upside down and many of the fundamental facts of her life called into question. Lots of talking, listening and patience are required while she keeps changing her mind about whether and how much she can accept this totally new side of you.

[MandyLee]

Gosh did you think about asking her.


The only way threw this is talk talk and more talk. Don't talk about this at Home can we say new counseler time. A counseler should be giving you home work per say and encourging you two to talk talk and talk. If you love her some compramise will be needed.

[SweetPea_GG]

In the end you still have to remember this is all still fresh like an open wound. So like I was she is still probably very hurt by this and it will not change over night or even in a couple week etc. it could take months or years for her to get to a point if acceptance. But remember if you both love one another you can get through this together. Right now all you can do is be there when she needs you. She's probably venting out a lot of deep anger right now. Have you though about having her join these forums. It has help me tons since I've joined I've had a place to vent and after my vents I've felt a lot better.

[AnitaH]

I'm sorry for the trouble that you are going through.

Two things worry me about your situation. First, her strong negative reaction to you, not paying any attention to rules suggested by the therapist and no longer wearing her wedding ring. I understand that she may need time to come to terms with this but from what you have said, it sounds to me like her mind is already made up on the matter. She may have already decided that the marriage is over. This may change with time and I'm not in your shoes, you are closer to the situation.

The other thing that concerns me is her throwing small things at you. I worry that this may progress to larger more dangerous items. Having been there, done that, in my first marriage.(not CD related) It says that right now she has a great deal of anger against you and does not respect you. Be careful that her anger does not put you at risk, yes men are sometimes abused by their women.

Sometimes the SO comes around and if not supportive at least will tolerate the CD but as others here have found out sometimes they do not. I hope for the best for you. Please do all you can to show her how important she is to you maybe that will help.

AnitaH

[Allsteamedup]

After all the advice on here about coming out to a partner/SO you
suggest a trip to Vegas
so you can go out in public crossdressed.

Where were you coming from? What this implied was that your wife was entirely inconsequential to this trip. It was not about her interests nor enjoyment at all, but you wanting to walk about masquerading as a woman (OK, there's lots of it in Vegas).
Did you expect her to laugh it off/ Say 'we'll invite the neighbours....'; what on earth were you thinking about?

Why doesn't she wear dresses and skirts and heels? Because you never offer to take her anywhere where they might be appropriate. My SO last took me out in July2010, only because he won a night out in a raffle! He has since worn his finery to 9 support group meetings. No plans to take me out for Christmas.

Trying to blame this on your childhood and not having your homework done as regards telling her, when there is so much help available on this site, smacks of real thoughtlessness.

Remember that in telling her, your wife has choices. If she chooses something not your preference that was the choice you offered her.

The very notion that how you appear dressed could threaten your wife's view of her womanhood tells me how little you know about her as a person. That's sad.

Sorry goes a long way with women. Tell her you are sorry you told her in such a poor way. Tell her some SOs do this privately but you wanted her to know, and you would never go outside dressed without her knowledge.

DON'T tell her how much you love her as a possible way of getting you out of this.
Do offer to take her away for a weekend, somewhere of her choice where you can take a short rest from your issues. In the quietness of pleasant surroundings she may remember what she cherished between you.

[Beth Mays]

Been married 21 years. We are in counseling. What happens in counseling is very different than what happens at home.

you know your wife better than anyone, trust your feelings on her reaction.

I started come out 2 years ago. we have attended counseling both together and seperate. I was told the same thing over and over by 4 different ones. "just stop". she was told it is a choice I make. she will be very open to the idea at the time that I will stop at some point, and she can paint a picture that she can and will be supportive of me untill.... I put on a skirt and hose, then that goes out the window... then plates get broken, things are said, the shit storm starts again, over and over again.

We have seperated and got back together time and time again. she wants ME only as 100% man inside and out. I have even offer to go back in closet, but she says now that she knows it would not work. I know that as well.

And I should add: she no longer wears her wedding rings.

[Claire Cook]

Thank you to all the GG who replied to this thread, I do value your opinions. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday to discuss my crossdressing by myself. Not sure where to go right now. There are many more issues than just the dressing in my marriage right now.

Stephanie,

No two of us with wives / SO's / GF's have exactly the same situation so that it is difficult to generalize from individual experiences. Your comment that "There are many more issues than just the dressing in my marriage right now" would suggest that there is more to this than just being threatened by your feminine side. However it works out, you know our thoughts and prayers are with you on this.

[michelle50]

i don;t know to scared to tell her

[Abbey Lane]

It;s best to talk to her about it.
I also just told my wife last week as well but I don't think she feels threatened although I do not dress in front of her.