Coming out on Facebook

[Imeni]

Interesting Idea I had today.

I'm almost twenty six. I have no illusions of who I am or how I look. What I do or how I act. I'm supportive, non judgmental past the initial shock of seeing something I'm not used to. I try and be romantic and affectionate but it's hard when you second guess yourself in the matters of your feelings for someone. But something tugged at me. I'm hiding who I am from my network of people who are close, but still distant enough that I don't really see them. So much so that I have a second Facebook just for my cross-dressing and it hit me. If I'm so awesome, so proud of who I am, why am I hiding behind a second account only accessible to those who know my secret?

So I said to myself, to the hell with it, maybe I'll just make a status about how I'm tired of hiding myself behind a curtain and if anyone has a problem, the exit is through the door on the left. Don't let it hit you're bum on the way out.

But then I figured that I'd run it past you here on the forums. To see if its a good idea. I know for alot of those on here, it's not really an option. For family and friends to see, for a wife who could stand to loose respect or have to deal with harassment, it just isn't a possibility. But, my woman knows and supports me. Some of my closest friends know and are supportive as well. However, none of my family really knows. Knowing about it can't really hurt me in most respects, I've said before that if someone has a problem with me, by all means, door on the left. I know my mom might not be thrilled, but im almost entirely sure she wouldn't really care much past a few related questions. As long as it makes me happy, awesome possum. My step dad might poke fun but he knows when he's crossed the line. Its all in good fun.

But I find myself wondering if its really worth the effort to tell everyone. It would be nice to be able to be myself, but then again, some things shouldn't go on the internet. (Hence I have no pictures of me en-fem).

[Melody1985]

Imeni,

This is tough to answer. The safe comment I could have is to say that everybody is at a different place in their lives in regard to CDing, and you have to do what's right for you, because only you know what coming out is going to do for your psyche..

I really hate that answer, but unfortunately it's true. If letting the social network world in on your secret will set your mind at ease and give you that freedom you desire, then by all means do it.. But remember that there could be consequences that you may not be ready for.. For instance, you could lose almost everyone you Care for after this info reaches the people who don't know yet. That may seem like something you can deal with, but just contemplate that..

If you do it though, you gotta make sure that you are comfy with any results, cause like SRS, there's no going back!!

Good luck.

[vaga505]

I guess facebook is alot like the movie, peoples feelings and concept of you get hurt. I am afraid,,, like most people. I feel that it is like most things, it is like everything.
people have a outlook and I am there, I am someone, some place. I guess they feel like I am decieveing them,, and they get hurt about it. it is about them, facebook is about everyone other then me, facebook is about them. Crossdresser.dot com is about me/
Those of you who blend the two are something more then I can be. I am not better or surperior in any way. those of you who blend the two are more.... more......
more....
more GANGSTER. In my view, more superior then me, I am,,, I just am. I am in my comfert zone.
You are my heros, those who blend the two.
For others it is about doing the thing that bets helps you,
every person has their unique situation.
They may have it better on both sides of the gray line.
I would be a ****en gangster if I blend the two,,,, period.
But I am a bitch, a bithch, a bitch,
Muchos gratios
its ok
I am just...... in the end it is " I just am"

[Rachel Lea]

It sounds like quite a few know already. I would make sure your wife is in agreement with you and if both of you decide to let the world know then why not go ahead.

[kristinacd55]

Imeni, I too have 2 facebooks and for the time being I'm keeping (or trying at least) my girl one low key and more private. The future? Perhaps 2 will become one........sooner than I think!

[carolynn2fem]

Hi Imeni I just had a couple thoughts 1. never lie but dont always tell the truth is something my FIL said. so I proably wouldnt deni being a CD if confronted or just tell a selective truth. to put up a banner on facebook about being a cd or anything for that matter is to call attention to it. I'm wondering what is the benifit to advertizing?

[Imeni]

I think the biggest benefit would be that I wouldn't have to keep hiding it. I've always told people that remain on my friendslist, you remain because I choose to let you see into my life the way I see it. You, at some point, were-if not still are- important in my life for several reasons. Kudos to you for making the distance. I don't require friends on a friends list to feel validated, nor do i just randomly add people because of their display picture, (despite the few people on this site who's avatars are freaking adorable, man or woman behind the photo) I add you because you're important to me.

So logically, by telling those who remain that I do what I do, I no longer have to keep it, not so much a secret, as i tell people when I choose to warrent questions being asked, but just as a complication that I don't want anymore. My closest friends, my girlfriend, even now my roommate know (much to his displeasure. he doesn't want me wearing clothes outside my room. i agreed due to the fact he was almost never home until just recently. ugh.), so by just tossing it out there for the wolves, its a sink or swim situation. Those who are alright with it will be, those who don't care im sure will raise an eyebrow and continue living, and those who take issue with it, if they can't accept me for me, why should they continue to be considered a friend when you can't even be supportive of a so called friend? :o

[monalisa]

The one draw back might be that prospective employers are now checking facebook and other sources of information before hiring and although they wouldn't admit it might choose to pick someone else less beautiful. Also make sure your girlfriend is cool with it and if she is then go for it.

[jillleanne]

I'm almost.......never mind and I am completely dillusional about who I am apparently, so says my s/o by the way I dress and act sometimes. Your scenario sounds like you need to run the idea by your woman first before doing anything. You may also want to consider the fact some employers scan 'U-Tread' and all those other sites prior to hiring someone, right or wrong. Only you can decide this.

[Barbara Ella]

As has been said, you must be totally comfortable with it first. Next your wife must be in total agreement and comfortable with it, not a shred of doubt allowed that could come back in the form of an I thought that might happen moment. Talk it through completely, going over all possible outcomes, including the future employment considerations, recognizing your in the world life may change in the future and this a hard one to take back. good luck, it is ultimately your decision.

Babes

[stacycoral]

As has been said, you must be totally comfortable with it first. Next your wife must be in total agreement and comfortable with it, not a shred of doubt allowed that could come back in the form of an I thought that might happen moment. Talk it through completely, going over all possible outcomes, including the future employment considerations, recognizing your in the world life may change in the future and this a hard one to take back. good luck, it is ultimately your decision.

Babes

I think the girls here has given you great things to think about, i guess i would have to say give it so thought, and make sure it is what you want, because it is there it there, Best to you

[Alice B]

I happy the way things are now, with one facebook and no recognization as to Alice on it. Those that I want to know have already been told and they accept it. This web site is enough for talking to others that understand, get information and to learn. I see nothing to gain from a second facebook site and lots to lose.

[VioletJourney]

You can stop hiding without announcing to the whole world what you do. There's probably several things about me that most people don't know but that I would tell them if they asked.

[carolynn2fem]

[QUOTE=Imeni;2673481]I think the biggest benefit would be that I wouldn't have to keep hiding it. I've always told people that remain on my friendslist, you remain because I choose to let you see into my life the way I see it. You, at some point, were-if not still are- important in my life for several reasons. Kudos to you for making the distance. I don't require friends on a friends list to feel validated, nor do i just randomly add people because of their display picture, (despite the few people on this site who's avatars are freaking adorable, man or woman behind the photo) I add you because you're important to me.

Realistical it does not sound like You are hiding very much. there are those that know and allready have confirmation. those that dont have corfirmation 1/2 proably suspect and most others could care less. just be You and keep in mind like others have said one Big pitfall to facebook is future employers may consider what you post during the hiring process.

also I have one freind that I am almost positive he know about me based on his wifes coments. but does not want confirmation so I will leave it at that. and we are going hunting today.

[DressyJenny]

I'd ask you're self if you really want this. Posting something on Facebook is usually permanant. Since nothing is every really deleted for good on the net. Also Facebook has been known to cost people jobs. Once you let the cat out of the bag its out.

You might be better off coming out to the people individually. Obviously still very hard. But consider the consequences. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

[Babeba]

If I found out about something like that about a good friend on Facebook, I would think one of three things: 1) obviously if they didn't care to let me know in person, we weren't as good as I thought, that hurts... 2) did someone prank them?? 3) is this really real?

[DressyJenny]

Another problem with facebook is that privacy can be an issue. People tend to have so many friends and friends of friends. And then people can access it through public viewing if you let non friends view you're profile. So like I said , once the cats out of the bag, its out of the bag. Not trying to scare, just pointing that out.

[Imeni]

Yeah. While I liked the idea, that whole friend of a friend thing hit me earlier and I was like, weeeelllll.... alot of my friends have some of my crazy ex's on their friendslist for whatever reason. Best not to give them more ammuntion for the hate cannon than they have. I already catch enough crap just by remaining in the same city as them. Man, why don't women have a crazy badge pinned to their shirt when you meet them? "Oh snap. You're an 8? I'm actually going to not get involved with you. I already had dealt with four 6's earlier in the week. I just don't have enough compassion and determination to attempt you too." XD

[Launa]

I haven't posted any pics on the net either, I would like to have a seperate Facebook account but circumstances right now are not allowing me to do it. Facebook does have security settings that you can control, so there is a way to choose who can see your profile and pics. We all have to keep in mind that Facebook stores everthing forever and that means pictures, posts and private messages even if you delete stuff. So it might seem like a great idea at the time to put yourself out there but you have to ask yourself what is this going to get me or how will it help me out? You never know if you have to go to court one day or you may become a public figure of somekind and somebody throws up the CDing in there when you don't need it.
As much as I love Facebook and this site especially, not everthing is total reality! I wish it could be reality and I could post pics and do whatever I wanted to in the world but I can't. Maybe one day I will say "I really don't give a shit" but there are somethings I have to keep in control and not become reckless. This is one of them.

[DanaR]

Don't tell anyone that doesn't need to know.

[Badtranny]

Man, why don't women have a crazy badge pinned to their shirt when you meet them?

They do, it's called red hair. ;-)

I think CDs let this coming out thing get them so worked up that they lose sight of the goal. The goal for a CDr (I'm presuming) is to live a satisfying life and not have to lie to those they care about. To live an authentic life.

That goal is achievable by coming out to those in your immediate circle. I mean the people you live with, the people that would make things difficult or stressful if they didn't know. In most cases, work or clients DON'T need to know, but your SO or housemates DO need to know if you don't want to be a prisoner in your own home.

I know (and adore) a cross dresser Melissa Rose, who is always out and about, in fact she is very involved in the Sacramento Gems and she will go anywhere and do anything and she passes quite nicely. She is by all accounts totally out except for her job, and extended family. My lovely friend AllieSF also appears to be totally out but is not out to her family. Being OUT means something different to everyone but I think the bottom line is you deserve to be happy and if you feel like you need to be out, than just do it to the extent that you have a sense of freedom. When those boundaries start to feel small, than push them out a bit more. I'm against the nuclear option for CDs because I don't see a big enough advantage to it. Why do irreparable harm to your life, when you only dress up on the weekends? I used to race on the weekends but you probably wouldn't have known that unless we were friends.

TS's don't have a choice, there is no such thing as a closeted transition. CDs have a many degrees of "out" available to them, why not take advantage of that?

[Ashley_Marie]

Facebook is not someplace I would come out on. Too many variables that you can't control. I guess I just have seen too many movies about cyber bullies.

[CamilleLeon]

Facebook is incredibly impersonal...that's a lot to put out there in a single status. It sort of trivializes it. And this sucks, but potential employers are going to be checking on you through your facebook and you probably don't want that to be your first impression. Obviously none of us think it's a big deal, but that could be the difference maker even among employers who wouldn't care if they found out after you demonstrate you can work well. Just ask yourself: what do you have to gain by coming out on facebook?