I would like your thoughts, please

[LeaP]

I'm very hesitant to post this for a number of reasons, but would appreciate any thoughts.

I've always said I ID'd as TG, androgynous, in fact, and not TS. As I've indicated in other thread responses, though, I've had inklings of identity change or emergence (borrowing from Kim) lately.

The one I'll describe below was, in several respects, pretty trivial. I also have trouble describing it completely or accurately, so please cut me some slack. If you think the post doesn't belong in this forum, I'm OK with that response, too.

The experience was a simple realization. I've been contemplating going out publically crossdressed and have taken some steps in that direction. Thinking about it this morning, basically placing myself in the position mentally, I flashed from seeing myself presenting female to feeling female. Put another way, it went from external to internal. It was very strong and it was very compelling. It was startling, so startling that I stopped everything else that was going on around me and sat rather astonished (or dumbfounded) for about a half-hour and it's going to occupy my thoughts for a while.

I'm a serious person and the question is equally serious. Has anyone had similar experiences? I KNOW that many transsexuals know their gender ID virtually from birth. Many others, however, do not. Did anyone who did NOT identify as TS originally but does now have this sort of experience? Conversely, has anyone entertained doubts about their identity and wound up dismissing the significance of things like this?

Lea

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lea,

It is possible that you have mentally crossed a threshold to viewing yourself as female as opposed to just thinking of yourself as imitating a female.

I have friends who are CD that have had the same thing happen to them.

Most of them have discussed this with a therapist and have come to the conclusion that it was a progression in their cross dressing as opposed to them being something other than what they are.

I'm not dismissing you are what you have felt Lea I am thinking that it is a progression in your cross dressing.

The fact that you are using the term "cross dressing" to describe what you are contemplating doing sends up flags indicating to me that you consider women's clothing the opposite of your gender's clothing representation.

The only time I cross dressed was when I had to wear mens clothing which caused much mental anguish and severe depression.

Perhaps you have felt the twinge of you being something different than a CD but what you described indicates that you are still being what you were meant to be, a cross dresser.


Julia

[Leanne2]

Hi Lea,
I have known since I was three or four that I liked dressing as a girl but it took a lifetime (58 years) for me to realize that I am a transgender woman. For the last three years I have been looking through female eyes and I see everything in a different way. Every day I realize that nature played a cruel trick on my body. I wish this condition had come with instructions. But it didn't so here I am, living as a man with not much life left to live. I am stuck being an imposter. Oh, I wish I had figured this out fifty years ago but that is water under the bridge now. Leanne

[*Vanessa*]

Hi Lea
In a blinding light these and other feelings, acknowledgements, realizations are coming into perspective for me on a daily bases for reasons I have no clue about.

For me it seems that this knowledge is shrouded in a mask of the biggest mindscrew starting at family life one can think of. I have learned 'here' what that means in general through chatting, writing, posting like the crazed girl I finally know I am.

Somehow I knew and conveyed that I was girl and told anyone that I thought would listen (my parents). From that moment onward it was there job to make this child think another way! This was so incredibly wrong, but what else was available in the prairies of central Canada in the '50s.

The biggie came only months ago, Vanessa has claimed her day! Now I have to figure out how that is going to happen.

This IS the correct place Lea and you are ok, trust me please.

EDIT: A reflection on what Julia stated (with respect). I do not believe this is has anything to do with cross-dressing. Xdressing was a form of release from the cause, if you will.

[Julia_in_Pa]

I see your point Vanessa.



Hi Lea
In a blinding light these and other feelings, acknowledgements, realizations are coming into perspective for me on a daily bases for reasons I have no clue about.

For me it seems that this knowledge is shrouded in a mask of the biggest mindscrew starting at family life one can think of. I have learned 'here' what that means in general through chatting, writing, posting like the crazed girl I finally know I am.

Somehow I knew and conveyed that I was girl and told anyone that I thought would listen (my parents). From that moment onward it was there job to make this child think another way! This was so incredibly wrong, but what else was available in the prairies of central Canada in the '50s.

The biggie came only months ago, Vanessa has claimed her day! Now I have to figure out how that is going to happen.

This IS the correct place Lea and you are ok, trust me please.

EDIT: A reflection on what Julia stated (with respect). I do not believe this is has anything to do with cross-dressing. Xdressing was a form of release from the cause, if you will.

[Andy66]

Aw, Lea. :hugs: No need to feel hesitant about posting. We are all (hopefully) learning and evolving throughout our lives, in different ways. Gosh, sometimes it's so hard to be human. I'm 45 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have to separate out all other factors..its hard to do..

Real fear
imagined fear
mental/physical health
self esteem
religion/spirituality
current relationships
how you look as female? is there a realistic chance to pass??
financial situation
etcetcetc

all these things INFLUENCE how you think of your situation...They F*** with your head...they mask the real issue...
for those that fight to be male, there is often a long realization that ends up trumping all of the issues and excuses ....generally speaking its a slippery slope, very FEW cisgender people begin to seriously consider their gender..

the key word is seriously because many crossdressers fantasize about going all the way , but its not a serious matter...its fun and exciting.

[LeaP]

(2nd reply ... lost the first)

Thank you - all of you, for the manner of your responses. I really appeciate them, both in content and tone.

I DO use the term "crossdress" because it usually fits the context, but I have a real problem with the semantics. It fits from the perspective of a change from my daily dress. It does not from other perspectives. I have never, ever, identified as male, for example, so from that perspective it is a change ... but from what to what? Got me. I have no term for this. The best I can do is what I described in another post in connection with a recent outing (female jeans/top, but otherwise presenting male). It just felt normal.

This does screw with your head. Everyone thinks they know what it means to have the rug pulled out from under them. But not when it means that you are pulled out from under you. It makes you question reality. I've been having revelatory experiences with increasing frequency since coming out with my wife about a year ago. Lately it's been flooding. My post was brought on in part by the flooding, partly by the startling experience of having a foreign, utterly other me suddenly crop up out of nowhere (the example at hand), and definitively by the sum of the experiences resulting in my questioning what I am. I need input. I've lost my bearings (perhaps my marbles, too - who knows).

Lea

[Traci Elizabeth]

I don't have any thoughts about your questions but I did stay at a quality inn last night.

[Starling]

But seriously, Lea, you may have what some transpeople call, "had your bell rung." To use another metaphor, it could be that you're no longer a cucumber, but a pickle.

I spent years floundering in a sea of confusion (metaphor three), until I came here and got real information, instead of all the claptrap offered up in the popular media. And that got me to a gender therapist, and the therapist is helping me assimilate the new truth about myself.

Be grateful you had this epiphany, because clarity is your greatest asset.

:) Lallie

[jillleanne]

Lea, I am trying to understand your thread and share my thoughts as to how I read this.
1. You have never been out in public dressed.
2. You went from fantasizing about being out dressed as female to actually feeling what you would expect to feel like if you were out in public as a female? You had emotional feelings.
If I may, many of us have been there also, particularly when we are locked in a closet. For some, me included, that feeling returns often even after we have come out of the closet permanently, like myself. Here's an example from my perspective. I am out, period. I stay en femme sometimes for 2-3 weeks at a time 24/7, but I always return to my drab self. Sometimes when I return to drab, I feel anxious, mildly confused, to sum it all up, " out of place " . I do not feel 100% male, in fact, at that time, I feel about 65% female, and so, the inner physical and emotional feelings are all mesed up. I cry watching tv, etc. My feeling get hurt easily, etc. I know I'm in drab mode, but feel stuck somehere in between. I even have to mentally and visually check to think/see whether I am wearing makeup, earrings, etc. before going out as I simply forget if I am or not.
From what you are saying in your thread, I suspect you are just having a great day, in that, your desire to go out in public is becoming so strong, you are now becoming emotional about it and sensing feeling you never sensed before. If I'm correct, that's about as normal as it gets, and it will continue to get stronger and the thoughts/fantasies will deepen about other things as well, i.e., real breasts, etc. Do you dream about being out as a female, doing female things, being out with other women for example? These may all come in time so be ready but , do not misread anything from them if you do. Most of it all just comes down to fantasys created by the urge to move forward in your life as a gender enhanced person. Now maybe there is more to your situation, but for many it's just strong urges to move closer to spending more time en femme in the real world, away from the famtasy world. I would also expect it to be directly linked to self acceptance of who you are.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

jilleane

feeling 2/3 female and 1/3 male means what to you?? that you are crossdressing and love to present female as much as possible ? i'm guessing your work and family situation allows that...and TONS of crossdressers without close family or out of work do the same thing... and it has nothing to do with transsexualism...is that what you are getting at?

[Hephaestus]

I'd always identified as a cross-dresser, until moving out on my own and experiencing enough of it to realize that it wasn't a little hobby... and that it wasn't going away. I'd repressed all my gender confused feelings, and hid them away at adolescence. So, while I do have those very early memories of gender confusion, it wasn't exactly like I always knew, on a conscious level. Explore your feelings, perhaps a good gender therapist could help?

[*Vanessa*]

After reading a few posts of Lea's other posts I don't think I was that far off with my reply.

<Rant>
<OffTopic>
I don't understand the harshness from some of the replies. Why throw someone under the bus if they are using words and phrases that are different then the ones you want to read or used to reading? That boggles my mind. I ask this without anger, I just would like to understand this mindset.

It is not my intent here or anywhere for that matter to stir the pot. Maybe I just recognized a person in serious trouble, through my own reflection. Using abstract conversation is very important to a person that doesn't not know this conversation as there is no reference for them. This is a common thought process of people new to the information of TG/TS to talk in the abstract. You can read this in many posts on this site. Why bash the person with the only tool you have in your toolbox, the hammer?

Incredible!
</OffTopic>
</Rant>

POST EDIT: I apologize for taking offense to some of the replies. I read the OP as a cry for help. I usually find this type of post in the CDer's forum, so naturally reach out to help. My error.

[LeaP]

Actually, I don't feel bashed in the least. The responses come off largely as pretty gentle which, given the reservations I expressed in the OP, is a relief.

Female ideation isn't the least bit new to me, physical change included. The sense of being female and "other" wasn't in the musing about dressing, though - it was triggered by it, but in the here and now, and lingered. The onset was instantaneous, hence the startle (if you've ever seen an infant physically startle from sleep, that's what it felt like). Again, forgive the imprecise language and analogies. And my bell was rung.

I've had a strong sense of place in the TG spectrum, pretty fixed for a long time. It's not too far from what Jillianne describes in some respects. There are aspects of feeling a bit of this and a bit of that.

Lallie had it exactly right in using "clarity," though - which is exactly how I described it to another member in a PM: "It was just so clear and unencumbered." No bits, no in the middle.

Lea

[Inna]

I had experienced life of confusion, regret, feeling of abnormality, guilt and mental sickness. At age 7 I knew I liked girl things, girl atmosphere, girl this and girl that, but whenever I looked at the mirror image presented in front of me, I quickly understood that this is going to be a tough road ahead. I became introverted, shy away from others, withdrawn and generally depressed about life..........but one thing was certain............I wasn't certain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had no idea who I was other then twisted boy with feelings other then most boys I knew. So I went on [-]living[/-]pretending to be just a boy.

I did a fantastic job at that, and became a man, he he, if they only knew how unmanly I was :eek:

So to answer your question: no I didn't know what transsexual meant, the term transgender wasn't anywhere on the map, nor understanding of such phenomena, heck in Poland in the 70s and 80s being gay was a death sentence!

I lived in denial, and more I denied the more it pressed on, she wanted out! I closed the door and sworn not to let her out again and time after time I gave in to her pleads, and opened the door as wide as I could. As time went on I moved from crossddressing to feeling overwhelmed with femininity, deceit was crumbling down.

Then came a faithful night when I decided that I was so close of blowing the whole thing open that I decided to take this secret to my premature grave, and attempted suicide.

Well, I am writing this right now, so you can conclude it didn't work, I stood at the brink of abyss but then was given a choice.................go ahead and end this existence or, embrace the truth within and live!

I chose the second option, from there I allowed her to take rightful place along the side of the boy and slowly she infiltrated my entire being with the most wonderful essence one can imagine.

I opened my eyes for the first time in my life to reveal wonderful and colorful world of miracles and love, the same world which only yesterday seemed hellish and doomed.

Truth lies in your heart, let it soar like a free bird, it will take you where you need to go, but be brave, truth hurts like no other but at the end she is the essence of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So now what?

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!

LOL...actually its the opposite...this moment will pass and you will have many more moments. You can chill out until your feelings solidify and your true nature becomes apparent to you..

[Anne2345]

So now what?

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!

OMG!!! This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! Lololol!!!!

[LeaP]

So now what?

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!

LOL...actually its the opposite...this moment will pass and you will have many more moments. You can chill out until your feelings solidify and your true nature becomes apparent to you..

Yup - not that there's much choice anyway!

Question is, if your nature can be called into question, how can one ever trust that something true has been reached? That's the difference, I guess - I've always been comfortable pursuing the resolution of issues, and figuring out my place in the world. It never occurred to me that my sense of myself might change. Me but not me. Familiar but foreign. Maybe something I forgot.

Thanks for the humor. It made me laugh. I think I needed it!

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

thnx jilleanne...i thought your post was great..

i think it lays out one really important perspective , and i asked because i wanted to know where you are coming from

[LeaP]

thnx jilleanne...i thought your post was great..

i think it lays out one really important perspective , and i asked because i wanted to know where you are coming from

It's a perspective I understand (fully) and will continue to consider for the extent of its validity & applicability. A few minor clarifications, though: I've been going out in mixed mode lately (presenting male in female casual clothing). It's interesting that my wife thinks it looks very feminine - but I can't see it. It just looks and feels comfortable. There's a weird disconnect there that I haven't figured out yet. Many of the other things Jillianne mentions have occurred for years, with at least one notable exception - dreaming as a female, which started happening only in the last few months. Finally, I wasn't having anything like a great day. In fact, I was coming out of a difficult few weeks with a lot of gender-related ups and downs, specifically long periods of dressing interspersed with a couple of pretty bad reactive experiences.

I mostly attribute the increased frequency of these kinds of experiences with being more fully out with my wife. Light fosters growth, I suppose ... Being out was, in turn, pressed by my inability to stay closeted any longer. I did not expect to be psychologically confronted by these experiences, however, nor do I know where they are going.

Lea

BTW - Vanessa, thank you for defending me. There is trouble in this, no matter how I look at it.

[Empress Lainie]

I just knew I was not like other "men" or "boys" all my life. I had an epiphany the night of July 2, 2007 at age 72; realizing that night, reviewing my life after the first tg meeting I attended by invitation from a TS I had been almost dating for several months; that I have always in fact been a female person. I never lived another day as a socalled "male". It was such a feeling; wonderful, enlightening, feeling freedom, exhaltation, and more. I immediately knew this. I first felt it at the meeting when I was addressed as "she" for the first time. (Well not really, when out with my gg friend of 20yrs, we were always called "ladies" by waiters (due to my long blonde or red hair); and I was called "a pretty girl" for the first time by a band member when I was dancing, a month or two before. Everything female: movements, walking, even my voice, was just natural to me. I now am fairly sure that I am XXY or XXY mosaic due to the things in my body that are more female than male. I will have it tested soon.
I very soon had people I didn't know come up to me and tell me I was beautiful - that was the 2nd biggest surprise of my life; the first obviously was I was TS. After that night there was never a single doubt.

[Andy66]

No doubt, realizing you don't know who you are is the emotional equivalent of free-falling. The thing is, you eventually get used to that feeling, and maybe even find some positive things about it. Hang in there, Lea. It will turn out okay because ultimately there is no other way it can turn out. :)