Advice please? (possible new relationship)

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I'm not looking. But this weekend was very special. There is a girl that I met a while back (before I came to terms with my gender issues) that never gave me a chance. Maybe because I was obviously intimidated by her. She is 3 years older than me and far more stable and successful than I am. She is also quite a bit more confident and has a bit of a strong personality. But this weekend was different. While she was the same girl I met many months ago, she was actually interested in me. She talked me up all night and asked me to dance. It was so nice to feel wanted again. I haven't felt that in a long time. Anywho, I don't know what it was, my confidence level or that I wasn't throwing myself at her like some others, but when I wasn't at training I was with her. She is absolutely wonderful. She is strong willed, independent, and crazy fun to be around. The chemistry is awesome and I know she is as interested as I am in pursuing a relationship. She commented on how much we have in common, and I agree.

But there is a catch. Of course there is always one. And I am sure there have been others who had this problem too. Well when we met. I was in complete male mode. That is as far as voice and mannerisms go. I was out with guys from my unit when I met her (it was a army drill weekend UGH) so there was no way for me to go as myself even though everyone knows in my unit, it would not have been good. Anyhow, SHE doesn't know. Now, I know I probably should have held back and not entertained the idea, but like anyone I do get really lonely. So I did.

And now I feel aweful. I feel like a horrible horrible person. A lot of it because I spent the night at her house (....yes....). And she made it easy. Not that she was easy, like I said I have known her, and the first time I talked to her I wasn't even given the chance of day. Anyhow, she made it easy because she is way more dominant than I am. I wasn't forced into the normal male parameters, and even though I know she saw me as a man, we talked about girl stuff with ease. But back to the point, I feel like a super low life, because she doesn't know and definitely seems to have some feelings towards me. I mean how do I tell her this after all that? How can I live with it if I hurt her? I mean I need to be true to myself and a relationship can't be built on a double life. Which I would not do anyways. I am Teagan 99.9% of the time excluding military weekends. But this weekend I did what I had to do and was Jaik. But how do I tell her? Should I tell her now? Or should I wait till she get's to know me even better? She wants to come visit me at my home... Do I dodge that and risk seeming a runner? There is no hiding my very girled out room. What do I do?!

[RenneB]

I'm by far not the person to be taking advice from, but most of the senior girls here are going to tell you to be open and honest as that is the best way. Me on the other hand can't seem to come to grips with the possibility of loosing it all when the status quo is just fine. I hide in the closet and the SO doesn't know..... I think.

I tried to be honest when she found Renne's 4" heel/knee high boots but she said after my first lame excuse that they were for her, "better for me than for you". So I took them back, back to the closet that is, and nothing has come of it...

Each relationship is going to be different and each outcome from commin out is going to be different. You're pretty early on in the relationship so it doesn't seem to be much too loose.....

Just thought I'd weigh in here.... sorry it isn't more helpful...

Renne.....

[Aprilrain]

I think you know what you must do.

[*Vanessa*]

It's all about respect. Respect for you and a specially your new friend. Marriages fails so much of the time, why add to the negative. I was married for 27 years and told her before we got married, actually about our 3 date.

Apart from your heart being in your throat it's easy. Take her out for coffee, sit in a safe spot so you can talk freely. Then "I have something to tell you Beatrice. the other night was absolutely amazing, we had such a good time. I feel the need to tell you something of my so you know the real me.......... "

Pay the bill and go to her place ;)

Not to be little you but it is that easy. Don't worry the words or timing you will be fine. But please tell her while she style feels free to make decisions, specially if she is Dom.

take care
Vanessa

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I just feel now like it should have been one of the first things out of my mouth, somewhere between "hi" and "I have to be back to the armory at 8 am." In order to have a relationship with her I would have to tell her as I live FT... It's just a matter of right wording I guess. Thanks for the help ladies. I know it seems like a simple solution, but I am sick of this part of me holding me back from everything else in life, and as I said I really dig this one.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Teagan,

Honestly hun I could never do it like that, this is why I ended my relationship then went & transitioned.

After I was out & living full-time as a female, I contacted my ex to tell her who I really was. Initially she
was shocked, so I didn't push anything on her and just gave her time and space to come to terms with
everything. I just focused on our friendship and just let the chips land where they fell. Anyway, after
taking her out to an LGBT event one night she came out of her shell and this was the first time I seen
her repressed bisexuality. Needless to say we finished up in bed together, but this time it was as two
women, not a man and woman. It was obvious to me by how she was touching me that she has had
lesbian experiences. However the next problem we faced was being in an open lesbian relationship. She
was happy to keep seeing me, but wanted it kept discreet. But I am not one to want to hide away any
longer. So I told her that I couldn't do that because I was sick of lying to people and not being true to
myself. Then there was another issue where she would get very jealous and angry because our friends
were complimenting me for how I looked and not her. So we were fighting and arguing again, so I ended it.

I realise now that it is not fair to either of you if you keep these things repressed. And I know that with you
it can go really good, or it can go badly. However one would hope that by being honest that things would
workout for the best either way and if you were not successful in having an intimate relationship then you
could at least be the friends because you trusted her enough to come out to her about something so important.
I think if you are out to everyone else in your unit and not her then that is not fair because it looks like you
trust the guys in your unit more than you do her. So I think it is important that you tell her about this ASAP.

I believe that it is important to focus more on your friendship with this lady
more than the more intimate (or sexual) aspects of your relationship.

Also this is the type of situation that really threatens most transsexuals and could lead to them de-transitioning,
leaving them with deep regrets later about the decision to repress their gender issues. The last person I know
who did this ended up trying to hang themselves before they finished up back on the mental ward.

So the bottom-line is Teagan I believe that you will hurt her more by not telling her and letting this drag on.

Hugs Xx

[stefan37]

1 or 2 dates doesn't matter much. Your friend needs to know the truth about you if you plan on getting serious. The road of life is treacherous, Make sure the individual that rides with you is fully aware of the hazards they may encounter on the way.
Keep it fun while you figure things out. The more honest you are with yourself and accepting , then you can get others to share your vision.

[jillleanne]

It's ovious you have two things going here; one being you like her, and two being you have gender issues that you feel may have a negative impact. Well, there are ways to go gently in outing yourself to her and staying friendly as a worst case scenario or having a serious relationship with her, best case scenario. You could start slowly by asking her how she feels/her opinion about gays, lesbians, tg people overall? Is she prejudice, or indifferent? Ask her if she knows anyone or has met anyone, or how she would feel if one of her kids someday in the future happened to be GLBT. This of course would all take place during a period of days, not minutes. The bottom line here is at some point, you will need to confront her with the issue so I would start out telling her slowly and reminding her how much you care for her and your answer will follow. Like it or not, you have to be yourself so start out being who you are and you will remain yourself in the future.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If this was football , here is the score..

Being transsexual 51
Dating 0

There is no comparison, it is not a dilemma, there is nothing to tell ,you can't even be certain (no matter what you say..you can't) that you will be into women if you fully transition..

Getting serious with ANYBODY right now will complicate your transition, and more than likely end up hurting you.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Be careful.

Hetrosexual GG's are not to be trusted when it comes to relationships despite what they say at the beginning.

It's the same story over and over;

""" I met a GG and she says she's quite alright with my dressing or my plans on transition """

Then after a period of time the " concerns" and the "complaints" start rolling in like bad weather at the coast.

Who's fault is it?

No one's really.

She didn't know the extent of what GID and being trans was so she became "concerned" and "guarded".

There are very rare "hetrosexual" women that will love you for you but the chances of that are as astronomical as me asking you what Ferrari you'll be buying today with your Powerball winnings.

If you must pursue this then be very very careful to avoid heart break and pain resulting from it.


Julia

[Aprilrain]

Kaitlyn and Julie excellent observations and advice!

[Jorja]

So far, I think you have done an execellent job of handling this situation. You have allowed her to see him for who he is. If you feel that strongly about her I would not wait much longer in telling her about Teagan. Seeing as how you live as Teagan 99.9% of the time excluding military weekends it is better to get it out in the open than attempt to live in misery for both of you.

I will quote what Julia said, "If you must pursue this then be very very careful to avoid heart break and pain resulting from it."

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

I told her... thread can be closed. She wants to be friends but no relationship out of it. Thanks girls.