Do I make contact ??

[Jessicajane]

Hi all,

Please can you give me your thoughts on a dilema I am facing....

I would like to make contact with a transgendered lady who lives on the same estate as myself...(same street actually)...I m just looking for someone to have a coffee and a chat with ...

I am totally not sure of her situation ....by that I mean she may be transitioning...or just comfortable as an open CD...she lives with her wife/partner...and has children, the same as myself...she goes out dressed most of the time...and passes really well...
On the rare occasion she has passed my door I have said Hi and she has responded but appears shy...probably unsure of the reception she is going to get as many of the neighbours are less than undersatnding...she also always had one of her children with her and I have not pushed any contact, as I feel it inappropriate under these conditions to approach.

I have thought of just going and knocking on her door but ...is that not a bit confrontational/ a bit direct ??...if she does not want to chat or make contact it is a bit of an invasion of her privacy and territory....and what on earth do I say!!...what would you think if someone unknown rocked up and announced on your door step that they were a CD and wanted to chat??!!....OK yes I am terrified of doing it that way as well, as I would be potentially outing myself to someone I don't know but just appears to be of a similar disposition to myself....

I have tried to engineer a situation where our paths cross...but to no avail and goodness only knows I don't want her to think she is being stalked !!LOL.....

I'm not sure how my beloved would take it either...being literally on our door step...it would raise more than a few eyebrows from the neighbours...not that I am that bothered , but it would bother my SO and I am very mindfull of that.

Sowhat do I do??


Do I just stop trying and accept it probably will not happen or do I muster the courage to call arround and ask if she minds having a chat sometine....

[Rachel Flowers]

If you noticed another guy on your street had a similar hobby to you, you'd probably go straight round and say Hi, I noticed your bike / guitar / soccer shirt / dungeon and thought i'd pop round and say do you fancy getting together for a chat sometime?

This is different because its very personal, part of her identity, and something that she will be likely to presume you regard as most of society does. If you do approach her, I believe you should make it about you coming out, not about interrogating her. Imagine you successfully make contact; what do you actually want? Be clear about that first. Keep us posted!

[noeleena]

Hi,

Try this write a letter pop it under the door or post it & just say your a dresser or what ever , & if she would like to make contact some where that would be lovely & if not then thats okay.
I do this on the net, as well so have many contacts , by doing a letter it means its not face to face so gives the one concerned time to think about what to do , leave her with your details what ever , she then can answer or not , go from there , all the best.

...noeleena...

[Noel Chimes]

Hi Jessica. The first thing I noticed was that you said she passes by on occasion but she has one of the children with her. Now I am assuming that she is in "femme mode when passing by. (Please clarify) Perhaps if you were dressed as well when she passed then she would know that you were of like minds. This might be a way of introducing yourself without being confrontational. Don't push things but leave enough signals that you are aware of her lifestyle and are very comfortable with it.
However before you take the opportunity to make contact please discuss it with you SO. Your home MUST be a place of peace and harmony. Discuss with your SO your ideas about trying to cultivate a new friendship and find out their thoughts and feelings on the subject. Home has to always be your first concern.

[Jenniferathome]

What would you do if she was not transgendered? Likely, you'd knock on he door and introduce yourself to your neighbor. I don't think this is any different.

[Elizabeth Ann]

I agree with Noeleena that a nice note would be a good way to approach her. You obviously know her address. But do discuss the note with your wife, as she may have some suggestions or conditions that would make it acceptable to her. Noeleena's suggested content is good: I am cd/tg/whatever term, and would very much like to chat over coffee sometime, but I respect your privacy and if you do not wish to pursue it, that's fine. I would add some personal information, if you are comfortable doing it, to increase her comfort level: I have been crossdressing for X years, don't feel guilty or embarrassed, wife knows and (approves, tolerates, participates?), and am heterosexual (no sexual interest in meeting).

Good luck. I would love to have a neighbor to talk to about this.
Liz

[donnalee]

The difficulty with a note is - what if someone other than the TG, such as her SO or one of the kids gets the note first? As you don't know the situation, your note could inadvertently cause a large problem for the TG; not a thing you want to do if you are looking for a friend. I suppose you could seal it in an envelope and write "for your eyes only" but, since you don't know her name, how do you address it? One idea might be to walk by her home several times while en femme so she's aware that you're TG as well, but if you have potentially hostile neighbors that might cause problems for either or both of you. Everything has it's risks; as you are closest to the scene, you will have to make a judgement call. The best idea may be to do nothing.

[Chickhe]

What if she is a very masculine looking female? She could be shy because people assume she is a male. On the other hand, if she passes well...as they say, it is easy to spot groups of two or more, so she might want to distance herself from you. What you should do is consider what you have in common other than CDing and talk to her about that.

[Karan49]

Personally, I wouldn't want to be contacted by another transgendered person just because we share an affinity for clothes. I enjoy sharing much more common interests than crossdressing related activities. But if you need to communicate I suggest you discuss this with your wife and perhaps she may even want to open up communication with this other person's wife. Then she can find out if you and this other person have anything else in common. Good luck

[Stephenie S]

Why is it that when ever this subject comes up all reason and politeness just flies out the window???

DON'T bring up this subject with a stranger EVER! EVER, EVER, EVER! This is SO impolite.

You all just FREAK OUT at the thought of someone finding out about your REALLY PRIVATE hobby, yet the minute you think you spot another crossdresser, you all want to out them as fast as possible. DON'T do it!

If you really want to establish a friendship with this person, do just what any other POLITE individual would do. Invite them for coffee. Or some other innocuous offer. Get to know them first before you unleash the "Oh, I noticed that you are a crossdresser", bomb on them.

Really. Outing another crossdresser is totally inconsiderate and impolite. DON'T do it!

Auntie Stephenie

[EllieOPKS]

So I totally agree with Noel Chimes. But I totally agree with Stephenie S. IMHO I have to put myself in that scenario. If I am walking down the street en femme and another cross dresser "times things" to meet me at the bottom of the driveway and says hello, then I would say the ball is totally in my court. If i respond with a smile, nor nod and keep walking, it is apparent I don't want to talk. If I comment on how beautiful a day it is, I would say it would open the door for more conversation.

[*Vanessa*]

...

I have thought of just going and knocking on her door but ...is that not a bit confrontational/ a bit direct ??...if she does not want to chat or make contact it is a bit of an invasion of her privacy and territory....and what on earth do I say!!...what would you think if someone unknown rocked up and announced on your door step that they were a CD and wanted to chat??!!....OK yes I am terrified of doing it that way as well, as I would be potentially outing myself to someone I don't know but just appears to be of a similar disposition to myself........

Do you have a personal card (business cards for ordinary people)?

Wanna meet someone, you first have to approach them. The way you suggested is good enough, isn't it?
Go upto her door, ring the bell, then
- if no one answer put your card in the mailbox or door frame
- if she answer introduce yourself, and ask if she would like to share a coffee sometime, and hand her your card

What else? :)

[stacycoral]

I think the note dress to her only by post, that way it is delivered, and the family know that it is her mail to look at. Good Luck, i hope you make a new friend.

[Miranda-E]

Normally I'm in the leave people alone camp.
however the "she goes out dressed most of the time" part leads me to believe that she isn't fulltime OR closeted.

say hello.

[gabimartini]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I couldn't agree more with both Donnalee and Stephenie. Whichever way to choose to approach this person will most probably be very awkward, at best. Just let go.

[KellyJameson]

The loneliness of living as a minority among the majority certainly makes understandable your desire to meet a kindred spirit but if you are (closeted?) and she is not I see problems. Also it sounds like your S.O wants you to maintain a low profile in the neighborhood. Talk to your wife and if she is open to meeting them ask her how she feels about talking to the other wife first.

If she goes out dressed most of the time but not all the time than it is an open secret in the neighborhood so she will assume your wife knows and her approaching them will be an act of acceptance. Something they may be very appreciative of and possibly very much need.

I'm shy by nature and never want someone to approach me I do not know but I am open to meeting people at my own pace and she may be the same way. You seem to be outgoing, comfortable meeting new people and possibly the life of the party? All good traits but this can be overwhelming for people who are shy, reserved and quiet by nature.

[Stephenie S]

OK, guys. Some of you didn't quite get my post.

I did not say don't reach out to this, or any, person. I didn't mean that at all. What I DID say is that your crossdressing CAN'T be the sole reason to reach out to another. You should make contact with another human being of ANY persuasion by being friendly, complimentary, and POLITE.

Imagine this: You are out. Wherever. A total stranger comes up to you and says, "Hi. I'm Carol. I'm a crossdresser too." How do you react? If you are "out" for the first time ever you may freak out and run. In ANY case you will have trouble gaining your composure. Now just suppose that your trans-dar is a bit off. Woops! You just outed yourself to a rather masculine looking woman. How does SHE feel? Other problems could arise.

Most of you want to keep your anonymity. Most of you want to "come out" to another person on YOUR terms. It's never all right to assume that another CD is willing to out themselves to YOU just because you want to.

But. You can always approach another person. A smile. A compliment. "Would you like to get some coffee?" All acceptable things to do.

"Hi. I'm Jody. I'm a crossdresser too", is, however, NOT the right way to do this. Personal stuff like that should remain (MUST remain) personal until the OTHER person decides they are ready to share. It's simple really. How would you go about meeting ANY one new? Not by revealing your CD status right off the bat. No, no, no.

You CAN meet new friends. But unless you meet them at a CD/TG event, politeness demands that you keep your very personal information to yourself until you become friends.

Stephie

[josee]

When I have had neighbours that I wanted to meet I would knock on their door with a plate of cookies or a cake or something. When they answer the door say something like "Hi, I don't believe we've met. I'm Jessica out meeting the neighbours and wanted to drop off this fresh plate of cookies as a way to welcome you to our neighborhood". Then they will either strike up a conversion or slam the door in your face but you made the first move and who dosen't like a warm plate of cookies? If you feel right about it you could go enfeme then you will find out for sure. If the wife answered the door she'd probably say something like "Honey, one of your friends is here".

[beau]

I have a silly thought next time you see her walking down the street just ask her if she would like some company and go for a walk with her. Leave the trans subject for later just get to know her first. The only delemia you have is when to tell her you are of similar mind

[Barbara Ella]

First, clear it with your SO She needs to be included as this involves two families. Dropping by with a plate of cookies or cakes just to let them know you are friendly and non threatening would be a great gesture. No discussions of partners traits at this point, however. THis then puts it in their court if they want to pursue anything further. At least it gives them or you an excuse to return or pick up the tray. You might use this as an excuse to come back at a pre arranged date and time to pick it up and perhaps chat over a cup.

Babes

[josee]

And they might invite you in for coffee or tea.

[Stephenie S]

Yes. Now you're getting it. The plate of cookies is a great idea.

S

[jjjjohanne]

If a neighbor couple came to my house with a cake or other baked good and just said we wanted to meet you and say "Hello", it would not be too direct or awkward. If someone is uncomfortable with your visit, they will not let you in. You might consider wearing subtle ladies shoes and/or colored hose if you want to communicate you are a CD. You could attempt the rubber band on the wrist thing, but they might not know what it means.

[nvlady]

What's wrong with "Hi, how old is your kid? He/she is really cute." This should at least get a conversation going. And then if she is enfem, "I really like your blouse, or shoes, or hair."

[Jessicajane]

Thanks for the advice girls, I have appreciated reading the different views, the cookie idea made me smile...it may be a nice gesture but with my skill in cooking I would probably poison her..or worse!!!..

There is no doubt that the lady in question is transgender as I have seen her in drab as well as dressed...she seems to have taken a move forward in the last months or so and I pretty much only see her dressed now...

I have decided on a course of action..once I have cleared things with the SO (not an easy task) I am going to hand deliver a chrissy card to all the neighbours in the street..including her..and will just pop a note inside saying that we have finished the back yard / pool now (it is a new estate) and give an open invitation for them to come around with the children sometime for a swim and a BBQ....hopefully that way they have the option to do nothing and I will let it go...or hopefully they will send a card back or make some gesture that they will visit...

I have also considered my motivation behind this..and in truth I am just really lonely..its great to chat with people on the forum but its not the same as having a one to one convesation with someone who has a hope of understanding things and your feelings, I have started to make a few friends online and I appreciate their contact but again it lacks the human element / conection... I have my wife and I love her dearly but it is just a part of me that she can not understand ...conversations relating to the subject are strained and short...I dont know why I am feeling this way now..but I have never felt so isolated...

maybe its just a phase?

[josee]

Deffinately understand the isolated and lonely feelings.

[Angela2me]

Jessica, what part of Adelaide are you in? If I may ask. I can not remember if you said where before. I am down south in Seaford type area.

[drag n fly]

I can empathize with your dilemma, Jessica...I would make sure this person is not a woman...Perhaps you have seen him/her in male mode, too? Still...approach the subject very gingerly...smooches Jackie

[Jonianne]

.....You might consider wearing subtle ladies shoes and/or colored hose if you want to communicate you are a CD....

I was thinking the same thing, maybe you can intergrate some of your cd'ing into your everyday life or at least when there is a chance of running into her. Even if it is something small, she probably will notice and maybe from there things could click.

But, just remember that some people just want to be private. My Angel and I were an interracial couple and there was another interracial couple down the street. I always tried to be friendly and spoke, but I could tell they were a super private couple and we never really connected.