Confused and in pain!

[Longing2be-Trisha]

My wife and I have been separated almost a month now. She has told me that her family Aunts, uncles, brothers and their SO where told why we were separated. Now she tells me she has just told them just in case they see me dressed as a woman while out and around town. She told me my nieces and nephews are taking it hard that I don't want to be Uncle anymore. I totally understand that she is in pain about me, but it still hurts when she tries to confuse me and hurt me emotionally to get me to stop being transgender. I have no clue what exactly she is telling them or in what context so they my understand how I feel. I am just in tears and broken hearted right now like she has told me she is.:umbrella:

Hugs

[*Vanessa*]

So sorry to hear this Trisha - painful times...

I really doesn't matter what she or anyone is saying about you does it!? You have a new life you have already started, why try bring your old life that didn't make sense in the first place with you on this journey?

You will be fine, hang in there..
Vanessa

[gabimartini]

I'm sorry to hear about it. It's hard to be separated per se, but under these circumstances, talk about adding insult to injury. I understand she may be hurt and hurting, but to expose you like that seems deliberate and unnecessary. Any chance for you to ask her to stop that and accept it, since we both know the alternative (you stop dressing) won't happen?

[Melody Moore]

FFS! Sorry, but why couldn't she just butt right out and let you deal with it?

I think this would have been better than coming from her because obviously she
is hurting then people start to feel sorry for her, while not understanding your side
and this will no doubt put a lot of stress on your relationship with everyone else.

I also believe this highlights why you should come out to everyone and not just a few
when you make that decision to transition. I know it's hard but you have to come up
with different ways to do this, depending on your relationship to that person. If you do
come out to anyone, then you also need to ask them not to say anything to anyone else
and to let you deal with it or a lot gets lost in the translation and things get a lot worse.

It is hard to offer any advice considering what she has just done.
Right now I am just sitting here and thinking... "What a bitch?".
Sorry, but it must really suck to be in your shoes right now :hugs:

[Aprilrain]

expect the worst hope for the best, and figure out where your money is going to be coming from.
i would just tell her that you cant have conversations with her right now that aren't absolutely necessary. This really is what is best for the both of you.

[arbon]

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so much right now. :hugs::hugs:

There is going to be some lose and some ugliness in your relationships, which can really hurt! But you are doing it, Trisha is getting a breath of life :) , and it is going to be difficult as you go through that process of change.
One of my friends is always reminding me when I hit those hard spots that I have to be willing to let go with love and compassion and let them work it out for themselves, because I cannot go back for them, and I cannot make them react to it the way I wish they would.

I'm not a guy, and I can't live as one anymore, that's just the way it is.

My wife was at times very mean to me about it. At other times she was very supportive. It is a big change in their lives, and can be very scary and there are a lot of issues with family and there are reactions.

It can be emotionally brutal!

Hang in there. Eventually it will all work itself out.

[Frances]

While I sympathize with your situation, I find your threads dizzying. You are either through the roof with euphoria or completetly depressed. Are you bipolar? Are you seeing a therapist?

I will be Kate for a day here. It is not going to get better with your relationship or your guilt over wrecking it. Nobody can stop you from doing or being anything, you give them power over you. I learned this the hard way. It's not being selfish to save oneself, and walking away from everything is often what must be done, even though it is incredibly painful.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Trisha,

This is typical behavour by family members. They are sad and very confused about things.

Don't approach them right now, just be you.

In time you will be able to speak with your family at length about this.

If you attempt to do that right now most likely you will push them futher away due to emotions running high on both sides.

Be patient with them and yourself.


Julia

[Jorja]

I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, this ugliness is a part of life that always seems to follow a seperation or divorce. I know it hurts deeply. She is hurting and trying to make you hurt just as bad.

I am sure you have read the words recently, thick skin. This is where and when you need to have that thick skin. As much as it hurts you have to allow it all to slide off your back and continue on your path. If necessary consult a lawyer. Know your rights, obligations, and responsibilites. Then respond with a cool and calm head. It is going to take some time but it will get better.

Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Ladies!

Thank you for your support and thoughts! The only reason It hurts so bad and is confusing is my wife is my best friend. The pain and confusion she feels, I feel ten fold. She came over and We cried our eyes out. She hates what people are saying about me. Like I told her they don't bother me it what they say, they are protecting you. You are the one I care about and what you say can hurt me the most. I told her to tell those people to talk to me directly if they have a problem with me. We hugged and cried some more and she left to go put our daughter down for a nap.

I see my therapist again on the 12th and my physiologist on the 4th of Jan.. I have always know this path was extremely difficult and painful, with highs and lows. I got very thick skin at a young age, but when the ones I love hurt I hurt.

Hugs to all!

[*Vanessa*]

.
Come on sweetie - stiff upper lip.

It is really hard to follow your thoughts. First you say your wife is the cause of the comments then tell us she hates the ones making them.

Maybe she is crying her eyes out to get more fuel for her fire.

Way too hard to follow.

#JustSaying

[josee]

I don't know, but it sounds like someone is messing with your head, Trish. Do you actually know for sure if what she told you is the truth?

[ReineD]

I have no clue what exactly she is telling them or in what context so they my understand how I feel.

Can you write a letter to your family members, and tell them what YOU wish to tell them?

I'm sorry for your pain. :sad:

[jillleanne]

Trisha, I'm sadded to hear you are having a rough time with all time. Understand there are many here that share your pain with you. Many times someone is outed in this way by the spouse to protect themselves if you will. They feel you are the sole reason for the breakup and to prevent anyone close to her thinking she may have had anything to do with the breakup making her look like the 'bad guy', this is her way to ensure everyone knows she is fre and clear from any fault. Cruel at best.
Stay focused on your life and remember, you have to do what's important for you. How anyone else decides to handle any information they hear is entirely up to them. People are not stupid by nature and if any of them decide to contact you for whatever reason, accept them with open arms and go from there.

[Terri Andrews]

I am sorry for your pain and I know how you feel because I was there about 20 years ago .
It hurt because she told our family and the people I worked with .
it was tough for a while but the pain finally stopped and I got on with my life .
Now I am out and about ,as Terri, and she is struggling to get by .
As Reina said you may want to write a letter ,not to justify who you are but to say that you are still the same person .

[Melody Moore]

Yes, I would be very careful of crocodile tears, because as others said she is the
cause of all of the gossip, not you! This appears as though she has gone out of
her way to fire then comes running to you to save you from your inevitable doom.

A couple of my long time male friends tried giving me a hard time to see if I would
crumble and go back to being a male, but of course that didn't work. But the point
is people do try to save you from transitioning when really they have no clue what
it is about.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Trisha ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

My exwife told me she wished i was dead...she said she hoped the kids hated me, she was angered when her friends told her being ts was not a crime, and even more angry when her parents said they felt sorry for me...

at the time, i felt "against" her...we were opposed...i was angry at her...but i realized i had to let go of everything..i was wrong to be angry..i needed to be as understanding as possible..
a couple years later, we are best friends, our kids are great...

i'm telling you that even if today it seems beyond terrible, there is always another day..

i'm not a fan of writing, but Reine has a good point..if the word is out, one way to help yourself is an impassioned plea for understanding..a letter expressing your love for them, explaining your situation, affirming their fears and confusion (which you share!!), and offer to talk with anyone that desires...

[Allsteamedup]

Rather than outing you, your wife has taken the responsibility you should have felt and told those near you.
Your nephews loved you as an uncle, that is very clear. They now have to go through a mourning process, just as if you had died. Their uncle is dead. Their parents' household, their school work, how they interact with their friends, all disrupted, and just before Christmas, too.

You are not dead but they do not have a replacement uncle. They've got aunts, where do you fit?
This is the harsh side of transitioning, Trisha. Nobody is trying to mess with your head, nor pretending anything. Your decision will cause a lot of pain all round. Learn to be a woman and take it.

Have you tried to encourage your wife to date again or is it too early yet? There are some very supportive sites for families and children of a transitioning parent. Feel free to PM me.