Iffy Experience

[GBJoker]

Long story made slightly shorter...

In my sociology class, I was grouped with three girls to give a presentation on one of the chapters in our book titled, "Images, Representations, and Accounts." My teacher had given the previous groups crap about not making a bang of sorts at the beginning of the presentations in order to grab people's attention. So I thought that this would be a good chance to go to class dressed up, in order to prove some points about "images, representations, and accounts." Wore the same outfit that I described two months ago on here when I attempted to go to school dressed for Halloween (but ended up chickening out).

The reaction was.............. Mixed, to say the least.

The idea was for me to take off my big Green Bay Packers jacket right as the first girl said "We use images to form opinions about people we meet, especially those we are in contact with only briefly." I was very clearly shaking the whole time (honestly, one could have looked at me at that point and thought I was having a seizure). BUT, I said my stuff, and kinda just stared at the other girls in my group, and tunnel-vision'ed the teacher whenever she talked.

Then the bad part came. Teacher asked what I was supposed to be representing. I had told her earlier in the semester about my being transgendered, but it was because of a completely different topic, so I don't know if she was wanting the class to understand the costume better, or if she was kinda hoping/praying I'd have the courage to tell the truth, I don't know. I forgot to ask, 'cause I kinda bolted out the door to run to the bathroom to change back to guy clothes at the end of class.

I took a deep breath, trying to force ideas into words, and said, "Obviously, if you check my DNA, I'm a guy." And I instantly fell apart because about half the class giggled. The teacher saved me by saying "I see nothing funny about him being a guy. Continue, West." So I kept going and told my big secret, "But, I am a transexual." I used TS, because I know that most people don't understand the spectrum thing.

Despite showing that I have bigger balls and more guts than most people in the class, I very nearly left the class early, but stuck it out for some reason. I still immediately sat down, ripped of my pink winter hat and scarf, and put my coat back on as fast as possible and tried to will myself to be smaller and more invisible.

Quite frankly, I would not have cared about the laughing if it was all people aged 18-24ish. But it was people aged 18 to like... 40ish, who laughed.

So now I'm home, in guy clothes, still shaking, and wondering if I made the right choice, and should I ever do it again, ya know, the same thing all of us freak out over the first time out. But, I wanted to get on here and at least tell you all that I've maybe... maybe... made progress of some sort. I dunno. I'm still extremely rattled and am not able to really force ideas into words to describe what I'm doing/feeling right now, so I figured I'd at least get the story out here, and then come back later when I've cooled off a bit.

[donnapink]

I believe you have shown great courage and this will make you stronger. I know how emotional you feel to stand up announce that you are "different". I think you are special and I hope you will accept youself and be the best person you can be as yourself. People may have laughed because the situation was a sudden suprise. I think you will earn their respect for your courage.

[AllieSF]

Congratulations on taking a good risk, which probably turned out better than you thought. Your answer to the teacher and the way you started it was perfect. Always remember, when embarking on a serious topic, humor is one of the best intros that you can have in your arsenal of tricks. I totally relaxes everyone and takes the nervous edge off of them and hopefully you too. The giggles were probably because you were stating he obvious in a nice way ("If you check my DNA").

I know the feeling of being totally exposed in front of a group of people. I was and still am afraid of public speaking. Go figure, because today I can walk up to just about any stranger in guy or girl mode and talk to them, and I can take over a large work meeting without ever thinking about it. In my freshman year of college in the mandatory public speaking class I had to give a demonstrative speech, explaining how to do something. I took an iron to class and when it was my turn I took off my pants (I had shorts on underneath) and proceeded to tell these needy students how to iron a pair of pants. I was nervous, took a risk and couldn't wait to sit down. But I did it! That is what is important, you wanted to do something like that and just did it. I would not worry, I would rejoice. Now everyone in the class knows about your gender identity and you may be surprised one day when someone comes up to you to talk a little about it. When that happens, just take a deep breath and answer briefly and correctly, and then let the other person ask away. Enjoy the moment because it is about you and something dear to you. You have everything to be proud of because you are starting to own it, and it is yours. Congratulations again.

[Persephone]

Wow! You may still be shaking, but you did it!


:cheer:

You rock, girl!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jamie2]

[QUOTE=GBJoker;2677965]Long story made slightly shorter...

In my sociology class, I was grouped with three girls to give a presentation on one of the chapters in our book titled, "Images, Representations, and Accounts."

In my opionion,

A; Images,,,, You gave them a VERY visiable one to impress with.

B;Representations,,,, You tried to give them the best that you had available to you.

C;Accounts,,,, You were under a LOT of stress after your presentation, and didn't have your speech all laid out.

This is one very fine example of trying to find the freedoms of this great nation expressed in your own words & actions.
Don't give up yet, the ones that understand (teacher) and the ones that don't (students) will have questions and expect
some kind of smart answer,(NOT a smarta$$ one). Now you have to do more homework to present a more full explaination for them to understand.

I really do wish you luck in this lifelong learning curve that we call life.

[arbon]

Wow is right! lol I'm sorry, but had to laugh a bit reading this! I think what you did was very very brave :)

but maybe warm up to stuff like this a little first. It seems like showing up in your classroom in drag and telling everyone you are TS out of the blue, and you are not really that confident in yourself yet, had to be hard on you and people probably did not know what to think? If it was me, would be way to overwhelming if I had never been out much and was not yet realy comfortable with myself in public.

maybe some more trips to the mall and stuff like that where you are not so vulnerable and boxed in, to get more confident first?

[Nikki A.]

GB you did fine and I hope you learned something. Remember, you sprang this out of the blue and the first reaction for someone that didn't expect this is to laugh (ala Tootsie).
You then did explain yourself well and once the people realize what you said and feel and represent you may find that they will be very understanding (except for the ocasional jerk or two). One of my first public outings was a wedding I was invited to by a coworkers mom-in law whose sister was one of the brides. I was told I could come dressed, I was treated well by all who attended, and had some fantastic conversations no matter what their orientation was. However there was one knuckle dragging uncle and his son who kept shooting me dirty looks and looked like he wanted to start with me. I mentioned it to my friend and before you knew it I had most of his family sitting with me outside at the benches with his sister borrowing my lipstick. You'll be surprised how you'll be treated when you see these people again, especially the younger college crowd.

[GBJoker]

donnapink: I'll never have this class's respect. They hate me because of my political views. But what can ya do...

AllieSF: I didn't intend to start with humor. And it kinda didn't sound funny. Possibly because I was sorta freaking out a bit. I mean, right as I finished my sentence, I almost broke down and started crying. I instantly had the image in my head of just falling on my knees or running out the door just to get away from every one. But some how, I managed to suck the tears back into my eyeballs and just stood there until our group was allowed to sit down.

arbon: It was hard on me, yes. But to answer your second question, I don't know of any good place to go to warm up to everything that is involved in CD'ing. And I've no one to hang out with. I've recently contacted several organizations near me, but no one has answered in almost a week. So... I got nothing. I just don't feel comfortable doing it all by myself, ya know?

Plus, I really don't feel comfortable talking about sexual topics. Yes, I do include being TG into that umbrella subject. Partially because... That's just how my mind works. Also because, you bring it up to any one, and as we all know here, they're gonna ask that pain in the butt question, "Are you gay?" And it's a pain in the butt to describe what being bisexual, AND transgendered mean, and that they are indeed (surprise surprise!!!) seperate from each other (at least for me).

Nikki A.: But this was a community college. It's not a "younger college crowd." Its people of all ages who laughed (and most of whom did were the loudest arguers against me in the class).

But anyways...

After taking a nap and thinking about the whole thing a bit, I think it may have been a mistake, but oh wells, I can't change the past. The whole experience also just reminded me that my specific college campus is not welcoming to the LGBT community, as I have always suspected/known, so... Yeah... I'll have no real reason to dress up next semester, and when I go to a real college, well... That'll depend on what classes I take besides history.

Also, I lied to my parents about everything. They don't know I went dressed up, and if my mom does, she hasn't said anything. Basically, I was using this opportunity to try it without having to involve my parents, and as the title of the thread says, it went iffy as far as I can see.

[KellyJameson]

I had the same reaction just a big WOW, that was gutsy. I got rattled just reading it. I could feel my heart beat going up.

Being on stage or going out in public is easy compared to the intimacy of a classroom. At least on stage the lights blind you and in public you probably never will see the same people twice. I'm always impressed by those who talk in front of groups where they can see exactly what everyone is feeling and thinking on their faces, but you have taken it to a whole nother level.

Just keep reminding yourself that peoples opinions cannot kill you even if it feels like it. That was a huge step, congratulations.

[sandra-leigh]

I know that I found it relatively easy to go out in public in forms and a skirt or dress -- provided I had on makeup and was wearing my wig. Not that that kept people I knew from recognizing me, but it was like "plausible deniability", like if I were ever pressed I could say, "Hey, it wasn't me you saw!" As long as I had my wig and concealer, then mentally my identity was a sort of secret identity, even if people greeted me by male name.

I went on that way for a time, but it wasn't enough for me. I had these "You Can't!" ideas that were keeping me unhappy. "You Can't go out in public as a guy in a skirt!", and then later "You Really Can't go out in public in a dress but no wig!". I would build up "I Should..." and then I would skip out from doing anything about it, any old excuse in a storm. It was hard to build up to going out dressed as me, no secret identity -- hard to implicitly admit to everyone who saw me that I was most definitely crossdressing and a cross-dresser.

Saying that you are a CD or a TG or TS to people who know you is difficult and scary. But we go through with it for one of three reasons: A) we don't care what other people say (and although some of us don't care much, we still tend to crave and appreciate acceptance); or B) we build up the courage to reveal ourselves; or C) courage loses its meaning, and we reveal ourselves because we are at a point in our life where we have to, that keeping ourselves secret and bottled becomes the worse alternative: to be yourself in public as you want to be, as some point you have to start being yourself as you want to be.

I've done a lot of things that people would say I am courageous to do. Not much courage was involved: typically I either didn't care or I needed to do them.

It seems to me that this was something that you needed to do -- and you've done it. That it was uncomfortable at the time is completely understandable. You took a key step for yourself, by yourself; other steps will follow.

[GBJoker]

sandra-leigh: I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, but I'll try to respond.

Personally, now several hours after the whole thing, I don't think what I did was courageous. "Stupid" is the word I'd use. Possibly "impatient" as well.

I dunno, now I feel that I shouldn't have done it, and everything would be better. Personally, it wouldn't bug me too much, its just that one of the girls in my group appeared to really want to talk to me after class, but we never got a chance to.

I also feel that I never want to do it again.

[cdtraveler]

Haven't presented myself enfem in public yet but did openly shop the Dress Barn for first time today and tried on a few outfits so can relate to the gut feeling exposing our fem side in new ways and create and reading your note could empathize from that perspective. Just need to remind ourselves that we have to be true to our core self and do what makes us happy. We open doors in life and then see where it takes us. Suspect you'll need to remember to be your most fearless cheerleader as the only one we need to be OK with is ourselves.

[DanaR]

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Time will well how everything went. I can understand the horror that you felt when those in your class laughed. This is one of my fears, the pain can tear at your heart. Let us know if you feel like updating your experience from this class.

Hugs, Dana

[GBJoker]

The part I found lacking was preparation and tie-in to the assignment. You were on a stage with a captive audience ... and you didn't have your act together. That's what I would have found scary! Ya gotta be prepared when you go in front of an audience, whether it's your family, a class, or in a theater.

I have never had a problem with getting up in front of people and talking about stuff with little to zero preperation. Heck, I didn't even know what parts of the presentation I was going to be talking about until ten minutes before class started. The only part I've a problem with is the family thing. But oh wells...

As for things sinking in... I dunno. It takes a lot for stuff to really........... I guess the word is, "affect" me. To use an example, and more importantly, to put it into perspective, depending on who is talking, if they are talking about some one being beaten up and ripped to shreds by a violent mob hell bent on killing the man, or at least, knocking him unconscious... I grin. How do ya think I got the nickname "Joker"? Especially because apparently, the grin or smile comes off as being a sociopathic smile that only the Joker would don. But, as I say, depends on who is talking.

DanaR: What do you mean by "updating your experience from this class"? I think I've said about all I can about this specific event...

[DanaR]

DanaR: What do you mean by "updating your experience from this class"? I think I've said about all I can about this specific event...

What I meant was how everyone in your class see's you after your presentation. How they treat you or if they make you feel comfortable in the class. Are they friendly to you. Does this make sense?

[taís]

GB, I believe that your current bad feeling will vanish in time. and it won't leave a scar — it's more like a badge that says "Laughter? Been there. Tsk". it hurts now, but it won't hurt forever... you've lived it already, and as your confidence builds, this episode will just make you more proud of yourself.

I also think you were very brave. It takes a lot to take an attitude like that. sometimes it's just like that, a kick in the door; even if this event don't prove positive, at least you'll be experienced from what happened.

and hey, don't think about it too much. give yourself time. I think you did great, and being honest is sometimes very scary to ourselves. my heart is with you, be well. ;*

[DanaR]

My wife and I were talking about this. I made a comment to her about my fears of people laughing at me if they were to see me crossdressed. I'm still somewhat naive, I don't see anything wrong with dressing this way. I'm not doing anything bad or hurting anyone, just being or enjoying myself. Her comment was that this is how our society has viewed us, a man dressed as a woman, as humorous.

[ReineD]

Quite frankly, I would not have cared about the laughing if it was all people aged 18-24ish. But it was people aged 18 to like... 40ish, who laughed.

I really don't think they were laughing at you. I'm guessing it was a nervous laugh, possibly because they detected your discomfort, they sympathized with you, and they didn't quite know how to make it all better.

And I'm guessing your instructor just wanted you to tie in your visuals (you in an outfit) with the theme of your presentation. She wanted you to possibly discuss the difference between perception and reality for example. I don't think she was looking for an in-depth confession about your gender identity. But the cat's out of the bag now, so you should just own up to being transgender should anyone ask about it during the next class, and be proud. But, I suspect by then that most people will have forgotten about it, simply because I don't think they understand the full meaning of it all. Probably most people have a very sketchy idea of what a transsexual is, since I'm sure they don't know the difference between DQs, CDs, and TSs. I say this because a few years ago before I got involved with this community, I thought they were all the same.

So, give it time, hold your head high, and walk into the next class with confidence. Soon it will all be behind you. :hugs:

And next time, be sure to divulge who you are on your own terms. :)

[donnalee]

sandra-leigh: I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, but I'll try to respond.

Personally, now several hours after the whole thing, I don't think what I did was courageous. "Stupid" is the word I'd use. Possibly "impatient" as well.

I dunno, now I feel that I shouldn't have done it, and everything would be better. Personally, it wouldn't bug me too much, its just that one of the girls in my group appeared to really want to talk to me after class, but we never got a chance to.

I also feel that I never want to do it again.Firstly,
:GD:
I'M PROUD OF YOU!

You exhibited courage in the face of what must have been a nightmare situation for you, and even though you wavered toward the end, it took a lot of intestinal fortitude. Yes, I know it seems a lot like stupidity right now; the two are often confused.
:cheer:
Congratulations!
You have reached Adulthood, and we're all glad to have you!

[Justindresser]

Dressed up for my girlfriend once.... she said i liked it too much

[Loveday]

GBjoker, why kick yorself in the head, its over. Heck, I got so nervous before a speech once I sprained the muscles in the back of my neck and had to do the speech in a neck brace.
The thing to do now is to look forward. Now on that campus at least in that class you will be a representative of the TG community and I bet a few will have questions for you and yea a few idiots will have remarks also - just blow them off. As for the laughing it could have been their reaction to the amount of courage you showed and the shock of what they were seeing probably for the first time in their lives.

[Debb]

PROUD OF YA!

Seriously. That was really gutsy.

A lot of people get "buyer's remorse" ... that's where they go and buy a car, and later do a lot of second-guessing, regretting the purchase ... sorta like what you're doing to yourself.

This will turn out to be a good thing. The next time you gotta get up in front of people to tell them something personally uncomfortable, it'll be easier .. you'll have this experience behind you.

Now people may feel free to come up and ask you questions. This is a good thing ... you don't have to be all practiced and shiny, your replies can be hesitant, or even "I don't know" ... this is your chance to be yourself.

Yes, some people will laugh and make fun. The world is sometimes heartless. This will help you build a thicker skin.

All platitudes. The truth is, this stuff hurts. Still, we are proud of your big step, and we wish you well.

[arbon]

Personally, now several hours after the whole thing, I don't think what I did was courageous. "Stupid" is the word I'd use. Possibly "impatient" as well.

I dunno, now I feel that I shouldn't have done it, and everything would be better. Personally, it wouldn't bug me too much, its just that one of the girls in my group appeared to really want to talk to me after class, but we never got a chance to.

I also feel that I never want to do it again.

I don't think it was stupid - you were just moved to do it and you did it. It would not be better because you would be regretting not having done something that you were really wanting to do and you would wondering what would have happened if you had. You took a big chance and you did it :)

Now they know, and you can't really undo that. So, I like what Reine said be proud of you are :)

[arbon]

Personally, now several hours after the whole thing, I don't think what I did was courageous. "Stupid" is the word I'd use. Possibly "impatient" as well.

I dunno, now I feel that I shouldn't have done it, and everything would be better. .

I don't think it was stupid - you were just moved to do it and you did it. It would not be better if you hadn't because you would be regretting not having done something that you were really wanting to do and you would wondering what would have happened if you had. You took a big chance and you did it :) It would have been a lot more then I could have handled, I could not had done what you did like that.

Now they know, and you can't really undo that. So, I like what Reine said be proud of you are :)

[DanaR]

We all look back on things that we've done and thought maybe we shouldn't have done it. What I've learned from things like that, is to think it out a little more before I actually execute. Just keep your head up and everything will be fine. There will some people that are in your class that might become better friends.

[Barbara Ella]

It may take you awhile to get over the self recriminations everyone feels when they do something off the charts. YOu did a fantastic thing in a truly appropriate manner and after some thought you will see it that way. We are all proud of what you did and can only hope we would have the same courage when our time comes, whatever that may be.

Babes

[Dana7]

I took a deep breath, trying to force ideas into words, and said, "Obviously, if you check my DNA, I'm a guy." And I instantly fell apart because about half the class giggled...Quite frankly, I would not have cared about the laughing if it was all people aged 18-24ish. But it was people aged 18 to like... 40ish, who laughed.

It's important to understand why these people giggled. I don't think that they were giggling at you, or at what you were wearing. It's quite apparent that they were giggling at the irony of what you were saying about yourself despite what you were visually presenting. It was your humor about the obvious contradiction you were presenting them visually versus what you were saying about yourself--the irony that they were giggling about.

From the Wikipedia article on Irony: "The psychologist Martin, in The Psychology of Humour, is quite clear that irony is where “the literal meaning is opposite to the intended”; and sarcasm is “aggressive humor that pokes fun”.[10] He has the following examples: For irony he uses the statement "What a nice day" when it is raining. For sarcasm, he cites Winston Churchill who, when told by a lady that he was drunk, said "my dear, you are ugly ... but tomorrow I shall be sober", as being sarcastic, while not saying the opposite of what is intended."

Your statement about being genetically male while presenting as a woman was a perfect example of irony, and that is humorous. In other words, the account you gave them about being genetically male sure did not jive with the feminine image they were beholding. That's what humor is--irony. And that is why they giggled! But the representation you made after the teacher requested your clarification made sense and resolved the contradiction. You fulfilled the three elements of your text; i.e., image, account, and representation--through the use of ironic humor.

And if they were laughing at your ironic humor, then that is a perfectly normal reaction. Often levity is used to break the ice in a tense situation, and that is what you did. But more importantly, it really doesn't matter what these people think about you anyways. What matters is what your instructor thinks. You were an effective means to the goal the sociology teacher was trying to achieve with the class--"making a bang of sorts at the beginning of the presentations in order to grab people's attention." And you did just that!

I think you'll get an A in that class!

[Ellyn]

Makes me think of what Eddie Izzard does on stage. (I liked his acting as a male lawyer, yet he does standup in a skirt. How strange is that?). However, we all have bits of embarassment from one thing or another, and you have the advantage in this because you did sucessfully pull off what you had intended.

[GBJoker]

Had the last class of the semeseter on Thursday. No one said anything to me about anything. I just hid in my little corner of the classroom, waited until class was over, and bolted outta there.

After having time to think about it, I probably will do it again. Really, the whole thing just confirmed once more that my college is not LGBT friendly. In my other class I've been called a sissy ... F word... Ya know... So... Can't wait for next semester to be over with as well.