Awakenings later in life

[Anna M]

This is my first post here, so forgive me if this has been discussed elsewhere... I know many TS and GQ folks know from an early age that they are "different" or what their real gender identity is. This is a question for those who made the realization later in life.

How did you figure it out? Was it a case of "connecting the dots"? Or did you go through a process of starting out as a CD and slowly discovering that the real reason for your CD'ing was a mismatch between your assigned gender and your real gender?

The reason I ask is that I had a sudden "OMFG" realization that while any one of a number of things don't mean I'm TG or TS, when you put all the pieces together... well, it's taken me to a very dark place and I am not coping well. I'm in the process of figuring out where I fall, but it's going to be a while, and I will have to get up the nerve to talk to a therapist at some point. So I'm curious about others' experiences...

[Starling]

Your life has definitely become more complicated, Anna. But do not despair, as there is abundant joy in becoming your real self. Although you may face many hurdles, if you keep your eye on the goal of self-realization, and dedicate yourself to its achievement, you will receive great rewards.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Mine was crossdressing my way into realizing what was causing me to crossdress..i was in mid 40's when it "hit" me..
I have 2 friends that were more like what you've experienced. Neither crossdressed...one was into various sex games, played dressup with a girlfriend, and it was OMFG from there...the other was like a break of the self denial she felt...

for what it's worth, both have very successfully transitioned, although like usual their marriages ended...both have good relationships with kids, and hopefully you have the benefit of having some assets or income to help you out.

Its of utmost importance for you to be honest with yourself.. self delusion is a common trait for us oldie but goodies, and i know i was very good at it.. a therapist will help you sort out the pieces you mentioned.
think of it this way...a good tg therapist has met many transsexual, gender queer and crossdressing people... that therapist should not "diagnosis" you but can be giving you advice about how lots of others have approached this, and can help you compare yourself to others that are going through this... kind of like your post, but without the risk of anonymous people (like me!!..hehe)

You said dark place, and that's a scary thought. Feeling really down about this is common (universal?) with us as well... you are taking a blow and you will take more, but as Lallie says, IF you decide you truly are transsexual, and IF you decide to do something about it, then its quite joyful when you get there....

[Danni Renee]

I think I am still trying to figure it out ;)! I bounce a round from super highs to super lows. I do not think it was so much connecting the dots as an "Ah Ha" moment for me. I knew I was different and did so many things to hide from myself. Then one day when talking with my girlfriend I finally admitted to myself who I was and since I stopped completely hiding (though I am still in the closet) I have been better able to explore myself.

I found this forum after I came out and the combination of a supporting SO and the information from this site has helped me learn to cope better with my situation. I am still not happy with where I am in life but I understand better where I am and where I want to go.

I encourage you to seek out people to talk to, whether here on the forum or professional help, if you continue in your dark place. What you are going through is normal for us and hard but you are not alone in your feelings.

Danni

[Kimberly Long]

Hello Anna, the trip into transgender will take some time. There is a good reason for it, so you are sure that this is what you want to do for the remainder of your life. It took me many years with doctors and HRT, to get where I am today. I can tell you that I would never look back, I love my new life. I wish you the best on your journey.
Love Kimberly

[meri]

Anna,
This is a process, you are on your way to self-discovery. Those dark areas you are talking about are you resisting and pushing back against whatever the lesson may be. It's apparently not somewhere your rational mind and ego wants to go. You are afraid, that is normal, this can be pretty scary stuff for someone who has been raised as a male in this culture. You have been taught to ignore, deny and rationalize away any such feelings all your life, yet, here they are, back again -- stronger than ever.

You will be taken on this journey, kicking and screaming until you face whatever it is your subconscious mind wants you to see and accept.

Funny thing is, once you accept whatever this lesson is, all the pain and fear goes away - immediately.

Now, just because you accept something about yourself doesn't mean you have "be" or "act" any particular way. For instance, if you find in your heart of hearts that you are entirely feminine, this doesn't mean that you have to transition and become in all ways, a woman.

What to do with the knowledge you are being led to is entirely up to you, you are making your life, you are creating your next move.

So, don't be afraid to look in that dark place, you will eventually anyway. Once you do, you will find something wonderful out about yourself. Then decide what to do with it with your rational mind, it's your choice...

[RenneB]

Welcome to the chat club Anna. You're going to love it here. You've started out with quite a thread that's going to get a wide variety of comments. My story goes back to when I was 4 and saw that girls dance dress with the little frills.... 5 decades later, I'm still enjoying the feeling....

Renne.....

[SusanMarie]

Welcome Anna M,
I am sure that others will have more profound words than I...
but as for myself, once I was ...'honest with myself' ...truly honest...I was able to find peace of mind about who I am. Life is good.

[elizabethamy]

Anna, I'm in your club. Late awakening, lots of suffering over it, now talking with wife and therapist about it, not knowing where it will lead. There are a lot of "late onset" cd's and tg's and ts's, it seems, and why that's so is simply a mystery. But the battle with the internal repressive forces is as exhilarating as it is painful and exhausting. This is scary stuff to family and friends, but it's much safer here and you are among friends who know what you are saying. It has helped me in a very short time to read widely, to check in here, to keep trying to understand. Peace and best wishes.

elizabethamy

[Marleena]

Anna, I've been underdressing since a kid, I'm an old chick now. I only dressed fully the last few Halloweens. This year did it for me. I finally accepted it instead of fighting it. We can waste money on therapists that will tell us it's okay anyways. I have no clear reason why I need to do it but I embrace it now and enjoy it. My wife gets it and is fine with it. We don't ask for it, but read my signature!

OOPS wrong forum, not a CD issue, sorry.

[Bree-asaurus]

Basically... I have been crossdressing my entire life. My first sexual experience was with a guy. I had NUMEROUS female traits and desires and was always analyzing men to determine how I should behave because, for the life of me, I could not understand men. Unfortunately I was extremely good at repressing pretty much all of this in my mind. It wasn't until someone else found out about my crossdressing when I was in my mid-20s that I was forced to start questioning myself, why I felt so obtuse and unhappy all my life. This lead to me questioning my sexuality first, because the idea of liking men is far less scary and threatening than the idea of not being a man myself. Once I started questioning one thing I had led myself to believe my entire life, I started questioning everything. And here I am :P

[Starling]

...I felt so obtuse and unhappy all my life...

"Obtuse." It's the perfect word to describe the state of being a well-meaning but self-conscious outsider. How intimately I know the feeling. Like Ralph Bellamy's hapless character in His Girl Friday. Bree, I salute you!

:clap: Lallie

[Pamela Kay]

Hi Anna, I know it feels like your all alone and that the dark you are experiencing is a bad place and for now I'm sure it feels that way. Just know that you are reevaluating your life and trying to figure out who you really are just like many of us on this site. It isn't easy and there will be pain and joy as well as acceptance and rejection but in the end you will discover the real you and gain peace from discovering the real you. I am no expert and am still learning about myself too, but I have learned that I have hidden from myself for most of my life and have come to the point that I can't live that way anymore. Just like any journey sometimes you have to travel through the dark to get to the light.
I'm 48 and had tried on womens underwear and clothes from time to time for years but only rarely, then I started shaving my body, wearing panties, and went on to crossdressing. I had my own "OMFG" moment and now have been in therapy and am being referred to a PHD and an Endocronologist for HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). It isn't the path that I would have chosen but it is the path I must follow to be happy with myself. You will find your path, it will take some time and self discovery but you will find your way out of the dark and into the light. Just remember you aren't alone and there are many others here to help you on your journey.

[sandra-leigh]

How did I figure it out?

I suspected, but I didn't know, so I struggled with the point a lot, including in therapy sessions. And I opened a thread here that got quite a number of thoughtful responses, How do you know if you are transgendered or just CD? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?90652-How-do-you-know-if-you-are-transgendered-or-just-CD). (Wow, it stayed active for 6 months -- do not expect a "quick read"!)

The considered and extensive discussion did not "solve" the question. I see from my posts then that I was still confused about it 4 months after I started the thread.

So what did happen? Well, basically one ordinary day after a solid nights sleep, the question came to mind (once again) -- and at that moment, I realized that I knew, that Yes, I was transgendered after all. (I don't feel TS though.) It wasn't an OMFG moment for me at all: the day before I didn't know, but then I did know.

For me, knowing I was TG was an absolute relief: I could put away my internal struggles over the matter and Move On. And as soon as I knew, I was saying to myself, "Yes, yes, it all fits! Of course!" -- the doubt was gone, and the question in my mind at the time was why it had taken me so long to realize what was now so obvious.

[donnalee]

Frankly, I didn't have a clue until I was 60, and am still not 100% convinced. I came to whatever conclusion I've made by applying Occam's Razor and trying to document my past behaviors as well as I could. I believe the reason I came so late to it was that it was inconceivable to me for most of my life and, to a great extent, still is; it still may be premature, but is the most likely. Still confused.

[Alicia Ryanne]

I had an OMFG moment when I was 38. That was 2 years ago. Before that, I never questioned myself bout my gender at all. I simply didnt know.
Seriously, I didnt cross dress knowingly. About 6 years ago, i started wearing women's "granny" panties. And to be truthful, it wasnt because I was trying to hide something or feel a thrill...it was simply cuz they were comfortable. I never liked wearing guys underwear(chafing) and so most often went commando. But one winter day it was too cold and I had to work(my job is outside) so I put on a pair of my wife's undies under my jeans and they felt comfortable. No chafing, no rash or rug burn effect. This continued for quite some time and then started using women's "long johns" spandex like things under my jeans to keepo my legs warm during cold days.
Once and awile I would put on a pair of my wife's heels and walk around the house for 20 mins when no one was home cuz I thought it was funny....kind of a "lets see how long i can keep them on game". Note....shes a size 8 and Im a 10 to 11 so her shoes didnt fit well at all.
None of that prompted me to think I was transgender or ts.

What did it was one day i was at work and a good looking girl walked by and I noticed her breasts(she was clothed) and my first thought was "those should be MY breasts".....and THAT was my OMFG moment. This was a time just before halloween 2009 where I was challenged to dress up as a girl on that halloween with a couple of friends. For some reason unknown to me AT THE TIME, I started becoming excited about do it.(I dont meet sexually excited).
There WERE instances that IF I had connected dots, my realization might have come sooner.......but I never really thought to question my gender,,,it neve entred my mind UNTIL the "OMFG those should be MY breasts moment".
After that, it didnt take long for me to accept myself as transexual...although at times I still do ponder the whole thing only to yet again reaffirm that I am indeed female

[IamSara]

Welcome Anna,
Like most of the other ladies comments, i struggled with my sexuality and my crossdressing all my life, well since I was about 14. It wasn't until just a couple of years ago that I really had been able to come the realization that I wasn't happy with the life I was leading and portraying. I fake a real good macho man but that is not me and I am just now really beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am much more content and happy with my feminine personality than the male that I was born. I am not sure what the future will bring for me since I am married to a wonderful woman who knows of my crossdressing and not really supportive at all but trying to and struggling with it.
Keep talking to the people on the forum and they will be able to answer alot of questions for you as you come to terms with yourself. I don't know that I put a whole lot of faith in most therapists but I am most likely going to be seeking one out that deals with us on a regular basis. If you struggle and don't seem satisfied with the answers you get or the conclusions you come to it is always an option for you to see one also. I am by no means telling you that is what you should do. I have been on here for a couple of years but only resently on as this screen name. My other one would not let me on anymore after I was away for a while and finally came back. Anyway what I was rambling on about is that this forum has been a great help to me and others in getting us through many of life trials as a CD or TS.
Hugs!!

[Anna M]

I started becoming excited about do it.(I dont meet sexually excited).
There WERE instances that IF I had connected dots, my realization might have come sooner.......but I never really thought to question my gender,,,it neve entred my mind UNTIL the "OMFG those should be MY breasts moment".
After that, it didnt take long for me to accept myself as transexual...although at times I still do ponder the whole thing only to yet again reaffirm that I am indeed female

Yes... none of the sporadic crossdressing I've done (why is it still called "crossdressing" if you're dressing as yourself? *sigh* ) has ever been sexual - NONE of it was sexual until after my OMFG moment. It actually kind of annoyed me when it started getting sexualized! Now when I fantasize, it's usually picturing myself with breasts and vagina... and that's all I'm telling in a G-rated forum. The strange thing is that my tastes in men haven't changed, but when I'm in "girl mode", I become noticeably more bisexual. Come to think of it, I might post a related question in an appropriate thread...

Also, thanks to everyone who posted, I really appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who was in deep deep denial and repression for so long...

[Teri Jean]

Anna, first off welcome to the forum. I started my transition when I finally was able to connect the dots and put a "face" on my feelings and desires. That was two years ago and today I am 62 yrs old or if you count like I do when you count birthdays I am 38 as you count backwards after 50. LOL. The thing is there are a number of trans-sexuals that transition well into the adult lives. Some, like myself, were born when there was little to no information available or there was self imposed obligations and responsibilities that prevented their transition.

The other contributing fact is there is more acceptance in some areas today than before and more programs out there to help individuals transition. I finished my transition physically this spring and since that time the rest has been following with fabulous results. My transition was set in motion shortly after the passing of my wife in an auto accident. With time to think of what I have for the future the feelings of being female were able to grow un-impended by responsibility and commitments.

To those I have met that are thinking of their transition I say it is your decission and we can help with our insite but it is your decission. I wish you the best and if you like to talk I live in Minnesota also.

Teri Jean

[LeaP]

I can describe my path to awareness (doesn't that sound overloaded!) in several ways, including life stages, intellectual understanding, a few flashes of insight, and yes, even some connect-the-dots. As is often the case with me, though, I start with a negative. I've known for decades that my identity is not male. That alone doesn't make me TS because there are a lot of possibilities between male and female! For years I simply thought of myself as "not male", struggled with guilt and purge cycles over dressing, and drowned in depression cycles. The realization that I am TG came only after study and enough introspection to understand how illusory the bipolar view of gender is. That settled me until the need to dress became more urgent and I came out to my wife. Things have been changing since in really unexpected ways. I'd use the onion peeling analogy, but lately it's more like peeling an onion and finding an egg.

There are lots of dark places in all this. Some I fear, like losing myself or not knowing what I am. That's despite not liking myself much now. There are a couple I fear I will deliberately take myself.

Lea

[BreenaDion]

Of course you couldn't be messed up like me LOL who would. At least my brain made it easy for me to see what I am as I did work at it and learned a lot and have some unfinished work still to accomplish.

Age 5 some thing and last moment of trauma my brain dissociated my consciousness into my subconscious. This is a short list of what I got, went through and have to this day from that last moment of trauma. All in order. Dissociation ,Repressed Memories, Dissociative Gender Identity Disorder, Switched Prominent Hemisphere,An Awakening, Dissociative Identity Disorder,Transsexualism, Switched prominent Hemisphere,Gender Identity Dysphoria,Flash Backs,Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Next appt dec 20th I have with Gender Specialist is for me to undergo Hypnosis to retrieve Repressed Memories, then EMDR to heal.
Breena.

[ArleneRaquel]

At age 55 I just went the final step and I became a full time female dresser, its something I have desired sing the age of 8 - 9, maybe earlier, at age 63, 64 next month, I have no regrets. I have purged twice since 2003,but CDing is something you cannot,if you have the desire it will never go away. Thats my opinion and experience.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Anna, in my case I started transitioning at 55 yrs old. I am 59 now. I had dressed as a kid a few times but not as an adult. One thing I learned through therapy is more awareness of connecting the dots. When I was younger I would always take my SO shopping. I liked to shop female clothes only. Kind of as an outlet to my desire by dressing the SO up. I never liked shopping mens clothing, just women's stores. My current SO doesn't like to shop clothing usually. So I now shop for myself.

[noeleena]

Hi,

For my self knew at age 10. I S & no issue's so being a mix of both had advantges for my self , & for myself the time for things to happen & change was allso right & all most evey thing worked well for my self , it does not say i never had other issue's to work through i did & they were far harder,

so i did get there. well really it was about growing as a woman & its had its ups & downs , still im at a place where i can say when your accepted for who you are & for myself as a female / woman then i can say its been more than worth it long term .

...noeleena...

[Inna]

Hi Anna, I am sorry yet another person must go through the rough to get to the light of true being, on the other hand I am so glad you are seeking the answers, without such need, your entire life could had been surrounded by guilt and sorrow of not knowing who you really are til the end.

I was 41 when the moment of realization came, it wasn't OMFG, but rather geeee..........realy..........thanks a mother #@*&^!n lot!!!!!!

But as the time have gone past the initial pain and bruises of a reveal, I slowly realized that I am blessed with this gift, a gift of sensuality, kindness, motherly love I have shared with my loving kid, and possibility of yet another start, who gets a second chance at life!!!! I did!!!!

This time around is truth, truth, truth and nothing else, yes it hurts, but such is an ingredient of life reaffirming and making real events of passing days, no longer do I fear the unwanted part of life which used to make me run away from engaging in life's events. Now I am not afraid of anything coming my way, I am true, I am real, I am ME!

As I see, for most, having definite answer eluded our understanding until later on in life even though we knew from the start of a difference within our hearts but were devoid of necessary knowledge and strength within to face the demons. When I grew up terms we use daily didn't exist, and feeling of wanting to experience womanhood felt sick and disgusting even though I could not stop! Threat of being outed and possibility of loosing my life was real and so, like most we stifled our desires and committed the woman within to the dungeons of our souls, deep in the abyss of denial.

Wish you Anna therapy and truth, quite an attainable miracles!

[Victoria Anne]

Hello Anna , I am 51 , I knew at 3 that I was different . That said I fought myself , denied who I am and lived in shame and guilt until one day it really hit at the age 46 and I had to face myself and accept who I am . Once I did that and found this site and the support here , found a gender team ( doctor, therapist and phyciatrist ) I began down the road of transition and WOW what a difference in my life , I am happy , truly happy perhaps for the first time in my life . I am one of the lucky women her who has the full support of my wife and that is huge . The bottom line is that in being true to myself I have grown and become a much happier and a better person than I ever was before . So my advise is to find a good team that specializes with GID and be absolutely honest with yourself . Good luck and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year .

[Launa]

I knew from the age of 6 -8 that I was different. Now I don't give a shit about all of it but I'm still not out there because I don't want my CDing to become my families problem. Don't go into that dark place!

[LeaP]

I knew from the age of 6 -8 that I was different. Now I don't give a shit about all of it but I'm still not out there because I don't want my CDing to become my families problem. Don't go into that dark place!

That's odd - I never thought of that scenario as one of the dark places.

Lea

[Hope]

I know it is a cheep cliche and if I saw it in a movie I would grown, but I can remember VERY clearly being 5 years old and praying to god EVERy night that I would wake up in the morning as a girl.

I also remember the day in 7th grade, where I realized that I was suddenly 6'2" and possessed a profoundly bass voice, and that those two things taken together would mean that I would never be able to be a girl, magically or otherwise. I believed that lie for 25 years. It helped me to suppress who I was, but it also made me miserable, and miserable to be around.

A few years ago, (3?) I realized that i couldn't live that lie anymore, I couldn't continue the way that I had been. I didn't know what my options were, and so I contacted a therapist who had been recommended to me. My first email to her was simple. "I'm transgendered and I need help figuring out what that means to me. Are you accepting new clients?"

I felt like I was in a pretty dark place at the time. I knew that transition would mean giving up my career (I was a pastor of a main-line church) and I was pretty sure I didn't want that. But I didn't know what I was. A cross dresser maybe. And I didn't know how to make the pain go away.

Today, i am a much different person. My career is toast, but my primary relationship is stronger than it has ever been, and I am happier than I have ever been. I look back now, and recognize that period of initial discernment not as a dark time, but as a time filled with possibilities and opportunities for exploration. But I definitely thought it was dark at the time.

I never once really made a big scary decision that I was going to transition, or that I was going to become a woman... (and you don't have to either) but here I am. I have realized recently that i am essentially finished with transition; I have done all the hard work, all that is left is the surgery, and that is just a matter of $$$.

I just started to experiment, and explore, and discover who I am... and here I am. The journey has been hard and a lot of work, but it has been almost uniformly joyful. And it can be for you too. My guidance to you is to explore, try some things on (more than just clothes) and see how you feel, see who you are. If it is right, do more. If it is wrong, don't do it again. When the time is right, you will know, until then, you don't need to worry about it.

[Beth-Lock]

I came to the realization late in life, and even then struggled with it.

When I cast my mind back and reviewed my whole life, I saw that it had surfaced at least once, decades before, but I quickly repressed it, and it went back into the unconscious.

But I had always been a crossdresser. That was the path towards self-realization.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Hello Anna M, I thank the internet and forums like this that has helped me look at myself and find out that there is something different about me. Realizing my need to crossdress all my life and suddenly finding there is more that I need and not merely the clothes. I understand the highs and lows you and many others are experiencing, it is pure hell. Cry, I cry a lot now and avoid forming any new friendships and family get togethers preferring to avoid problems I seek my own company, and this forum.
Cope, sigh just coping but the darkness wraps you up and the battle continues within your mind. Sure during the day I have to be in male mode and I am jovial, and cheery but at night the monsters I feared when young appear under a new disguise seek me and I hide.
I so love reading about those who have faced their demons and have stood up and become who they are supposed to be. They are like mentors and the advice and help they give provides hope. They give me the courage to take that little step more seeking answers and help. Until I can face my fears and demons I continue to live a solitude life battling my demons and riding that damn roller coaster of emotions.
Take care Anna M, it is hard.

[Jordie]

I just started to experiment, and explore, and discover who I am... and here I am. The journey has been hard and a lot of work, but it has been almost uniformly joyful. And it can be for you too. My guidance to you is to explore, try some things on (more than just clothes) and see how you feel, see who you are. If it is right, do more. If it is wrong, don't do it again. When the time is right, you will know, until then, you don't need to worry about it.

This is a great way to see and gauge oneself's true feelings. I am still feel awkward sometimes when I am enjoying a nice night out with my genetic girlfriends. It seems that I lose the female-female connection for a while and then I come back and connect again. On those moments, I try to really feel and see my true self.

[Barbara_Jean]

I'm glad I found this thread, I was just about to start one just like it!! I have just come to the conclusion that I am Transgendered, and it is scaring the heck out of me!

I have been repressing these feelings all my life and it has all come to a head in the last week. All of my life I have wanted to be a girl, it's not just putting on their clothes, I actually want to BE A Girl! The thing is I could NEVER Tell anyone! I remember when I was 4 or 5 I found some of my Mothers dresses and tried them on. I almost got caught once by my Dad. Then at 11 or 12 I did get caught by my Mother wearing one of her dresses and I was beaten and threatened. I have suppressed these feeling and desires for decades, only occasionally putting on panty hose once in a while.

I tried crossdressing a few times over the last 5 years but never really did anything right or looked very good. I was very depressed. I have been diagnosed with very low testosterone and have been on HRT for over a year, but it is not getting any better. They have increased the dosage but it just made me feel very bad so I told my doctor 3 weeks ago that I was stopping it. I was getting more and more depressed and feeling more and more like there is a girl inside me that wants to come out.

I started reading articles about Transgendered people on line and all of them say the same thing, that the more you repress your feelings, the stronger they get. Psychologists all agree the best way to deal with this is to Let the Girl inside out! So I bought some clothes a new wig and new makeup, which really makes a difference! The first time I saw myself, I knew that was who I am! I really am a woman, just in the wrong body! I got up the courage to tell a female friend and she offered this. She said that I have probably been a woman in many past lives and this time I came in as a man and cannot adjust. That made me feel a little better ,but I was still looking for an answer.

I found this article. http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TScauses.html
It talks about the pain we all go through and the depression. It also talks about neurological reasons that we feel this way and that we do NOT Choose This on ourselves! It's not our fault that we were born this way. It talks about how this condition has been treating over the last 50 years. It used to be that a man wanting to become a woman was though of as mentally ill. Now we know that is not true. Just think about how society has viewed people like us over the last 50 year, and thank God we now live in a time where people are starting to accept us, at least a little bit and we now have support groups like this!

I have an even bigger problem too in that I am living with and caring for my elderly parents who can NEVER find out about me! I am coming to terms with all of this and it is very hard. I would like to investigate transitioning, but I am not sure. For now though just knowing I did not bring this on myself. I no longer am ashamed of how I feel. I know I have a very long up hill climb ahead of me and I don't know where the road will lead me.
Sorry this is so long, I hope I did not bore any of you.
Thanks and Merry Christmas to you all!
Regina Ann

[Bree-asaurus]

I'm glad I found this thread, I was just about to start one just like it!! I have just come to the conclusion that I am Transgendered, and it is scaring the heck out of me! I have been repressing these feelings all my life and it has all come to a head in the last week. All of my life I have wanted to be a girl, it's not just putting on their clothes, I actually want to BE A Girl! The thing is I could NEVER Tell anyone! I remember when I was 4 or 5 I found some of my Mothers dresses and tried them on. I almost got caught once by my Dad. Then at 11 or 12 I did get caught by my Mother wearing one of her dresses and I was beaten and threatened. I have suppressed these feeling and desires for decades, only occasionally putting on panty hose once in a while. I tried crossdressing a few times over the last 5 years but never really did anything right or looked very good. I was very depressed. I have been diagnosed with very low testosterone and have been on HRT for over a year, but it is not getting any better. They have increased the dosage but it just made me feel very bad so I told my doctor 3 weeks ago that I was stopping it. I was getting more and more depressed and feeling more and more like there is a girl inside me that wants to come out. I started reading articles about Transgendered people on line and all of them say the same thing, that the more you repress your feelings, the stronger they get. Psychologists all agree the best way to deal with this is to Let the Girl inside out! So I bought some clothes a new wig and new makeup, which really makes a difference! The first time I saw myself, I knew that was who I am! I really am a woman, just in the wrong body! I got up the courage to tell a female friend and she offered this. She said that I have probably been a woman in many past lives and this time I came in as a man and cannot adjust. That made me feel a little better ,but I was still looking for an answer. I found this article. http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TScauses.html
It talks about the pain we all go through and the depression. It also talks about neurological reasons that we feel this way and that we do NOT Choose This on ourselves! It's not our fault that we were born this way. It talks about how this condition has been treating over the last 50 years. It used to be that a man wanting to become a woman was though of as mentally ill. Now we know that is not true. Just think about how society has viewed people like us over the last 50 year, and thank God we now live in a time where people are starting to accept us, at least a little bit and we now have support groups like this!
I have an even bigger problem too in that I am living with and caring for my elderly parents who can NEVER find out about me! I am coming to terms with all of this and it is very hard. I would like to investigate transitioning, but I am not sure. For now though just knowing I did not bring this on myself. I no longer am ashamed of how I feel. I know I have a very long up hill climb ahead of me and I don't know where the road will lead me.
Sorry this is so long, I hope I did not bore any of you.
Thanks and Merry Christmas to you all!
Regina Ann

Sorry, but just had to make a quick note for this post and your future posts... paragraphs... please

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Regina Ann, I'm glad you found this topic.

Coming to the realisation that you mention can be at the same time very confusing and very liberating, I'm glad that we can be here to help you to come to terms with who you are and to support you as you explore what the future may hold :hugs:

Your worries about your parents would seem to be a serious draw-back, but please don't underestimate their capacity to cope. I share my house with my 89 year old father and when I needed to come out to him last year, his reaction was absolutely amazing (I had been worried that the shock might kill him). He does still make the odd mistake (for example calling me his son, Rianna), but he has been very supportive.

Please don't apologise for the length of your post

[Barbara_Jean]

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, I have fixed that. I was writting this very late at night and on very little sleep. One of my side effects is that I wake up around 4AM every morning and can't get back to sleep.

I am hoping that by letting the Girl inside of me out to play, it will help me. So far I have not gone out as her, but I really want to. I am just not ready yet. I think I can pass, except my voice, but I will keep trying.

As I said I am still trying to cope with this and am having a tough time, but with help from everyone I know I can.

As far as telling my parents, I can never do that. You should have heard what they said about Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars!

I will keep her inside me and away from them forever.

[Pamela Kay]

Regina, Our stories are very similar but just a few months apart. I would suggest finding a good gender therapist and working through your issues with them. I have been seeing one for almost three months now and it has really helped me to see who I am and to plot an initial path forward. My testosterone was extremely low and I had the same issues you did with male HRT and stopped taking it just before starting counseling. It just helped me to hold back what eventually had to come out. I just wish I hadn't waisted the 8 or 10 years I did while on it.

My therapist/counselor has refered me to a TS support group here in Oklahoma City and I am contacting them for a screening interview next week as well as contacting a Endocronologist who works with TS women. My mother has been living with us for almost a year and a half and we are going to start looking for a retirement community for her soon.

You have taken the first step by accepting who you are and there are many more steps to take. There are many others here who are willing to help and this group has helped me more than they can know. You are not alone.