Therapy

[LeaP]

I just made an appointment to start after a conversation with the therapist. I'm still shaking ... literally shivering and shaking. After my vetting questions about credentials, education, views etc., she asked me what I wanted to get out of counseling. Despite a very carefully pre-prepared response for this, I just blurted out wanting to figure out if I am TS. I feel so far out on the plank that I can barely describe it. It's going to be a bad reaction, too. (inner) Crap, that was hard.

[StaceyJane]

Sometimes things bottled up will come up very suddenly. It's good to be open about that. Don't worry about prepared responces, therapy works best when you open yourself totally.

[Anna Lorree]

I understand some of what you are thinking, as I just did the same thing yesterday. For me however, it was not hard. I heaved a sigh of relief at the end of the call. I start next Wednesday and I can't wait. I hope we can both find ourselves through this process.

Anna

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lea,

You have just made a crucial step in your self discovery and understanding.

You must trust the therapist as well as putting trust in yourself.

Once in therapy you must push yourself hard not to withhold information from the therapist.

He or she is only as good at your analysis as you allow them to be.

A huge congrat's on making this step.


Julia

[ReneeT]

Congratulations, Lea, on this big, important step. If all goes well, you will probably learn a lot about yourself. Just be as open and honest as you can.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It sounds simple, but if you can't build trust with your therapist, you need a new therapist..

congrats on having the courage and guts to go and get this on the table..its a big deal and you deserve to feel good about it..

[taís]

Despite a very carefully pre-prepared response for this, I just blurted out
and this is good experience that you got: leave the pre-prepared speech to other moments (if ever). in therapy you're just suppose to breathe deeply and open yourself. your therapist is (ideally) experienced and believe me, she won't be surprised — and most of the time she'll read you better than your words say.

Stacey said it beautifully: "Sometimes things bottled up will come up very suddenly." the event just showed how you needed to put it out of yourself. bad reaction will come? I don't think so, but for sure you could have a worst reaction if you insisted keeping it locked inside :)

congrats on your choice and courage to take the step. hope you can learn a lot and enjoy the travel. ;x

[Barbra P]

At my first session the Therapist didn’t ask what I wanted out of therapy but started with a statement that basically said that if I was there looking for a cure I was wasting my time as there was no known cure, however she could help me to determine my transgender status and help me accept myself. When I added that I didn’t know if I was a crossdresser or possibly a transsexual she said that would be one of the things we would explore and determine, but that determination probably wasn’t going to happen in the first few sessions. I brought with me a two page synopsis of my transgender life starting when I was around four years old and progressing up to the present even though I was sure she had read the notes from the Counselor who had referred me to the Psychiatric Department. That synopsis was and has been the only prepared material that I have brought to my sessions and I never know where our sessions are going beforehand.

Like others have already written it is best not to have prepared responses but just talk freely and openly with your Therapist – don’t hold back. You wouldn’t go to your Doctor and say “I have a pain” and then not tell your Doctor where the pain is; just like your Doctor the Therapist needs to know all of the facts. Sometimes what we need to tell our Doctor or Therapist may be embarrassing but we need to tell them just the same if they are going to do their job and help us. If you don’t have that kind of repoire with your Therapist then you are seeing the wrong Therapist – you need to find a Therapist that you are comfortable enough with so that you can speak freely, openly, and honestly.

[LeaP]

Thank you for your replies. The reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was just SO nervous about talking openly about this with someone that I had a flight reaction. There was, for a day, a sort of shutdown where I looked at myself and asked why I was doing this, i.e., I felt "normal" and able to handle things on my own. The following day - back to "really" normal (confused), dressed for the day, and had yet another dream as a female besides.

The therapist has 20 years+ with transgender counseling, is a member of WPATH, and was recommended to me, among others, by people on the forum. Appt. is in January, though. No evening appts. available until then. Lots to think about in the interim.

Lea

[Amber99]

Blurting things out is a great way to start the conversation because it is a LOT easier than trying to build up to and explanation when stumbling all over your words nervously. It's like ripping of a bandage all at once.

[LeaP]

Sometimes you wait for the right moment to bring something up and it never comes. Opportunity lost and maybe you're just procrastinating. Sometimes it happens perfectly. I had the latter experience just prior to Christmas.

I had a conversation with my wife about seeing a therapist, on thoughts about transsexuality, and recent experiences, and how my perceptions have been shifting. It was extraordinary and she is supportive. Her only expressed concerns are that I be happy ... and that I'm not gay (does that question EVER go away? Sigh.)

Things feel lighter.

Lea

[Melody Moore]

Her only expressed concerns are that I be happy ... and that I'm not gay (does that question EVER go away? Sigh.)
Lea, I think your wife needs to learn some basic fundamentals because as a male, I was never gay, however as a female,
my thoughts about being with men are shifting but that does not mean that I am a 'gay male' when I am a female. So this
means any relationship with a male would be a heterosexual relationship, not gay relationship. And if you are a transsexual
woman and you are in a relationship with another woman then you are a lesbian or gay because you are attracted to the
same sex. The changing dynamics of sexuality in gender transition will not only affect you, they will also affect your wife,
hopefully she is fluid enough to accept a shift in her own sexual orientations here as well.

[LeaP]

Lea, I think your wife needs to learn some basic fundamentals because as a male, I was never gay, however as a female,
my thoughts about being with men are shifting but that does not mean that I am a 'gay male' when I am a female. So this
means any relationship with a male would be a heterosexual relationship, not gay relationship. And if you are a transsexual
woman and you are in a relationship with another woman then you are a lesbian or gay because you are attracted to the
same sex. The changing dynamics of sexuality in gender transition will not only affect you, they will also affect your wife,
hopefully she is fluid enough to accept a shift in her own sexual orientations here as well.

I agree on all points regarding transitions and the shifting meanings of gay sexuality that result, but wonder about intellectual assent vs. acceptance.

Her concern is attraction to men (I have none). It wouldn't matter if I did - I'm committed to being monogamous.

I wonder how far people's belief stretches, or perhaps whose does. Does a spouse always see a transitioned partner as a different sex, for example, fully so? One may or may not be thrilled with the transition itself, but isn't it possible that a wife may not see the relationship as lesbian, despite how it may appear to others? Doubtless some do - you see responses on the forum along exactly these lines from time-to-time, but whenever I've asked the question directly, I've had either no answer or a nuanced answer. My impression is that spouses see the reality of the change, but also don't lose sight of what was.

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Her concern is attraction to men (I have none). It wouldn't matter if I did - I'm committed to being monogamous.

..... Does a spouse always see a transitioned partner as a different sex, for example, fully so? .... My impression is that spouses see the reality of the change, but also don't lose sight of what was.

Lea

Lea I applaud your serious and thoughtful nature regarding your problem... You are willing to make commitments to ideas and go back and forth with others thoughts...
This trait is going to serve you well throughout all of this because living through it is fundamentally different than talking about it...the talking part is great preparation tho..

Your first statement in the quote is something i wanted to respond to ....i am going to tell you that if you proceed to transition, you cannot make this promise..
you may want to from the deepest part of your soul.. but i must report to you that a big majority of folks that transition are very surprised by their sexuality...not everybody of course... if that happens, your monogamy may be very empty for both you and your wife...one way that i have seen this problem solved is an open marriage (which is another can of worms, but i have a close friend in a very happy open marriage).. for your sake, i hope you are an exception..and there are folks here that are quite happy with their relationship with their wife that should chime in..

as to the 2nd statement i think your feeling is spot on... no matter how good you look, no matter how feminine you become, your gender is already imprinted on pretty much everyone you know....and your wife may find that she is unsettled by the presentation of a female partner, and her own internal feeling that you are male...in my experience its something that has caused alot of friction...the good news is that if your wife is willing, it can be like any other countless points of friction in marraiges...its going to be up to her, and once again its simply something that cannot be known until it's experienced...

i found that transtion really takes many many years...and what i thought beforehand, what i thought starting out, what i thought before srs, and what i thought after srs were all different!!! and i feel different 18 months after srs than i did immediately after!!!! It's a process...and to make it work, you need 2 people so in love and so wanting to be together that they are willing to face all these challenges...