C A U G H T !!!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Of all the adventures in my fertile brain that I want to write about in the next year, this is not the one. We never dream of this day. First Karren and now me.

Thursday I decided to live dangerously and wear my ladies diamond pinky band to work. Have before so it's no big deal. When I leave work I took it off and put it in my pocket. Friday morning I went to get it out of my pocket to wear again....it is NOT THERE !!! I searched everywhere...no luck. I am praying as I go to work that it is lost anywhere but at home.

Friday midnight she (wife) comes into the den and waves the ring in my face (OH CRAP !).....Who's the other woman !!! (Very loudly). I did the what's that number and got you know what this is. She found it behind the toilet (why didn't I look there....I thought I did?) I tried the "there is no other woman honey" but she wasn't listening. She stomped off to the bedroom and shut the door. CRAP AGAIN !

Saturday morning she came out and announced that it could be my daughter's who was there a couple days back. She heads for the phone and starts dialing.....I recognize the number....my daughter's. Okay, if this is gonna happen I don't want the kids knowing so I took the phone from her and hung it up.

"IT'S MINE."

I can't believe I just said that. I'm now whispering a prayer to be spared a painful death.

"Yours?"

"Yes....MINE."

She stomped again around the house gathering her purse and keys. She leaves. My heart is about to pound it's way out of my chest. Quick emailed Karren and told her I was caught. She thinks I'm joking. Great. Now what do I do. More praying for God to keep this from becoming a divorce. How much do I tell her? I'm feeling guilty now....because my toenails are painted. Oh geesh. What timing.

When she gets back she asks me to join her in the den. Okay, here we go.

"Your ring huh?"

"YES."

"where did you get it?"

"eBay."

"How much did you pay for it?"

" $9 plus a couple for shipping." (What is all this ???)

"Liar."

"$9 "

"For a diamond ring huh?"

"Yes, the lady said she thought it was Zirconium."

"So you're buying my Christmas present on eBAY huh?"

At this point I'm starting to figure out she and I are on two pages and her page looks much better than mine. So I decide to read my lines off her script. I confessed to being on eBAY again, to being so cheap as to shop for her there, to keeping secrets from her, to trying to hide the face that the ring was mine........and then she put the ring on and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
And the only hurricane in the states was Wilma.

I am still not believing how close that was.

Emily Ann

[TGMarla]

It's amazing how sometimes the way out presents itself with a nice big "EXIT" sign in bright red neon. You were thinking on your feet, dear. But I've been to a lot of personal sites, and have my own experience to add to that....probably sooner or later you will truely get caught. It can get pretty ugly, but it's not always the end of the world as you know it. Good luck in the future!

[uknowhoo]

O M G ! ! !

Talk about dodging a bullet. Your story sounds like something out of a Lucy and Ricky (or should I say Rikki) show. Congrats on making a near miss out of a almost sure direct hit. That being said, if you're ever going to tell her, sometime quite soon may be advisable. Continued good luck, and thanks for the heart-stopping story. Hugs, Tammi

[Wendy me]

next you will notice that she will notice all them little things that you thought no one ever noticed ...oh by the way haveing a ring dosen't mean she knows abought your dressing.... but lets say she just might be looking a bit more closer.....

[JoAnnDallas]

I remember one time, I was sure I was caught by the wife. We lived in WV and the house had a finished basement. The basement was my domain. I had my radios, computers, model railroad and JoAnn's stuff all down there. I would spend hours down there. Wife didn't come down a lot. She has MS and stairs are hard on her. She and a GF were gone for the day, so JoAnn got to dress up all day. Well I made the mistake of getting naked upstairs and then going down stairs and getting dressed. Wife came home early and since the stairs was a circler stairs, she came to the stairs and shouted at me. I did not hear her come into house, so here I am all dressed up. I prayed real hard that she would not deciede to come down the stairs. She just wanted to tell me that she was back and was going to the store for a few things and would be right back. I said "OK" and as soon as I heard the back door close, I undressed, went upstairs and redressed, came back down and put JoAnn's stuff away. Made a resolution, that I would always have boy clothes down stairs.

[insearchofme]

Boy (girl) are you lucky!!! Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good!

Hugs, Dana

[Faye Emmette]

Em, what would your life be like now if the whole truth came out back then?
I don't know of your situation but my getting caught,though not by a wife but a girlfriend, turned out for the better fo me. I can only think back to that afternoon and remember the "Oh F*&k No!" feeling and the relief in finding it was OK with her.
Maybe, maybe and I hope for the positive.

[Stephenie]

It's alway nice to know what book the wife is reading from. After all CDing is not a book that a wife would reach for first.

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

I noticed that 62 people had read this post, and only 7 had replied, and yes I know that happens quite a bit, but for the sake of not wanting to go through the rest of the day arguing with myself, over whether or not I should have been brave, here is my reply, and please, if any of you want to attack me could you stick to the facts of what I write and not try and psychoanalyze me, thanks.

Whilst I FULLY recognise your right to live your life the way you see fit, and I REALLY do mean that, am I allowed you think, to voice the fact that I totally do not recognise your right to lie and deceive your wife?

I know with many on this list I will be seen as .... well I guess you'd stone me if you could get close enough... but I have many morals that I try to live up to.. I don't always manage it, but one is very important to me.

I try very hard never to tell people what they want to hear, I tell them what my heart tells me they need to hear.

Making jokes and funny comments about what happened over this ring, is I believe the last thing in the world that you need to hear.

You need to hear your wife crying herself to sleep when she finds out your explanation about the ring was all a lie.

You need to hear the divorce lawyer reciting the said incident in court when she takes you for everything you have.

Sorry Emily, but this ain't no joke, and I don't mind getting blitzed by you or even kicked off this board if need be, not if it means at least one person has told you that this aint cricket, it aint funny, and it aint what marriage is about.

I am sure you know all these things, I am just not sure how important they are to you.

I won't ask for your forgiveness, only understanding that doing what you believe is the right thing isn't always easy, this sure aint easy.. but that lady deserves the truth, and you had a guilt edged chance to give it to her, and you bottled it. Now you have one more lie, that one day you may just have to explain..

question is Emily.. how many more?

Yours Sincerely
SammyJo
<-- goes to stick crash helmet on and awaits bouncing sound

[Nyx]

Er.

Well. I'm clearly not in your situation, but I think you older CDs sometimes take too much risks. Seriously. You live with her, she's your wife, and in my opinion, you shouldn't have any secrets to her. She should know that you crossdress.

If she doesn't like it and can't get her mind around it, then it's possible you married the wrong woman, but why in the hell would anyone want to live a double life?

I personally don't think the "I was cheap and bought you a $9 ring on ebay but forgot it behind the toilet" is the most romantic thing to let your wife believe. She might still have doubts about it, in fact... Soo... Maybe you should try to introduce the truth into the picture. Just something to consider.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Let me jump in here to say that I have talked with Sammy since her post, and told her I appreciated her honesty. Anybody wants to flame any sisters who post an unflattering opinion here come see me. I am glad some sisters aren't afraid to kindly say what is on their mind. I didn't post this to brag, I wanted honest opinions. I have been numb ever since this happened. A part of me wishes she had been smarter and forced me to do the hard thing.


Emily Ann

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Wanted to add that I really apreciate Emily talking to me in private and that I have been where she is at and I know that numbing feeling, flippin awful position.
Wishing you the VERY best Em,
SammyJo

[JamieDP]

I am really angry I just typed a great response and got timed out on my browser - i don't have the energy to type it Again. But consider that w/o out being honest with her about it now can lead to more accusations later about the smallest of things. And if you admit to the truth later, she will feel incredibly betrayed and threatened. No one wants to feel that not her, not you. Put yourself in her figurative shoes, and think very hard if you had a feeling she had been or was couritng with another man. You woul;dn't want to believe it, but imagine a month down the road you find something else that implied her being with another man, but actually found out that she was keeping something from you, especially something that meant alot to her ad was dear to her, but had been afraid to share it with you b/c she thought you would reject her for it? You would feel hurt to simply on the fact she didn't trust you enough to tell you and give you a chance to accept her and the other side of her. You might feel betrayel, and wonder what else she is keeping from you.

The human psyche is great and making excuses for things it doesn't want to see, which she may be doing. And though it is not an affair of the traditional sorts, she may very well once admitted later have the very same feelings and hurt and betrayel of you being with another woman...in a sense you are not only being with another woman, but being another woman.

Think hard about the risk you are taking, and think about this also as a great time to maybe take your relationship to the next level in trust....could you imagine your relationship with her with absolute 100% trust in both ways, trust enough that you could feel CDing anytime and be secure about it?

But again this is just my opinion.

[JamieDP]

BTW - if you need an ear, please messageme. I am at the end of a 2.5 year divorce where CDing definitely had an effect on that relationship from day one. I've been betrayed, I've been rejected probably like so many of us....but I've also been accepted....and acceptance is marvelous.

[Maddie]

Girl you need to check your shoes and see what you stepped in.
when you figure it out stand in it all day. you lucked out be more carefull or sit down and talk to her

[Odette30UK GG]

I read this thread over an hour 1/2 ago and wanted to jump right in but decided 1: to calm down and 2: rethink what I was going to say.

I agree with some that you shouldv'e come clean.

It seem like you had a while to think things through before she asked you to join her in the den.
Did you at anytime (during those hours) ever think that this could have been a weight lifted of your shoulders? Another words, Did you feel relieved? Or did you sit there and think about lieing to her?

I suppose given that your wife came back to you means that she is has some guts to face you and that she really really loves you.
At that moment in time she was open to any explanation, other than I'm having an affair....
She was vulnerable and fearful, her heart open wide and yet you sat there and lied to her.
If I were your wife right now I would be thinking that, 'that was too easy'.. and 'Why didn't I let him explain it to me, instead I dictated to him, omg he couldv'e lied'
Please don't think that this is over between you two, as there is defiantly going to be doubts in her mind, and I dare say a few heated discussions.

I hope I am wrong and that your wife is as gullable as you make her out to be. But don't under estimate the power of a woman with doubts.

I have full sympathy in that you were in a tight spot, but just think of what you put your wife through in the time it took her to COME to you....

My hugs go to both of you at this time and I hope that this will make you think about telling her before its too late. I say this because if she finds one more thing of Emily's then she is going to burn you at the stake... And you won't get away with it as easy as this time....

Forgive the way I put it... not really that good with words

Hugs and Kisses
Odette
XxxxxX

[Phoebe Reece]

Emily,

I am only surprised this hasn't happened sooner. You may have dodged a bullet, but you won't be able to deal with the artillery shell that will come your way when you really get caught. She may have indicated she bought your story, but maybe that's just what she wants you to think. Her suspicions are very much up now and she will be looking at everything around you to either confirm or refute those suspicions. Make no mistake about it - sooner or later you will get caught. And when you do, she won't buy another lame story about e-bay.

I remember many, many years ago when I was gathering up my nerve to make a dash out to my car in broad daylight, fully dressed, to go to a meeting of other CD's. My wife was rather annoyed at my terror and said to me, "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." She was right and that thought has gotten me through more situations than she could have imagined at the time. Now, my advice to you is the same - If you're going to do this, be a man about it. Go to your wife tell her the truth now. Don't wait to get caught and make the situation infinately worse. Simply tell her you lied at first because you were afraid of her reaction. You can do this. You should do this. Save your marriage.

If you need some further support, PM or e-mail me direct. You are in my prayers Emily.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Let me say I had no intention of lying to her when I went into the den. I had already told her the ring was mine. Was surprised when I didn't get pressured to keep talking then. And no, I wasn't cooking up lies while she was gone.....I was just praying she wouldn't kill or divorce me, or have a stroke herself.

Since Karren's discovery I have been preparing what I would say when my turn came. I know it will go better (hahaha) if I start the confession rather than be caught. I had rehearsed it once while she was out. Then she started asking questions and I just started answering them. I know nobody believes me (but Sammy) but I am less relieved than I am numb, and mad at myself for jumping through the open door, and wondering what is coming next. I'm surprised I have made it 4 years now without being discovered before.


Emily Ann

[Joanne08]

Yeah, Emily, I'm in the same boat as you (haven't been caught though). Luckily I haven't made any mistakes recently with my wife about CDing, but I know that numbing feeling and I hate it. I simpathize with you. I also know the freedom and support a SO can bestow upon a CDer, so I know the other side as well. For me right now, there is more risk in telling my wife than keeping Joanne in the closet (I'll elaborate in another thread). I have searched my sole and have concluded that this is the best way to handle it, at least at this time. Maybe you and others in our situation have compelling reasons not to tell. I wish I and all of us could be completely honest and open to our SO about CDing. In my case, I value my relationship with my wife and I don't want to jeapordize it until she shows a better attitude towards the TG world.


Love, Jo

[Toni]

Hi Emily,
You had a perfect opportunity to tell her the truth, you blew it. Maybe next time (There will be a next time) you will do the right thing and tell her. If she loves you it will be o/k. Best of luck.

[Lauren_T]

Real life, once you pass the age of 8 or so, is not black and white. There have always been and will always be those times when the old adage "Better a harmless lie than the hurtful truth" applies. It was no less than the great Oscar Wilde who said, "The truth is seldom plain and rarely simple."

Emily Ann, no one here or elsewhere can grant or deny you the right to act as you see fit, you already know that. If you feel it's better all 'round to avoid a greater harm by telling a small untruth, then you should do so. As the one who's 'on the spot,' only you can make that decision. Your moral choices are yours.

Advice - that's a different thing. I would advise you to say or do what is necessary (within reason, of course...) to prevent unneeded difficulties from straining your relationship.

Do let's all remember that we may not approve of another person's choices - but we all, every one of us, as the price of being free ourselves, are obligated to respect - and 'recognise' - other people's equally valid right to do as they feel is right and proper, whether we 'approve' or not. The world already has far more than enough evil and misery, most of it caused by people who refuse to recognise others' right to make their own moral judgements...

Emily Ann, this may be your best opportunity to open up to her... but it's still your call. Either way, I hope things go well for you. :)

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Lauren..
I wrote a ten minute reply to this then deleted it.. can not even finds the words to say how mad I am ... "Better a harmless lie " trouble is. you actually believe this.... and we wonder why the world is in the **** hole it is?
Enough.. I am off this thread before I lose it totally..
Sorry Em, can not deal with this anymore
SammyJo

[Bonnie D]

Emily Ann,

I am in relatively the same situation as you but have not been caught, close but I found any errors I made before she did. Of course my major error came before I was married, I told her about my crossdressing but put the situation in the past to test the waters. She accepted it as long as I was not still doing it. I took the loop hole and told her I wasn't. I tried again after we were married and she took a fit and made me throw out the few things I had. What do I do? I decided to live a double life. It is not easy and truly is not a way to live. I regret my decision to lie but do not regret my life with my wife and the two beautiful children that we have. I will tell my wife about it some time and then I will leave our marriage, well she will understandably toss me out of it. I think I have been a good husband to her and a good father to my children. I have always been there for them when they've needed me and they have been there when I needed them.

I know that if I told my wife the truth before we were married we would not have been married. I saw myself as her saviour from her life (controlling family) and I saw her as my saviour from my life (drugs).

I agree with SammyJo and am glad that she spoke her mind, this is very serious. I may at times take it too lightly but I do know what I am doing and what I have done. The truth will hurt my wife and my family and myself. Please forgive me but I am not ready to face up to it.

Bonnie

[Laura Jane]

Let me say I had no intention of lying to her when I went into the den. I had already told her the ring was mine. Was surprised when I didn't get pressured to keep talking then. And no, I wasn't cooking up lies while she was gone.....I was just praying she wouldn't kill or divorce me, or have a stroke herself.

Since Karren's discovery I have been preparing what I would say when my turn came. I know it will go better (hahaha) if I start the confession rather than be caught. I had rehearsed it once while she was out. Then she started asking questions and I just started answering them. I know nobody believes me (but Sammy) but I am less relieved than I am numb, and mad at myself for jumping through the open door, and wondering what is coming next. I'm surprised I have made it 4 years now without being discovered before.


Emily Ann

Emily,

I think Bill Clinton didn't mean to lie about what he got up to with Monica, but was given what seemed liked a good way out when a judge said oral wasn't sexual relations and he went on TV speaking like a lawyer to the public who took his words literally.

You did not lie to your wife, but you did not tell her the truth and so when it comes out she will feel you lied.

You have blown a great oppotunity here, being caught with a ring is a much softer and easier introduction to cross dressing than being caught in a bra and pants.

Saying you like wearing female jewellery would not have your wife running to divorce courts!

[Donna]

Emily Ann,

Your wife may or may not really believe that you bought the ring for her. She wants too and so she has verbalized that thought. But she may still have the other one - that you are seeing someone else. Don't be convinced that she accepts the gift excuse 100%. After all, why would you loose a gift behind the toilet?

I hope your right and she bought it lock, stock, and barrel.

Donna

[Emily Ann Brown]

My dirty clothes hamper is beside the toilet. Thursday night I came in very late and left my slacks on top of the hamper. She pointed that out to me Saturday. I really don't know what she believes or doesn't believe. I do know I better make no further slips because she will be watching. And I know I have no interest in dressing right now because I feel like crap about the whole sordid mess. Wish I had an avatar of me frowning.


Emily Ann

[Anita]

Emily AnnI was going to let this go without responding after reading the "ayes" and the "nayes"
Now NOBODY knows your life style /your marriage histoery etc etc and I think it wrong to prejudge you I have had a similar experience and yes I lied and it went away and has not come back to haunt me
I am not proud of lying to my wife but lets face it I have been lying by not telling her about my cd-ing for years
However it is MY decision and I did not post it (perhaps that was your mistake) But only YOU know what is right and wrong in what you tell your wife. I am sure that other posters on here have told there wifes little white lies probably thinking they were protecting them I know I have
So In conclusion I think you was wrong to post the item (my personal opinion only)) and it is your marriage and only YOU know if the decision you made was right or wrong

JUDGE THAT YOU BE NOT JUDGED

[Rainbow6562005]

Dear Em (((Em)))

How awful for both of you. I am so sorry that you are in a no-win situation.

I used to be very righteous about telling the truth, until I saw the pain in someone's eyes, when they saw what the truth was going to be. Despite seeing this, I usually have told the truth. As others here have said, lying in any form is wrong, usually; but so is telling the truth, sometimes. (I wouldn't tell a mugger that I have a twenty in my shoe, nor would I confess a short-term affair to my wife.)

In this relationship, where trust is essential, allowing the truth not to be told creates distance, eroding trust. Sooner or later the truth is likely to emerge, and the imagined hurt your wife will feel will be compounded by this deception.

Some may look upon telling your wife the truth that you are a CDer as if you were confessing having an affair. You haven't done any wrong, so there's nothing to confess; taking responsibility and acknowledging being a CDer is another matter. I think she is owed the truth, in this matter.

Whether you tell her the truth or not, however, you remain my friend.:)

Rainbow

[Odette30UK GG]

My dirty clothes hamper is beside the toilet. Thursday night I came in very late and left my slacks on top of the hamper. She pointed that out to me Saturday. I really don't know what she believes or doesn't believe. I do know I better make no further slips because she will be watching. And I know I have no interest in dressing right now because I feel like crap about the whole sordid mess. Wish I had an avatar of me frowning.
Emily Ann

Very Good Avatar.

There are obviously are a few that think one way and a few that think the other... but hell if were we all the same wouldn't life just be too boring. :D

You know your wife better than anyone else in the world, so it is up to you to judge the right time to tell her....
But after the fright you had today I am sure you have the intention of telling her sooner rather than later.
I'll stick to my point though that she will be on guard...

Treat your wife to a night out or a box of chocolates in a few days time, soften the mood, make her feel like she's the only woman you love.
Talk to her about things from your past that you enjoyed together.
When you have done this you should both feel loved up with each other and a bit more relaxed.
Don't worry I wasn't gonna say butter her up then tell her, you two need to get back into being one.

Ohh and don't kick yourself to hard I think that frankinstien says it all.....

Emily please can I ask a few questons?
Do you know how she would react at all?
Do you know anyone that is a CD that you could introduce to her at a night out maybe or in a cafe, just to see her response?

Hugs
Keep ya chin up hun
Odette
XxxxxX
Ohh and ps I believe ya

[Sissy Jay]

LOLOLOLOL!!!! Sorry but that was too funny! That was also that most excitement I have had in a week! That is sooo cool that it came out so well for you! Yours truly , sissy Jay P.S. WOW

[oztallulah]

Hi Emily Ann, Not wanting to sound like a sheep, or whatever, I agree with much that has been said, and won't go on writing it all again. I would however, from experience, now take the bull by the horns and start opening up a bit to your SO. What happened to you, actually happened to me, only it wasn't a ring, it was a box with panties and suspenders in it. I didn't have the luxury of dodging the bullet, but, deciding to come clean has made me a better person, even though the split had to happen. I now have what I think is, a better relationship with my EX SO, than before. And I can be Andrea whenever I want.

[Odette30UK GG]

Real life, once you pass the age of 8 or so, is not black and white. There have always been and will always be those times when the old adage "Better a harmless lie than the hurtful truth" applies. It was no less than the great Oscar Wilde who said, "The truth is seldom plain and rarely simple."

Firstly Did your parents or guardian ever teach you it was bad to lie?
Secondly "Better a harmless lie" so lieing to your partner/wife to hide a secret desire that you have.
Is HARMLESS??? Maybe to you it is, if thats your way of living but if you were his wife you wouldn't think that harmless lie he told me about the ring was harmless she would be devastated.

Thirdly - is anything at all simple in this world?

[jessi girl]

holly hannah! girl you need to get in the ring with iron mike tyson.
NOW THAT WAS SOME BOBBIN' AND WEAVIN! kudos!

[Sissy Jay]

Hi Emily, personal, though I thoroughly enjoyed and am relieved for you of how well you come out of that situation, I had lived that lie for a long time! and during first marriage which by the way ended partly due to my cd'ing, I am so glad that I told her. even though it took me 3 months of crying to get over her. Now with my current wife, I told her on our first or second date, and we have been together for 9 years now. The first 4 to 5 years were rocky and down right tiring, but it was at least it was not due to me keeping secrets from her. The last 4 years have been so wonderful. We have our play time when alone and we get along so much better. With her knowing about me, I can loosen up more easily and be the nice and sweet wife like husband to her and a good father to my two sons. That and it feels so calming and wonderful when my wife says in her cute little voice "your so sweet" and gives me a big hug and a kiss. She now knows how much I like it when she uses her little girl voice on me! Yours truly, sissy Jay

[sportschick]

My heart was pounding reading your post.The CD gods must have been smiling on you that day. Definitely makes you think things over doesn't it. No judgements here, but I hope never to have that close a call if I ever dress again.

[JoAnnDallas]

I was not going to get into this fray, but I am. First I am NOT going to even try to judge Emily on wither she should or should not tell her wife. I found out a LONG time ago that

1.I don’t know what the parties involved are thinking…2. I don’t know the circumstance that revolves around the problem…..3. It is between the two people involved to settle the problem….4. I am NOT a marriage counselor……5. It’s not my problem, I have enough of my own.

Having said all that, I believe that Emily and I have become good friends and as such, I will be there for her, no matter how it resolves itself. Yes, I am in the closet to my wife and family and I DO have my reasons for keeping it secret. Each of us that are in the closet have our own reasons and should not be ridiculed by anyone else because of it. Many of us who are over 50, grew up in an area that ingrained in us certain values, way of life, and attitudes. I am the baby of the family thus most are older than I and are even more set in their ways. Many of us seem to forget this and don’t take into consideration this mind set. Example: Thirty years ago, if I told someone I was a gay, I would be told I was mentally ill and need treatment. Today if I told someone I was gay, Ok your gay, so what. This is NOT the case for us Cders. Yes thirty years ago we would be considered mentally ill and need treatment. Even ten years ago, it was not accepted. If you were a Cder, you WERE GAY, no if, ands, or buts. Today it is slowly being accepted by some. It will be another ten – twenty years before Cding achieves the same respect as being gay has today. It is just another life style.
I applaud those that told their wives and GF and are accepting of our live style. These are the groundbreakers. Until recently, we did not have a place like this forum where we can gather and share among us. Each of us were AFRAID and ALONE. I admit I have come a long ways since I have been a member of this forum. It has been the friendship and yes criticism from time to time, that has allowed me to make my first true all female dressed outing. Sometimes we need encouragement and sometimes we need criticism. It helps us grow and go forward where we may never have traveled. BUT to say you should do this or that, NO, I have not right to say anything. I can be there to give a shoulder to cry on, hold the Kleenex for you, listen to you ramp and rage, scream and holler, hold your hand until you fall asleep, BUT I will NOT judge you. The last thing a person needs when she is crashed to earth is to listen to someone telling what is right or wrong. That is NOT what a friend does in these cases or your not her friend. This no different that a nasty divorce and I went thru one of those many many years ago. I thought my whole world had collapsed around me. My brother in law came and got me, took me to their house, pour drink after drink down me, listen to me wail, until I finally went to sleep. He and my sister watched me, listen to me talk, and never did they say a word. They never judged me or said “I told you so”, or anything. They just was there. They were friends first and family second. Sorry to go on like this, but some of the comments I have read made me think what would I want others to do or say, if or when it happens to me.

[Lauren_T]

Firstly Did your parents or guardian ever teach you it was bad to lie?
Secondly "Better a harmless lie" so lieing to your partner/wife to hide a secret desire that you have.
Is HARMLESS??? Maybe to you it is, if thats your way of living but if you were his wife you wouldn't think that harmless lie he told me about the ring was harmless she would be devastated.

Thirdly - is anything at all simple in this world?
Firstly...
Many children, including myself, were/are taught that oversimplification, because they were/are children. They cannot understand the subtleties that are part of the very complex lives of adults. For that reason, we are also taught that the Stork brought us...

As you grow and mature, and you learn to think for yourself, you realise that telling the truth can sometimes destroy someone's life - and that telling a lie can sometimes save one. Children are not prepared to, or expected to cope with such situations. Black-and-white thinking - or, thinking in absolutes - as Piaget showed us 40 years ago, is a childhood trait, and it is normal to grow out of it by 8 to 10 years. However bits of it often hang on into adulthood, since it makes things so simple and easy...

Fact: Sometimes, telling the truth is a cruel, vicious and wicked act.

Fact: Sometimes, telling a lie is a humane, loving and blessed act.

As Mr. Billy Joel so wisely expressed it:

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see

...

Now with the wisdom of years I try to reason things out
And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts
Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for
I won't be righteous again
I'm not that sure anymore

Should you doubt Mr Joel's take on the matter, I offer this:

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
~ I Corinthians 13:11

Also worth noting:

Judge not, lest ye be judged.
~ Matthew 7:1
_____________________

Secondly...
...those are your words, not mine... :)

and, Thirdly...
Who ever said it was? :)

Emily must still do what she decides is best.

:OT: :sorry:

[Sissy Jay]

Lauren! I am really sorry to have to disagree, but you need some religion in your life. Lying is what satan tells us is the humane thing to do. Deception is still a lie. I can't believe that there is such a thing as a good lie. It's like when you say someone is very beautiful. Sometimes for me I can see inside someone to theur heart and soul. Where I'm going with this is that you don't have to blirt out the truth just to get a reaction out of someone. There are nicer and more tactful ways of saying things. I'm mean!!! "WOW" ladies, he is not telling her that he is gay or the likes! He would be sharing a part of his life to her that is important to him and obviously is important to have her acceptance as well. Having got all that out, he should still wait till he knows that it is the right time to tell her or the perfect moment. Living with untruth is a lonely and mentally devestating way to exist. I hope this doesn't offend! This is just what i've experience during my lifetime and I hope it helps someone else so they do not have to go throughor keep going through what I've been through. Lots of love to all! especially Emily at the moment!
Yours truly, sissy Jay
1

[Tamara Croft]

I feel I need to step into this thread and put my 2p in for what it's worth. Like the majority here, most will say 'you should tell her the truth'. But telling the truth at what cost. What cost could this be to Emily? She could lose her wife, her family, everything she has worked for. Her wife could turn around and tell everyone, everyone she loves, everyone she works with. What benefit would that be to Emily? Imagine being in her shoes, imagine that in a split second your whole life could be destroyed and for what? Emily has the right to tell her wife when she feels fit and ready to do so.

This is her dilema and she will in time fix it. But that is exactly what she needs, time. This time wasn't obviously the right time to do so. Being confronted with stuff makes you think irrationally. If you plan on telling someone something, it shouldn't be in a confrontation.

Sissy, please keep religion out of this, this is not Laurens problem, this is Emilys and you should be giving guidance to Emily, not Lauren.

Em, I wish you all the best with things and if you ever need to talk, you know where I am. :hugs:

[Sazzle]

Please,

tell your wife the truth. Maybe she truthfully believes that your $9 ring was intended for her, maybe she doesn't.....

I wouldn't take that chance! its always better to be open and honest and remember that after a near miss fate will be aiming at you just that little bit better.

If you need to take your time to get your head straight after this little incident then thats probabally a good idea - have some websites and reference material ready if she wants to find out more. If she takes it very badly leave it for a later date.

thats my advice - can't promise that its good advise though.

Break a leg babe.

X

[Rainbow6562005]

Hi, :)

I had said my piece earlier, but after I read what you wrote about there not being a good lie, I had to add this:

if you were hiding a beloved from the secret police...say a Jewish relative from the Gestapo during World War Two...when, if you told the police the truth that you were hiding this person, you could be almost certain that the beloved would be tortured and killed, you would turn them in? I find it very difficult to believe that any rational religion would have you hand them over.

Rainbow

[JulieNY]

Wow.

Maybe you were lucky, maybe not. It probably would have been better to have a real talk. I hope you do. Perhaps a lot to lose by telling, but probably more to lose by not telling. No lie lasts forever. Sooner or later things come out. She'll bring this back up.

It's not exactly the same, but I too was betrayed by a spouse. She made the mistake of thinking the pleasant lie was better than the ugly truth. It's time to man-up.

Lauren, you're one of my favorite posters on this site, but I disagree with you. There are times to lie, but lies to loved ones are generally a bad idea. Oscar Wilde is great, but what about Mark Twain? When in doubt, tell the truth. Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32. I agree that all we can do is offer advice and respect as best as we can the decisions made. But that doesn't mean that there aren't good and bad ones, black and white or not.

If you decide not to tell, I'd be really, really, really, realllllly careful at this point. Time to don the ninja suit and tip-toe out at midnight to ditch evidence.

Also keep in mind that it doesn't have to go bad. You're not only avoiding negative outcomes by telling, you also stand a lot to gain if she is accepting. Will she be? *Better to take a bet on her acceptance than a bet on her disapproval or prejudice* Even if the odds aren't in favor, that's love.

Or maybe I'm a little naive and spited from my own life :)

Best of luck, either way. Wishing you the best.

Julie.

[andreaboots]

Ok, Emily dear! We have been in contact with each other lately about NC girls getting together. I think now is the time because you need a lot of support girlfriend and we aim to give it to you! I know you feel absolutely devastated and confused a bit and most definitely scared. Been there and you know a lot of us have too! Hang in there sweetie, time is your ally right now. Please digest bit by bit what just happened and make a very calculated decision as to what you think is right. Sometimes truth is not a good thing and sometimes lying is necessary, please be careful. Please write me girl and I'll give you heads up about the future NC girls meeting!! We do love you and support you and we will do our best to help you! Take care and hope to hear from you very soon!!!! Love ya! XXX:thumbsup:

[HaleyPink2000]

My goodness Sis!

Wow! About all I can say is Wow! Like you said to me on the phone, " Haley you have it good compared to most". Wow, that finally struck home. I guess your right. Sis what a bullet! A golden one at that. With your name on it, HUH? That’s so wild. Hate to say this but, " Glad it was not me". I'd a been like shaking in my shoes, and the nail polish would have smoked off my toes.

Am glad you and I are close! You know my phone if you need me. I owe ya one anyway for helping me so many times. Over and over and over! Probably tired of hearing Haley problems. But Sis, Em! What were you thinking?
I can only guess. Wow, the emotions had to be like lightning in your head.
Like, " what do I do or say now". Or like, " why did She happen to look there, and why was I so dumb to leave it there". I think I'm dumb mostly when I get caught is the reason for the Dumb comment. Sorry! U know me, it's just that I so thought no way would Em ever ever get caught.

As for me I'm out there. My Wife did go to the party with me, it was a blast. But She came to me and said She had had enough and wanted to go home about 9:30pm. Which was fine as we had an hour drive home anyway. Then Church the next morning early. I was so so tired the next morning. But I still have my petticoat and poodle skirt to clean. Along with all the rest of the clothes I did wear. Camp fire smoke every place, and you can smell it on every piece of clothing I did wear. Did wash the wig tonight after going out to get wig shampoo today for a synthetic wig. Sorry to ramble!!!!

Ok, your problem is your way into being sensitive! Suck that gut in and stand up and say, " Hun, I’m a cross dresser "! As you crawl across the floor, with her throwing everything in the house at you! fjrqjijv[ruIA'DAK, ALSO HER SAYING EVERY BAD THING SHE CAN MUSTER TO YOU!

No Really! Am glad your still with the living Hun!
Your Sister!
Haley:)

[Khriss]

yup- "truth hurts" sometimes...
and lies can compound themselves'(logerithmicly)- allways-
I've fessed up to SO's and had bumm results..:(
... not sure what to say...though, offering the truth...I always sleep better!
-eventually- eh? ..Hang in Emily :thumbsup: xx"K"

[Kimberly]

am I allowed you think, to voice the fact that I totally do not recognise your right to lie and deceive your wife?
Amen!!

The truth is always the best course of action in the end, because at least then people can evaluate you for who you are... whether they accept you or not.

xx

[Stephanie Kay]

One more lie added to the sack!! Everytime this happens, it's only making it harder and worse when you are caught or when you choose to come out of the closet. Trust is the currency of a happy healthy relationship. That's what love is!! Gotta choose someday!
Lot's o'wasted energy!! Hard to live with the fear! I know, I did it for 30 years! Take care!

[Sissy Jay]

I try not to compare litterally saving someone's life with the idea of saving ones dignity. Besides I don't see much self dignity in living a lie! They say that the truth shall set you free. Unfortunately the truth sometimes comes with consequences, but that doesn't mean it's easier in the long run or that you will be personally satisfied by keeping up what society thinks is a normal way of behavior. And Define normal for me if you can?!?!?!?!?! I think It is an illusion caused by people that have not been able to experience life past their own nose. If all the inventors of our world would have been "normal" we would still be in the Dark Ages. Yours Truly, Sissy Jay

[JamieDP]

I have re-read this thread, and I just wanted to say that I don't get a sense of judgement or pre-judgement, but more a sense of peoples thoughts and perspectives. I hope Emily that when you read the responses that you see that these are folks honest opinions of what each of thinks would be the best GIVEN the information available, but ultimately I think most of us appear to agree that only you know your situationa and only you know the costs and benefits. Ultimately I just want to say good luck to you and best wishes however you decide to handle your situation. None of it and none of life is easy. You're in my prayers, and I genuinely hope the best for you.

[melissacd]

Em,

I know how scary this situation is for you and I know how much you love cross dressing. Perhaps this is a great opportunity to open this up to her and be able to legitimately dress. Based on some things that you have said recently I was getting the feeling that you were looking for an opportunity to finally come clean with her.

My hopes and wishes are with you no matter which way you go.

Take care gurl.

Huggs
Melissa

[sherri]

I feel I need to step into this thread and put my 2p in for what it's worth. Like the majority here, most will say 'you should tell her the truth'. But telling the truth at what cost. What cost could this be to Emily? She could lose her wife, her family, everything she has worked for. Her wife could turn around and tell everyone, everyone she loves, everyone she works with. What benefit would that be to Emily? Imagine being in her shoes, imagine that in a split second your whole life could be destroyed and for what? Emily has the right to tell her wife when she feels fit and ready to do so.

This is her dilema and she will in time fix it. But that is exactly what she needs, time. This time wasn't obviously the right time to do so. Being confronted with stuff makes you think irrationally. If you plan on telling someone something, it shouldn't be in a confrontation.

I don't know if consensus is possible on a topic like this, or if it's even important to have consensus, but toward that end, I think Tamarra's take is pretty sound thinking. I don't see that caution is really making anything worse at this point, and there is potentiallly a great deal at stake.

[Jillian310]

During the Cold War, a man named Herbert Filbrick (I think I have his name right) led THREE lives. There was even a docudrama TV series about him at the time. He was a married family man, had a straight job, and was an undercover agent in a communust cell for the FBI. He kept all three lives separate and apart from each other because that is what it took for him to survive and be effective in those areas. In the final analysis, most humans, when faced with 'life or death' (or worse) situations, do what they see as their best chance of survival. When one engages in behavior seen by the majority as not a quirk or abbervation, but perverted, the discovery of same and the attendant upheaval thus created by the discovery is faced by a survival instinct. One instinct, when there is no other option, is to 'come clean' and throw oneself 'on the mercy of the court'. Having an accepting spouse and/or family is obviously a major plus in those cases, yet survival is not insured. But if a little wiggle room presents itself, i.e., finding a way to survival through deception, that may perceived as the best course for that person at that time. I say all of that to say this: one must walk a mile in the other person's shoes to understand why that person behaves as s/he does. I find no criticism in anyof the above posts, because we all face these issues individually within the framework of OUR life experiences. In my own case, my wife knows I shave and wear panties 24/7. She buys some for me. She knows I wear earrngs 24/7. She had these diamond stars custom made for me and gave them to me for a birthday present. She sees my polished manicured nails and long styled hair. Sooner or later she will learn about the rest. It is inevitable. How will I react when that happens, I don't have a clue, because one can't really plan for such a traumatic event, despite the bravado mental planning that preceeds it. I thank the previous posters in this string for their advice, experiences, and counsel. And I find fault with no one for the way they deal/dealt with it or the advice they have given. It is, after all, that life and death personal decision.