I suspect my brother is a cross dresser

[rachel_rachel]

My brother has just recently gotten himself out of a violent relationship and that means that i've taken him in.

He's got bags and bags of clothes stored out my shed.. Most of them full of women's clothing and shoes.. Whilst i've been and had a bit of a look, it's all too small for me, maybe not for him though.

Is it wrong for me to be looking through? In my opinion, Not when it's in my shed.
I did happen to find something that fitted me... a mini skirt!!
There's also a few pairs of shoes as well, but i've got too many shoes as it is, I tried on a pair of boots yesterday, fitted great.

I don't want to front him, He was a teenage runaway and has only just come back after 15 years, Also, i'm not the confrontational type....

Just wanted to vent.

[Karren H]

My younger brother crossdressed... actually I introduced him to it... We don't talk about it anymore... But I wouldn't confront your brother just in case there's another reason you didn't think of.....

[Mindy More]

I guess my 1st question would be - does your brother know you cd?
If he does, that could be useful to you in an opening discussion.

If your really curious to know. You can do the Concerned sibling thing. Maybe mention that you were worried and thought he might be in trouble so you checked his stuff and found mostly womens clothes, maybe he picked up the wrong bag?

A couple of reasons come to mind -
1. Maybe that's all the stuff he bought his ex, and he took it all back.
2. Maybe he took some/all of her clothes as a retaliation
3. Maybe they are his and he do's CD

I'm sure other excuse's can be brought up/created. It's totally up to you if you wanna pursue it further. If he's gonna be staying with you for a while, it may just come out. But if it's a short time, you'd have to start the conversation if you want to know either way.

I'd probably be dropping hints here and there to see if he knows any terms or something. Sorta like some pot smokers do, give a couple code words and see who knows. If they seem cool enough, maybe drop bigger tips until your actually talking about it.

(did I make sense? I think I just lost my point there but I was trying to help ;) )

[donnalee]

Well, you could let him find some of your stuff..............

[jillleanne]

What is in those bags is your brothers' property and not yours. You have no right to open them. You could also suspect he is a serial killer but you would have no right to confront him in that either. What you do have is a right to tell him about yourself and who you are. Should he choose to discuss his personal life with you so be it, otherwise, keep your nose out of his personal life unless you know something that could impact his overall safety. Being gender enhanced is not a life threatening issue.

[gabimartini]

So, if you found money in some of your brother's bags, would it give you the right to grab it, just because it's sitting in your shed? Sorry, but that's a very lame justification for your indiscretion. You have no right to snoop, it's still his personal stuff, keep out of it.

Also, if he hasn't come out, don't bring him out. Seems like he has enough on his plate as it is. It was nice enough of you to take him in, so for the time being, just give him shelter, comfort and love, and let the rest figure itself out with time.

My two cents anyway.

[Tina B.]

I have to agree with Gabi, I've had brothers move in with me over the years, or stow things in my garage for them while they where going through hard times, I never felt I had a reason, or right to go through there stuff, and I would never mess in there personal life unless they came to me and brought it up. If you want to come out to someone, that's your right, but no one should ever try dragging another out into the light, we each need to come out on our own terms if possible.
Tina B.

[Jenniferathome]

Whats to confront? How about asking him about it. "Hey, I was in the shed rearranging things and noticed a lot of women's clothes in your bags. Is there anything you want to tell me?"

[Brynn_A]

Having been on both sides, giving and recieving shelter, several things come back. All of us by nature assume a certain level of privacy no matter the situation. When staying with a friend, I had no issue with them looking into my room to assure that I was doing no damage. However, had they actually gone through my drawers and closets, I would have considered that a major invasion. Likewise, after taking in a family member, I would occasionally take a peek to ensure there were no signs of illegal activity. Given their past, I felt I was warrated and did. Allow your brother to be who he is, respect regular boundariesor..invite him out shopping!

[DonniDarkness]

Dont push your brother, give him his privacy.

Its a little invasive to go thru his things and really invasive to be trying on his clothes without asking. Anytime anyone is in my closet im freaking out!

Does your brother know you dress? Thats where i would start if you feel so compelled by these bags of clothes.

But outright stateing that you went thru his things and found womens clothes, willl out him on the spot and could do irreparable damage to his own personal conflicts. He just got out of a bad relationship? help him with that instead of pushing more buttons. Be there for him, and when hes ready to come out to you it will happen.....but on his time. Pushing him now could send him into a denial/purge phase and set him back in his own personal acceptance.

Lots of Love,
-Donni-

[Marleena]

Donni just said it all for me. You need to stay out of his stuff. Would you like him going through/wearing your clothes if situations were reversed? Be careful with this.

[Rachel Flowers]

Several girls here have ready said it:if you offer him shelter, his personal effects are private. And so is his dressing, I can imagine how exciting it must be to stumble on someone else, but its his prerogative to come out, when he's ready, not yours to force it on him. Out yourself and wait for reciprocation. Perhaps explain to him not to be freaked if he finds any of your stuff

[Claire Cook]

I agree with others, it's his privacy here. Suppose you were in his shoes? But you might drop hints that, since he is living with you, there is something about yourself he might want to know .. in case gets a clue that you dress. How knows, it might lead to sisterhood?

[EllieOPKS]

Yep, violating someone's privacy is just wrong. Trying on his stuff is totally inexcusable. What kind of a friend would do that? If you want to wear something that is obviously female around him, it will give him the opportunity to start a conversation. If he doesn't talk then it should be obvious he wants to keep things quite.

[Stephanie47]

I don't think you stated what kind of violent relationship. You may not know the entire picture. I'd just approach the situation by offering to be a sounding board for him. If he is a cross dresser and he does not know you are also a cross dresser, I do not think he would be willing to unload his baggage onto you. Especially if that is the reason for the violent relationship.

[Chickhe]

What you should do is tell him you crossdress. That way it is his choice to tell you or not and you make it easy for him knowing you do it too.

[DonnaT]

Why did he run away?

[Rachel Flowers]

And if you come out to him and he bottles out, respect that he's not ready yet and don't push him.

[rachel_rachel]

Ok... let me clarify some things... I suspect that he might because my wife found 'chicken fillets' in the bathroom the other day and asked if they were mine... I don't use the kids bathroom.

If he's going to leave all these bags around AND leave them open... i can look. I know where he got the clothes from, I used to do excatly what he does.. Op shop bins over the weekends, rule no. 1 If it's out of the bin.. fair game.

Like i said, it was just a rant, i wasn't expecting the opinions that were forthcoming... Especially the moral issue ones. As i said, if he chooses to leave the bags open in plain view in front of my kids, I'll look. Who knows whats in the bags... i don't need a konck on the door from the local police for harbouring stolen goods.

[Ellyn]

Just because your brother has placed HIS PROPERTY in YOUR GARAGE with your permission, it does not give you the right to invade his privacy, nor steal his property. Shame on you.

[Niya W]

Uh she said he left breast forms out . If you leave the clothes out in the open then yes it's fair game.

[brenda h]

Ask him if he wants a girls night in.

[angpai30]

Just say "I noticed that you had lots of womens clothing. I'm a crossdresser and if you are a cder I'm here to talk if you need it. If not I still don't want you to freak if you find some of my clothes. I love you and I hope things work out for you.

[Donniesr]

Just love him because he is your brother..Anything else is secondary and will come out if and when its necissary..

[Rachel Flowers]

Rachel, I think you got the moral opinions because you specifically raised the issue in your opening post of whether you were right to look. It's always a danger here that one missing detail will cause a storm of pointless controversy!

If he's leaving fillets in the kid's bathroom then yes you need to tell him straight away.

[Samantha_Smile]

Im on the side of 'respect his privacy'.

This seems to be more of an opinion pole now.
If he wants to talk, he will

[rachel_rachel]

Just because your brother has placed HIS PROPERTY in YOUR GARAGE with your permission, it does not give you the right to invade his privacy, nor steal his property. Shame on you.

Settle down... I said if you leave something open, and it's there for my kids to look at as well, and it shouldn't be... It's open to be looked through.

[rachel_rachel]

Rachel, I think you got the moral opinions because you specifically raised the issue in your opening post of whether you were right to look. It's always a danger here that one missing detail will cause a storm of pointless controversy!

If he's leaving fillets in the kid's bathroom then yes you need to tell him straight away.

That's more my point.. I got asked if they were mine... i don't use fillets when i have proper forms, and not that bathroom.


As for the moral issue.. I think it's more an aussie thing, we do it differently here... No moral issue here for me. Like i said, posession is 9/10 of the law. and if he's caught and it's in my possesion, i'm NOT taking the wrap.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rachel,

What a wonderful oppertunity you have to bond with a family member. Take him out to a quite park and have a one on one chat, it sounds like he's dropping (chicken fillets on bathroom floor) hints that opens a door to conversation. take the taime to talk with him and share what you feel comfortable with. I would love to have this oppertunity with my friends. Be the big sister and have a chat.

[Donniesr]

That's more my point.. I got asked if they were mine... i don't use fillets when i have proper forms, and not that bathroom.


As for the moral issue.. I think it's more an aussie thing, we do it differently here... No moral issue here for me. Like i said, posession is 9/10 of the law. and if he's caught and it's in my possesion, i'm NOT taking the wrap.

Whats an Aussie thing?? Are you any different than anyone else? Take the wrap for what? Is he doing someting wrong or against the law? Is his dressing any different than yours? He is your brother, love him like one. You never know when you won't get another chance..

[Stacey Summer]

Well now. I'm seeing some pretty vitriolic posts in this thread. Most of them made before knowing the whole story and some made after. However I'm inclined to agree with the OP on this one. If the bags are left open and in a place where they are accessible to my kids then I would go through them to find out if there was anything dangerous to my children, someone elses privacy comes a very poor second to the saftey of my children.

The OP also stated that she doesn't want to take the wrap for anything illegal and I agree with this too. I don't know how it is in Oz but over here, if it's in your house you're responsible, so if your guest is doing somthing illegal like drugs or handling stolen goods, you're on the hook just as much as they are.

Can I suggest that people hold out from going off the deep end until they know the whole story?

[Kristy_K]

My older brother came out to me but I was to a shame of it to admit it to him. It took me another 20 years to admit it. I sure wish I had courage to admit to it. I lost out on some good times.

[Leilani]

I think that you have the right to tell him that you are going to look through his stuff to make sure that there are no items that are illegal since the boxes are being held on your property and you have minors living on the premises. I do not think that you should just go looking through without his knowledge and then trying on his(?) clothes. You never know, they may not even be his and he may have taken them from a past gf. I also think that you are a little too defensive especially considering you only asked one question during your original post and that was "Is it wrong for me to be looking through?". You can't ask for opinions and then get angry or defensive when people say they think you are wrong. That is a sure way to stop getting any helpful opinions. Of course nobody likes to be told that they are doing something wrong but getting others insights can be a great way to remove yourself from a personal situation and see if perhaps your own emotions are clouding your judgement. I don't mean "your" as in Rachel_Rachel but as in all of us.

I think you have the right to know what is in the boxes but I think you need to say this to him rather than "snoop" through them. Especially considering he was a runaway and has reconnected. How will he feel and react if he finds that you have "invaded his privacy"? My guess is not too well and he may end up asking why he came back in the first place to a family where he is not trusted.

I have no idea what "chicken fillets" are but if he is leaving anything inappropriate out where your kids can find it you have to talk to him about that issue. Just my 2 cents.

[jillleanne]

Too bad you didn't mention the breast forms in the original post. 99% of the replies would have been much different. If he is leaving forms/clothes in the house for all to see( who does he think cleans the bathrooms?), then he needs to be pulled to the side and given some ground rules that you and your wife agree upon. A village idiot can figure out he has gender issues if he leaves forms in the bathroom, so in a nice way, explain you have no problem if he is gender enhanced, but he must follow some house rules.

[Dana7]

Rachel, in view of everything that's been said so far, I think that there are several issues here.

Your first concern is your brother's well being, both physical and emotional. I commend you for taking him in and providing a safe, secure environment for him to sort his life out. He may need a bit of time to get his bearings and get back on his feet. And during this time when he is with you, it affords you the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with him and show him that you are truly a brother that cares. We all need that from our families.

While he is in your home, you do have the right to ask him to manage his affairs correctly, and leaving things out like breast forms is inappropriate, to say the least. As far as I am concerned, he outed himself. I don't think that it would be a traumatic thing for you to ask him about them if you do it in a kind and accepting way. And I would recommend that when you raise the issue of the forms being left out that you come out to him too. That will automatically make him feel accepted. And it will open the door for him to communicate with you if he desires.

If he pulls back when you mention his indiscretion, then let the matter rest. And let him know that you love him and accept him unconditionally. This is very important for you to get across to him. Right now he is in a very vulnerable place emotionally. He may not want to talk just because he feels helpless right now. On the other hand, it may be just what he needs, to have someone he can talk with about how he feels.

My guess is that right now, when he is feeling all this emotional stress, is a time when he will really want to dress in order to relieve his tensions. Give him space to do that if he needs it.

I agree with everyone else that has written about the impropriety of going through your brother's things. They are his things and he has trusted you to safeguard them for him. How would you feel if you were in his position and you found out that someone had ransacked your most private belongings? I would leave them alone. If in the course of your conversations with him he decides to come out to you then you can talk about those items you saw without making him feel uncomfortable. But if he does not initiate it, then they are sacrosanct. His things are his things, not yours, even if they are stored on your property.

Finally, let your family know that you want them to make him feel accepted and loved. He is in a tough place right now and deserves a bit more patience. He is in a strange place, even if you are his family. Frictions can come up and you can do your part to try to head them off.

I think that if you initiate the discussion about crossdressing and come out to him, the breast form issue will be the open door to a deeper relationship with your brother. After all, we all like to share our dressing issues with someone who understands. Isn't that why we come to a site like this?

My prayers are with you that this situation resolves quickly and successfully. And I think you are a noble character for helping your brother. Just respect his boundaries as you would appreciate yours to be respected.

Best wishes,

Dana :)