I desire to enjoy girly things with my wife

[z.kasia]

I cannot tell her yet, too scared, that I am a crossdresser. However, I think we could have so much fun together shopping, mani and pedi, and even intimate times. How many of you have SO that you get to be femme with? Was it difficult to get to that point?

Thanks for any encouragement and guidance.

Kasia

[Rachel Flowers]

For me, kasia, it was ridiculously easy. As soon as I told her she got very excited and within 5 minutes we were planning our first shopping trip together. From what I hear on this forum, this is not unique but far from the usual response. What is your wife like? Is she religious? Does she have friends in alternative lifestyles? Has she ever jokingly offered to put makeup or lingerie on you? What are her parents like? All these and more will help you work out whether and how to approach her with this.

[cindy777]

I know excately what you mean, when I was getting the courage up to tell my wife many years ago, it scared me to death.

It took some time for her to adjust and always went at her pace and not doing things over the top. Take your time and tell her when the time is right for you. It never hurts to tell someone something that may be a little stressful when they are in a really good mood.

Today I gave my wife a Spa treatment en femme and then we ordered some items on line, she ordered me a dress for Christmas, to say that I am happy would be an understatement.

Hope everything works out well for you.

[z.kasia]

I it will be difficult for me because her parents are very strict and she is not open. I have tried jokingly putting on her panties and it was taken as a joke and nothing more. I didn't get a feel she was ok with it in anyway. Wish there was some way for her to see it would be fun and deepen our relationship.

[dsmth]

I have an SO that I have been femme with. Just last Saturday we had dinner and a movie for the first time while I was dressed (to some extent). She kept looking at my legs! But apart from that the evening went well. This was maybe the first time we did this. She found out about my dressing back in June of this year. To me it seems like it's been a very slow process and there is still a ways to go. I no longer feel guilty with myself when I dress but I still feel guilty when I am dressed in front of her. She's accepting but I think she'd rather see me in traditional mens clothes :). I wonder if we'll ever reach the point where we're both equally comfortable with me dressed (I hope so). She has said (not recently) that she's not attacted to me while I'm dressed. I've responded to her something like as follows.... "When we're at home together you don't dress in such a manner as to be attactive to me... You dress to be comfortable and it so happens that that means you tend to wear jeans (even men's jeans and sometimes other men's clothing such as a shirt or vest or jacket) in front of me... And guess what I don't find that particularly attractive to me either." (I do find her attractive regardless of what she wears I guess because I love her and really don't care ... which I've also told her.)

[Genivieve]

Haha, my SO refuses to do anything girly for herself. I ask her in awesome ways, tell her lets get you something pretty, I remind her how lovely she is and that I adore her looks and lifestyle. At the very least I want to feel her body femmed up just on occasion even just in private. She doesn't even own a skirt or any makeup. I don't want to change her, but it might be fun and add to our intimacy.

[z.kasia]

Thanks, that is an interesting point about her not always dressing to please you but to please herself at times. I will remember this if I can ever share this with her.

[Rachel Flowers]

One thing most GG SOs seem to agree on is they prefer to find out in conversation than by catching you at it is by finding your stuff and wondering whether you're having an affair. If she's going to be against it, none of these is going to go well. Ask yourself, could you go without if she demanded that of you?

[Acastina]

I wonder if we'll ever reach the point where we're both equally comfortable with me dressed (I hope so). She has said (not recently) that she's not attracted to me while I'm dressed. I've responded to her something like as follows.... "When we're at home together you don't dress in such a manner as to be attractive to me... You dress to be comfortable and it so happens that that means you tend to wear jeans (even men's jeans and sometimes other men's clothing such as a shirt or vest or jacket) in front of me... And guess what I don't find that particularly attractive to me either." (I do find her attractive regardless of what she wears I guess because I love her and really don't care ... which I've also told her.)

That's a great way to put it, and it balances the power in the relationship with regard to clothing. Her idea of comfortable is dressing down; yours is dressing up. I think that's something they struggle with: to them, "comfortable" means loose-fitting and casual. To us, it means that which gives us a feeling of comfort emotionally, even if the clothing is physically confining. In fact, that confining nature of a lot of traditional women's clothing is somehow a large part of the appeal.

You've got a strong argument. Pursue it wisely and compassionately, and keep us posted on how it goes..

[z.kasia]

Thanks Rachel, I can see that she would not want to think I am having an affair. I am not sure I could go without this. I could try but it is such a part of me and even this finally admitting it in this safe environment has made me realize how much a part of me it is. I have tried to stop in the past, many times, but I always start again. I enjoy it, it makes me happy and it makes me feel good in many ways. Part of me is feminine and I think it will come out one way or another.

[Jenniferathome]

While telling my wife was the most difficult thing I ever did, I am happier now than ever. She as well. Still, while I dress around my wife and she offers tips and style advice, she is not an active participant. I could never imagine her suggesting I get dressed up. Perhaps it is better stated that she doesn't care. It does not turn her on, does not scare her, "it"s just clothes.". Telling your wife is a great thing, but be prepared for a difficult time and focus on her comfort, not your unburdening.

[Alice B]

Sure I would love to share girly things with my wife. She knows and accepts my dressing, but that is as far as it goes. We sometimes, kiddingly will share a thought, but dresing together is not in the cards.

[Rachel Flowers]

Thanks Rachel, I can see that she would not want to think I am having an affair. I am not sure I could go without this. I could try but it is such a part of me and even this finally admitting it in this safe environment has made me realize how much a part of me it is. I have tried to stop in the past, many times, but I always start again. I enjoy it, it makes me happy and it makes me feel good in many ways. Part of me is feminine and I think it will come out one way or another.

Many of us feel the same way. I recognise that my case is exceptionally positive: she was not only immediately accepting but also sensitively encouraging. If she's had a narrow upbringing, it may be harder but if you both truly live each other you can find an agreement that will work for you both. Fingers crossed for you and your missis getting your toes painted together!

[Barbara Ella]

The fear involved in telling a loving wife that you are a cross dresser can only be felt, not imagined. But, it can only be experienced once. My wife has been accepting, and even participatory to some extent, which in my mind is fantastic for the first week of knowing. She suggested I buy a padded panty after noticing I had no butt, and it didnt look right. I can dress and undress in front of her and she seems accepting. I can only hope it continues. there is no way to know in advance if your wife will be as accepting. The psyche of each person will allow them to do only so much. Just be honest and open and very reassuring. If she wants you to be happy, as mine does, she will want to help you, and if you keep her in the loop and comfortable, you may one day get your wish. It most likely wont come overnight, but as long as you are together the time will be well spent

Babes

[dsmth]

Last halloween I wanted to dress up fully in front of my wife and thought that if I was ever to do it then I should do it on halloween. I suggested that she paint my face and she did. Despite the fact that she'd never seen me in makeup before she seemed to enjoy the process of painting my face (she likes to paint on canvas normally). Partly because she was involved in the process I think it made myself and herself more comfortable when I later changed to be fully dressed. It was one step forward. I think it is important to let your SO be involved but feel in control with regards to the crossdressing.

[sweetjan]

I was scared to tell my wife, but I wanted a true relationship with NO surprises. I was married before and my
first wife did not support my crossdressing. I wanted to be with a woman that loved me FOR WHO I AM, and crossdressing is a part
of me. My wife accepted my crossdressing 100%. She helps me with everything and we do have a great time a females doing ALL types
of things. I also know I am truly lucky to have a wife that accepts me AND my crossdressing.

[Cheryl T]

It took a bit of talking and time for her to become truly accepting. Now we go everywhere together and have a lot of fun shopping and helping each other find flattering clothes and styles.

[ikatrina]

For me it was strangely quite easy. I explained it to her immediately (in the very infancy of our relationship) because it was an important part of me. She has always been extremely accepting and helpful. We've been together almost 20 years now. It's not something you want to keep from your SO.....it will tear you apart if you can't share all of yourself with the person you love.

[SmileS12]

I think it takes a certain lady to be totally down with one of us, and there are many of those fabulous F.A.B.'s that probably enjoy being GGs together. Mine will only go so far. She won't go out with me when I'm looking dolled up wearing heels, but as long as I wear flats, and keep adrogynous, she doesn't complain too much. I'm not normally happy unless I'm dolled up. I really wanted to go out Saturday night last with the STL girls, and she made me so mad I couldn't think straight. I owe an apology to those girls that did go out and have a good time. I wish I would've went with them, but I was not in the right frame of mind. Still yet, nothing keeps me from going out however I want as long as I go with someone other than my spouse. I'm no longer in the closet, and am not embarrassed or scared to do so, but some people, I don't know why, make me feel uneasy, I guess it's just those types that look like they are going to scream..."Hey, Dude Looks like a lady", I dunno. Although my wife will go shopping with me and she will get me things, but not if I'm dolled up. LOL Ironic isn't it.

Toodles,
Trudy Evonne

[ReineD]

z.kasia, you'll need to work on telling her for sure. There was a Sticky thread at the top of this forum section, "How To Tell Your Partner", that is no longer there, but I can provide you with a link:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

Good luck with the telling! :hugs:

But, to take it one step further, you mention fantasies of sharing girly times together, shopping and having mani/pedis. If it turns out that your wife is into this, you will find that after awhile all the girly stuff will become customary. At least this is what happened with my SO and I. She hardly dresses at home with me anymore, since she branched out some years ago and began going everywhere in the mainstream dressed. The business of being "girly" such as putting on makeup or nail polish has become as common place to her as it is to me, when I get ready to go out ... it's really nothing special, but just something we do (like men when they shave). The enjoyment now is in living: going out and interacting with others en femme, having dinner, going to shows, making friends.

What I'm saying is, once your wife accepts your feminine expression, it likely won't be long until you move beyond the need or the desire to just "be girly" with someone. You will want to just "be" and interact with others doing every day things. :)

[Allsteamedup]

Just two questions.
How will you find the time for this girly togetherness?
What, exactly do you have to give to this 'sharing'?

When I am with my girlfriends we discuss families, world events and professional stuff. We don't share shopping, manis and pedis (we're too busy for that, special occassions only) clothes nor makeup chat.... So I am genuinely puzzled as to why you think your wife would want to share clothing, makeup and associated issues with you, her husband.

One of the biggest drawbacks to the clothing issue is that most cders look ridiculous in female attire. OK so we try to be kind, but really, get a mirror...

The time issue involves giving up something else in your family life to do this. And as for the shoppong, you would have to dump your children or have an 'empty nest' to do that seriously (I live an hour from the shops).

This does appear to be a bit of a fantasy. It would not just be the sexual element your wife might perceive in your 'new' inrterest but the fact that your needs trivialise womens' lives. She might feel alternatively about that. And if your family life is so busy she never gets to see girlfriends nor go for a mani or pedi......see where I am coming from?

You need to sit down and have a good think about this.
If you can answer my question about what you bring to the sharing I would be most grateful.

[NicoleScott]

Telling her that you crossdress is a big step. Expecting her to be your girlfriend is a huge leap. My wife knows and accepts, but doesn't participate. If I insisted that we do girly things together, there would certainly be trouble. Happy to do my thing without her.

[Patty F]

I told my wife 2 months after we married, yes very scarry. I started with what would you think if I wanted to ware panties and to my supprise she didn't say no. We started slow and added things as we went along and now 37 years and two kids later I dress when I want. My oldest daughter knows that I dress but not happy about it so I don't dress around her and my youngest daughter and I have exchanged cloths at times. Good luck

[z.kasia]

Thanks Reine, that really gives me a much better perspective.

[Acastina]

One of the biggest drawbacks to the clothing issue is that most cders look ridiculous in female attire. OK so we try to be kind, but really, get a mirror...



A look through the photos posted here should change "most" to "some", to be honest. Many GGs don't look so hot either. Seven billion of us on the planet; takes all kinds.

[CO_Bobbie]

So, reading through this thread I've had to say WOW! Not in a good way. The basic question here is "How do I tell my wife", that really depends on the wife, the attitude, or as Rachel said: What is your wife like? Is she religious? Does she have friends in alternative lifestyles? Has she ever jokingly offered to put makeup or lingerie on you? What are her parents like? All these and more will help you work out whether and how to approach her with this.

What shocked was the undertone that this was an obstacle to be conquered by any means necessary, all I can say is wake up and smell the coffee... What we are doing runs contrary to everything that is considered normal in our civilization, our wives are raised to see men in a certain way and guess what, we don't look like that when we're in a dress and makeup. I love my wife, and I know she loves me and this is still one of the most difficult things we have had to face during our marriage. Having said that, I think that it's important to let your wife in on the secret, because by excluding her you are doing her a disservice and the lies and secrets will eventually be found out. I won't lie, your wife may not want to have anything to do with you, knowing that you dress, on the other hand she may be very supporting, or any of a million permutations in between... Good luck, whatever you choose.

[WandaRae2009]

I used to go clothes shopping with my wife all the time. We really enjoyed shopping together and she valued my opinion. It gave me a great opportunity to check out female clothing. After nearly 25 years together I came out to her. She is still not accepting, I would say tolerant. It took counseling to get to that point. After coming out, my wife would not go shopping with me. That went on for about a year, then slowly we began shopping again. I even went bra shopping with her, so that part is returning to normal. Hopefully we are moving slower to acceptance. Be patient, open honest and truthful. There is nothing that causes more discord in a relationship that deceit and lies. We were even talking about pedicures the other day, and she is open for both of us to go together for a pedicure. Progress, slow but it is progress.

[Abbey Lane]

I just told my wife 3 weeks ago and she will not accept the fact if I dress in front of her. She really doesn't care that I dress all day long just when she comes in at 6pm I better be in mans clothes. Nor does she want to meet or see Abbey which is coll. So there is no lingerie in bed. Prior to me telling her we have bought panties together because I have always wore panties just told her they are more comfortable and she accepted that but no lacey or frilly ones was the only catch. But now I doubt Abbey will ever meet the wife which I am okay with. The day after I told her she did invite me with her for a mani and pedi which I thought was wonderful. At least now I get to get all my clothes out of all my hiding places and I started to put them in garment bags in my closet hidden for protection. I don't think she wants to see them nor do I want any body else peeping in there. But good luck to you. Baby steps and hopefully she'll open up. She asked what I wanted for xmas? I wanted to say a makeup case or a sexy bra but couldn't. So I may pick one up myself. Now that I may have some room for it.