A bit confused...

[GBJoker]

So, just surfing this site because... well... Okay, it's cool to surf this site. Gaining new knowledge on anything is always good, according to me. Anyways... I hit the stickies at the top of this section of the forum, just to make sure not to break rules or nothing in case I need to post here some day (like... today). I came across the link to transexual.org. And on there is a test called... "Cogiati"... Yeah. But let us rewind a bit.

In 2008 for most of the year, and earlier, I swore I was extremely transexual, and was even thinking of how to angle my career and college stuff so that I'd have money to go through therapy, HRT, and maybe even SRS by like... Age 45ish, with a possibility of earlier. Then... I had brain surgery. "Removal of a Bacterial Brain Abscess" is what it was called (PM me for details if you want). Docs couldn't find out what exactly caused it until last May, when a random bubble blood test revealed a mutated vein (Again, PM me), and I had heart surgery back on July 27th.

The brain surgery and now the anti-seizure medicine I take have destroyed virtually all of my memory. Literally, seriously. I got a birthday card in the mail last year from people I didn't know (turned out, it was my mothers parents, who we do not talk to). And because of this, I started very seriously debating the... realistic-ness... Reality of having HRT and SRS. The heart surgery makes this debate even worse. The docs have not directly told me whether or not unnecessary (emphasis added) surgery is a green light or no.

So... Since I had free time tonight and came across this link to transsexual.org, I figured I'd take the test, 'cause, more knowledge, etc.

Test states what I have been recently considering, that I am not in fact 99% female (1% DNA male), but rather, 50/50, dead even. But then again... Internet tests, and all that jazz........

So now I... don't know... what to do... Or why I am making this thread... Basically, I'm going crazy. Joker level crazy. Should I do more research and force more questions upon myself before going into that crazy world called "mixing bad medications"? (Like HRT with anti-seizure, and YES, I do know to chat up the docs before doing so) I'm also just confused and lost and losing it.

Any suggestions? Basically, if I can get an arrow that says "The information you seek is this way, there you must make own decision," ya know? I dunno...

[DanaR]

Only you will know what to do. You should take more time to figure out what you really want or need. Take is slow.

[Melody Moore]

Go talk to a therapist because from what I am reading you are over analysing
everything, including yourself and that is only complicating your issues even more.

And if being diagnosed transsexual was as simple as the Cogiati test then therapist would be out of a
job. Sorry to tell you this, but I think its time you took a bit of a reality check before going any further.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The cogiati test is an abomination.. it hurts people. you like baths? oh you must be a woman...etc... forget that..

melody is right, you are over analyzing...

being ts is hard...part of being ts is OFTEN that you get confused and troubled by your nature...it's an inherent part of the gender role you learned and your own sense of self being a different gender..it causes all kinds of F*#$#'d up thinking..

so dig deep, you know the answer..and then act upon the answer...when i say act, all i mean is explore the alternatives you have...if you are not suffering, then transition may be extreme (or it may protect you from future suffering...another example of how confusing and hard this is...)... outside of the obvious (therapy)..find as many ways as you can to express your internal gender...the answer may become apparent to you over time...the key is that what you do about this has a major impact on your quality of life, and it underscores just how stupid it is to look at internet questionnaires...

[Aprilrain]

what Kaitlyn says is true however how many of us were strong enough to resist the COGATI!!!!
If an on-line test gets you into therapy then great otherwise forget about the results. One cannot determine something as complex as transsexualism from a 25 question survey!

[Julia_in_Pa]

Please see a therapist at this time.

He or she will be able to point you in the correct direction.
Be open and honest because the therapist can only help you with the information you provide to them.


Julia

[Melody Moore]

One cannot determine something as complex as transsexualism from a 25 question survey!
Especially since you can cheat the cogiati test and lie in your answers to get a more favourable result.

A psychologist will examine everything going right back into your childhood to make this type of determination,
And there is always something there that indicates you had problems relating to gender identity. Even if you
were not crossdressing, there will always be other issues such as having social difficulties related to having
a repressed personality. So I would be interested to hear the Joker's story in a lot more detail.

[GBJoker]

The cogiati test is an abomination.. it hurts people. you like baths? oh you must be a woman...etc... forget that..

Yeah... I first noticed that with the math questions. I mean, technically yes, males on average are ever so slightly better than females at math, but the combination of mathematics being a more personal thingy (in that, individuals are better at math than groups) and other outside factors (such as my being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome) means that the question becomes quickly irrelevant. In fact many non-TG/TS factors played bigger roles in virtually all of my answers to the test than the TG/TS factors themselves. Now, is that regular analysing, or over-analysing?

As for going to a therapist, my mom has finally agreed to call the one my teacher recommended for me, after this week, so finals are over. But the problem is that I'm hesitant to talk about subjects like this very much. As I have stated some where else on this forum, for some reason, my mind works slightly different than most people's here, and TG/TS stuff gets tied into general sexuality stuffs. I'm not saying my orientation is different when dressed or not (it isn't, for the most part), just that I guess I sort of tie into whether or not I'll ever have sex in my life, and how, and etc. Plus, ya know, being in a small room with only one person there, getting to hear all your dirty little secrets (Not that I, your dear ol' loving uncle Joker would ever have any), and talking about these topics, is uncomfortable.

Basically, yes, this site is thus far forcing me to organize things in my head better, in order to explain to all the peoples here exactly what I'm thinking or feeling. And yes, I should be seeing a therapist by X-mas or New Years. But... I'm impatient. I've always figured things out about myself pretty quickly these past three years, and so to suddenly be hit with a brick wall is frustrating.

[Inna]

Nearly every human being after a while is conditioned and pressured to keep secrets and feel uncomfortable with the deepest thoughts. But getting together with therapist should not be looked upon as talking to your best girlfriend or an acquaintance but rather speaking with your self!!!!

Therapy and the therapist are an integral part of your own trip into subconscious, bringing out the underlying conditions and truths about your self. But therapist them selves are not magicians nor fortune tellers but simply an educated helpful hand to hold your hand tight and let you explore your own world. During therapy, you your self are in control but for this relationship to work, just like any other relationship matter of fact, you MUST be honest, first with your self and then same goes for the therapist.

I know how much it is hard to bring out all that cooped up stuff into the open, but that open isn't going anywhere beyond you and therapist, there is a secrecy factor build in to protect against opinions and gossip.

So don't be afraid of opening up, otherwise it is like inviting someone very special home without telling her directions at all..................she will never get to see YOU!
don't make that mistake!

[Jorja]

As for going to a therapist, my mom has finally agreed to call the one my teacher recommended for me, after this week, so finals are over. But the problem is that I'm hesitant to talk about subjects like this very much. As I have stated some where else on this forum, for some reason, my mind works slightly different than most people's here, and TG/TS stuff gets tied into general sexuality stuffs. I'm not saying my orientation is different when dressed or not (it isn't, for the most part), just that I guess I sort of tie into whether or not I'll ever have sex in my life, and how, and etc. Plus, ya know, being in a small room with only one person there, getting to hear all your dirty little secrets (Not that I, your dear ol' loving uncle Joker would ever have any), and talking about these topics, is uncomfortable.

And yes, I should be seeing a therapist by X-mas or New Years. But... I'm impatient. I've always figured things out about myself pretty quickly these past three years, and so to suddenly be hit with a brick wall is frustrating.

As several have told you already the COGATI test and others like it are a waste of time. You say talking about your TG/TS feelings or even sex in general makes you uncomfortable. Would you rather be a little uncomfortable or actually learn where you stand concerning your TG/TS status? Self exploration and discovery are great. However, there are some things that you and you alone cannot discover. Sometimes it takes the help of a well trained, competent professional to get that information out of you. Also, if this is the only brick wall you run into in life, consider yourself lucky.

[GBJoker]

Would you rather be a little uncomfortable or actually learn where you stand concerning your TG/TS status?

It's not a little uncomfortable for me. I cannot talk about it. At all. I've gotten into physical fist fights because people were talking about their sex lives. I honestly do not feel safe any where dressed up.

I'm not saying that I get fidgety when some one talks about sex or TG issues/topics. I'm saying that I walk out of the room instantly, or else I end up throwing stuff at the person.


Also, if this is the only brick wall you run into in life, consider yourself lucky.

After all the other things I've said throughout this forum, I'm not even going to bother to respond to this.

And also, this entire post is quickly becoming proof of what I'm trying to say in response to the first quote.