War and Peace

[Foxglove]

Hello, All!

I don’t know if writing this is a good idea. I’m not sure I have anything to say that hasn’t already been said umpteen times on this forum. But you know how it is: sometimes you just want to talk. So I thought that today might be a good day to talk, and if everyone finds this old hat, maybe you’ll forgive me.

Having looked over this forum a bit, it’s clear to me that my story is like a lot of other people’s. I started out pretty young with my mom’s and sister’s stuff when I was alone in the house. Came desperately close to getting caught one time, and it’s hard to say how disastrous that would have been, because I grew up in a very strict, conservative, religious home. They rained fire and brimstone on me for a lot less than that, so no telling what would have happened for this offence.

My upbringing instilled in me a keen sense of wrong-doing and sinfulness, and there’s not much that’s more wrong and sinful than this. It’s in the Bible. Guilt and shame are very bad things, gnawing at you all the time the way they do, especially when they’re in conflict with such sweet and strong desire. Denying what you are because it’s not what you’re supposed to be—it becomes so tiring in the long run.

When I was young, I knew a guy who was a cross-dresser and who committed suicide. I didn’t find out that he dressed until he was dead. I learned then that I wasn’t the only one who was seriously conflicted. What consoled me a bit at the time was that no one condemned him. It was just part of what he was, and he was a popular guy. We were working in a restaurant. Part of his job was running cooked food up a ladder from the kitchen on the ground floor to the dining area above. After he died, the ladder was named after him. It may not sound like much to those who weren’t around the place at the time, but I thought that was a nice touch, a nice way to ensure that he’d be remembered there.

I remember another incident from my young days: I was working in a bookshop when two guys came in dressed. They were easy to read, but they actually looked pretty good. What struck me about them was how contented and at peace with themselves they were. I envied them. I wished I could be at peace like that.

As far as my own dressing goes, in my adult life I’ve gone through patches. Depending on circumstances, I might dress a lot or not at all. It strikes me as a bit ironic, but my most active period was the early part of my marriage. (But since it was a mercifully short marriage, maybe all of it should be called “the early part”.) I don’t remember exactly how it came about, but the wife and I agreed one day to swap clothes. She had no idea how attractive I found the idea.

That got me started again after a dry spell, and I quickly had a collection of stuff, underwear, skirts and dresses. The wife was a bit odd about it: she’d complain from time to time, but then she’d go out and buy me stuff. And then she’d also borrow my dresses from time to time, because, quite frankly, mine were nicer than hers.

But I put a halt to it when our son was born. It just didn’t seem right to me to raise a child that way. I had enough conflicts of my own, and I thought I might be passing them onto him. This may have been a wise decision, because it turned out that I raised him on my own after the wife and I split up. I’m not sure what a social worker would have thought about the situation if the truth had come out.

But it was always hard on me. Cross-dressing is something I can live without—but it’s hard, and it makes me bitter and resentful. So recently I bought some stuff, some bras and panties, and I’m back into it a bit now. And it’s hard for me to explain how peaceful, how restful it is. You know the feeling yourselves. It feels like I’ve finally come back home after a long, lonely absence. And I don’t ever want to be away again. I never again want to go through a time without the clothes that I love so much.

So for the time being, I’m doing nothing but under-dressing, and I’m happy enough with that. Someone on this forum said that under-dressing is underwhelming, and I’d agree with that, but it’s far better than nothing at all. Circumstances don’t permit any more than that. Dresses are absolutely out of the question in my present situation. No need to go into the details. But it’s possible that before long the situation will change, and then no doubt my wardrobe will change as well.

I’ve never been terribly ambitious. I’ve never seriously considered the idea of doing myself up properly and going out on the town. I’ve always been content to dress as I like in the privacy of my own home. But I’ve been out under-dressed for a walk down by the canal a couple of times lately. Perhaps some people wouldn’t consider that very brave, but it’s something I’d never done before, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Once I ended up going into a grocery shop to buy a couple of things and was served by an absolutely gorgeous young girl. I was laughing as I left, wondering what she would have said if she knew. “What kind of guy are you?” “That kind, darlin’, that kind.”

Two questions I’ve always had: one, if cross-dressing were more accepted generally than it is, would I have agonized over it for so long? I don’t think so. I think I might have just accepted it myself. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, that people who haven’t got their own lives in order have so much power to tell us how to order ours at the cost of so much unhappiness to us?

So second question: if I had been able to accept what I am a long time ago, in what ways would my life have been different? It’s very hard to say. Would I have been happier? Almost certainly. But it’s hard to see exactly what sort of path I would have taken in life.

I’m very happy to have found this forum. What I’ve read here has helped me a lot. Talking to people like this, even anonymously on a forum, isn’t something I thought I’d ever do. But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to deny that this is what I am. What with just having seen another birthday (of which I’ve had far too many for my own liking), I thought I’d join the forum and perhaps try to give myself the gift of self-acceptance (along with a nice bottle of Scotch). I’ve been at war with myself over this issue for too many years. Maybe it’s time to declare peace.

Wishing everyone all the best, “Annabelle”.

[Jeanna]

Hi Annabelle,
I can't answer those questions for for myself either. I think that if crosssdressing was more accepted it probably wouldn't have been in my circle of life either and the for the truth to be told, I should have accepted myself along time ago. The latter is something I haven't totally accomplished yet.
Thank you for the the story and most of all thank yourself or the start of self acceptance.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Jeanna. Yeah, there are many, many unanswered questions about what might have been. One of my biggest unanswered questions:

In my early 20's I met a girl and was mad about her. She's the one I should have married, if I was going to marry. But because of some really bad miscommunication, we split up instead of staying together. I was so incredibly stupid when I was young.

But I know that she was seriously conflicted, just as I was. She'd taken some abuse as a child. I didn't know what all was going in on her mind, but I know that she envied guys. I'm quite certain she wanted to dress as a guy and perhaps be a guy.

At any rate, one evening she suggested (in a joking tone) that we should swap clothes, but I knew she was serious about the idea. But I didn't take her up on it, because I was really in love with her and wasn't ready to show her my girly side.

I've always wondered what would have happened if we had communicated better and stayed together, perhaps even marrying. We might have become a really odd couple, her in male get-up and me in my dresses all the time. And I've wondered if that would have been good for us. Maybe it would have been something unhealthy, because we were both very young at the time and perhaps we wouldn't have known how to deal with the situation. Or perhaps we'd have learned as we went along, learned how to create a lifestyle that would have been very happy for both of us.

It's things like this you look back on with some regret, because you don't know: it would have changed your life, perhaps for the better because it would have allowed you to find out who you were and how to be you. In any case, I've always regretted having split up with her, and I've wondered if her life has been any happier than mine. I strongly suspect that it hasn't been, because she truly had some deep unhappiness in her.

[erickka]

Welcome Annabelle. I can relate to you very well, but like Jeanna said, I can't answer either question myself. I'm glad you found us, and I'm certain that being here will bring about a much deeper meaning to who you really are. I have been here about 4 years, and have learned that self acceptance is the root of a happy existence being a crossdresser. No questions are viewed as "stupid" ones, so ask away. This forum is just one big happy family made up of GG's, and GM's from all walks of life and from around the world. As I said, welcome and enjoy your stay!

[Donniesr]

the only stupid question is the one not asked..
anyone here will help you any way they can..welcome

[Shari]

A nice drink of scotch and a silky pair of panties.
Can I join you?
Welcome and I hope you find the peace you seek. (the panties will probably do you more good than the scotch)

[LeaP]

Welcome. There's a lot of diversity here and I think you'll fit right in. Just one thing - your statement about being able to live without dressing at the expense of being bitter and resentful is a statement that you can't live without it. People differ, of course, but generally this problem gets worse with time, not better.

I'm not sure how to answer the question about acceptance. It could be that we're in it for a certain amount of conflict, even were dressing accepted. At some point the external expectations become our own, we have to accept responsibility for them and stop blaming our parents (or whoever and whatever). Most of the world occupies the male-female poles, that's not going to change, and expectations start there.

Lea

[Foxglove]

Thanks to all of you for your replies and for your welcome. It's really what I needed right now.

Of course, a lot of the questions I have right now are purely rhetorical. "What if, what if. . .?" You can never answer questions like that, and I don't think there's any point in dwelling on them. I try not to do that. I think a better question is, "What now?"

I have to say, though, that reading over so much of this forum has given me lots of regrets. People who are a lot younger than I actively engaged in exploring themselves and their possibilities--if I had done that a long time ago, maybe I'd have been able to overcome the shame I felt and found some self-acceptance and happiness. But perhaps it's never too late to start doing that.


A nice drink of scotch and a silky pair of panties.
(the panties will probably do you more good than the scotch)

It's true that panties have never left me hungover. Though perhaps I've been hung-up on them.


Welcome. There's a lot of diversity here and I think you'll fit right in. Just one thing - your statement about being able to live without dressing at the expense of being bitter and resentful is a statement that you can't live without it. People differ, of course, but generally this problem gets worse with time, not better.

I'm not sure how to answer the question about acceptance. It could be that we're in it for a certain amount of conflict, even were dressing accepted. At some point the external expectations become our own, we have to accept responsibility for them and stop blaming our parents (or whoever and whatever). Most of the world occupies the male-female poles, that's not going to change, and expectations start there.

Lea

And, Lea, thanks for this. Very good observations here. It's true I can't live without it--not without great cost. Looking back on it, I think that giving up dressing when my son was born was the right choice. But it came with a very big price tag on it. But that's the way it is: if you're going to have children, there's always going to be a price tag. You have to decide whether it's worth it to you. I've never regretted what I had to pay in order to have my son with me: it was just the two of us for a lot of years, and we were always very close. Still are, and we have a very good relationship. He doesn't know about my dressing, and that's something of a bother for me. You don't like having secrets from those you love.

I think you're right in saying that CD-ing becomes a greater concern with time. It's been that way with me. When I was younger, to a certain extent I could take it or leave it, but that's certainly not the case now.

And also true, that external expectations become our own. Whatever the cause of my love for CD-ing, it doesn't do any good to blame anyone else, if in fact there is any blame attaching to anyone. It's my concern, and it's up to me to decide how to deal with it.

But I do know now that I love it too much to want to give it up. The question for me at this point is how to go about it so that I can maximize my happiness and reduce the hassles it might cause me.

[Allisa]

Please do not obsess on what could have been or even the past for that matter,always look ahead ,the shame will go when you truly come to grips that you are who you are.Your happiness is the important thing,life is to short to dwell on negative things ,find your niche with your CDing and enjoy.Best of luck on your journey Bye-Bye.

[Foxglove]

Please do not obsess on what could have been or even the past for that matter,always look ahead ,the shame will go when you truly come to grips that you are who you are.Your happiness is the important thing,life is to short to dwell on negative things ,find your niche with your CDing and enjoy.Best of luck on your journey Bye-Bye.

Thanks, Allisa. This is a very nice post. I'm delighted to have found this forum. It's been such a help and comfort to me.

And you're right. There's no point in looking back with regrets. It's more a question of looking ahead, and that's what I've started doing. I wonder where my niche is. Perhaps I'll find it.

Best wishes, Annabelle.

[josee]

Annabelle, please try to not dwell on the past ie"what could have been". And when you figure out how to do that let me know please.
I wanted to respond to your good Christian upbringing. It is a very good thing to have a strong sense of right and wrong. It is not good to use it to beat yourself up over something as minor as crossdressing. I have read the bible extensively and studied it's meaning with the best of them. One of the most overlooked sections is Romans 23:3 "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". You are no worse than anyone else in this world. Some people will take one or two verses out of context and use it like a whip to try and control others to fit their own version of morality. The bible says a lot of things are wrong crossdressing is nothing. There are more verses that condemned being a gossip.
Glad you are here. Take a load off and stay a while.

[sarahcsc]

Hi there Annabelle,

I'm new to this forum too and I've joined for maybe over a week or so but I can say it has put me at peace much more than I can ever remember. Even my girlfriend notices that I'm a lot happier for some reason, although I do fear the day I let out my secret. I think you'll find that reading other people's stories often takes away our loneliness and that can be very soothing and empowering. Just last night, I dressed up and walked out on the streets and walked pass a couple guys who couldn't take their eyes off me. I wonder if they spotted something was wrong... but I had the courage to walk pass them and not care. I believe I had this forum to thank.


one, if cross-dressing were more accepted generally than it is, would I have agonized over it for so long? I don’t think so. I think I might have just accepted it myself. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, that people who haven’t got their own lives in order have so much power to tell us how to order ours at the cost of so much unhappiness to us?
That is a really good question Annabelle. But after speaking and listening to the girls here, I came to realize that although society gives us pressure to conform, it is ourselves that we answer to ultimately. The stories are generally quite similar: A CD was stressed living in the closet, comes out, loses a little, but gains much more. If you don't want to agonize about it, then don't. :) Society isn't the enemy, we are. It is our fear of change that stops us from taking the plunge. I'm not saying that we can all flick a switch and start behaving like GGs, I'm saying that it takes time, courage and effort. And a lot of us chicken out from time to time and that's okay because if I know anything about CD, is that it controls you, you don't control CD. You will lose if you fight it, might as well play along with it. :) And you are not alone too...


So second question: if I had been able to accept what I am a long time ago, in what ways would my life have been different? It’s very hard to say. Would I have been happier? Almost certainly. But it’s hard to see exactly what sort of path I would have taken in life.
I think generally speaking, anybody who accepts themselves for who they are, are happy people. ie. A CD who accepts their need for crossdressing, a father who accepts that he now has a son and could no longer spend night after night drinking at a pub, a prince who accepts that he will eventually inherit the responsibility of the throne which includes looking after the wellbeing of his subjects, etc etc. Being a CD is just like any other role we play in society. I bet even a thief could be at peace if they accept that stealing is what they must do in order to feed themselves and their families. Sure we hate them for stealing, but have you spoken to a desperate thief? :) And when a person is happy, who knows what they can accomplish? At least I know my girlfriend is happier when I'm happy. I can probably say the same for the patients I treat as well.

Acceptance however is the tricky bit. I don't think you can force yourself to accept things. As somebody once told me, that acceptance is a gift of God, and that it comes when the time is right. Some people take years before accepting certain truth. My mother for example still couldn't accept the fact that her sons are all grown up!! >_<

But we'll help each other through times of "unacceptance". I guess thats why I joined this forum, because I needed some help. I am accepting myself more now... I'm sure you will to. Cheers Annabelle. Nice to meet you. :)

[Foxglove]

Annabelle, please try to not dwell on the past ie"what could have been". And when you figure out how to do that let me know please.
I wanted to respond to your good Christian upbringing. It is a very good thing to have a strong sense of right and wrong. It is not good to use it to beat yourself up over something as minor as crossdressing. I have read the bible extensively and studied it's meaning with the best of them. One of the most overlooked sections is Romans 23:3 "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". You are no worse than anyone else in this world. Some people will take one or two verses out of context and use it like a whip to try and control others to fit their own version of morality. The bible says a lot of things are wrong crossdressing is nothing. There are more verses that condemned being a gossip.
Glad you are here. Take a load off and stay a while.

Thanks for your nice reply and welcome, josee. Yes, I do have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and I don't regret that at all. I'm glad I do. The difficulty is deciding what is right and what is wrong. And the particular problem I've always had is that I grew up in circles where I knew I was very wrong. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and one of them is this: what effects did my knowing that I was very wrong have on me? I've always been a loner. My own mother commented on the fact when I was only about 15-16. Perhaps that was due to the fact that I knew I was wrong. Perhaps a lot of things are due to that fact. But lately I've decided to start telling myself I'm not wrong. I just am. And maybe I'm alright after all.

I long ago got to the point where I hated religion. That's because in my circles, our religion, Christianity, supposedly a religion of love devoted to a god of love, was used only to condemn, condemn, condemn. For an omnipotent god, he seemed to get bent out of shape pretty easily. And his beloved son who loved the world so much he gave his life for it, a man who consorted with and forgave prostitutes, usurers and all sorts of sinners--why doesn't anyone follow his example and learn to forgive and accept, rather than condemn, condemn, condemn? I'm sure there must be Christians who know how to forgive and accept. It's just that I never met many. As with you, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God" has always been one of my favorite verses, but it's one that a lot of people don't really take to heart. Many people seem to think they're an exception to the rule.

But yes, I'll try not to dwell on the past--and when I figure out how to do that, you'll be the first to know. I'm very good at making rules that I don't have to obey myself. E.g., "don't brood on things"--when nobody broods more than I do.




Acceptance however is the tricky bit. I don't think you can force yourself to accept things. As somebody once told me, that acceptance is a gift of God, and that it comes when the time is right. Some people take years before accepting certain truth. My mother for example still couldn't accept the fact that her sons are all grown up!!


And thanks to you, Sarah, and nice to meet you, too. You've said a lot of good things in your post, like this bit about acceptance. I agree that you can't force yourself to accept things. If you're trying to force yourself, it seems obvious to me you're not doing it. Like you, I think you just have to let it come. And I believe I've arrived at the frame of mind these days where I can let it come. I think it is coming bit by bit. At any rate, I'm tired of condemning and blaming myself. Enough of that. It never gets you anywhere.

Best wishes to both of you, Annabelle.

[Jonianne]

Hi Annabelle, it sounds like our past is very similar. Similar times, similar upbringing, similar war with myself. I found peace around 15 years ago, during my group therapy, when it finally dawned on me that no one was making me feel bad about myself, I was the one who was making me feel bad and no one else. When that dawned on me, the depression left and never returned. One thing I heard that changed my life was this saying from Dr Joy Browne about self acceptance : http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?84515-Truly-accepting-yourself&highlight=
I memorized it and said it over and over.

Knowing that you can keep boundries, even ones you set for yourself as you have, is a reflection of inner strength. Being a crossdresser is just a part of who you are and it doesn't mean you have to surrender everything to it. You can find the balance that works for you. For me, it is a lot easier than always fighting yourself and going through the purging cycle time and time again.

It's good you are here, so let yourself learn from others and keep sharing your own experiences and growth as a person. We learn so much from each other.

[Mollyanne]

I can relate to almost everything you have said. For me, the key to "my acceptance of myself" was the fact that this is how I was born, grew up and live. I too agonized over how "odd" I was and "how am I going to deal with this". I suppressed my inner most feelings and desires to the point of personal isolation. The one thing that changed my thinking was when I finally decided to seek out a therapist and "discover" myself. After a year or two of therapy I finally "came out" to my therapist (a woman) and told her of my penchant for crossdressing and how I felt when I did it. When I finally accepted who I am and actually told someone my entire outlook changed, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. My wife knows of my desires to dress as a woman and accepts it for what it is but is not happy about it. I don't "throw it in her face" but dress whenever I can, mostly I underdress because it is easier to do. I guess what I am saying is that when you accept who and what you are there is peace.

Molly

[Foxglove]

Thanks, Jonianne and Mollyanne. I think it's true that nobody makes me feel so bad about myself as I do. One thing that's odd about me is that generally speaking (there are some exceptions) when somebody's nasty to me, I can forget about that pretty quickly. But I'm forever beating myself up about things I've done myself. I can recall things that I did many, many years ago, and I still feel bad about them. If I can forgive others, why not myself? And in this particular case, why can't I forgive myself for something that's not even my fault? I don't need forgiveness because I haven't done anything wrong. It just is. I just am. So accept it. And if someone wants to try and make me feel bad about that, it doesn't mean I have to as well.

And I know all about suppressing innermost feelings and desires to the point of personal isolation. It really grinds you down to do that. Feel them, experience them, they are you. Whatever anyone else thinks about them, they are you. These are the sorts of things I've been telling myself lately, and it's nice to have others confirm that I'm moving in the right direction.

Best wishes, Annabelle.