Coming out

[StephanieT]

I have posted here recently that my wife and I are having some problems after I told her I was a crossdresser. My wife has basically booted me out of the house, refuses to accept the crossdressing and has told me dressing is a sexual addiction, adbomination to God and a psychotic behaviour. I am supposed to get therapy and fix myself or the marriage is over. My wife has also chosen to start telling some people that I am a crossdresser. At this point I had no choice to come out to my family before they heard it through the grapevine. I was absolutely amazed at how accepting my family was. They all told me they still love me and will love me no matter what. My family is a true gift and unlike my wife who has tossed me aside like a broken object and does not want me back till I am fixed.

[Brynn_A]

Stephanie, while I know that your wifes reaction may hurt, the reaction of your family is a gift that you must cherish. I'm sure that the next bit may be hard for you as you adjust an know that I and I believe everyone here will help where we can. Thankfully, you have the single best support in the world, that of your family.
hugs,
Brynn

[TGMarla]

Geez, how long were you married? Mine had similar reactions when she first found out, but fortunately, we had enough of a foundation for us to work through it. She finally realized that it didn't make me some horrible person, and that the good qualities she found in me when we married were still there. All in all, it's not as big a deal as she first made it out to be. She still doesn't like it and we do not discuss it much. But we still have the love and commitment that keep our marriage strong. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. Kinda sucks, really.

[Marleena]

I wonder what her reaction would be if she ever had a TS/TG child? Her thinking is pathetic, and just plain wrong! It actually sounds evil.

I'm so sorry for you. Your family sounds awesome though, thank God you have them!

[StephanieT]

We have been married 21 years and known each other 26.

[CINDYO]

can't believe this reaction is just from a straight forward case of crossdressing. Seems hard to believe that if the marriage was good before the revelation it could possibly be at this point just because of it. Hope she will eventually try to understand if that is what you both want. Old saying, set it free, if it comes back i really was yours.. if not than it realy wasn't.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Stephanie,

I hope that you realize that you cannot fix what isn't broken.

Being a CD'er doesn't mean that you are in need of fixing or changing. Obviously your wife is of the school that sees only her side of the story and doesn't make allowances for those who belong to a different school or see things differently. You are truly lucky to have a family who loves you and accepts you no matter what.

My SO is much like your wife in her attitude to my needing to present as a female. After many years of marriage we are reaching the point where we will soon be going our separate ways. While this step is unfortunate, it will allow me to live the life that I have chosen and live full time as Nicole. I sincerely hope that the difficult time you are living through right now leads you to a happy ending and that you are able to enjoy your life and live it as you want to.

[Foxglove]

Best of luck, Stephanie! What your wife is saying is the sort of stuff I heard in my house when I was a kid. Attitudes like that are hard, if not impossible, to deal with. Believe me, I understand you on this one.

[stacycoral]

You wish you well Stephanie, it is hard to think about having a marriage break up after 21 years, that is were my SO and i am at, she knew right after i asked her to marry and so she has live with me during slow and faster time while i dress, she some times set limits, but does understand it is part of me, and take is all there is. We have four children and the big thing for her is that i don't do in front of the kids, but it is fine on halloween in front of kids. I this time of season would be very hard to be out of your home, I pray that you can get her to understand, I know people in their 50, and 60 that no matter what it is just wrong in their eyes, so glad your family is there for you, i know my parents would have a major trouble if they knew. Girl may you have some peace during these winter months.

[kimdl93]

Well, if your wife wanted to save the marriage, she's chosen an awfully destructive path. Now, the question is really whether you want to go back into a situation that, frankly, could be characterized as abusive.

Regardless of the perjorative terms, its pretty clear that what we do is a sexual addiction, an abomination, or psychotic. Its just one manifestation of human behavior. If she feels otherwise, then both of you are better off apart. And don't bother thanking her for the classy, constructive manner in which she handled the situation.

[suzy1]

There is nothing like a good family to fall back on in times of trouble Stephanie. You are truly gifted there.

I can only go by what you have told us about your wife but she just does not deserve you. She said you were an Abomination of God! She is the one that needs help not you!
She booted you out of the house? So whose house is it?

SUZY

[Jamiecd4]

Stephanie

My wife caught me years ago in a teddy, she said it made her sick... having been in the closet since, about a year ago I sat down and openly talked to her about it. She told me pretty much the same thing, that it's not normal, and that I'm gay, she has not put her foot down about getting out of the house, but after 26 years being married, this was a big blow to her, even though I was caught about 6 months into the marriage, we never spoke about it after that night. I dress almost every day she is at work and then hid the evidence as she has stated that she does not want to see me dressed, no nail polish, makeup etc.

I'm sure you'll work it out.

Jamie

[Rachel Mari]

I'm so happy for you for the response you received from your family. That has to be a huge weight off your shoulders. I have considered telling my brothers and sisters, but I don't really want to. Maybe someday when I have a better idea of where I'm at. I'm sorry your wife sounds so narrow minded, it seems like that type of thinking closes off so much of the world to themselves.

My wife and I were having problems and my desire, or should I say need, to CD, was the straw that broke the camels back. We are now semi-seperated in that we take turns between staying in the house with the kids and an apartment we subletted for two months. She said I would have time alone to explore where it may all lead and she would have time to explore, and find out, what she needs.
She'll be leaving town for two and half months in Febuary and then I'll be out of town half of April and all of May (both of our work schedules).

After that, I don't know what's going to happen. She says she wants a man and won't have anything to do with me or dressing, while we're married, but still loves but would rather we be really good friends. Doesn't sound too promising for the marriage does it.

[ArleneRaquel]

Stephanie,
I'm sorry to hear that your wife is so unbending. My thoughts & prayers will be with you., and her. I hope that you two can get back together.

[sterling12]

Can't remember, are you the one whose wife is really into her catholicism? If you where; I think most of us warned you that it was going to end about like this. Your not sick! Your not an Abomination! Your not Psychotic! As any halfway intelligent shrink can tell you, "The Problems" lie with Society, (your wife being part of that society) and Society's Inability to accept, tolerate/cope with a member whom might be "different" from their rigid Norms.

At this point, I think your time would be better spent in trying to explore your new life. The sooner you find acceptance of self, the sooner you "begin your journey" to find out what and whom Stephanie really is? Then, the sooner you will start to feel better about yourself! Life is like chapters in a book, the chapters change and we move on to the next page. The Healing Process can't really begin until you give It permission to start.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[jillleanne]

Happy to hear your family can handle/understand you. It just gets better with time. Best to just forgive your x and move on. It makes you a better person.

[Stacey Summer]

I'm glad to hear that your family has been so accepting, mine has as well and it's an amazing feeling. As for your wife, well you're better off without her. My SO told me it wasn't normal and I called her a narrow minded bigot. If she had said what your wife did I would've exploded with a tirade of alarming length. It may simply be the shock of finding out after 26 years but for me it's too extreme a reaction for it to be that. As for her going round telling everybody, that says to me that she's fundamentally and vicious and vindictive person and someone you're well shot of.

I may sound harsh but at the end of the day you've got to look out for number one.

Good luck.

Stacey.
x

[KimberlyJane]

So sorry Sweetie!
My marriage ended as well, but on much better terms. Some simply can't get past the cultural pressure for the binary in gender expression. I would say love , if true, would not make such demands, and you are better off moving on without such demands holding your love hostage. We are rare and special humans, and deserve better than what you describe.

So glad that you came out, and your family supports you! I have had mixed results with family, but still know I am better off being myself, rather than living some lie. My best to you! Big hugs,and much love gurl!
Kimberly

[Barbara Ella]

Use the joy of your family's support to keep you afloat, it is a wonderful thing to be blessed with. Make it your rock. About all you can do with your wife is to continue to show her you are a good person. Dont late hate take over your thoughts, which i know is easier said than done, but you need to maintain the high road. She has the problem, it is not the other way around. We are all here for you to be your sounding board. Dont keep it inside.

Babes

[suchacutie]

And how is it she has the authority to "boot you out of the house"? If your name is on the deed it's as much your house as anyone else who has their name on the deed.

Maybe it's time to step up to the plate, as it were!

Tina

[SweetPea_GG]

Its a hard place to be in. Im not going to take sides here cause I only have one point of view. But after 21yrs of marriage it has to hurt some to find this out. I know after 15yrs of marriage for myself it hurt me big time and still hurts to this very day. Each person is different and will react differently. Probably to her, her whole world had turned upside down. Shes probably very much hurt and scared, angry etc.. and she has every right to feel thoes feelings. This is what happens when you dont tell someone you love and want to marry that you have this little secret. After being through it myself its hard to feel any emotion when someone talks about their wife/SO having a hard time accepting since they just found out... karma I guess...

[DanaR]

We have been married 21 years and known each other 26.
Stephanie, I think that you should try going to therapy, but take your wife with you. Actually don't go, unless she goes with you. Find one that knows something about TG issues. Don't just go to anyone.

[Meg East]

And how is it she has the authority to "boot you out of the house"? If your name is on the deed it's as much your house as anyone else who has their name on the deed.

Maybe it's time to step up to the plate, as it were!

Tina

Agree, she lacks standing to kick you out. She doesn't get to dictate the terms. The person aberrant in your relationship is her.

[StephanieT]

Have not been able to be on for a while. First we have 2 homes. One in WA and one in CO. She wants me to go to the WA house which is fine with me. We have been to counseling and the therapist has told her that crossdressing is not a psychotic behaviour. I know my wife has read many things including some stuff from Tri-Ess but refuses to believe it. I am also doing some counseling on my own at my wifes insistance that I see a transgender therapist. Now my wife regrets telling me to see this therapist since my wife believes the therapist will support my dressing. I just keep trying to get through this one day at a time.

[JenniferR771]

All the best to you Stephanie. You are probably on the right track.I hope the therapist is some help to your situation. My wife had many of the same ideas. Her therapist said I had a sexual addiction ( conservative viewpoint). However she is more OK with the idea now, years later. Tiny baby steps. Every week when she goes to church on Saturday night, she knows and expects me to dress up and take a few photos. She doesn't mind if I go to support group in Grand Rapids, if she doesn't have to see me.

Take a look at my new avatar, everyone.

[DonniDarkness]

Stephanie,

I hope that these issues between the two of you can be settled, but it does sound like your going in the right direction.
I dont agree with her kicking you out, that shows her unwillingness to support you thru "for better or worse". And her telling others about the private problems the two of you are having is really upsetting.
Though i am happy to hear that you have a support circle among your own family, use it.

But Keep up the Communication, any is better than none. The two of you need to start dialouge about "why, she thinks your broken" while your seeing the therapist.(be that a gender therapist or not)
You need to help her understand "why you have hidden this from everyone for so long". The two of you need to find common ground in understanding each others motives.

Best wishes,
-Donni-

[Barbra P]

. . . We have been to counseling and the therapist has told her that crossdressing is not a psychotic behaviour. I know my wife has read many things including some stuff from Tri-Ess but refuses to believe it. I am also doing some counseling on my own at my wifes insistance that I see a transgender therapist. Now my wife regrets telling me to see this therapist since my wife believes the therapist will support my dressing. I just keep trying to get through this one day at a time.
My Dad, when he was alive, was fond of saying "Ignorance is not a sin, refusing to learn is."

My Wife is not what you would call thrilled with my cross dressing but she does tolerate my dressing fully about one day a week; she does not like like me to go out and prefers that I keep my dressing at home. I mentioned to my Physician that I had a gender issue and she referred me to a Counselor in her module. After a two hour session with the Counselor she referred me to the Psychiatric Department where I have been seeing a Therapist. Both the Counselor and the Therapist told me there is no "cure', no "fix" for cross dressing. In fact the Therapist told me at the beginning of our first session that is I was there looking for a cure I might just as well get up and leave. My Therapist has encouraged me to dress more frequently than once a week and recently had me start coming to the sessions en femme; she said I needed to become more comfortable around others as my feminine persona, plus she wanted to see the difference between my male and female persona. She now thinks I should start some form of HRT, maybe a low-dose regimen and wants me to see an Endocrinologist.

I think you should continue seeing your Therapist but I also think your Wife is probably a lost cause - I doubt if she will ever abandon her feelings that your cross dressing is an abomination and living with such a person who feels that way about you can not be healthy for you and can only lead to depression. I'm sure your Therapist would agree and even if your Therapist hasn't brought up the subject of suicide I'm sure it is one of his/her considerations since the suicide rate among the transgender community is much higher than in the general population. I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you and it happens in the short term rather than the long term.

[Piora]

I wonder what her reaction would be if she ever had a TS/TG child? Her thinking is pathetic, and just plain wrong! It actually sounds evil.

I'm so sorry for you. Your family sounds awesome though, thank God you have them!

I agree, Marleena. When people start shouting about God and religion as their reasoning behind why they think something is wrong, then I think that for most people....they're pretty much screwed. There's no arguing or discussing when religion enters the mix - or even logic that can make a difference.

And, yes Stephanie - your family sounds pretty special. They are behind you, at least.

[darci.c]

That's awful. I would think that love is love, and is accepting for what you are. If she has major issues with it, then she didn't know who you really were in the first place.

I think that if women react that way it's a measure of selfishness, insecurity, or simply a sexual desire for a man who doesn't do those things (which is ok) - and that means you're not meant for each other and there should be no hard feelings.

[Shelly67]

I hope you both can build bridges on this emotional time . I think the situation you are in is an example of sheer disbelief , pain and horror , reacting in anger and spite . I also think youre wifes reaction is more than showing a cry for help , but in its essence was a scream in horror and fear . Sometimes we all react in an almost headless manner , consumed by blind emotion .
I can only assume this for two reasons , the first being she wanted everyone in her comfort bubble to know you crossdress - she wanted support . Ok , she could have gone to your family , her relatives , but when has any of us behaved in that manner with such a socially misunderstood subject - unless it was a question of substance abuse or a health issue ?
Secondly , she kicked you out , but into your other property - not the street or families own home , with a tongue lashing including her religious beliefs in anger - thats all she had to fall back on . It must have really rocked her world , just think its posted on here so many times , the disbelief of finding out our loved ones like to dress as women . It must be unbelievable to discover such a part of ones personality after many years . How would we feel if wifey suddenly came out she liked drinking beer , dressing as a guy and with a liking to admiring her own gender who behaved in the same way ? As much as we try to see thru the problem we become confused and almost blind by reactions sometimes- including our own .
But please consider this - although she may be reeling in fear and confusion she has attended therapy with you . She wishes to find answears , probably whilst in denial too . She may now really begin to question everything she considers dear and safe. And has become very frightened and threatened of just how her world has suddenly become upturned .
I think there is only one thing you can do right now , its easy for an outsider to see with clarity the problem , emotions not clouding the issue and that answear it give her time to calm right down . I think its so beneficial to continue therapy , together or alone its the signal start of wishing to communicate in a manner that so far has been of disregarde and fear .
Honesty really is the best policy , sometimes it really hurts , but in the passing of emotional upset , each and everyone of us has to reflect just on the reasons for why all of us behave in one way or another .
Try to be strong , give her the real support she cries out for ....fight for what remains dear in a quiet manner that obviously shows in strength and respect the same way your family has shown yourself . I only say this for the reason you have a long history together ,one which you don't wish to lose . However , in the future if it all goes wrong , then by trying to be amicable and find the answears to this unsettling time , then you'll never question your own efforts and live in the shadow of regret .
I hope you both can find it in your hearts to try to understand each other .........

Seasons Greetings .

[DanaR]

Have not been able to be on for a while. First we have 2 homes. One in WA and one in CO. She wants me to go to the WA house which is fine with me. We have been to counseling and the therapist has told her that crossdressing is not a psychotic behaviour. I know my wife has read many things including some stuff from Tri-Ess but refuses to believe it. I am also doing some counseling on my own at my wifes insistance that I see a transgender therapist. Now my wife regrets telling me to see this therapist since my wife believes the therapist will support my dressing. I just keep trying to get through this one day at a time.Stephanie, has your wife discussed any of her concerns with a therapist by herself? She might have some issues she could work on. It sounds like you are doing all you can do, by seeking some help. Hopefully she will become a little more understanding.

Out of curiosity, what does she want you to do? Is she okay with separating or is she interested in a compromise?

[Jane G]

Stephanie, is this the only issue you have between you and your wife? If so I would arrange to see a therapist. They won’t take sides, but they will be pragmatic about who has what hang ups about what. My wife and I did this many years ago and it was enlightening for her to be told, by some one neutral, that her husband was pretty normal really; he just had a few extra nuances to his personality. It did take a few arguments and a little time for thing to settle, but we're very much happier all these years on. Though she still only partly accepts my cross-dressing.

[Mollyanne]

Have not been able to be on for a while. First we have 2 homes. One in WA and one in CO. She wants me to go to the WA house which is fine with me. We have been to counseling and the therapist has told her that crossdressing is not a psychotic behaviour. I know my wife has read many things including some stuff from Tri-Ess but refuses to believe it. I am also doing some counseling on my own at my wifes insistance that I see a transgender therapist. Now my wife regrets telling me to see this therapist since my wife believes the therapist will support my dressing. I just keep trying to get through this one day at a time.

I truly am saddened to hear about this and your wife's dictating the terms in which "you" will work this out. It sounds to me that she has already made up her mind but she is playing the "trump" card in which she hopes some therapist will agree with her in that "you are broken". You MUST move forward and make the decisions to protect yourself (IE: divorce lawyer) I wouldn't let time be on her side or of her taking the offensive position here. No matter what, you have friends and "sisters" here. Best of luck to you!!!!!

Molly

[StephanieT]

This is not the only problem we have right now. We have also been in a disagreement on where we will live. My wife is convinced that dressing is a totally sexual thing that is a sin. Over the past year, we have been to 2 therapists together to discuss our issues and try and work on them. After 2-3 sessions and it becomes obvious that the therapist is not going to take her side, my wife loses interest in going and actually refuses to go to the therapist. My wife has now found a church where she has gotten counseling from the female in charge of Women's Ministries and has gotten support for her views. My wife asked me to see someone from the church who was recommended by the woman she saw. I have that appointment this morning. Hopefully this guy is educated on crossdressing. If not, I am armed with some articles to educate him. I am hoping for the best. Wish me luck.