Coming Out

[VanTG]

So I need some tips on coming out to people. Other than my therapist, I told a business partner today. Other than that nobody knows.

At some points I just want to say, Yeah so what are you going to do? Keep in mind I still live at home and I don’t want to be out on the streets. I kind of need to prepare myself for what might happen. Not to mention the cost of living in this city. $800 Bucks for 500sq ft not even downtown.

I am in University and plan on doing my Psych degree which I think will make it easier.

So much to consider, Need some strong feedback please ladies!!!

[Katesback]

Ever hear the term actions are better than words?

So if you go by that then the real question is are you going to begin transition? (this is the transsexual forum). Now if your just thinking of telling people some story without any actions your wasting your time. Really. Tell your therapist if you go to one and dont discuss the trans stuff with non trans people.

[Bree-asaurus]

In addition to what Kate said (and perhaps some repetition), talk to a therapist and figure out what you actually want to do. There's no point in coming out and potentially destroying relationships if you don't plan on transitioning.

Figure out what you need to do RIGHT NOW to be happy and not kill yourself. After you figure that out, you can then decide who else really needs to know at this point in time.

You don't provide much information, so I don't know whether you're planning on transitioning or not (or when). But don't potentially make things harder than they have to be if you're still going to live as a man for now.

You can start exploring your real self without involving the people currently in your life. A therapist, a support group and finding new friends that are dealing with the same issues you are will allow you to explore who you really are before you bring that into the people who are currently in your life.

[Aprilrain]

The phrase is "actions speak louder than words" which is different than "better".

VanTG: personally I would not show and tell that could be disastrous. Better to tell and then show. Other than that if you don't know who to tell and in what order there is no way we can help, remember eventually everyone and their grandmother is going to know but you want to be secure in who you are and what your doing by that point.

[Hope]

This is something, like many things on this path, that every one of us needs to do in our own way, in a way that feels authentic to us, and honors who we are.

When I asked my therapist about this, her best advice was "You just have to do it. You have to shove your heart back down your throat, and choke out the words... there is no way it will ever organically come up in conversation, so you just have to do it. When you are ready."

Having said that, allow me to make a few general suggestions that seem to be more or less universal:

1) Do not show up dressed, or come out with the use of visual aids. People tend to need time to ease into the idea. Shocking them is almost never respectful, or helpful to your cause.

2) Keep it brief. Tell people only what they need to know, what they might expect, and how they can support you. You will be surprised by the number of people who want to support you, but have no idea how to do it. If people have questions, let them ask. Providing the comprehensive 12 page history letter is TMI and most folks don't care... even fewer will read it. Invite people to ask whatever questions they want, and be prepared to answer with "I don't know yet." or "I'm not comfortable talking about that right now" and / or whatever the truth might be. NEVER lie.

3) You can NEVER take it back. Once you write that check, you will spend the rest of your life cashing it, even if you tell people "I was just joking!"

For me, at least with the most intimate relationships in my life, I found it really helpful to "soften the beachhead" a bit. By which I mean to toss out subtle, or not so subtle clues. Shaved legs. Earrings. Guy-liner. Underdressing. People WILL notice, but because we are such unusual creatures, they almost never think "OMG TRANNY!?!" despite what our greatest fears are. But it will plant the seed that you are a bit... more femme than most boys, and will provide them with a point of reference that they can look back to and think "Oh sure, that makes sense!" It seems to take away much of the shock, and with the shock the fear and distrust. Of course, that is what worked for me - you need to find out what works for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Engage in this conversation Van..

are you "down the road" on transition (Electrolysis, hrt etc)? If you are not, it's risky to disclose to people, even tho you probably feel quite compelled to talk about..
what did you disclose exactly? are you saying if you transition you will get thrown out of the house? Are you saying you've only told your business partner? why??

once you start telling, the clock starts ticking... the more you've prepared, the more you are ready to move forward the better it will be..

a common mistake in our world is to decide to transition on the inside, let fear and reality combine to stop any progress towards transition, to still feel the need to express yourself as female and start telling everybody..

[Katesback]

I have another way to put it. If a man came up to me (and 99.99% of the population) and told us he was really a girl he would NOT be taken seriously (more likely seen as nuts). Me being trans have herd this 1000 times and way more often than not the guy remains a guy. Now some people will tell you that your a girl in your head and thats fine but then transition involves becomming a woman in the eyes of the world.

So once again anytime a guy has told me he was really a girl I think to myself "I''ll believe it when I see it".

[Julia_in_Pa]

Do not out yourself as what you are unless you are well underway with your transition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've seen this before.

A person starts outing themselves and does not transition.

What happens?

Loss of family, loss of friends, loss of employment, etc. is what happens.

In your words; ""What might happen""....No!! It's ether what will happen or is happening.

Your going to end up in a very bad place very quickly if you keep outing yourself without already being in transition.

This is also taking into consideration that your at university.

Someday you wont be.

There is no middle ground to this when it comes to outing oneself .

You either out yourself and transition or you keep your mouth shut and prepare for your transition.


Julia

[Katesback]

Another thing a lot of trans people dont get is that nearly all the people out there DONT want to hear about trans stuff and they sure as hell dont understand it. It is akin to a Muslim comming up to me and talking about thier religion. I dont understand it and I dont want to hear about it either. You say but some people really do want to hear trans stuff. Well a large portion of those people are just satisfying thier curiosity. It is similar to going to the circus to see the bearded lady.

You say "but hey if I talk about my trans stuff I can educate people". I say theres a hell of a lot of idiot activists out there trying to do this already. Why not let those people try to do the educating and you just live your life as a real woman who you claim to be?

[arbon]

kind of need to prepare myself for what might happen.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

There has been a lot of good advice and insight given.

just make sure you have really thought it through (though sometimes we think things to death and just need to do it) - it is a life changer and that can be a good or bad thing. Do what is in your heart and soul.

[thechic]

Remember when you are out there is no going back,I would suggest only coming out if you need to.I short when i came out there were some big changes in my life and pleanty of heartache,you may lose all your friends and family.Im still married and have excepting kids.
I dont know what is the best way to come out,but I starting femminising my self at first in all was not just in looks,friends would ask me whats going on,i would tell them this was over time,i did get some good reaction and not so good reaction .At work new clients often thought i was a real female.now it history

[JohnH]

Don't make things unnecessarily difficult on yourself by "outing" yourself prematurely.

I have thought of "outing" myself, but now I am content to wear conventional men's clothing publicly except maybe denim skirts when the weather is warm. I used to put nail polish on my finger nails, have my hair longer, and sometimes wear dresses publicly but I don't have the urge any more since I am on HRT.

I do wear dresses in the evening around the house and wear a nightgown; that's good enough for me.

I have no intentions of "outing" myself unless it becomes painfully obvious that I have the appearance of a woman. I will allow my transition to come about naturally and NOT go out of the way to present myself as a woman. I have not yet been "maam'ed" much at all so far; in fact I have been "sir'ed" while wearing a dress.

That way when I do out myself it will not come as a surprise but will be expected.


Johanna

[Danika140]

I was far more drastic than your conventional wisdom presented from others in this thread. At first I told my closest friends whom I trusted the most that I was trans and left it at that for about 3 years. As I explored with my better feminine half, I started to really feel that I was living a lie as a male. One night I had enough of the charade and posted on my FB to 200+ people to include friends and family of all walks of life that I am trans and will be transitioning. It was bold, daring and had a great potential for disaster, but I was and still very serious and committed to transitioning.

I did a lot of feeling people out and a lot of soul searching before I let it all out there. I now have very close friends that live in the local area that is excited about helping me transition. I was very lucky for such a bold move so you really have to be sure what you want and if NOW is the right time. I waited 6 years to out myself as I was still in the military.

Bottom line, there is NO turning back once you out yourself as others have stated. Come out too soon or for the wrong reasons then you're potentially setting yourself up for failure.