I would change my answer . . . .

[Anne2345]

If you had a choice, would you remain transgendered, or would you instead choose a more traditional, normal life? This question and issue has undoubtedly been asked, answered, and debated time and time again throughout the history of this forum.

In the past, I have neither waivered from nor hesitated with my answer to this hypothetical question. Naively, with resounding emphasis and belief, I have stated on more than one occasion that I would not change, that I would choose to remain who and what I am. Invariably, immediately thereafter, I would write about the beauty of the blessed gift of femininity, or some such “long and flowery” prose expounding upon the positive nature and good fortune of being transgendered.

Back then, however, I believed that I was but a mere happy-go-lucky crossdresser. Of course, I knew better, yet I was in serious denial. Now, I know that I am anything but a happy-go-lucky crossdresser. Based upon a myriad of reasons I have written about in other posts, I believe I am transsexual. I also happen to be married, have a young daughter, and have a fulfilling career, which greatly complicates matters.

Thus, the rules for me have changed. I have rediscovered my need and desire to become a woman. I have broken through an adult life based entirely upon suppression, denial, and hiding from myself. What I want and need, although not impossible, changes everything. What I want, and the potential consequences of what I want, scares the absolute hell out of me when I take the time to think about it (which is every freaking day, btw).

I do not want this. I do not want this life. It is too hard, too difficult, too harsh, too unfair, too emotional, too extreme, too merciless, and too unforgiving.

For the record, I therefore would like to change my answer to the above-referenced question. I do not want to be this way. I did not sign up for this life. This is not a gift, it is a curse. If given the opportunity, I would choose to exorcise the TS demons from my soul . . . .

[PaulaAnn]

Hi Anne; Well I can only speak for myself and I'm no expert on all the complexities of living as a woman. I'm perfectly happy to finally give up my male life and go forward as a woman. It has taken me some 50 years of denial ,repression, tears , fears and all the other demons,to arrive here as Paula . It's who I am and who I wish to be ...life isn't easy or fair so I just try to move forward and be positive......damn it's hard at times though....to me it's about inner strength and conviction of your abilities .How much do you want to be woman of your dreams?I want it so much than I'm prepared to lose my marriage ,and some friends .
JMHO hon,
Paula.

[Jorja]

Yes but guess what? It is not going away. This is reality. So you do what you must do and learn to live with it just like those before you. When you have gone through transition and SRS and all the other things that make this life so difficult, you will hopefully be strong enough and ready to see that not so much has really changed. True, you have changed. You now play for the other team. Certain things will be more of a challange to accomplish than they once were. Yet, other things will be so much easier for you. The fact remains, you can still do and be whatever you want to do or be. It is all in the way you process it. If you want to sit and whine about how difficult it is for you, it will be. If you want to get up and move on, enjoy your new life, become the person you have spent years struggling to be, it will happen for you. Here is the kicker, it is still all up to YOU.

[Bree-asaurus]

I wish my insides would match my outsides... I don't care if I'm a man or a woman... I just want to be whole.

Being a girl on the inside and being a boy on the outside just plain sucks. If I could take a pill to make my 100% female, of course I would take it... but that's too easy of a question.

The tougher one is if I could take a pill to make me happy being a man (pre transition and all that)... and I would take it. I would lose who I feel I am, but once the pill does it's magic, will I care?

[Anna Lorree]

I wish my insides would match my outsides... I don't care if I'm a man or a woman... I just want to be whole.

Being a girl on the inside and being a boy on the outside just plain sucks. If I could take a pill to make my 100% female, of course I would take it... but that's too easy of a question.

The tougher one is if I could take a pill to make me happy being a man (pre transition and all that)... and I would take it. I would lose who I feel I am, but once the pill does it's magic, will I care?

Wow Bree, that really hits home with me. I just started therapy earlier this week. While there I gave my therapist a journal I have been keeping. Having read back through it just prior to giving it to her, I found two things that I had written most often. They were "I really feel like I should have breasts" and "I just want to match; it doesn't matter if I am male or female, I just want to match."

I have to admit that having read the same thing from you, a woman transitioning, is a little scary for me. That said, I agree with your points about pills. I would love to be able to just be happy as a guy! But mostly, I just want to be happy.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

Anne,

I have not come to realize that I am TS, but I haven't realized that I'm not, either. I have two children, a son and a daughter, both preteen. Other than those differences, I understand your post VERY well. I am scared to death of what this all may mean for me and my family. Like you, I think about this EVERY SINGLE DAY. It consumes me. I don't feel like I will surely die if I stay as I am, but I also know that as I am is not how I am meant to remain.

Anna

[gabimartini]

For the record, I therefore would like to change my answer to the above-referenced question. I do not want to be this way. I did not sign up for this life. This is not a gift, it is a curse. If given the opportunity, I would choose to exorcise the TS demons from my soul . . . .

Though many of our peers will disagree, I agree with Anne and don't see how this disconnect between body and soul can be a gift. It's an ordeal which I absolutely detest and would do anything to get rid of.


I wish my insides would match my outsides... I don't care if I'm a man or a woman... I just want to be whole.

I also agree with Bree, I couldn't care less between man or woman, as long as there's an end to this anguish. An anguish, BTW, that is getting harder and harder to conceal and keep in check.

[Julia_in_Pa]

After taking everything into consideration, at the very least I would want to have not transitioned.

I had no choice but to do so but if I could have that need taken away I would have stayed as I was.

Losing everyone and everything close to me almost killed me.

I was so close to death.

Like I said I had to transition to stay alive and not commit suicide but the cost was so tremendously high that I find it ridiculous what it cost me.

If I would have known then what I know now, I would seriously consider just dying instead of what I've gone through.



Julia

[ReneeT]

Speaking from the perspective of someone who is early to mid transition, what Julia says resonates with me. When the pain of not moving forward exceeded that of starting down this road, i had to act. I m in the process of losing my spouse. We will have to see about the kids. Who knows aout the job.

[Lorileah]

There are many many things I would change. I would be rich, I would be famous, I would be smarter, I would have my SO back, I would drive a fancy car. I would have prevented wars, I would have found a cure for cancer. None of which is possible. But being who I am I would not change. If I was to change something about being transgendered I would change the world's attitude. I would make it not a stigma, I would make it something that people would see as "normal".

I am not saying that there aren't days that like to be different. But I am who I am. I will never be satisfied (even if every wish above came true, I would "want" something else). Changing your mind is all part of being a human. What you like today isn't what you would like tomorrow. I guess things could be worse. If gender ambiguity is the only thing you wish were different, the world is a pretty good place

[Inna]

Every so often there is a discussion which intrigues and makes one wonder. I believe this to be the one, but as we shall find out, no one answer is The answer, but pain, suffering, confusion, guilt, regrets are a common theme.

If there was a pill to correct dysphoria of disconnect of body and mind, I would have taken it as soon I realized and I think that would have been a common view, such would have made my life way less complicated. I would had been a boy then a men and never look back or dwell why not a girl!

However, the longer I was surrounded with femininity surfacing despite my own barriers, the more intrigued and fascinated I had become, and countless tries to abandon her, were futile and gave more power to her being forceful in establishing a hold on reality of this life.

But, honestly, through pain and loss, sorrow and guilt, I so love her essence, her sensuality, her intimacy, her love I am she! and not mere interpretation of the boy avatar who needed to act out life for the sake of others. It is coincidental how the movie AVATAR seemed to represent my theme completely. I was broken and didn't believe in the reality of my pseudo-own kind and finally have rebelled against the establishment to claim the AVATAR I love despite the possibility of loss of life.

I have traveled to distant universe full of magic and wonder, and now if any one shall ask, would you want it any other way, I say "No way, this is my life, this is where dreams I dreamed have become real and wonders of this world became true!"

[Traci Elizabeth]

I for one have transitioned some time ago and I am female, always have been. I was willing to pay all the costs to be me ... as female on the outside as I am on the inside.

In retrospect would I be willing to go back to being a male at birth if I did not have the internal burning truth I was was female from day one - NO! There is nothing about being a male that makes me want to be one.

Hearing that "I did not ask for this, or I wish I wasn't like this" are totally foreign to me. Unlike most, I have enjoyed every moment of my transition. It was a life-time coming. And yes, there have been loses but I live in the positives and divorce myself from any of the negatives.

Call me callus but in the end, it comes down to you and you alone. You can not live your life for others nor can you force anyone to accept you. But if you are willing to take all those risks, and live with the consequences of your transition as I have done, then there is no "If I had to do it all over again...." scenario.

If you can not accept the risks of ultimate sacrifice by possibly losing family, friends, personal assets, and career, then you need to serious consider turning back as the road ahead can be extremely hazardous and set the weak at heart into a deep depression. On the other hand, if you accept what may be ahead of you, your existence at the end of your journey will be immensely rewarding and self-fulfilling.

Happiness is not a birth given right, it is something you have to find for yourself on whatever journey you embark.

[DanaR]

I suppose I would still me that way I am. I have an old friend, she doesn't know about me, that commented that when we were younger (late teens) I was always hanging out with the girls. I never really had very good friendships with guys, I just liked girls. Later in life, I learned to blend in with the guys more, but still always like hanging out with the girls. This is so complicated, if I were to transition, maybe some of the girls would accept me. I've never been attracted to guys, even if I didn't think a lot of them were jerks. I gave this a lot of thought years ago, and realized that the way that I am is probably the best of both worlds. My wife accepts me, I have several girl friends (that my wife knows about and that we are just friends) and there are a couple of guys that are casual friends.

[Debglam]

I wish my insides would match my outsides... I don't care if I'm a man or a woman... I just want to be whole.

God, if that were only so! How f'ing simple my life would be!

I have to wonder though. . . what would I/we be dealing with if not this??? I tend to believe that everybody has something going on.

[Bree-asaurus]

God, if that were only so! How f'ing simple my life would be!

I have to wonder though. . . what would I/we be dealing with if not this??? I tend to believe that everybody has something going on.

I do think that dealing with this makes us stronger. But jesus, it's so hard sometimes.

[arbon]

There are a lot circumstances in my life that i don't like and would not choose if I ever had a choice, but I didn't. My life is what it is - like everyone else there are things I like about it and things that I don't like, somethings I can change, somethings I just need to accept. There is suffering and happiness. There are actually other circumstances in my life that I would choose to have never experienced before choosing to not be transgender, but It is all part of what makes me me, and part of the gift of life.

Being trans - sometimes I hate it, sometimes I am ok with it, sometimes it is kinda fun and sometimes I can see the beauty in it - especially in other trans people. It definitely can be hard and sometimes I don't feel like I am tough enough, - but i am still here and keep on going.

[Launa]

For the record, I therefore would like to change my answer to the above-referenced question. I do not want to be this way. I did not sign up for this life. This is not a gift, it is a curse. If given the opportunity, I would choose to exorcise the TS demons from my soul . . . .[/QUOTE]

If I had the choice I would exorcise those demons to!!!! Its not going to happen so I'm going to have to get used to wearing dresses!

[Aprilrain]

If I had the choice I would exorcise those demons to!!!! Its not going to happen so I'm going to have to get used to wearing dresses![/QUOTE]

If only it were as simple as wearing dresses!

[Rianna Humble]

I know that I am anything but a happy-go-lucky crossdresser. Based upon a myriad of reasons I have written about in other posts, I believe I am transsexual. I also happen to be married, have a young daughter, and have a fulfilling career, which greatly complicates matters.

Thus, the rules for me have changed. I have rediscovered my need and desire to become a woman. I have broken through an adult life based entirely upon suppression, denial, and hiding from myself. What I want and need, although not impossible, changes everything. What I want, and the potential consequences of what I want, scares the absolute hell out of me when I take the time to think about it (which is every freaking day, btw).

I do not want this. I do not want this life. It is too hard, too difficult, too harsh, too unfair, too emotional, too extreme, too merciless, and too unforgiving.

Hi Anne, it is probably easy for me to sit here and pontificate, after all I have never had an intimate relationship (as some members like to point out) so I have never had the heartache about what my gender dysphoria would do to a wife and children. My only concern was with an aged father who I thought might die from the discovery of who I am but who in reality has turned out to be one of my staunchest supporters (even though he does sometimes forget and refer to me as his son Rianna)

Our circumstances are very different, but are you absolutely certain beyond a reasonable doubt that you cannot continue your career if you transition? Although I know through these forums several people for whom that was true, I also know IRL several for whom it was nothing more than a fear which held them back until they discovered the truth.

I can honestly agree with you that I never wanted to be transsexual and that life is harsh, unfair and sometimes unforgiving; but in my case, I decided that living was still a better option than the inevitable consequence of me not transitioning (or as I sometimes put it, there was more future for me in transitioning than dying).

Do I wish that I had been born cisgendered? Most definitely! Do I wish that I had not spent best part of half a century fighting who I am? Again most definitely. Can I change any of that? Not a snowflake's hope in h*ll.

I really hope that you can make the right decision for your life - whatever that decision may turn out to be :bighug:

[stefan37]

I thought I had achieved some sort of balance and have been more overt in my appearance. I haven't had any negative reactions in my professional life from either my employees or my clients. My wife mentioned that it was having an effect on her with interaction of our families. She suggested therapy and I had my first therapy session a couple days ago. I know not what it feels like to be either sex having only known this transgender tightrope. I know that I have to take the steps necessary to achieve inner peace, mental balance and self acceptance. Only then can I expect others to accept me. Being married in a strong loving relationship for almost 3 decades has me not just scared but terrified. In spite of the
fear of the unknown there is a strong rush of exhilaration in the freedom to allow myself to become congruent between my mind and body.

[JOANNE]

I chose to stay with my family as I had a strong relationship. It was difficult and I became a workaholic which helped to stifle the feelings. Five years ago my wife died and I started to transition
but too late for SRS. I have regrets but thats life

[Melody Moore]

First of all being a transsexual who was born intersex was never a choice, the only
thing that is a choice is how I was going to deal with it. I ran away from the idea
of transitioning for about 47 years. However I struggled all my life to accept myself
as a male, in the end I realised that wasn't going to ever be possible. If there was
some way that I could have accepted being a male, then that would be a lot darn
easier than the path I choose at the end of the day. No transsexual chooses a life
where they will be rejected and discriminated against.

For me it it was a very simple choice to make from two options - transition
or die. So I choose to live even though the journey would be very difficult.

[noeleena]

Hi,

My answer is the same now as it was 54 years ago. i knew than as i do now allways known & no way would i wont or need to be different .

My whole being is warped up in who i am yes being different has its moments yet does not being male or female ,
Yes im in the middle ground & i love being there,

I dont know what its like to be a true male or a true female / woman , yet i have enough to be happy where i am a mix of both really ,

As a point i thought i was pretty well entrenched in the middle ground if you like stuck there, well what has been over coming myself the last few weeks is im not how strange i thought yet as iv been growing yes as a woman , i have found that what i have allways had is coming to the fore .

Every part of my self my inner most part female / woman has taken presdence in a way that has been so lovely in so many ways .

& this is not to say my past is over its not its just going along with the ride, & thats how it should be .

Many changes have taken place thats part of growing if not we die , so im just happy with what iv been given even the hard out parts that where horendous they have helped shape who i am & as a woman in context with who i am as a person.

Some time we can miss out on our lifes by fighting against our selfs one thing i learned was not to , hence where i am now one strong woman .

One reason i did not change my name..... of, Noel or No-el & just to have the extra was / is still who i am. & my names reflect that,

...noeleena...

[Sara Jessica]

Anne, I am writing this without the benefit of reading the numerous replies above so forgive me if I repeat what was said in any of them.

(I will read each one when I'm finished, I just want my words to be from my heart and POV rather than being colored by anything else.)

There is an oft-used phrase these days, "It is what it is". This kind of applies here.

It's easier to explain to the one we love most dearly (as in the wife) that we are a CD'er, that it is something which is fun to do and that participating in such an activity every so often may be seen by her as quirky but it's something that she can get her head around. It's something that can be kept at bay if one does not become too obsessive about things.

However, being TG, being TS, being a woman to the core of your being is something that is harder for us to comprehend ourselves, let alone those who love us. It is deeper. It robs us of focus. It threatens our stability, our relationships. It alters what we know is necessary to be happy. It causes a unique stress which compounds upon those stressors which already exist in most relationships. It causes unease in the hearts of our SO's, as in "will he snap one day and leave me, leave our family, to pursue a course to live in a manner which he feels is authentic to his being?"

What doesn't being TG/TS do?

It doesn't go away.

It's all we know, regardless of whether we understood it at an early age or any time later in life.

So Anne, if this is what is truly in your heart, then the sooner you accept the fact you are TS and the better prepared you will be to deal with it in whatever way you see fit. The future is not consigned to a fate where drastic measures must be taken. The middle path is a valid option, one which can be very enriching if you chose to embrace yourself rather than fight your inner being.

[Kathryn Martin]

Long before I decided to transition I knew that contentment is not a result but an approach. I cannot change my biography, it is, as Sara Jessica says what it is. This realization has helped me to rather put my energy into embracing and dealing with what I have been given then fret over my fate of having been born a woman in a man's body. Yes, it would be easier if I was just congruent, but that is simply not my life. While I have not lost a spouse or my children over this I have lost a father which is hard for me. But that too is what it is.

[melissaK]

OP: If you had a choice, would you remain transgendered, or would you instead choose a more traditional, normal life?

Normal life please. Just one - I don't want to be greedy. ;^)

Hugs,
'lisa

(Footnote: So many accurate comments and observations in this thread, my comments can only be redundant. I see the feelings you all have and I have them too. But let me indulge in a little redundancy and add a quote from Neil Gaiman from his story Death: The High Cost of Living, "You get what anyone gets, you get a lifetime.")

[Sheren Kelly]

I can only second the insights of many of the above. There is a parable that I heard years ago that seems to apply to me:

A priest came across a woman possessed of seven demons, Taking pity, the priest proclaimed "I shall cast out from you these seven demons!" to which the woman had an unusual request...."please cast out only six!"

For me, transgenderism is so much a part of my experience, that I cannot concieve of myself being otherwise. It is a challenge I will face to my last day, but it is a challenge I accept.

[Amber99]

I wouldn't change it because it would too drastically change who I was. All of my personality is built on my identity as a girl. I would effectively cease to exist.