I don't know why Im transexual.

[Melissa Jill]

I literally have no idea why I feel this way. All I know is that living life as a man for me isn't worth living. Not that Im suicidal or anything, just that I mean it seems pointless. If that makes sense. I have no idea how Im supposed to feel inside. I don't feel like a man or a woman, I feel like Im just trying to be me?
Am I making any sense?

[gabimartini]

It makes more sense than you know. I've known my entire life, since childhood, that I wasn't meant to be male. But, I was male so I tried my best to act male, up to this point. But lately the burden's getting increasingly heavier to carry and even harder to hide.

[Michelle James]

It makes more sense than you know. I've known my entire life, since childhood, that I wasn't meant to be male. But, I was male so I tried my best to act male, up to this point. But lately the burden's getting increasingly heavier to carry and even harder to hide.

I could not have said it better.

[Kaz]

Gabi,

I know where you are at and I am approaching that zone... Melissa, I agree... I don't feel male or female... I just feel me... and yes it is confusing. I am happy in my world, but unhappy in the outer world where I play 'roles'. Well, that is how I deal with it... I play 'roles'... I hope that makes sense!

[StaceyJane]

I dealt with questioning why myself. I really couldn't find an answer. Eventually I moved past the why and started to work on acceptance and what to do next.

[Eileen]

Melissa I am not sure there is an answer to why. We just are who we are! Most of play the role for a time, a lot longer for some, and then when we can no longer take the stress we move forward. Not an easy road, but for me moving forward was what I needed to do to be happy. We are a diverse group and there is no one right answer. The journey, for all of us, is similar. The difference is we take different roads to find what works for us.

Eileen

[DebbieL]

I don't know WHY I'm transsexual, but I know that I've been different from the day I was born. I was born without testes and by the time I was 2 years old, I was mostly playing with girls. I only became aware of being a girl trapped in a boy's body when I couldn't play with girls anymore because I was a boy. Until then, I was just one of the girls. I didn't like playing with boys, because I usually got hurt.

When I couldn't play with girls, and didn't want to play with boys, I turned to books, hobbies, things I could do alone. I learned to sew, knit, crochet, do bead-work, and I learned photopgraphy, chemistry, and electronics - reading the whole non-fiction section of several public libraries. I became a book-worm and "nerd".

I tried to tell my parents when I was 6, but in 1961, there really wasn't an option to transition. I tried discussing it with therapists, but they weren't allowed to have such discussions. I didn't find a therapist who was qualified to treat transgendered until 1989. He was functioning as a marriage councilor, and tried to help my first wife and I resolve marital issues that couldn't be resolved, because I was transsexual. I was referred to someone who could help with the transition, but had to quit that program when I was fired from my job for making too many public appearances as Debbie.

I had reached the point where I was ready to transition at work, when my ex-wife threatened to have my visitation revoked or supervised if I didn't stop immediately. In Colorado, in 1991, there were no protections for GLBT and my ex-wife lived in Colorado Springs, site of 5 military bases, and Focus on the Family headquarters. She had connections through a fundamentalist Christian church to judges who would have been happy to revoke my visitation, but still required as much, or even MORE child support.

I wish I had been able to meet someone who could have helped me to transition BEFORE I met my ex-wife.

Each time I have thought something had happened that would mean I could never transition, I DID become suicidal. When my testes came down, I was almost 12 years old, and I was not happy. I tried to "kill" them, tying them off with rubber bands, crushing them, and trying to put them back where they belonged (like ovaries).

When I found out a had a Bass voice, I turned to drugs and often drank and drugged myself to black-outs on a combination of hard liquor, pot, antihistimines, valium, and wine - that would have killed most people. During the black-outs, Debbie took over, and the Dr Jekyll / Miss Hyde personality split was dramatic.

When my first fiance dumped me after finding out that I wanted to wear girl's clothes, I ended up in a psych ward for a hold-and-treat, but I was not allowed to discuss my transgender issues at all. It was deemed "inappropriate" - in 1977. Eventually, I ended up injesting a quarter pound of ground glass picked up from the street.

I ended up doing a 12 step program in 1977, and stopped drugging completely in May of 1980. I met my first wife and about 3 weeks after we moved in together, let her know about my gender issues. She was supportive long enough to get me to propose and go through the marriage, and then she stopped being supportive. In 1988, she just "cut me off" completely, and after a year of being room-mates, with children, we went to therapy, where I FINALLY met a social worker who understood gender identity issues. It didn't save the marriage, but it did open the doors to the possibility of transition.

Child support and high cost of living made it economically impractical to transition, not to mention not being able to see my kids anymore. When I stopped the transition process, I began gaining weight, eventually growing from 160 lbs to over 325 lbs, having a heart attack, and a stroke, and setting up DNR orders both times, almost hoping I would just die on the table.

When I shot back up to 325 a second time, I decided to take a chance on letting Debbie help me lose weight. Thus far, I've lost 80 lbs (down to 245), and I'm looking to lose another 80 more (target 165). At 5' 11" - I would be about a size 12, though my ribs would still keep me in a 16 on top.

I tried growing out my natural hair, even getting a perm, but I've lost too much hair up front. It makes being trapped even more real, and makes me even more inclined to consider the "Reincarnation option". Needless to say, I am seeking a therapist again. I'll be 56. Even if I transitioned, I'd just be switching from "old man" to "old lady", though I do look almost 10 years younger as Debbie.

[Rianna Humble]

In my not so humble opinion, anyone who says that they know why someone is transsexual is either deluding themself or a liar.

I do not know why I am TS either, but I do know that I am. Finally admitting this fact and starting to act on it has been a catalyst that has helped me to become better at my job in Customer Service and recently led to a good friend telling me that I am a much nicer person than the old me ever was.

I don't have all of the answers - heck, I don't even know half of the questions let alone all the answers, but I do know beyond any shadow of a doubt that for me transition was the only way to continue living.

If the best way for you to have quality of life is to accept that you are TS, then go for it.

[Stephenie S]

In my not so humble opinion, anyone who says that they know why someone is transsexual is either deluding themself or a liar.

I do not know why I am TS either, but I do know that I am. Finally admitting this fact and starting to act on it has been a catalyst that has helped me to become better at my job in Customer Service and recently led to a good friend telling me that I am a much nicer person than the old me ever was.

If the best way for you to have quality of life is to accept that you are TS, then go for it.

Rianna (and others) hit the proverbial nail right on the head with this one.

Sweetie, NOBODY knows why they are TG or why they CD.

Yes, lots of guys put incredible amounts of energy into trying to figure out "WHY". But that's just what guys are like. Guys want to know why. It's a guy thing to want the answers.

Leave it alone, hon. There is no answer. Try to relax about it and enjoy yourself and your likes and dislikes.

Enjoy the feminine in yourself. Experience. Feel. Receive. Be. Accept.

Time spent worrying about the "why" is time wasted.

Stephie

[Kristy_K]

I don't understand or know why I am a TS. I was on anti-depressants for many years before accepting that fact of being a TS. I accepted the fact 9-7-12 and decided to transition 9-15-12. People I knew was very surprise but they also said that they have never seen me so happy and excited about life. They have asked many times if I ever quit smiling. Beside smiling all the time, I am not on drugs for depression any more. I get a hi off of life now. All because I took the chance to be myself. I am now happier than I have ever been before in my life and look forward to living tomorrow. Now my most common problem is trying figure out what to wear everyday.

[Kaz]

I blame it all on the Higgs' boson!

[Melissa Jill]

I don't mean why like "why is this happening to me?" I mean more like what makes me think Im transexual.

[Stephenie S]

I don't mean why like "why is this happening to me?" I mean more like what makes me think Im transexual.

Well we don't know what you are thinking, so how can we answer that? Why DO you think you are TG?

S

[*Vanessa*]

@Rianna said it best @Melissa

when she said "If the best way for you to have quality of life is to accept that you are TS, then go for it."

Reflect on what the older girls here are saying to you.

[Kristy_K]

Originally Posted by Melissa Jill
I don't mean why like "why is this happening to me?" I mean more like what makes me think Im transexual.

I think that is something only you can answer. Maybe a therapist can help you with that question.