Rough day today

[Badtranny]

I think I'm starting to feel the weight of my decision to transition at work. People are still being polite, but I feel like it won't be long before things start to get real. My bosses and the other managers know that everything changes in April and they're beginning to be concerned about things like bathrooms and liability. Our parent company is publicly held and since transgender people are a protected class in regard to employment discrimination in CA, I've already noticed some reticence from people who are afraid to say the wrong thing. One of our managers called his whole office together and told them they can no longer joke around with me the way they used to. This is not what I want. I don't want to be special or protected and I don't want people (my long time colleagues) to be uncomfortable around me.

This is something I did not expect, so I guess that makes about a hundred things I didn't expect now. I don't regret coming out and I think I'm doing it the right way for my situation, but even so, it occurred to me today that this is some heavy stuff. I've been pretty casual about this whole thing for a while now but today started a new chapter and I was literally on the verge of tears all day. Why tears? I don't have the slightest idea.

[robyn1114]

I'm sorry to hear that Melissa, hopefully things will calm down after everyone adjusts to the new situation.

[AllieSF]

Hey Melissa. You are doing just fine. Yes, everything associated with your transition is very serious business for you and now for your company. You have given them a burden that they have not considered nor thought about and probably prefer not to deal with. However, that is their burden to help you make it all work out for them and you. So, I would think that constant, friendly and not to humorous, communication with your HR department and maybe even with your superiors would help them through all this. I know some of your humor and go get em in your face personality away from work, but am not really familiar with how you are at work. I would say that a somewhat low profile, not overly funny nor direct with others will serve you well over the long haul. I know how excited you are to be finally blossoming into you. As we say here sometimes about SO's that get the "Honey, you may want to sit down because I need to tell you something that is difficult for me to say". They are being introduced to something that they probably had no idea nor any knowledge about. Your company is your SO during this at work transition, which I believe is the best for you. So, as we say to the SO's here, go slow, be patient, explain when necessary and keep your communication links open and well functioning. Your company now needs to get their hands around what all this means to them and their day to day processes, clients and workers. Just like you, they are adults and professionals and will do their best. One way of looking at it is that if they can make it work with minimal disruptions to their operations as a whole, they will also have something to be proud about in the future. It may also be a good time to try to take your work efforts to a new high to show how valuable you really are to them. The less issues that they have during your transition, the less that they will think about it.

Just remember that I am only a phone call (local and cheap too - the phone call girl!) away from you if you ever need to rant, download or bounce ideas off someone a lot older than you. You young thang!

[Tara Bordeaux]

I feel for you big time. My thoughts: Get a few of them together and talk about it WITH you instead of people discussing about you as if you were some sort of outsider.
Let them know you're still the same person, it's just going to be a little different and complete packaging. Ask them, no not ask, tell them you EXPECT them to treat you
as they did before.

Personally I think the boss gathering the whole office around and telling them something that was a complete and utter failure of any kind of common sensitivity on his part.
Things will work out sweetie.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Melissa,

I'm sorry that the management in your company does not seem to be handling this very well. Could you contact your HR department and ask to review with them what will happen in the run up to your transition and also what communications are going out about this? I know I work under a different legal system to you, but this is the way that things were handled where I work and it made for a very smooth transition as far as my workplace was concerned.

It may be that the local management does not know what the legal situation is with the bathrooms, for example, so you might want to research this before going into such a meeting. Where I work, my designated management and HR contacts did not know the legal situation so we tasked them with finding out and reporting back. According to the head of HR where I work, I was legally entitled to use the correct bathroom for my new gender.

I think that it is on TS Roadmap that they suggest preparing an FAQ that can be made available to employees who aren't sure or have any questions, might you want to do something like that?

[Marissa]

I"m sorry Melissa... for all that you endure...but.. yes there is a but..you wanted or needed this... this is you..so go forth and accept.. yes, you will lose that 'guys' night out...you will lose that 'dude talk'...you will lose things that you just didn't think you would.. but in the end..what is it that you gained? really..what????? weigh it out..is it worth it? You may or may not be accepted by the girls..but who knows.. grab a thread..and it will lead to a spool.... hold ur head high cuz you are a very pretty woman..and strong..so decide..where do you fit? and claim it.. :)

[donnalee]

I suspect they may be following legal advice to err on the side of least liability. It will take a while for you both to acclimate to the new situation; just be patient.
I also think that those tears may be due to your dreams turning into reality.

[Launa]

Why tears you say? I think you don't want anybody to rock the boat over what you might think are petty issues. Having a company meeting for the employees might not be a bad thing for you in some ways, just to let everybody know that in the future they can not joke around in the "wrong way." Good jokes and having with everybody is great but you want no bullshit from anybody come April. The last thing you need is somebody trying to joke with you when really they are "half joking but all serious" such as putting a cardboard box with your name on it and placing it by the washrooms and saying that one is for you and you listening to hahaaha. That kind of crap you don't need there are always ups and downs in life. Your going to do just fine.

[Sara Jessica]

Keep in mind Melissa that for your company, and probably most out there, this is their trip to the moon as in absolutely uncharted territory. And as has been said already, they are doing what most companies would do in a similar situation...err on the side of caution.

It's hard to say that they are doing anything wrong. Heck, a floor meeting to talk about an impending transition on the job may seem like common sense to them but in reality, it's probably not the best method of communication. A dear friend of mine recently came out at work and her news went viral within an hour or so of her telling her bosses. So is there a right way for any of this? Who knows.

But what would make your situation easier going forward? Perhaps a simple meeting with your boss to express your feelings rather than running something up the HR food chain. Regardless, as always you have my best wishes!!! :)

[Julia_in_Pa]

When I transitioned on the job in Montana it was a very similar experience.

When it was officially announced that I was transitioning people began not to speak to me.

HR did nothing to smooth the situation for either myself or my co workers.

Instead of going to work I started going to a very lonely place for the day.

Then things began to change.

About 3 months into full time my co workers started to speak with me again and within a month after that I felt comfortable being at work.

It takes quite awhile for people to understand who and what we are Melissa.

Give yourself and your co workerss some time to sort this all out but at the same time do not allow HR to either knowingly or unknowingly deny you your civil rights given to you by the state of Ca.

This will get better, I promise.


Julia

[gabimartini]

I'm sorry to hear that, Melissa. Sadly, most companies adopt the CYA strategy, when dealing with issues that fall outside their stupid little rule books. It wouldn't hurt for your to consider a "plan B" outside your current place of employment, if you haven't done so, just in case. It may never come to that, but it's better to be ready, I guess.

Good luck!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sorry this is happening to you Melissa...

this is the path of the out transsexual...protected, marginalized and on the outside..your experience is universal...especially in business, where people are brutal and pragmatic (if they are any good as businesspeople)
as a business person yourself, it is vital that you understand this..you are on the OUTSIDE...this hurt me so bad when i felt it at my company...i ended up leaving before transition, i chose to leave for a number of reasons, but i worked there as a vital employee for 20 years, helping to reach goals and solve problems..and i had become an "issue"...i can't imagine what the pres and cfo said about me as they planned to "deal" with the "issue"... it sounds like you are feeling what i felt..i'm so sorry...
i could not find a way around this other than to move on..

because your company is supportive, you have an opportunity to stay in place and work your magic in the best way you can, and it may be that investing more of your time and energy there will make you an exception..you certainly have the energy and strength..

and for what its worth, in my personal life, i did find that a small group of people adapted incredibly well over time and treat me just like one of the girls, but they are the exception..maybe if you can find one or two folks there that feel this way and spend your quality time around them?

also, your ffs may have a positive impact as well because appearance matters and it will comfort people that may be faking acceptance..(of course when you see how wonderful it is to pass all day every day, you may want even more from your transition)

[Stephenie S]

Dear Bad,

Clear your mailbox please. Incoming PM.

Stephie

[Badtranny]

..and i had become an "issue"...i can't imagine what the pres and cfo said about me as they planned to "deal" with the "issue"...

Bulls-eye Kait, That's exactly it, I have become an issue. I really couldn't ask for more from the company so far, they are a fairly conservative (for the Bay Area) operation and I am their first tranny after all. I was talking to a friend and she said "they've never gone through anything like this before" and I said "neither have I!"

I'm the most junior of all the senior managers and I've always been a little too unconventional for the CEO anyway. He trusts me, but I'm not sure he's ever seen me as VP material. On the big whiteboard, this is just one more thing that makes him raise his conservative eyebrow except now, he's got liability issues to worry about. He has been great though, I'm just starting to feel really vulnerable about this for the first time in a long time.

The guy who made the announcement to his staff is a good friend and my old mentor. He means well, and he is 100% behind me, so even people that are totally accepting are struggling to "deal with the issue" and I guess that's what's making me sad. I really don't want people, my friends, to be uncomfortable, but I guess time will take care of that.

Thank you so much ladies for all of the great input, and support. It's nice to know that there are those who have tread this path before and I'm not so unique, even though I sometimes feel like the only tranny in the Diablo Valley. ;-)

Marissa, the dude talk and guys night out was never my thing anyway and the only reason they ever invited me out was because I was the boss. Regarding the "girls" most of them have become much closer friends and every one of them has told me they thought I was a jerk before I came out. Some of them knew what was going on early this year. We've even started a Ladies Only Lotto club to finance my transition. Of course it is still very early and who knows what will happen after FFS and I begin to claim my place among them. Playing with me, and living with me, may be two different things.

Allie, your advice is closer to the mark than you could imagine. I really do need to mellow out a little bit I think. It's a long time still, but a short time also until my FFS and it's definitely good advice to relax the jokes and the general tranny humor and let people absorb what's going on.

You've all been very sweet and I thank you for listening to me complain about nothing.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Melissa!

Reading about your day made me cry. Like you said for you and the company you work for this is new territory, everyone is afraid. You want to be treated like a normal everyday person and they are afraid of saying or doing something you would take offence by and sue them for. You are very brave and strong woman working for a company that is trying hard to do what is right. Maybe talking with the boss about things might help I don't know never been in your situation since I am new to transitioning and basically retired do to my disability.

Here is a BIG GIGANTIC HUG for YOU!

[Starling]

...even people that are totally accepting are struggling to "deal with the issue" and I guess that's what's making me sad. I really don't want people, my friends, to be uncomfortable...

You are such a good and thoughtful person, Melissa. You will always have friends who really care about you, because you really care about them.

:) Lallie

[Badtranny]

You are such a good and thoughtful person, Melissa. You will always have friends who really care about you, because you really care about them.

:) Lallie

...um, that might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Thank you doesn't seem like enough, there needs to be a hug ;-)

[Starling]

Can you feel me hugging back, Melissa?

:) Lallie