Don't know what to do

[sarahcsc]

Is anybody here from an Asian community? I would love to tell my girlfriend, but I fear that she is not the only one I stand to lose if I let out this secret. I will lose most of my Asian friends, maybe even my family... I don't know about the GGs and although I know you value honesty in a relationship, but in Asian communities, especially mine, EVERYBODY knows about EVERYBODY and word travels fast. My girl tells her parents her deepest secrets. And whats going to stop her from telling her parents? And if that happens, whats going to stop her parents from telling other people? How much attention do we need to pay to the societal context and ramifications?

[ReineD]

Sarah, I moved your post from the Sticky thread you had it posted in, to it's own thread so that you can get responses from everyone.

[DanaR]

I think that this is why you have to be careful who you tell. Tell only people who need to know. Tell your wife. If you are going to get married, you should probably tell before getting married.

I still believe that people should test the waters a little before telling someone though. Bring up the subject, maybe you saw it on TV or saw someone that was crossdressed at the store and ask the question, what do you think about it? If they have a problem, usually they will make some sort of comment. Just jokingly, you could say, what if I did that, you will get a response and then you might know. At least more than what you did before.

Like all other caveats VMMV.

[sarahcsc]

I don't have to test the waters... I think my girl made it very clear to me at some stage about this... Its an Asian thing. I perform the role of a man, thats it. No questions asked. I love soft toys, and although she puts up with it, she often tell me not to mention anything about soft toys in front of her dad. Otherwise I would be perceived as "soft". ugh...

[Launa]

I'm not Asian but I would really consider not getting married until you do tell her "something about this side of you". Maybe not right away but don't let things get too serious. Its more of a disaster for families when it rears its ugly head down the road into your marriage. If you tell her now and she breaks of the relationship then tells the parents, you might have to go into damage control and say she's spreading a nasty rumor and is full of s*!t or you can come out to the people who ask you about it and then say I do this sometimes so what? You will find out who your real friends are.
I used to be concerned with people finding out and coming up with excuses but not so much any more. I will never be fully dressed at work or in front of my coworkers on the golf course etc...However if I'm ever caught red handed at a clothing store or nail salon, I will say so what its fetish night soon and you can go blow goats if you don't like it.

Now you have me a bit curious. I thought Asians were more liberal when it comes to these kinds of things. I've been told its easier to get an Asian seamstress to alter clothes, help you with hair etc and not be scared, shocked or amazed by these things. Is any of this true?

[Foxglove]

Sarah, I'm not Asian, but I don't think your problem is confined to the Asian community. Maybe it's more pronounced there, I don't want to quibble. But a guy who's half-girl is going to have problems anywhere.

I'm a believer in honesty, truth in advertising, etc. But there are very real problems there. People could give you all sorts of advice with that, such as Dana has given. I'm not sure how much I could give you myself. I haven't had just huge amounts of experience being open and above-board about my girl side.

I don't know how old you are, but one thing I regret not doing when I was young was fully confronting my girl side, accepting it and trying to decide on a general strategy in life. Obviously, you can't plan everything ahead in advance. Life isn't so easy, and you have to be able to adjust. But it seems to me it's a good idea to try and decide where generally you want to go. That's what I'm trying to do now at this late stage. It's not easy to do, but it sounds to me that you're in the sort of situation now that if you had a general strategy, then it might be easier to decide on the specific tactics the situation requires.

[JenniferR771]

People instinctively keep secrets. They gossip, but protect their friends and family. If everyone knows everything in the community...do you know who are the gay people on your block? Have you heard who else is a crossdresser in your community? Conservative values are good. Discretion is taken for granted. What culture? China? Japan? Thailand? Big differences.

Problematical situation you find yourself in. Some Asian men can be so pretty when dressed--I am often amazed!

[Barbara Ella]

Sarah, you have received some sound advice here. While you may feel the need to come out to your girl friend, you should consider that only if you both have come to the decision that you want to spend your life together, and it is not just because the community approves. This revelation is very hard for the SO to accept, and if there is any problem existing before you announce, it will be magnified after. It is up to you to decide what level of knowledge you feel comfortable with, but dont rush into thinking that knowledge is always better, it must be tempered.

Babes

[AllieSF]

Great advice so far. I would say that the writing is already on the wall regarding how your girlfriend will react and more importantly how she "expects" you to act. Do you want to live like that? "Honey, you can't do that, what will my family think?" The "that" could be anything, not just CD related. Looks like a miserable and troublesome life for you if you do get married. I agree with the trying to plan out how does this side of you fit into your overall life for now and the future. I honestly think that if you believe that she will never accept who you are, nor tolerate your feminine side and needs, then she is not the correct woman for you.