View Full Version : Are you up to the challenge?
Anne2345
12-18-2011, 10:15 AM
Recently, I submitted a post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?165673-I-would-change-my-answer-.-.-.-.) relating to the oft presented hypothetical question of whether one would choose a normal life over a transgendered life. In my post, I stated that I would change the answer that I had previously provided, and wrote, based upon a number of reasons, that “I would choose to exorcise the TS demons from my soul . . . . ,” in hope of a more normal, easier life.
Within the thread, some members agreed that they would do the same, whereas other members stated otherwise. Regardless of any given position, there were many compelling, interesting responses posted therein. Of particular curiosity to me, however, was the following quote from a member whom I respect and admire:
For me, transgenderism is so much a part of my experience, that I cannot conceive of myself being otherwise. It is a challenge I will face to my last day, but it is a challenge I accept.
As with this member, I, too, cannot conceive of myself being otherwise. I simply cannot. And as we all know, there are serious, life-changing consequences attendant with our special and specific needs and desires. But is there also a specific “challenge” that is necessary for one to accept and take on to make this all work?
If so, my younger self was one squeeze of a trigger, one muscle twitch away, from totally and utterly failing the challenge. Instead, back then in the day, I failed the challenge in a completely different manner – I ran away from myself. I erected inordinately tall and thick mental walls and barriers. I sealed the essence of myself away from both others and myself.
Years later, however, all of this has caught up with me. Either tear down the self-erected walls and barriers, or losing my f-ing mind. Although the jury is still out as to whether I have lost my mind, I did break through the walls and barriers. And what I discovered within, what I have always known was there despite the suppression and denial, was a scared, indecisive, miserable transsexual who is in great pain, and who just feels wrong.
So is there a challenge that I must accept now to make this all work? As some have pointed out, and as I know with every fiber of my being, this is not going away. It will not go away. Were I but a simple, happy-go-lucky crossdresser, I would revel in my good fortune and blessings! Were it but as simple as putting on a dress, a wig, and some makeup, life would be magnificent! But alas, I am not so lucky.
If indeed the challenge does exist, then I wonder if I am up to it. I am exhausted, tired, scared, and just plain emotionally worn out. Am I up to it? I do not know. But I suppose there is not much choice, huh?
Julia_in_Pa
12-18-2011, 10:30 AM
Only you know if your up to the challenge of transition.
I know that for me if I failed I would have committed suicide.
That leaves no middle ground and no returning.
As for you, that's your journey Anne.
Only you know deep inside what you have to do.
Julia
suzy1
12-18-2011, 10:40 AM
I think, in this life one has to do whatever it takes to be happy.
If we are not living our lives as the real us then we will always lack that something.
For someone like you Anne that involves changes that I would never contemplate because I have found the real me and now my life is peaceful and complete.
So all I can say is that I look forward to reading posts from you that show you too have found that special place Anne.
All I can do is give you all the support I can from 3000 miles away. Not much I know. :strugglin
Love and hugs, SUZY :love:
melissaK
12-18-2011, 10:50 AM
So the question is "there's not much choice?"
I think there are choices.
My path is not much different that yours. But I did the run away from myself thing three times - and I really did lose my mind. I found my way back to sanity and realized I had to move forward and make a change. So I looked hard at all the options. I found one I thought would work for me. I got my TS referral letter from my therapist and then started HRT, but with no intent to transition and cross live, or seek SRS, but to instead get relief by taking cross gender hormones and stay in my male role. It's been 4 or 5 years I guess, I have lost track. I take cross gender hormones daily and they help a lot. I get by with far less anxiety. Yes I grew some boobs - pretty noticeable A-B ones. By societal standards I look ridiculous - a guy with gynomastica. But my wife has stayed with me, I still have my professional contacts and provide for my family. I suppose I would rather transition and would rather have SRS, and I know I still have some fears of rejection by friends, family and professionals in my field were I to do that. But that fear has lessened, and I know that door is open to me still.
My path should not be everyone's path, and I am not saying it should be your path. I have been criticized on the boards a time or two for taking my path and you should consider those criticisms. But I wanted to illustrate that there are choices for how you move forward.
You will find your path. :-)
Hugs,
'lissa
Pamela Kay
12-18-2011, 11:01 AM
"So is there a challenge that I must accept now to make this all work? As some have pointed out, and as I know with every fiber of my being, this is not going away. It will not go away. Were I but a simple, happy-go-lucky crossdresser, I would revel in my good fortune and blessings! Were it but as simple as putting on a dress, a wig, and some makeup, life would be magnificent! But alas, I am not so lucky."
"If indeed the challenge does exist, then I wonder if I am up to it. I am exhausted, tired, scared, and just plain emotionally worn out. Am I up to it? I do not know. But I suppose there is not much choice, huh?"
Anne,
I think you have already decided that this is a challenge you have to accept since as you said, it's not going to go away. One of the main differences I see between being a crossdresser and transexual is as you say, the crossdresser can dress and then put it away. Being transexual is in your heart and mind every minute of every day and you can't put it away or get away from it because it is part of your being and who you are. I'm no expert and am just starting to deal with some of the same issues you are. If there is any advantage to being older it's that my kids are grown and gone and my marriage, which has had issues we had not dealt with for years, is different since this has required us to deal with those issues. We are now living as friends and will divorce as friends within a year. I am in counseling and being referred for HRT.
It is a challenge and it does exist. How will this affect my family, friends, and work? Will I find peace and happiness when I reach the finish line? Only time will answer some of these but after following your posts for awhile now I believe you are up to it. There is no choice at this point, there is only the path forward. When things get the toughest, that's when we find our true stength, the strength of heart. From what I have seen of your heart in your posts, you definitely have that strength.
You have friends here and you are not alone.
Hey girl, yet another quite succinct and concise post!
And right on, speaking of the struggle of mind to cope with something so fluid and unmeasurable. Simply put, transexuality feels like a schizophrenic mind trying to understand that some of the factors are non existent where some are as important as life it self, how do we choose the correct assumption without understanding and feeling of what is real and what is not. To have body emulate feminine state is really quite a simple task, however costly and for some unfortunate's more masculine gal it promotes sense of unattainable reality. Such does lead to never never land, where I visit once a while and sorrow fills my heart entirely and it seems as though to prolong this farce is simply prolonging the hurt, but yet I always come back, why?
Why do we press on........... I believe that knowing the feeling of sensual and beautiful self somewhere within is the factor that we can't simply leave! We want her to emerge from the abyss onto this god forsaken place to fulfill it with her presence and the light she is and always been despite the burdens and regretful spells we put on the fact of her existence.
I believe that dysphoria isn't about her but about simply our life time bondage within body we never intended to occupy, and as I have done in the past and was simply mad and disgusted with her presence, in fact I should have always been disgusted with him yet I wasn't pressured for the truth because I had no clue what truth was and all I got from the surrounding environment was how to be blind and more blind to the ultimate truth and love.
So we go on, despite exhaustion despite no signs for the road ahead, we go ahead blindly for her sake, just as true love for someone gives you inspiration and makes you fearless, such is our love for her, the one who is pure and true.
PS.
for my entire life I had never given her a chance to BE, but what is more astonishing, I have never given her a chance to screw things up aether, and she had remained as pure as a child.................I think that fact is so astonishingly beautiful about her and I have a chance to start life in the most precious of ways, true and wholesome!
Kaitlyn Michele
12-18-2011, 12:03 PM
Fluid and immeasurable...i like that..
Curse or not,
You can't change who you are.. you can only change how you live..
Starling
12-18-2011, 02:33 PM
Yes, Kaitlyn, the rest is just wishing for the impossible. But we do it anyway, I suppose, as a contorted form of grieving for the wholeness we never had.
:) Lallie
gabimartini
12-18-2011, 02:37 PM
Anne, I can totally relate to your feelings. Early on I built a fortress and hid myself inside. For many years I thought I was safe under the surety of these walls. Or so I hoped, for deep down I always knew that these were temporary deterrents to my appointment with the inevitable.
Guess what? The inevitable is now here, knocking on the door or rather, knocking down walls at an alarming rate. The invasion is iminent and, as I hopelessly try to hang on to the last tethers to a universe that is unsatisfying, but known, I'm getting desperate. My life, as I know it, is coming to an end, as it will be impossible to keep up this charade once the last safeguard is down.
I'm not even close to being ready for it, but I can't run from it any longer. The truth is it will always know where I live, fortresses or not. What to do, or how to go about it is what I've been asking myself these days. Haven't yet found the answer, but I promise to share, if I do.
noeleena
12-19-2011, 05:47 AM
Hi,
Do you think or know that being different is for a reason , i wont even try & answer that i dont have the answer , yet why is it so hard for many to accept .....we ..... are different .
i knew i was at age 10 & you know what i thought i was okay . or yea well what ever ....normal..... well i thought i was, yet there were lots of details about my self that were so far away from normal. just as well i did not know other wise growing up it would have been the nut house for me.
I have more problems knowing about others not accepting who they are than i do or did with my self being different ,over the last 15 years iv got to know many people & about them & thier differences with in the trans community that i knew nothing about years before.
The struggles ,heartaches & all the rest of what we go through, oh yes i'v gone through ....HELL... so i do know & it comes down to why is it so hard to be able to accept ourselfs in a way we should be able to. not so easy to answer. after youv gone through it,
& of cause the ? why. no answer yet in sight......
Any way just a few of my thoughts,
...noeleena...
morgan51
12-19-2011, 08:54 AM
You have put this into words so well thankyou. I beleive you already know what must come next. Hugs :) Morgan
Aprilrain
12-19-2011, 09:07 AM
Am I up to the challenge? We shall see! Wether I'm up to it or not I'm moving ahead rather than standing still, what other options do I have? What other options does anyone have? Time marches on wether we like it or not, for me that was a significant factor in my decision to pursue transition. My experience was that this "thing" we have wasn't going away and I wasn't getting any younger. My wife wanted me to wait till the kids were grown and out of the house! Even if I could have made it that long with out killing myself the thought of being that much older and starting transition was so depressing that "early retirement" from life seemed preferable.
Jenny Doolittle
12-19-2011, 10:03 AM
Wow..... Such an intense but totally needed thread!
I wish everyone clarity in thought and great wisdom and rational in their decisions.
Good Luck my friends.
Jenny
Rachel Mari
12-19-2011, 11:09 AM
Jeez.... what a feeling provoking thread!
I couldn't get through many of the posts without having to stop reading, calm down and stop crying. Everything hit me so close to home, it made me really feel, and know, that I am making progress, major progress, towards accepting myself, but I have a ways to go yet. So much rang so true to my internal thoughts and feelings and it has helped me to read it from you all in this one thread.
And yes, definity an intense and totally needed thread.
In a religious context, I have often said that if one is sufficiently open, God progressively leads you on to more difficult challenges until only one remains - your self. That's because NOTHING is more difficult. Your place in the world, your relationships, your conception of worth, your ideas of accomplishment and progress are all tied completely to your sense of self. So when self is undermined - or rather a different self comes to the fore - you are bereft ... potentially of everything and everyone. No wonder that you feel like you are losing your mind. You are, in a way. I don't think anyone is prepared for just how different one can feel. Put another way, as someone wise once said to me, "you are an alien!"
You'll make it, Anne. Strength and resolve are just starting to peek out from the despair in your writing.
Lea
ps - amazingly evocative writing
Longing2be-Trisha
12-19-2011, 12:14 PM
Hi Anne!
I am up too the challenge! I feel your pain and it is not easy being being TG by any means. Here is a BIG BIG HUG for YOU! Just sit down and breath slow deep breaths! I wish I could be there to give you a shoulder to cry on, but know I am here for you!
Hugs
*Vanessa*
12-19-2011, 01:00 PM
And yet another neat thread boils up out of you Anne – good on ya!
I guess it’s just my background but to me there is a tremendous difference between something that is conceived and thing that is perceived. It makes perfect sense that you can’t conceive your life being any different as that would indicate that you need another person or life changing scenario to come along to give the change to you.
I challenge myself all the time. I have imagined my way out of many situations that I would rather not be in and conversely I have imagined how I could get to a place that I want to be both emotionally and physically. My challenge for this coming year will be my return to a state of happiness similar to that I achieved in ‘08.
Most people that have written something in the thread know a little of my background. Messed up and confused dealing with all kinds of TG and GID issues. How could anyone even think to move forward without help? Well writing and reading threads like your help greatly along with a bunch of meditating.
Over the last 6 months, I have felt safe enough emotionally to open my own mind to let some very dark issues out from my past. For some reason it was time for me to either deal with these issues or finish the life. Against all odds I have made it to a place I know I can handle and move forward.
PMs are amazing, not all PMs I agreed with but I have loved them all including the rude ones, as they all force you to think. There is a saying that if you really want to improve the way you live, ask the ones who doesn’t like you how to. They can and will tell you everything you need to work on to be a better person. It is all good. People that didn’t want to be part of a particular thread still had the need to reach out to try help. Although part of yet another thread, ‘this is want makes CDersDOTcom amazing’ it also belongs in this one.
I can imagine and perceive my way to a happier place and will build on that premise. At 58 yrs old I was cycling hundreds of km per week and went on a 1000km solo cycling ride through the Canadian Rockies over two mountain passes in excess of 2200m in elevation. At age 59 yrs I shot many days back in the mountains both solo and taking fellow photographers with me. I looked for a guy my age who has yet to be found meters from where I shot grizzle bear. This year at 60 yrs, I imagine returning to my bike and being the happiest person I can be. I am TG and I suffer Gender Dysphoria. Are there waves of negative -absolutely? Do I need to transition to be happy? No, I am ok with who I am. I can live ‘uncomfortably’ well as me, ‘til this body dies.
Side note: @melissaK Thank-you for posting. There will be a jilted few that will not believe what they have read in your back story and I thank-you for taking the time to share it.
Am I up for the challenge? You bet!
IamSara
12-19-2011, 01:36 PM
Anne,
I could not have said my feelings any better than what you have said in this thread. Am I up to the challenge? I really don't know. I know that Sara is a my true person and that the male I have lived all these 53 years is the person I have grown to portray and to live with. I would love to be able to really accept the challenge to be Sara in totality not just in mind and in dressing when I can.
kimdl93
12-19-2011, 02:41 PM
So much of what you say resonates with me. I know that for much of my life I wished that this part of me could go away, but although I tried to run away from my transgenderism, I was never able to escape it because it is part of me - not something I can leave behind.
I've found that as I get older, more mature and perhaps more self confident, I'm less willing to hide or deny something intrinsic to my being. Fear is less of a barrier, and fullfillment ever more enticing. Still, with each step towards being more completely out, I wonder how much further I'll be able to go and how quickly I'll get there. Now, my greatest concerns are not with myself, but with how my choices will affect others.
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