Getting into character for your fem side

[StephanieT]

I have been really struggling with dressing and my marriage. I am purely a CD and trying to figure this all out. I have been thinking a lot about why I dress and am wondering if dressing is like an actor who tries to fully become the character they are portraying and that allows them to assume the feeling and become in touch with the person they are portraying. The psychological analysis of dressing is a man trying to find his feminine side. I was always tought to be a man and not have any feelings or cry. Does dressing allow me to be ok with those feelings?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephanie, Welcome to the club if you ever get this figured out Please let the rest of us in on the secret.

Orchid

[docrobbysherry]

I don't know! Does it, Steph?

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hi Stephanie, Welcome to the club if you ever get this figured out Please let the rest of us in on the secret.

Orchid

ditto that, why does it have to be a character or an act ? Sometimes I think it's too easy to get carried away so much that you loose who you are. I say be yourself, find the inner person and look to being the best person you can be.

[Cynthia Anne]

Unless you are referring to me as a charactor! Although I have been called quite a charactor many a times I don't see me getting into charactor when I'm dressing! I'm just being me trying to live life to it's fullest! I've always beet taught that men don't cry also! I've also been taught that cowgirls don't cry! But this one does! Hugs!

[cindy777]

Stephanie,

You are not alone on this one sister, I would like to know that answer as well.

Cindy

[Marleena]

Hi Stephanie, Welcome to the club if you ever get this figured out Please let the rest of us in on the secret.

Orchid

Add me to the list too.:)

Stephanie you have two choices, feel guilty and ashamed all the time or just be yourself. I refuse to beat myself up over something I can't really control. I rather be happy than depressed. There is nothing wrong with you, it's society that has a problem understanding us.

[Karren H]

you over analyze this. No one knows why for sure and if you did find out what good would it do? It wouldn't change a thing in your life going forward... You would still crossdress.... The time spent searching for an answer that doesn't exist is a waste of valuable time. Imho. It adds no shareholder value.... Best accept that you like to do what you like to do and there's nothing wrong with that... I did a decade ago and I have none of those internal struggles I used to have....

[Susan_Xdress]

Hello Stephanie, and welcome to the forum.

You pose an interesting question, and at first glance by some it may well seem that you/we are playing a role. It is a simplistic answer to, ‘why do we cross-dress’. Oh, it is like acting. There is an element of finding something within yourself which you then apply to your character portrayal. You are in the dressing room, you apply your makeup, put on your costume and step out on the stage.

For some the analogy to ‘playing a role’ may work and explain everything, but I have to tell you – I cringe at the whole idea that we are ‘acting’.

I don’t believe that I ever ‘created’ Susan. She was always there. All I did was shine some light upon her and allow her to take her place as a natural part of me. She isn’t an act, she isn’t that studied, she doesn’t read lines and she doesn’t require a back-story. Susan just grew towards the light and became herself.

Does dressing enable your feminine side, yes of course. Do I think you can get lost in all the psycho-babble that surrounds the subject – yes I certainly do. But from my own take on things, you don’t act and you don’t over-analyze. You just allow Stephanie some room and she will speak for herself.

Just my two cents worth

Susan

[ReineD]

I was always tought to be a man and not have any feelings or cry. Does dressing allow me to be ok with those feelings?

Now that you're your own person, can you not disgard what you were taught, and cry when you need to, even if it is privately, or maybe in front of someone you trust and love? Surely they would understand the devastating circumstances that would cause such sadness and they would sympathize with that more than condemn you for crying.

I don't think there's anything wrong with any man (or woman) expressing the full range of human emotion. :hugs:

[Teri Ray]

Oh my I am glad I read this thread. I am so glad to help all of you with the answer you are seeking The answer is simlpy ...........uh errr mmmmm ???. What was the question again?

[StephanieT]

you over analyze this.
I am analyzing this in an effort to provide some answers to my wife who continues to ask questions on why.

[Marleena]

I am analyzing this in an effort to provide some answers to my wife who continues to ask questions on why.

In all honesty there is no known universal answer to why. We just need to do it, even the so-called experts can't tell us why. That's why you are getting the same answers.

[Karren H]

I am analyzing this in an effort to provide some answers to my wife who continues to ask questions on why.

If you tell her the truth.... "Because your driven to". She wouldn't understand it any more than you do....

[LeannL]

Stephanie,

You added this which, to me, changes the nature of your question considerably:


I am analyzing this in an effort to provide some answers to my wife who continues to ask questions on why.

I would answer the question about why, if I were explaining it to another person (especially a SO), by explaining the developing scientific theories. Specifically, gender and sexual orientation separately develop in the brain while the person is still in their mother's womb. The cascade of hormones and other signaling chemicals trigger the development of the parts of the brain that determine gender. The cascade is very complex and the timing needs to be sequenced with precision if one is to end up at the male or female end of the spectrum. Of course, it may not occur correctly and it need not match you genetic gender. Depending upon how the brain develops, one may end up believing that they are the totally opposite gender than their body (transsexual) or have feelings that encompass that of both genders (e.g. crossdresser). In the latter case, the need to feel feminine (e.g. dressing) is sufficient to satisfy the "female" portions of the brain but the need to be male still exists while the former often leads to correcting the body to correct the incongruence.

So, the simple answer is "my brain" is different than most and I need to satisfy its needs. Failure to do so leads to negative consequences such as moodiness, irritability, and depression.

I hope this simple explanation helps out,

Leann

[JennyBeth63]

I'm very much of the same view as Susan. Like everyone else this is just a personal view. I'm me, I'm Jen and have been since ever I can remember. Yes, from when I was very small. I answer equally to both my female and male names. I wear clothes of both gender, often mixing and matching. I don't consciously aim for an androgynous look but that's what happens sometimes. I know some delight in what I see as over analysis of self, if it works for them I have no problem with it. If you are able, try to think of yourself in the round. Dressing is just part of the real you. Be OK with all of your feelings, cry if you want to, I do.

[Miranda09]

I do agree with Karen here. I've tried the analysis bit myself and found that it really isn't important. It's an internal, psychological thing that is an integral part of my persona. When I dress, my full emotions come into play and I get a rush of good feelings.....my whole personality changes. So, yes, when I dress, it is sorta like an actor getting into their role. But, even when I'm not dressing, I tend to harbor a rather complex set of emotions. Is that normal for a man? Very likely is, but we're taught not to express them so much, which is a rather silly social phobia. Basically, it's just too complex a question to resolve with a simple answer. Why we do it is as varied an answer as there are individuals here. It's likely a combination of brain chemistry and genetics, maybe more. Maybe, in order to help your wife understand, invite her onto this site. It's easier for one to address their own questions rather than have someone do it for them. We'd all love to meet her and there are many gg's here who are also looking for answers as well. :)

[JennyBeth63]

Stephanie,
So, the simple answer is "my brain" is different than most and I need to satisfy its needs. Failure to do so leads to negative consequences such as moodiness, irritability, and depression.

I hope this simple explanation helps out,

Leann

Too true Leanne!

I didn't really understand it until I 'came out' to family and friends some five or six years ago. I am so much a different person now. I can't remember the last time I was irritable or moody. I no longer have depression which so many years of my life.

[StephanieT]

Maybe, in order to help your wife understand, invite her onto this site. It's easier for one to address their own questions rather than have someone do it for them. We'd all love to meet her and there are many gg's here who are also looking for answers as well. :)
My wife found this site on her own but will not come back. She was not happy with what she saw here in a quick look.

[Marleena]

Steph maybe this link will help. It's from Tri Ess that helps with these issues.

http://www.tri-ess.org/cd01.html

[IamToni]

I didn't really understand it until I 'came out' to family and friends some five or six years ago. I am so much a different person now. I can't remember the last time I was irritable or moody. I no longer have depression which so many years of my life.

I've have found that acceptance has made a huge difference to my life - i.e. my acceptance of myself and also my wife's acceptance of my feminine side. I find that accepting that I have a softer, more gentle side to my personality (rather than fighting or suppressing it) has enabled me to become more relaxed, less irritable and less angry than before. When dressed en femme I feel totally at peace with the world. For me, this wouldn't have happened without my wonderful wife - to whom I am eternally grateful.

[Miranda09]

My wife found this site on her own but will not come back. She was not happy with what she saw here in a quick look.

Sorry to hear that Stephanie, as a quick look will not express the complexity of the members of this site. Perhaps the link that Marleena provided may help. I think the best approach in your case is to take your time, don't force it upon her, and be patient. I really hope she will come back to this site on her own and take the time to fully understand this community and, in turn, gain a better understanding of this side of your personality. :)

[StephanieT]

She has seen that too.

[Marleena]

She has seen that too.

Are you making any progress at all? Now I remember, you both tried counselling, right?

[StephanieT]

Yes we have both been to counseling. No real progress yet but she keeps asking questions so I view that as good.

[Marleena]

Yes we have both been to counseling. No real progress yet but she keeps asking questions so I view that as good.

That's encouraging! It sounds like her religious views and upbringing are her major obstacles. Keep talking, you probably know by now CDing is a part of you that won't go away. I've heard the book "My husband Betty" is a good resource for explaining CDing.

[Tina B.]

She has been here, and Tri Ess, you have both been to counseling, but still have not found the answers she wants? The answer she is looking for may not be out there. My answer to why is, it makes me happy, and makes me feel complete, and to not dress makes me miserable, and a person hard to be around. Both my wife and I like me a lot more, when I dress from time to time. I would imagine we both would be happy if the need was not there, but it is, so we have made it a part of our lives, because all the rest, makes putting up with one little idiosyncrasy worth it.
Tina B.

[kimdl93]

I don't feel that I'm playing a role at all. I don't try to "act feminine" when I'm dressed anymore than I try to act masculine when I'm en drabb. I'm pretty much the same person all the time.

[abigailf]

I am an engineer and thus I have this inherent need to understand the inner workings of things. Especially things that disrupt my entire life.

I tend to agree with Leann's point on this. I can't say how accurate it is or not, but I like the scientific answer and it satisfies my need to understand.

- I have read that there are common gene sequences in TG's and it is genetic and can be handed down from generation to generation.

- Adding estrogen (or estrodiol) to my system suppresses much of my dysphoria. This tells me there is a chemical in-balance involved and the estrogen satisfies my brains need for it. Hence, my brain, like a female brain requires estrogen.

- Given that multitude of ways people can be born is it so hard to believe that someone could be born as one gender and yet develop the physical characteristics and sexual organs of another?

- There are many genetic traits that don't show up until later years; the need for glasses, balding, moles, arthritis, allergies etc... Gender identity is most likely one of them.

Yes, I realize the things in the last bullet are all negative examples, but let's face it, gender identity is a condition that needs to be handled and for many is not always pleasant. Many of us accept who and what we are. We find pleasure or relief from pain when we dress and that is all good, but for me, honestly, I would prefer not to have the condition in the first place.

Then again, if I didn't I would not know all you great people, and for that my life is enriched.

[ReineD]

My wife found this site on her own but will not come back. She was not happy with what she saw here in a quick look.

I understand why she felt this way, honestly. And I'm sorry.

You need to explain to her there is a wide range of feminine expression, and also personalities. There are many members here who, for a hoot, like to play girly and engage in girly fantasies but your wife doesn't see them log off their computers and go about their very male lives. Others do this just for the sexual gratification. Plus we have many members who are TS and they don't see things the same way a CDer does. And last, please tell your wife there are members here who are gay and bi, just as there are in the non-CD population, in other words being a CDer doesn't mean a person is into men and wants a vagina, no matter what the "fun" threads say.

Please ask your wife to give this forum a second chance, and tell her about our FAB section. You can see it on the Index page, with also a link to instructions for joining. She would need to establish her own account here and post ten times outside of any intro sections though.

[suchacutie]

Hi Stephanie,

I, too, was a "guy" for most of my life (55 years) when my wife and I discovered Tina one morning. We were both a bit shocked that she existed, but we both recognized her suddenly and our curiosity as to who she is was intense. So, here is the key:

Tina is a part of me and it became instantly clear that if we were to understand who I was as a person, who I had been, and who I might be in the future, we needed to understand Tina's role!!! My wife and I are both scientists and Tina instantly became a research project; a very important research project. So, we handled it like any other research project. We funded it as best we could. We read the literature (and this site is a prime source). We tried to understand the breath of the project and the "prior art" (i.e. what everyone else has done, both reasonable and unreasonable). You might tell your wife that we found some of the "prior art" objectionable, and just don't go there.

On the other hand, a lot of the information made it clear that we are who we are, and if a part of our brains are hard-wired in a feminine way, there is no way to undo those circuits. From our perspective, the best way to handle the issue is to explore it. It is, after all, a terrific adventure! We felt that the only way to explore it is to let Tina have the life she needs. My biline is "Making a life for Tina" and we aren't kidding. If you and your wife want to know who you are, is there really any other way?

By the way, your wife may really like your femme side once you both get to know her. My wife looked at me the other day and said, "Tina is just so sweet". I think that most of our femme selves fall into that category!

Best of luck, and if you wife would like to PM me, I'd be glad to correspond with her with any questions she might have:)

tina

[Chickhe]

The closest I have come to understanding myself is this is an escape/vacation although I admit I don't know why exactly. My mind plays tricks on me...sometimes I look in the mirror and see a woman...other times a guy in a dress (I doubt my appearance changes as drastically as my thoughts), but when in the zone all my worries are gone. What has really cured me, is accepting it, not feeling bad about it and just being me and not letting anyone else's attitude bother me. What would help both you and your wife would be to just accept it and find a way to enjoy it. I'm not exactly out, but I do dress up once a year with my wife and go out in public to parties...we laugh together about the experiences. At this point, I feel I could pack it all up and call it quits (because I've answered most of the questions I had by exploring it)finding some other activity, but I do enjoy the challenge still and I am kind of facinated by the transformation. What I agree with on the acting is it does take a lot of mental concentration to act and feel feminine, to get all the body movements, voice, attitude etc...

[Acastina]

I would answer the question about why, if I were explaining it to another person (especially a SO), by explaining the developing scientific theories. Specifically, gender and sexual orientation separately develop in the brain while the person is still in their mother's womb. The cascade of hormones and other signaling chemicals trigger the development of the parts of the brain that determine gender. The cascade is very complex and the timing needs to be sequenced with precision if one is to end up at the male or female end of the spectrum. Of course, it may not occur correctly and it need not match you genetic gender. Depending upon how the brain develops, one may end up believing that they are the totally opposite gender than their body (transsexual) or have feelings that encompass that of both genders (e.g. crossdresser). In the latter case, the need to feel feminine (e.g. dressing) is sufficient to satisfy the "female" portions of the brain but the need to be male still exists while the former often leads to correcting the body to correct the incongruence.

So, the simple answer is "my brain" is different than most and I need to satisfy its needs. Failure to do so leads to negative consequences such as moodiness, irritability, and depression.

I hope this simple explanation helps out,

Leann

Leann, that's an excellent summary of the theories that I have also attempted to set forth succinctly. I might add that all zygotes begin as female, and that males must differentiate in utero. My conclusion? Differentiation is complicated and difficult, even if the result almost always ends up within the bulge of a bell curve; we're the fringes of the curve. That would explain why so many more men than women end up in prison, homeless, addicted, and so forth. It takes female zygotes less work to develop to the finished product, so less can go wrong. It would also explain why TG behaviors are more prevalent among males (although social acceptance can easily mask the TG characteristics of, say, plain butch females).

Why are there so many variations? Easy. The complicated differentiation process can go awry in a lot of different ways that produce different results. Effeminate gay men. Hyper-macho gay men. Heterosexual CDs. Homosexual CDs. Fetishists of all kinds. The list is lengthy, but the common thread is that some part of the brain's "wiring" is other than "normal". Say 500 neural connections make up the gender identity circuits. What happens if numbers 23, 78, 129, 387, etc, are misconnected somehow? Science just isn't nearly that far along yet, but the theory explains both the existence and the variability of such anomalies, something that cannot be said of cruder physiological theories or purely psychological theories ("nurture").

What explains female anomalies? Partial differentiation, whether of orientation or identity.

I don't see this inquiry as desperately seeking justification for what we just happen to do without prompting and despite social conditioning against it. I accepted that this is who I am and what I do a long time ago, but it would certainly be nice to be able to credibly assert that it is no less moral nor under our control than left-handedness or red hair.

Annie

[Lorileah]

My wife found this site on her own but will not come back. She was not happy with what she saw here in a quick look.

Parable time? Once there was a person who needed a drink of water. They found a stream bubbling from the rocks. They tried it right at the source and its coldness made their lips tingle and gave them a headache. They could not quench their thirst but could not drink any more. They noticed that further down there was a pool where the water had gathered, they tried there and it was stale and murky. Again their thirst wasn't slaked. They decided that no matter what they would rather be thirsty and the moved on when part way between both was cool clear water.

Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Especially when you EXPECT them to not be the answer you want or if they REINFORCE the answer you expect. Even coming here several times a day there is no way I can taste every part of this stream. I scan the titles, I read the ones which seem to be interesting to me and skip others. I am sure that I miss some very interesting threads. I know I read some very frivolous threads. I probably even started some :)

But there is a deeper area here. If all you expect is certain threads that is what you will find. The FAB's may be able to direct you to threads that may be more informative to your wife in the public areas. Beyond that maybe she can wade through 10 posts and get into the FAB area where she can read threads that share her anxieties and fears and give some direction to help her, not understand because we don't understand it ourselves, but at least see a new perspective. But she has to want to see this. Her asking questions is good but you don't have the answers. None of us have the whole puzzle but if we share we can get an idea of what the picture is.

[Kelly DeWinter]

My wife found this site on her own but will not come back. She was not happy with what she saw here in a quick look.

Probably one of the best books out there for you wife to read is "My husband betty" more so since it was written by a GG

[ReineD]

By the way, your wife may really like your femme side once you both get to know her. My wife looked at me the other day and said, "Tina is just so sweet".

Tina, I'm curious. If your wife hadn't approached your situation scientifically the way you describe, if she had immediately expressed queasiness over the thought of having her husband express femininity, and if she had come into this forum, read the threads that frighten most GGs and had become convinced that CDers for the most part want to have sex with men, want to become women, or are sexual fetishists, how do you think you would have handled this?

I agree that Stephanie's wife may eventually come to appreciate Stephanie's softer side over time. But how might Stephanie handle it until then?

If I were a CDer in Stephanie's shoes, I would sit down right next to my wife and read the threads TOGETHER. I would discuss at length everything we read, and I'd give her my opinion especially on the more contentious threads. I'd compare and contrast. If I thought some of the CDers here are lost in a fantasy land, I'd certainly say so. lol. I'd also point out the differences between the TSs and the CDers. And I'd be sure to tell my wife that I am not gay, do not want a vagina, and do not want to have sex with men.

[Annaliese2010]

EVeryone is in 'character', transgendered or not. The persona we assume has an essential 'falseness' about it since most every person fails to understand or Realize their own essential...for want of a better term... 'Divinity'. Imho

[StephanieT]

Probably one of the best books out there for you wife to read is "My husband betty" more so since it was written by a GG
I have not read the book but after watching this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHowP_dBoCc
I am not sure that the book would be helpful.

My wife also went to her DR. yesterday to get a prescription to help her with her anxiety and freeking out about dressing. Not sure what to think. Will the drugs only mask the problem.

[ReineD]

My wife also went to her DR. yesterday to get a prescription to help her with her anxiety and freeking out about dressing. Not sure what to think. Will the drugs only mask the problem.

One of the reasons for freaking out is not understanding what this is all about and imagining the worst. It's hard for any CDer, out of the blue, to reach down deeply and put into words what has been repressed for so long. So sometimes it's just plain easier to go off of someone else's post and say, "yes, this describes me", or "NO! This is not what I'm about AT ALL!"

Also, if you follow my earlier suggestion and read & discuss the posts here with your wife, this will help her to voice what it is exactly about the CDing that frightens her as well. You may well discover that she is OK with some things but not others. This is only my suggestion, but at least it could be a beginning for you and your wife to come to terms with the situation.

[Marleena]

@ Steph, based on your previous posts, and her need to medicate I fear she will never be able to accept the CDing. I don't think she will ever be able to get past her religious beliefs and upbringing. You must prepare for this. It does however tell me that she loves you and wants the marriage to work. I think she just wants you to be cured and make it go away.

I have a feeling if you pursue your Cding life will be a nightmare for both of you. You need to look for a compromise, and definitely back off for a bit. It could come down to you stopping Cding if that's possible.

[suchacutie]

Hi Reine,

Good questions you asked. Basically, what if the presence of me dressed in clearly feminine attire had not gone well, with all the details you mentioned. A number of possibilities come to mind. Since I was completely uncertain at that moment where we were going with my feminine self, I might have laughed it off as an idea that wasn't going anywhere. Except, that's not the way my wife and I act toward each other. She and I have had a long standing agreement that any topic can be "taken off the shelf" for discussion, with the total acceptance of the fact that after the discussion that topic could be put back on the self with no ramifications at all. In that way we are able to bring up ideas that we either accept, reject, or put off for further discussion if either one of us wants to reopen that discussion.

My strong feeling is that if the initial appearance of Tina had gone badly, that topic would have been shelved for further discussion when we had time to develop more perspective. We do that a lot and I don't see how this would be any different.

That said, the discussion we had evolved very quickly (within hours since we were in a car for two hours after Tina's appearance) to establish that I was not interested in men, that I did not want to change my gender, that I acknowledged both of our sexual preferences were not changing, and that I would be "male" whenever she needed that side of me. That's a pretty solid groundwork and from that groundwork we started to be curious about how my newly discovered gendered selves had played a part in my life to that point. Our curiosity just got the best of us and off we went! :)

That lack of curiosity is what I am surprised about the most when I read about some of the difficult interpersonal issues that develop and are reported here. I just can't imagine not wanting to know about myself and about my spouse. That's why I married her :) and she tells me it is the same for her. There are so many positive aspects of looking at the world from both genders!

tina

[StephanieT]

I am more and more convinced that my wife just wants me to be cured and she gets her old husband back. The anger, the verbal lashings, the mood swings have almost pushed me over the edge. My psychologist is concerned for my mental and physical health. I am depressed, no energy, tired and just not in a good mood. Not a good way to be during the Christmas season.

[Marleena]

I am more and more convinced that my wife just wants me to be cured and she gets her old husband back. The anger, the verbal lashings, the mood swings have almost pushed me over the edge. My psychologist is concerned for my mental and physical health. I am depressed, no energy, tired and just not in a good mood. Not a good way to be during the Christmas season.

I totally understand Steph, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer but it doesn't look promising. Back off for a bit my friend, give it some time.

[Roberta Lynn]

I have to echo Marleena's post above. Hopefully she will want to learn more as time goes by.

As far as your own well being goes, in one of your other post you said you have family that loves you and supports who you are. Time to lean on that love and support a little. We all need a shoulder to lean on once and a while. Also don't forget it may not be as good as the real thing but you have a lot of virtual shoulders to lean on here.
:hugs:

[Melody1985]

Dressing allows you to do whatever you want. It doesn't change anything really. For example, there are homosexual males who are very feminine, but dress like me. So it doesn't matter what they wear.

Another example.. Having a good paying job would allow you to take care of all your responsibilities, but you could also throw your money away on crap.

So If you want to act more feminine, you dont need to dress, however it does give you an excuse to do so, and honestly feels more appropriate when in female attire.

[Contessa]

I don't think that there is a psychological answer to why we do this. I do it because it is a habit that I contracted long ago. Once you do it once you can't quit. Why would I want to quit something as harmless as putting on some clothes. Oh the feeling you get when, hey wait a minute don't try to trick me. Don't women always talk about their feelings. How did I get this feeling issue. Maybe from kissing women. I will consider continuing to kiss them to find out if that is it. I will get back to you with more data. I might even put on the lipstick myself to encourage the research. Yeah just hang in there I will put it all together. Should I wear a skirt or a dress, pantyhose or no. Hey trying to trick me again. Which one of us is the woman. She'll have to wear the dress and not one of mine either.

The part I want to know is when women wear masculine clothes do they wonder why? Please see if you can get that answer for me. I still need some pink panties, I don't have any. Should I wonder if I should go to Target or JCPenney. Or can I afford Victoria Secret? It's according to what you like. Some time that is the answer to everything.

Tess

[docrobbysherry]

Stephanie, please don't take this wrong. But, it sounds as if u BOTH need your space rite now! Of course, if u have children, separating may not be possible.

However, I strongly recommend separating for ANYONE in your situation! U can dress when U like and put that in proper perspective. She won't see or know what you're doing. U can BOTH see how u feel about each other while apart. That could determine whether u should get back together or NOT!

Been there and I'm divorced now.

[Julie8181]

I second what Leann said. I think the best developed theory that fits everything else we know about biology and (empirical) psychology is the one that you find in developmental psychobiology.
Stephanie,

You added this which, to me, changes the nature of your question considerably:



I would answer the question about why, if I were explaining it to another person (especially a SO), by explaining the developing scientific theories. Specifically, gender and sexual orientation separately develop in the brain while the person is still in their mother's womb. The cascade of hormones and other signaling chemicals trigger the development of the parts of the brain that determine gender. The cascade is very complex and the timing needs to be sequenced with precision if one is to end up at the male or female end of the spectrum. Of course, it may not occur correctly and it need not match you genetic gender. Depending upon how the brain develops, one may end up believing that they are the totally opposite gender than their body (transsexual) or have feelings that encompass that of both genders (e.g. crossdresser). In the latter case, the need to feel feminine (e.g. dressing) is sufficient to satisfy the "female" portions of the brain but the need to be male still exists while the former often leads to correcting the body to correct the incongruence.

So, the simple answer is "my brain" is different than most and I need to satisfy its needs. Failure to do so leads to negative consequences such as moodiness, irritability, and depression.

I hope this simple explanation helps out,

Leann

[suchacutie]

Stephanie, you mentioned recently that you feel your wife wants "her husband back". One important thing is that she never lost her husband, and that he has always been a mix of the genders that are now known to be expressed. In one sense, all you are doing is showing that side of you to her directly :)

tina

[StephanieT]

Last night we actually had an adult conversation on the topic. I asked her what her worst fear was about me crossdressing was. My wife said she did not want to have intimate relations with me while I was dressed. She was 100% convinced that crossdressing was totally sexual and that I wanted her to have a lesbian affiar with the other me. I assured her that having sex with me dressed was not at all what my desires are about. I can see where my wife got that idea after reading some of the posts here and other sites. I guess we have some progress.
We will also be seperating for a while. I am going to our other home for a few weeks.

[Marleena]

That's good news Steph! At least there is still communication. The getting away from each other sounds like a good idea too as long as you keep in touch by phone.

My wife is fully accepting, CDing does not go to the bedroom in our relationship. I know she doesn't want it as part of our sex life, after all she married a man.

[ReineD]

Last night we actually had an adult conversation on the topic. I asked her what her worst fear was about me crossdressing was. My wife said she did not want to have intimate relations with me while I was dressed. She was 100% convinced that crossdressing was totally sexual and that I wanted her to have a lesbian affiar with the other me. I assured her that having sex with me dressed was not at all what my desires are about. I can see where my wife got that idea after reading some of the posts here and other sites. I guess we have some progress.

That's good news. :)

Just make sure to keep the communication going. You wife told you her biggest fear, but I'm guessing there are more. So after the holidays when things calm down a bit, and if the two of you find it difficult to know where to start when talking about this, you might want to consider coming here with your wife and reading some of the posts in the M2F, to just get to the bottom of all her fears. You'll be surprised what comes up when the two of you are reading them together.