When I tell my parents Im transl, is it advised against me having a friend with me?

[Melissa Jill]

My best friend, shes been so supportive. It doesn't even seem to bother her at all that Im like this. I want her with me when I tell my parents, but I don't want to seem like Im ambushing my parents. But maybe she can help them to understand how I feel?

[AllieSF]

Melissa, if having her with you makes it easier, that is what you should do. I think that it is a great idea. Good luck.

[Sharon]

I would prefer to do it myself, but if your friend is that supportive and can help you better explain things (or makes you more comfortable) then I say why not. I didn't have that close a friend when I spoke with family and others, so I didn't have that option. Even so, I probably would have soloed.

[Rianna Humble]

Only you know your parents well enough to say how they would react to your news and whether having a friend with you would help them to accept, but my instinct would be to suggest that you tell them alone and (if possible) face to face. There is nothing wrong with having your friend nearby, but I feel that this probably needs to be personal between you and your parents.

When I was preparing to tel my (then) 88 year old dad, I got a lot of useful advice from the thread about how to tell your partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841)

One thing I know helped my dad was stressing that there was nothing that he or my mum could have done differently.

After you have told them, then I think it may well be helpful to offer to let them meet and talk to your friend.

Hope this helps. Whatever you choose, I hope it goes well for you :hugs:

[Chickhe]

Your parents may be insulted and feel reluctant to respond honestly if your 'outsider' friend is there. ...maybe have your friend on standby in case you need a shoulder to cry on after...

[Hope]

Only you know your parents well enough to make this call.

But I don't think I would do it. I think the presence of a third person would send the wrong message, like you don't trust them, or like you need back-up It may also stifle a good conversation. There are things I don't talk about in front of friends, that I talk with my partner about... they may feel like they have similar questions and not want to talk around someone they don't have a close relationship with.

The truth is, you should get used to putting other people's feelings first when it comes to comfort and trans issues. To an extent. This is very weird for a lot of people (for a lot of us) and being mindful of their needs will make you a much more well received (to say nothing of gracious) tranny. But this is the one exceptions to that general guideline. When you come out, you get to be selfish and in total control if you need to be.

If you afraid of your parent's reactions, do it in a public place, but one that allows for some privacy, like a quiet restaurant.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The girls are right...

You have to guess what your parents will say... and tailor how you talk to them.

It may even be better to tell one first and then move on to the next for example.

[Amber99]

I wouldn't do it unless you really feel you need to, but if you do feel you need to because you are too afraid to do it otherwise then go ahead.

It also very much depends on what your parents are like.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Don't do this Melissa.

This is an extremely personal issue just not with yourself but with your parents.
If I was told by a child of mine extremely personal information about themselves and their was a stranger there I would become extremely upset.
I believe that this reaction would be shared by the majority of the public concerning something like this.

This is not the time to have someone with you.

It is the time to stop being scared, put on your big girl panties and tell your parents.

What Hope wrote here is extremely important concerning putting others feeling ahead of your own when it comes to disclosing who and what you are.

This will come back to you in spades.

DO NOT BRING YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia

[Melissa Jill]

Yea, I thought it might be a bad idea, thanks. But Rianna brings up a good idea

"but my instinct would be to suggest that you tell them alone and (if possible) face to face."

I could totally do this over the phone. "Mum, Dad, Im Transexual" *click* conversation over. Brilliant. (Im joking by the way)

[Brynn_A]

Melissa, as Julia said..hike 'em up and be a big girl. I know you can do this. I only wish that I had had the opportunity and courage.

[Melissa Jill]

To quote zombieland "Its time to nut up or shut up"

[IamSara]

I agree with the rest of the girls here. Alone is the only way to do this.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Well, I am not going to repeat what others have said...or am I? Don't do it that way Melissa. Your parents regardless of their reaction or acceptance will respect you more for having the courage to talk to them face-to-face alone. You too will respect yourself for having that courage no matter what happens. At least you did it the right way.

I was a coward and never told my parents. They went to their graves never knowing, well at least not from me. But my situation was different than most as I was verbally, physically, and sexually abused up until about 17 when I was old enough to run away from home 100th time but for good that last time. I never looked back and have no regrets about telling my parents.

SO count your blessings that you at least have loving parents and they desire to hear this news in private from their new daughter.

[Hope]

To quote zombieland "Its time to nut up or shut up"

Or to quote "The Book of Mormon" (the broadway musical):

"'Cuz there's a time in your lifeWhen you know you've got to
MAN UP.
Don't let it pass you by, There's just one time to
MAN UP.
Watch me man up like Nobody else!
I'm gonna man up all Over myself!"

[Badtranny]

Melissa, (what a beautiful name) ;-)

Ever see a boxer get in the ring with his buddy? This is a journey we all make together, but we each walk alone. You are about to embark on a path that will require ALL of your courage and personal power. Friends are wonderful, (most of mine should apply for sainthood when this is done), but most of the obstacles you encounter, the really tough ones, you will have to deal with all by yourself. You might as well get used to that idea. ;-)

[kellycan27]

Melissa, if having her with you makes it easier, that is what you should do. I think that it is a great idea. Good luck.

I agree..if it makes things easier for you.. go for it. The bottom line here is that you "are" telling your parents which will be a big step. Just the fact that you are telling them is "manning" or "nutting" up.. no matter how you go about doing it. Once you drop this little bomb shell, you could be standing next to JC himself, and your folks probably wouldn't even notice he was there. Having a friend standing next to you is going to be the least of their concerns.. trust me on this one.


Ever see a boxer get in the ring with his buddy? This is a journey we all make together, but we each walk alone. You are about to embark on a path that will require ALL of your courage and personal power. Friends are wonderful, (most of mine should apply for sainthood when this is done), but most of the obstacles you encounter, the really tough ones, you will have to deal with all by yourself. You might as well get used to that idea. ;-)

The boxer's buddy may not be in the ring throwing punches, but he's gonna be standing right there next to him in the corner.. not a phone call away. i agree that there are going to be a lot of things that we have have to suffer through alone, but why suffer through them alone if we don't have to? IMHO I think that what the OP needs to get used to is the fact that along the way she is going to have to make a lot of decisions that are going to cause herself and others some discomfort, and that there going to be a lot of times that she can't soften the blow. Why do we have to sacrifice our comfort for fear of making someone else uncomfortable?

Kel

[Badtranny]

Why do we have to sacrifice our comfort for fear of making someone else uncomfortable?

Um, good question. I don't have an answer dammit.

Please re-read my post and try harder to pretend I'm right. ;-)

[Amber99]

Yea, I thought it might be a bad idea, thanks. But Rianna brings up a good idea

"but my instinct would be to suggest that you tell them alone and (if possible) face to face."

I could totally do this over the phone. "Mum, Dad, Im Transexual" *click* conversation over. Brilliant. (Im joking by the way)

I told my mom over the phone. I just couldn't do it in person. Even then it took a ton of psyching up from my best friend.

[kellycan27]

Um, good question. I don't have an answer dammit.

Please re-read my post and try harder to pretend I'm right. ;-)

i didn't think you were wrong, I just had a different opinion.

[Badtranny]

i didn't think you were wrong, I just had a different opinion.

Oh I know sweet pea. I was just ribbin' ya.

[Aprilrain]

My wife and sisters offered to go with me when telling my parents, I declined. I felt that this was something that I needed to do alone. I didn't want my parents to feel ganged up on, I didn't want there to be any reason for my parents (OK really my dad) to dislike my wife or think she's crazy or whatever and I didn't want someone else to speak for me (my wife has a knack for opening her mouth when she should probably keep it shut)

[Bree-asaurus]

Everyone I told, I told by myself. I never even considered having someone with me.

If you feel like you need someone with you, that's cool I guess... but coming out is a VERY personal thing and something that you need to be ready to do and ready to accept the consequences.

I came out to people one-on-one so it was personal... the way it should be when revealing something like this (imo).

I wouldn't tell both of my parents at the same time. And if I felt like I needed someone to be there for me while telling one parent, I would reconsider the timing... maybe I'm not ready... etc.

[Jorja]

Melissa, I think you have to do whatever you feel most comfortable with. If a friend being there is what it takes, then so be it. I do think if your friend is there, she should remain silent until you have had your say. One way or another your parents have to be told. I told everyone by myself because that is the way I felt it should be done. Out of all the nasty little tasks we have to endure to be ourselves, telling my parents was the most difficult for me.

I wish you all the best in this endeavor.

[abigailf]

Having someone with you is not a bad idea if;
- that person is well known and trusted by your parents
- they are completely supportive
- and they will not speak unless spoken to.

I have told my brother and plan to tell my sister next. I will then tell my mother with them present (assuming they both support me). She is the only one I plan to tell with others in the know present. Everyone else is planned as a one on one or me on multiples.

People tend to borrow social cues from others, so if someone with you does not "gasp!" then your parents may not have an instinct to "gasp!"

You can even take the approach;

"I have something to tell you all. I already started to tell {insert names} but want to let everyone know everything..."

Good luck

[Kelly DeWinter]

Having someone with you is an extreamly good idea, people usually do not get upset when others are around. If you parents are easily upset then having somone along will keep tempers down.