Told my SO

[Anna M]

So I finally worked up the courage to tell my SO that I am on the trans spectrum. Zie took the news fairly well, and made the point of repeating several times that no matter what happens and what I decide to do in the future, zie loves me. So at least in terms of the initial reaction, things are going well and zie seems to be very supportive.

Soooo... that's one big step done. *big anxious sigh*

To reward myself, I put on some new dangly earrings and went on an online shopping trip and bought some (very boring, because I want to be sure of sizing before spending $$$) panties for underdressing and a makeup kit to start experimenting and practicing so that when I do start serious makeup shopping, I know what kinds of colors work for me. These were things I didn't want to start doing until my SO knew why I am doing these things - now that the cat's out of the bag, I'm going to start working on figuring out just exactly who it is I really am.

Despite my anxiety, I'm looking forward to the adventure!

[Starling]

Good luck, Anna. You've already accomplished one of the tougher steps. I hope it continues to go well between you.

:) Lallie

[Eryn]

A good first step, but now you need to be especially sensitive to her needs and feelings. You've lived with this for a long time, she's just had the whole thing dropped on her at once. This isn't a one-step deal!

It's very likely that she is in "emergency mode", saying whatever she thinks will keep the ship afloat while she figures out what she can and should do. This is the time for you to be very supportive and attentive. She has a lot of unanswered questions and you need to be there to help her through this time.

This is not the time to dive into a pink fog. Shut down the shopping spree and pay attention to the important thing, your relationship with your spouse. Please listen to the voice of experience. I made the mistake of going too far too fast and caused my wife unneeded distress. Even a supportive spouse needs time to get their mind around the concept of crossdressing and you need to give her the time and support to become comfortable with it. Later there will be plenty of time for you to explore yourself!

Eryn

[kristinacd55]

Congratulations Anna.....just don't go overboard! I'm sure you'll be getting that advice :)

[Melody Moore]

If your partner is truly fully supportive then you are truly lucky. However it is still only
very early since you told her, so it is impossible to tell how things are going to work
out because it is far too early at this stage. The reality of your transition hasn't hit
home with her yet, but you can rest assured that it will because partners will also
go through their own transitions both sexually and socially and that is where the real
problems begin.

For your partner to stay in a relationship with you, it will mean that she has to become
a lesbian which she might not be willing to do. Also it means that she has to come out
as a lesbian to family and friends and she might be rejected by them because of her
relationship with you. These are all things that she might not be prepared to deal with.
Her friends are going to run you down to her and many might try to encourage her to
leave you. Other men will use this as an opportunity to further their own agenda with
your partner and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

So I would not be celebrating in anyway about coming out yet. I got back together with
my ex-girlfriend after I started transitioning until the reality about what I was doing finally
hit home. Being in a lesbian relationship is bad enough, but with a transsexual is even worse.

[Anna M]

Thank you all for the warnings; I will do my best to heed them. My SO is bisexual, and it turns out zie has dated at least one trans person before, so I am hopeful. However, I am not counting on everything going smoothly! It was a lot for me to absorb when the mental pieces fell into place, and it will take the SO a while to let this news sink in, too.

(Yes, I am still braced for the possibility of everything falling apart. Hopefully not Achebe style...)

[Melody Moore]

Anna,

One thing does worry me with bisexual women because I also know of a few who have
already had relationships with other women, only to discover they prefer to be with a
man more often than they want to be with another woman. So casual is often OK.

I also found out that the idea of a relationship with a pre-op trans woman seemed like a
great idea at first to a couple of bisexual women I met who thought having a relationship
with me would give them the best of both worlds - until I reminded them that I wasn't a
male and that my intention was to have gender reassignment surgery. So that changed
the dynamics of everything because eventually it would only be lesbian type sex involved
when they are looking for heterosexual sex.

Its a similar story with male tranny chasers as well who I believe are really gay men, they
love you until you talk about having your penis removed and then it is all over. I also seen
this happen with a couple where the guy was gay and the girl was trans. After her surgery
he wanted nothing more to do with her. And this is why its still going to take sometime to
really know how willing your partner is to stand by you. I hope she does stay with you because
finding someone who is that open and supportive is really a rare treasure that's so hard to find.

Good luck, I really hope this works out, so please keep us posted :hugs:

[IamSara]

I couldn't agree more with the comments that others have made to you Anna. I am glad and proud that you came out to your SO. It is a hard thing to do. But take it slow and make sure you are always open to her, to listen to her (word will not always be what you need to listen to), and above all love her. She is going through an extremely tough time realizing that the man she married is not who she knew and loved. I am going through this now and it is tough. My SO is trying to understand, reading, reading and more reading, and still trying to love me and the man she married. Just keep her informed of what you are doing and why.
I wish the best for you and your wife.

[Jordie]

I could not agree more with Eryn. This is the time to stop a little, taste the waters and proceed cautiously without causing much ripples in her already not so much calmed waters.

Congrats in your first step!

[kimdl93]

my advice is to take her at her word, and be very grateful for her tolerance, support and affection. But don't stop with being grateful. Make darned sure that you are focused first on her needs, her feelings. The surest way to sour a relationship, regardless of gender orientation, is to become so focused on your own wants/needs that you begin to neglect hers.

[Krystyna_Marie]

I have experienced also some blowback from my SO, who felt that the fact that I have been wrestling with who and what I am since I was very young, that there is some betrayal of trust involved, in the form of a material omission -- I did not tell her anything about my childhood and adolescent dalliances with crossdressing before we married, back when we dated and courted, CDing was not present in my life even as an infrequent curiosity. May or may not be relevant for you, but if there was any secrecy about this, there was betrayal on a certain level - something to watch out for. When you get to talking with her about it, answering questions about what you're feeling, be sensitive that she could be feeling wounded (how would you feel, right?).

Kisses - KM

[ashlylynn]

Glad that went well...but what did you buy to reward your supportive SO ? Did she get earrings, too? Flowers?

??

[ReneeT]

Ladies, just a quick note on pronouns, since many of us are sensitive to them: Anna referred to her SO as "zie", not she. The correct object, then, is "hir", not "her"

[IamSara]

Ladies, just a quick note on pronouns, since many of us are sensitive to them: Anna referred to her SO as "zie", not she. The correct object, then, is "hir", not "her"

Thanks for the correction Renee you are so right. I apologize to Anna for using the incorrect object when I made a comment on her post. Thanks again!!! We learn something new everyday, I hope.