Sisters' comments are hurtful

[Katelyn B]

Well, it appears in my short time hear the only time I start a post is to rant about something, and this is no different.

Anyway, Christmas day I'm at my parents house (staying for the week since it's traditional the family gathers at this time of year) along with my sister and her husband. We're doing the exchange of gifts and when I hand my sister her gift she notices my nails, which are quite long and (I think) rather pretty. Since my family don't know about Katelyn I'm in guy mode for the week.

Well, she loudly explains that my talons are creepy. I don't know why she just noticed as they've been like this for at least two years, and she hasn't noticed that my arms are completely hairless and my eybrows are in far too neat a condition for an adverage man.

Anyway, over christmas dinner she continues to go on about how they make me look girly and creepy and weird etc.

This was quite hurtful and another setback in my dream of ever comming out to my fmaily and also a little upsetting because whilst I could understand girly and possible funny, creepy makes her feelings quite clear, that she considers men with long nails as unacceptable in (what is her view) normal society.

To keep the peace I didn't say anything about it (though I did mention it in another thread hear).

Well, tonight, she and her husband came over to my parents for dinner and to play a game (Dominion, really excellent game by the way).

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations.

Of course, once again I find this to be hurtful but the level hse has taken it to makes wonder if

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it


Grrrrrrrrrrrr


Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I'll be seeing her oce more before I leave and am tempted to take her aside and have a quite word, but am not sure how far to go with what I say.

I would love to come out to her, but don't want to if she isn't gong to accpet me, and from her comments i don't hold out much hope of that at the moment

Thanks for letting me rant

/Katie

XXX

[Stephenie S]

Do I have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Yeah, a couple.

You need to "come out" to her. She hasn't a clue what's going on and you, having not said a word to her, are guessing what she is thinking? Doesn't that seem a bit F'ed up to you? You won't tell her what's going on and now you are trying to guess what SHE'S thinking about you.

Either tell her and get it out in the open or stop trying to figure out what she is thinking about something she knows nothing about. Talk about the blind leading the blind, here.

If she has always been kind and supportive, then give her the benefit of the doubt and have that little talk. You don't have to get into it too deeply. I dunno. Tell her you are "exploring your feminine side", or some other innocuous tidbit, and leave it at that.

S

[DanaR]

Until this situation, how has your relationship with her gone? Do you always fight or bicker? If you are always bickering, then maybe this is just her. If you normally get along okay, there might be something going on in her life that she is struggling with. I think that maybe a talk with her is in order. Ask her and tell her how you felt.

It might not be time to tell her though.

[kimdl93]

I don't know about your relationship with your sister - but siblings sometimes revert to almost childish behavir when they're together with their family of origin. Did your sister needle you as a child...if so, this might be a continuation of that behavior.

Outside the dynamic of the nuclear family, she may behave differently.

Now, my thought is that if you want to remain in the closet, you will be having a problem with telltale nails and brows. If you want to come out, then I'd talk to her. I wouldn't just try to pull her aside for a brief word - make a lunch date with her - someplace and time where you'll have time to talk things over. And prepare well in advance to address all of those silly stereotypical ideas.

[Christinedreamer]

ANY reference to being a "kiddie fiddler" would have garnered a rather pointed response from me. Some things are NEVER OK to even joke about and that is one. Just tell her to quit beating around the bush and say what is on her mind. Correct any misconnceptions she has and failing that, I would tell her to mind her own business.

[suchacutie]

You might try, "so what's your issue?"

or, "I just don't understand what your problem is"

or, "they've been this way for such a long time and you only notice now?"

The key here is to turn it back on her in some way, and then let her off the hook. I'm also interested that you haven't mentioned that anyone else has said anything. Are they embarassed at her rudeness? Depending upon your situation you could also say, "are you always this rude or am I just special"...then smile!

tina

[whowhatwhen]

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words).

I would call her out on that, not only is it hurtful in the worst way I would imagine it to be insulting to victims of child abuse. (on principal, not directed at anyone)
Just tell her it's not 1950 and that you like your nails and that's all that matters.

[Annie D]

Merry Christmas and I'm happy for you that you get to spend some time with your family. There is some obvious competition going on between your sister and you for your parent's attention. I think because you are spending the holidays living at your parent's that she feels somehow cheated during the holidays. I know that it doesn't seem like it but I think that there might be some jealousness it her harsh observations and the fact that she has brought it to everyone's attention several times is a good indication that she is doing everything she can to get under your skin. Unless your parents are totally blind, they are aware of the condition of your nails and although you don't say anything about their feelings, I can only assume that they are on board with you and your fashion style. It might be the time to ask your mom what she thinks about your nails and anything else you feel like asking. Have a safe holiday and a great New Year.

[KellyJameson]

Scary that she would accuse you of having the potential to sexually harm a child if I understand your wording of "kiddie fillder", that is a very serious and dangerous accusation. Anyone who casually can make this accusation even in a joking manner seems to be incapable of empathy and compassion and in my opinion not worthy of your consideration. In my opinion you are a victim of emotional abuse by your sister. Sorry to be so forceful in my wording I know it is none of my business but this type of cruelty enrages me.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Tell her loudly (in front of everyone so they hear it) that if she makes another comment equating you to a child molester you are going to pack your things and leave (and do so if she does it again.) Turn the negative attention back at her where it belongs. (eg. "Your big mouth made your brother leave! How dare you!")
Next year, tell your parents you will not come and stay a week for Christmas if she is there (stay a day or afternoon instead.)

She does not have to like your long nails, but the comment about being a child molester is WAY WAY below the belt (especially if she said it in front of others) and I would not tolerate it.

[SandraAbsent]

If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance.

Acceptance comes from understanding. I agree with what has been said here in that trying to guess what each other is thinking is the blind leading the blind. The very first family member I came out to was my sister. She had already questioned things like why I groom my brows, why I shaved my legs, and so on. I had fear beyond fear, but was forced into the situation when I needed her to tend to my house while I was in the hospital. A house that at this point was covered with girl stuff :) What was her reaction? "Mehhh no big deal, my best friends dad is fully transitioned and is now Eddie instead of Ed." Needless to say, all my fears were unfounded, you just never know. What I was good at doing, was explaining to her the "Why?" So that she understood that it wasn't just a fetish or fling. This is how I have approached everyone I have come out to and forward. I now live full time with the exception of work, and as of January 3rd, I will be out at work. This has been my biggest challenge yet and has involved not only coming out to my co-workers, but also every single one of my 40-50 clients. My approach has stayed consistent. The lesson I have learned each step of the way is that you cant just out yourself, it has to be planned and well thought out based on the individual relationships you have with each person involved.

Even with all of this, I still face my challenges. The same sister that has been supportive all the way for me told me this weekend that her and her husband agreed that me coming to there house as a woman would be too much for them to have to explain to their children and had the gall to ask me to "de-gender" myself if I was coming over. Then in further discussion about using my new name while in public, her response was to criticize my fashion, hair, and even the fact that my name wasn't "hip" enough. I was hurt beyond imagination by this as it was coming from someone who had earlier this summer told me, "You do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and I will support you 100%." Obviously we needed to have another "understanding" talk. I revealed to her things that I had not in the past discussions. Things like I was so depressed as a child that I was a cutter, the fact that on two occasions in my life I downed a bottle of Tylenol, and on one occasion held a gun to my head. I further explained that this depression was a result of trying to repress what was going on in me. This depression also led to 20 years of heavy drinking and bad life decision, all of which led to 3 heart attacks in the last 5 years and I haven't even reached 40 yet. I further explained that after my last heart attack, I checked myself out of the emergency room because the pain was gone and dying made more sense that not being able to live my life the way I am supposed to live it...as a woman. We now share an even deeper understanding on this issue. The result is compromise. I agreed for the short term to at least come to her house in a "gender neutral state," while she agreed that she needs to start preparing herself, her husband, and her children with the fact that if they want me in there life they will have to come up with a plan on how to handle this with the very young and impressionable children, who after a few years will probably forget all about the fact that their aunt used to be an uncle. The important lesson here is that I could have gone off all 1/2 cocked about all this, and believe me the temptation was there, but the outcome would have not been nearly as productive towards my eventual goal of 100% acceptance by this part of my family.

Conclusion? If you want to come out to you're sister do so, but do it with a plan and be prepared for the fact that it may not go your way initially. If you plan it correctly though, and leave it open for discussion that leads to understanding, she may just go from being creeped out that her brother has better nails than hers to an understanding that underneath everything she actually has a new sister!

[Miranda-E]

Any thoughts about how I should handle this?

/Katie

XXX

i'd have told her right there at the table what the situation was and dealing with it is her problem and I'd heard enough from her.

[DonnaT]

If she mentions them again, then respond with, "When are you going to grow up into a mature adult? You've been ragging on me about my nails since Christmas, and I'm tired of it! I don't tell you how to live your life, so stay out of mine!"

Then turn and walk away. And unless she apologizes, ignore everything she says, don't respond, and don't acknowledge her presence the rest of the day.

Definitely don't come out to her, unless you want to come out to everyone in the family and everyone she knows.

[Alberta_Pat]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.

[sandra-leigh]

I wouldn't tell her a thing, certainly not at this time. She is upset (for whatever reason), and she is not going to receive the information calmly and it seems unlikely that it would improve her current badly distorted impression of you.

But then I am not afraid of a bit of confrontation even with my family. I don't need it very often at all, but it is a tool not to be discarded.

[Leeiah]

I think she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings of any realization she may have picked up or not. My question is if you do tell her will it be alot easier or alot worse then it was.

[larry]

Sorry but I am fed up with all the Political Correctness going on in this world.. She is a "B" .
You best bite your tongue and escape as soon as you can.

[Johnnifer]

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it



I'd say it is likely C and D with maybe some A mixed in.

When I was a kid up through college I used to have a very idealized view of women. My teasing in highschool and harassment (verbal, sexual, and physical in that order) I faced were due to not only being nerdy and socially inept but on not being manly enough. Being called gay, girly, etc. and harrassed for it. Also my dad got on my case and insulted me a bit for not being manly enough, and most of my harrassers in high school were male. Between that and some of the stuff being said during the PC movement that ended up not being true (women wanting a soft emotional man in touch with his feminine side) I made the mistake of thinking GIRLS GOOD! GUYS BAD! I envied their freedom to be soft and emotional and feminine.

I was this way until second questioning when I outed myself to the two closest women in my life. My mom, and a tomboyish girl who was a close friend of mine. Both freaked out and it hurt.

Since then I have find it much safer to discuss my feelings with men than women. With men it is easy, discuss something political like gay rights or TG's striving for insurance coverage. If the man in any way shape of form gets defensive or says "Not that I am that way" he is prejudice. Otherwise he is safe.

Women on the other hand can act perfectly supportive then freak out on you. I am not entirely sure why but I have a few ideas on why. Note these are just my theories, I haven't dared ask genetic women on them. If any of the GG girls want to comment or correct these I'd appreciate it as it sure will be better knowing the truth than guessing.

1. Sexuality/gender/fetish is bad to women: Alot of women grow up with a "Lifetime movie of the week" view that anything odd sexually or gender (as strait society sees TG as gay) wise it is bad and will hurt them. I notice alot of girls are fine with men seeing their bodies as attractive but see anything fetishy as instantly gross and a turn off. Since Tg is considered fetishy by some it is associated with this. Odd as fetishes are not uncommon in genetic men, in part because male society stomps on emotions and many men seek emotional release on their issues through sexual fantasies and they become imprinted on them. Just look at the topic of anything fetishy coming up in a mixed crowd, men will say it is hot often (even if only as a joke) and women will show disgust. The world of women is one of wanting a handsome prince to adore them, and wanting a guy whose arousal is only linked to her body. Any deviation from that real or imagined (such as associating CDing with gay or fetish) is seen as a threat and danger. Just like in the Lifetime movies.

2. They want a manly guy: women are attracted to men for their masulinity. So any deviation is seen as gross to them.

3. Many women sees GLBT issues as a threat to families and women are more likely to support family values.

Not sure how true any of my guesses are, maybe the GG girls here can give me enlightenment.

Not that the Michigan Womens Music Festival was notorious for being prejudice to transgenders. Women are not NICE (though many individuals can be).

In my experience it is MUCH safer to discuss my issues with men than women and close minded men are easier to weed out.

[Lorileah]

Don't tell her a thing. Just tell her to stop being so damned rude. It's none of her business.

There ya go. Ain't nobody's business but your own. Maybe you could tell her, her mustache makes her look very manly. OK no, don't sink to her level. But truthfully, if she doesn't like how it looks, tell her she has made her point, move on and that how you like your nails manicured does not really matter to her. Then take all her pieces from the game board and throw them across the room. OK again, don't do that. ;)

[Cynthia Anne]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.
What Alberta has said here may sound far fetched but the possiblity of this being the case is VERY REAL! Do your part and comfront her before it's too late! Hugs!

[Jamie2]

Well, it appears in my short time hear the only time I start a post is to rant about something, and this is no different.

Anyway, Christmas day I'm at my parents house (staying for the week since it's traditional the family gathers at this time of year) along with my sister and her husband. We're doing the exchange of gifts and when I hand my sister her gift she notices my nails, which are quite long and (I think) rather pretty. Since my family don't know about Katelyn I'm in guy mode for the week.

Well, she loudly explains that my talons are creepy. I don't know why she just noticed as they've been like this for at least two years, and she hasn't noticed that my arms are completely hairless and my eybrows are in far too neat a condition for an adverage man.

Anyway, over christmas dinner she continues to go on about how they make me look girly and creepy and weird etc.

This was quite hurtful and another setback in my dream of ever comming out to my fmaily and also a little upsetting because whilst I could understand girly and possible funny, creepy makes her feelings quite clear, that she considers men with long nails as unacceptable in (what is her view) normal society.

To keep the peace I didn't say anything about it (though I did mention it in another thread hear).

Well, tonight, she and her husband came over to my parents for dinner and to play a game (Dominion, really excellent game by the way).

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations.

Of course, once again I find this to be hurtful but the level hse has taken it to makes wonder if

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it


Grrrrrrrrrrrr


Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I'll be seeing her oce more before I leave and am tempted to take her aside and have a quite word, but am not sure how far to go with what I say.

I would love to come out to her, but don't want to if she isn't gong to accpet me, and from her comments i don't hold out much hope of that at the moment

Thanks for letting me rant

/Katie

XXX

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations


I (MYSELF) would have blowup worse than a ATOMIC bomb at this statement!!!!!!!!!!
There are more words of wisdom spoken than i care to repete here, BUT I can second the idea to take her aside and ask for clairification on the meaning of that statment.
That is one VERY BAD thing to say even in jest.

[Eryn]

You can choose your friends, but unfortunately you cannot choose your relatives.

Realistically, you're there one week a year and you don't have to be there at all.

You're not going to win an argument with your sister because her husband will take her side. The only thing you will do is create an ugly scene that, right or wrong, will be blamed upon your non-standard nails.

Your sister's statement about your nails making you look like a "kiddie fillder" (whatever that is) was probably not mean literally. It was calculated to shock you, and it certainly has.

If I were in your situation I would meet with your sister privately with no other family members present. Be very matter-of-fact with her.

Tell her that she has made it clear that she does not like your nails. You understand her message and she does not need to repeat it.
Tell her that the condition of your nails is your business alone. You need offer no explanation at all of why you keep them in that condition.
Tell her that her statement about you being a "kiddie fillder" was totally unacceptable. That is not something that any civil person would say to another.
Tell her that she has a choice. She can keep her hurtful thoughts to herself and preserve a happy holiday for her family, or she can persist in her hurtful statements and ruin the holiday visit for everyone. That puts the onus on her to behave.

If she says another thing about this topic, explain calmly and carefully to your parents that your sister is creating an intolerable environment for you in spite of your private request to desist and that you have to leave. Then do so.

If you have to, you can visit your parents at another time of the year. You do not need to subject yourself and your parents to your sister's hateful behavior.

That's my two cents. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Niya W]

Had that happened in my parents house my sister would of been tossed out .

[Jennifer B]

I wouldn't let this put pressure on you to come out if you don't want to. It's your life. Maybe force the situation if you can't get her to back off using other means, use sarcasm to show how stupid and hurtful she is being.

For example. The next time she comments on your nails. Look straight at her stomach and say, "OMG! Look at your fat belly! How could I not realise, you're pregnant again. Congratulations Sis! At least now I know why you walk like you need a hip opp and smell of urine, I guess the little fella must really be kicking your bladder. Although I'm not sure if that explains the yellow teeth and halitosis. I so should have known by the shine of your facial hair. Pregnant Women always glow. So downy. Anyway you must have a lot on your mind, you probably forgot to shave your beard today. Lets hope this ones not born as ugly as the rest of your children." Then look her straight in the eye, smile and say, "By the way those shoes you're wearing. They're crap."

After she's finished going ballistic, explain to her that now she knows what bullying feels like and that she is being a dick and is hurting your feelings. Offer her the opportunity to talk in private if there is something that she wants to get off her chest. The theory here is that by provoking her, you get to the truth, good or bad. She either sulks or apologises. Or cracks up and gets out what's on her mind. One thing I've learned is that sometimes you have to poke a family member or SO with a stick or bite back to get the truth out.

Might not be the same for everybody of course, so tread carefully, you are the best qualified to judge what is the most appropriate approach. Good luck. I feel for you.

[Rachel Morley]

IMHO, I think it's a bit of "B" and quite a lot of "C". :sad:

[DanaR]

This is a sticky one ..... ...............................
I hope my reponse hasn't annoyed you , perhaps given you a different perspective on how to deal with those who can sometimes be nasty , but calmly be put in theyre place .
Seasons greetings x
I thought that your response was right on.


IMHO, I think it's a bit of "B" and quite a lot of "C". :sad:
Like in a five and four letter words?

[Niya W]

I thought that your response was right on.


Like in a five and four letter words?
when Rachel said a little bit of B and whole lot of C I was looking for the H

[Vanessa Storrs]

It looks like it could be a couple of things, first she may be confused by your 'girly' nails and does not know how to deal with them. She associates your nails with gay culture which she associates with pedophilia. You have given her no information to educate herself. Second, it may simply be a case of sibling rivalry, she has found a great way to get under your skin and you have fallen for her teasing. The next time she questions your nails just tell her you like to grow them out because you are a crossdresser.

[Mary Morgan]

Seems to me that a loving sibling wouldn't behave in this fashion regardless of what they thought. Frankly, I don't think your sister has a clue and you are under no obligation to tell her anything. And do you really want to come out to her? I guarantee this would become ammo for her until she resolves her underlying issues, not your issues. She is rude and I think you have handled this well up until this point. If you do want to tell her about you, she will only see it as validation for her rudeness. If I were you and I wanted to tell someone it would be my mother, not my rude sister. JMTC

[Kristy_K]

For some reason she is trying to get you mad. When the bit on the nails didn't work then she try the kiddie bit.

Maybe just ask her why she treating you this way. Just tell what she said hurt your feelings.

You don't need to come out to her but be honest about you feeling being hurt.

If that don't then tell her to grow up.

[Renee W]

I have to agree with Eryn, talk to her privately and explain your thoughts. you do not have to come out to her, just let her know that you find her comments hurtful and unacceptable. If the comments continue, speak to your parents in private, letting them know you are leaving and why. Let them know that you will no longer participate in family functions so long as your sister continues her ways. This time it's your nails, next time it may be because you bought a new car that uses too much gas or that your didn't spend enough on her gift. She is being a bully, don't tolerate it.

[Katelyn B]

Firstly, thank you for all your replies and advice


... Until this situation, how has your relationship with her gone? Do you always fight or bicker? If you are always bickering, then maybe this is just her. If you normally get along okay, there might be something going on in her life that she is struggling with....

If you'd have asked me that before, i'd of said pretty well, but now, given time to actually think about it, i'm not sure.

We were very close as children, certainly up to my early teens, but after that we did drift apart, mainly because we stopped playing together and started playing by ourselves. My later teenage years, prior to leving for university, were marred by the constant bickering of my sister and father (they argued a *lot*, she was not an easy teenager), so I spent a great deal of time alone in my room (including eating meals). Once I'd left for university we didn't really stay directly in touch, we'd still see each other as she still lived at home and I would come back to visit, and even when she moved out of the fmaily home and in with her husband they were still very local to my parents, so whenever I come home to visit them they come over for a meal.

So whilst we do get on, we're probably not friends, but neither are we enemies. She does like to wind me up, always has, and looking back its always been slightly "mean" if viewed from the outside (weight, appearance, that sort of thing), but I never took it as such, possibly becuase what I wouldn't overlook from someone else I do in my sister and don't attribute any negative intention to her words een though they may be there and would had someone else said them.


Merry Christmas and I'm happy for you that you get to spend some time with your family. There is some obvious competition going on between your sister and you for your parent's attention. I think because you are spending the holidays living at your parent's that she feels somehow cheated during the holidays. I know that it doesn't seem like it but I think that there might be some jealousness it her harsh observations and the fact that she has brought it to everyone's attention several times is a good indication that she is doing everything she can to get under your skin. Unless your parents are totally blind, they are aware of the condition of your nails and although you don't say anything about their feelings, I can only assume that they are on board with you and your fashion style. It might be the time to ask your mom what she thinks about your nails and anything else you feel like asking. Have a safe holiday and a great New Year.

And to you too (Christmas that is)

I've never considered whether she may be jealous of me before. Looking at it dispasionatly, I could see why she may be jealous of certain aspects of my life in regards to hers. I did go away to uni, left the fmaily home at a much younger age than she and had a truly wonderful experience (spent 7 years at uni and loved every minute of it (in hindishgt looking at life afterwards, possibly a little too much)). It's meant that I've gotten a great job and am pretty well paid compared with most of the population, which in turn has given me the freedom to enjoy life a bit, eat out, buy myself nice things, which she and her husband have never been able to do. I guess the fact I also not only left home but also left my home town, I really do have a different life then the one I had as achild, and she doesn;t. She lives 5 minuts walk away from my parents house and to some extent is still very much their child (and not an adult). So, when I do come home, I get spoilt a bit as my parents don't see me that often, whereas they see her at least 3 times a week.

With all that said, she has things in her life I don't and could certainly be jealous of. She does own her own house with her husband, whereas I only rent, she has found love and I haven't, she's had that love for a long time, and anyone can see its a proper partnershiop, whilst my last relationhsip was a long one, it was never close (to the point of loveless for the last few years). She has a close relationship with my parents I don't anymore because I'm not around.

But, I don't begrudge her any of that, and would like to think she doesn't me, but thinking about it now maybe she does a little bit, especially at christmas time when, for a week, I'm back in the family home and its a bit like I'm 15 again.



...If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance....

Whilst I still don't know how far down the TG spectrum I fall, I bascially have two different lives, the one I have 90% of the time where I live by myself in a geographic location a long way from any of my family. I have great friends who all know Katelyn now, and most of them wouldn't remember when they last saw me as a man. Outside of work I spend nearly all of my time as a woman, it just works for me and makes me so much happier in myself to be that way. The reason I came out to my friends was I was just tired of habving to change when I was seeing them, or havbing to rememnber to hide things in the house if anyone ws comming over, and in doing so its made my life so much simpler.

Then there is the 10% of the time when I'm the me my fmaily remember, a man (horrible thought), if I travel down to see them for the weekend its as a man, and I'm that way till I get back home. I guess at the point I'm at in my life it would just be eaiser if I could be the person I'm hapiest as all the time, which is why I play with the idea of comming out. I don't know if I ever will do it, there isn't a real need, the two parts of my life have no crossover, no one in my family, close or extended has any chance of running into Katelyn out and about, so to keep the peace I keep quite, but there's always the fantasy that it would be better.


I think she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings of any realization she may have picked up or not. My question is if you do tell her will it be alot easier or alot worse then it was.

Being her brother, and not wanting to assign any negative intentions onto her, this is where my thinking leans, that she can't process what she's seeing and delas with it by lashing out. What I don't understand is why she can't understand it, If I see a man with great nails, or a woman with a nice mans shirt on I just think they look good.

This could be a little "institutionalisation", by being who I am I guess I'm part of a more open minded "club" and just tend to assume most people are that way as well because the people I associate with on and off line are the same, forgetting that the wider public isn't that way.



...
1. Sexuality/gender/fetish is bad to women: Alot of women grow up with a "Lifetime movie of the week" view that anything odd sexually or gender (as strait society sees TG as gay) wise it is bad and will hurt them. I notice alot of girls are fine with men seeing their bodies as attractive but see anything fetishy as instantly gross and a turn off. Since Tg is considered fetishy by some it is associated with this. Odd as fetishes are not uncommon in genetic men, in part because male society stomps on emotions and many men seek emotional release on their issues through sexual fantasies and they become imprinted on them. Just look at the topic of anything fetishy coming up in a mixed crowd, men will say it is hot often (even if only as a joke) and women will show disgust. The world of women is one of wanting a handsome prince to adore them, and wanting a guy whose arousal is only linked to her body. Any deviation from that real or imagined (such as associating CDing with gay or fetish) is seen as a threat and danger. Just like in the Lifetime movies.
...


That could very well be true. When I was with my ex she had a fantastic kink-dar, she had an uncanny ability after meeting somone to pick up on their sexual fetishes (it really was uncanny how often she was right as well). I remember we were talking about my sister and she made the comment she was as vanilla as it was possible to be. So it could very well be shes assigning some perversion onto mhy nails and equaitng it with practices she finds repelent.

The real prolem I have is I dont like confrontation, I don't want to spoil whetever event is currently occuring by speaking out to vigorously and spoling the jovial mood, I am queit and unasuming (and unable to spell but there we go)

I need to let her know what shes saying isn't acceptable and at the very least she nees to just accept the fat I have long nails(again, I've had them for two years so its not like they're new). I guess the fact we've gotten to this point is partly my gaulty, In the past I haven't pulled her up on commenting about my weight, especially when I was a lot bigger then I am now, so she may just find it acceptable to tease me about things. Because they were directed at me, her extreme comments were very hurtful, but I'm the first to admit that I can see the humur in taking things to ridiculous exremes and being outrageous and saying the taboo (see Southpark or Family Guy).

But reading all of your replies I am realising that I am being too generous in only trying to see positives in the way she acts because she is mys sister, and I need to take a more honest look at the way she acts towards me.

In regards my parents, they haven't said anything about my nails, my brows, arms, legs etc, so they can't find them that odd, or at least they aren't that bothered. Last time my mum came up toi my house to help me clean (the ex had just moved out and I wanted to have a proper spring clean) I had gone out the night before and gotten back late. Come the morning I had planned to get up early and take care of things, like takin off my nail polish. Of course I end up sleeping in till ten minutes before she arrives so just leave the polish on (and as it turns out I really didn't do a very good job of removing my makeup before I went to bed either) The only comment my mum made was "why are you're nails painted", to which I said oh, I went out last night, and she just let it go.

Thanks once again

/Katie

X X X

[DanaR]

Katie, based on what you have said, it sounds like your sister could be jealous of your life. You were able to go away to school and she wasn't. To her you might have a more interesting life. Sometimes we will look at others' lives and wish we could have what they have.

Whatever you decide to do, be careful. This could be a no win situation.

You might talk to your mom about what happened, she might be a little more accepting than your sister, if this is what you are looking for.

Good luck.

[Raychel Torn]

I agree with Johnnifer below. Far to often we try and pick "the reason" that someone acts in a particular way, when in reality there are a mix of reasons. To make it even more difficult it is very likely that she does not really know why she is acting this way. The question is how do you respond. I think you were very strong not to be pulled into a fight during the visit. Good for you. That being said, you can still drop your sister a note that tells her how much you love her and that it hurts you when she acts that way. You can talk about your feelings without talking about your CD'ing. Based on what you have said, I don't think she is trying to hurt you but she is trying to change your behavior, and that is most likely motivated by her love for you even if it does not feel very loving right now.

I can tell you that I waited years to come out to my wife because of little comments like your sisters. Eventually when I did come out she asked me why I didn't tell her sooner and I listed the times she had made comments that make it seem unsafe. She was ashamed of what she had said and sorry that her comments had caused me to wait. I was lucky! I can't and won't say that it would work this way for everyone, but sometimes people close to us say things because they don't know why we are doing particular things that just don't seem to fit into the picture of who we are based on what we have been willing to show them.

[Karren H]

Next year break with tradition and go on a tg cruise or something... Somewhere away from your sister!

[Gaby2]

I'm a bit overwhelmed, Katelyn.

I've just read your posts and the answers in this Thread fairly carefully - it's all a bit much at once - I hope that's not too selfish on my behalf because you're the one here who is looking for (and receiving sincere) support.

(Funnily enough, I avoided reading your OP before now because I mistakenly took the title to mean you cribbing about how hurtful "sisters" (i.e. other forum members) can be in their comments here - silly me:doh:)

Perhaps Karren is right and keeping out of harm's way is the best way... perhaps not...

One very important aspect strikes me though.
Despite all the ridicule and inuendo your sister has thrown at you, I get the feeling you love her very much and really care for her.
Does she know that?

Wishing you (both) all the best,
:rose2:Gaby

[ReineD]

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

It is natural for the "unknown" to take on much larger proportions in someone's mind than the reality. At this point, your sister's impression of men who feminize themselves are steeped in the unsavory stereotypes favored by the media: the perverts, pedophiles, drag queens, fetishists, etc. Think of the insane transsexual in "Silence of the Lambs". Your sister has not so far had any reason to educate herself about gender non-conformity. So she is relying on a very sketchy image that unfortunately floats out there in the social conscience. She likely has no idea that you are transgender.

Also, it is my experience that negative reactions usually stem from fear. If she loves you she may be afraid that you are going down a path that is causing you harm, even if she does not know the details, and she is hoping that her way of dealing with it will knock some sense into you.

You need to talk to her. You'll need to prepare first: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

Once she connects a real live person that she loves with the concept of gender non-conformity, she will begin to lose some of the stereotypical bias. It may take some time though, so hopefully you can have several talks with her over time.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I've thought long and hard about this, I come from a large family, and We all get along and fight in various degrees from time to time, Ive seen sibling become so tight they take vacations togeather and then because of a stupid comment not speak to one another for years. I would take her aside and ask her politely to keep her comments about your apperance to herself. Because of the nature,type and frequency of her comments I gaurentee she's spoiling for a fight. You do NOT need to offer any explantion you do not feel comfortable with. If she has any decency she'll back off, there is no need for her to pick like shes doing, and remember you also have the option to not addend family gatherings where she is in attendence. The comment about being a 'child fiddler' is uncalled for and should be delt with as soon as possible. Being transgended is NORMAL.

[Eryn]

Consider the situation with your sister as if she were a lit match over a pool of gasoline. There are two ways to deal with it.

You could try to fireproof the gasoline, a difficult task that is not likely to be successful, just as getting your sister fully educated and accepting about transgenderism is unlikely to happen. She has no vested interest in learning or changing her attitude and therefore is unlikely to do so. If she finds out about you the likely outcome is for her to turn your parents away from you since she apparently has more contact with them than you do.

The simpler alternative is to snuff out the match. Tell your sister that further discussion of your appearance or accusations of being a "kiddie fillder" are not acceptable and will result in an ugly situation in front of your parents. It is likely that if you show her that you are serious about the situation she will make the right choice to preserve family harmony.

The second approach does leave the main situation unresolved. You said that you live a considerable distance away so the situation really does not need to be resolved for you to continue living your life unhindered at your own home. What your sister and parents don't know won't hurt them (or you)!

[DanaR]

I think if you confront her, there is a possibility of things going bad. I think that a nice talk with mom might be better. If your sister said these things in front of everyone, your mom must have heard them too. Telling your mom that you might not be coming to family functions because of your sister, she might have a talk with her. If it were my family, that is what I would do. It sounds like she thinks that she can act anyway that she wants. If she were told that she wasn't invited because of her attitude, maybe she would rethink her actions and apologize.

[Genifer Teal]

It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

Regardless of any issue in her of life, I believe a private "what's wrong?" conversation needs to be had between you two. If you are not personally ready to reveal this to everyone, just listen to what she has to say. This does not seem like the right time or reason to tell her your life story.

Hope it goes well.

Gen

[JessicaM1985]

I'm sorry she did that to you hun. :(

I think she was just trying to say the most shocking thing just to get to you. I don't agree with it and she seriously crossed the line. It did come across to me that maybe she was trying to push you coming out to her by teasing. She sounds like she wants to know what's going on with you and knows that you won't tell. So my theory is that she is trying to get it out of you by provoking you. I also think that jealousy was a factor because she is used to being the one doted on by your parents several for 51 weeks out of the year, and wants some of the attention that you are getting from your parents when you are there. I loved how you kept your cool and ignored her for the most part. If it happened to me, I would have flatly asked her in a calm, but assertive manner why she said those things. When people are mean, I put the spotlight on their cruelty while maintaining my cool as a means to further highlight the fact that they are acting up. Doesn't always work, but it usually does.

In your case, pushing the issue further would have called more attention to yourself, and I'm sure that is the last thing you want. But I know that we're all here for you. It's because of people's attitudes towards transgenders that I hardly dress up at all and am far too scared to be seen out in public en femme. I'm sorry dear......

[LoriFlores]

I haven't read every post in this thread yet, so this may already have been covered.

I know this conversation with my sister could be difficult because it was her cloths that I began my crossdressing with. How do I gently explain that I secretly wore her panties, tights, and leotards when we were growing up? We were close when young but became less so when I began questioning my own gender identity. I don't know how I would explain that I'm really a sister and feel trapped in my current situation. I guess this is part of the agony of being transgendered...

[DanaR]

I haven't read every post in this thread yet, so this may already have been covered.

I know this conversation with my sister could be difficult because it was her cloths that I began my crossdressing with. How do I gently explain that I secretly wore her panties, tights, and leotards when we were growing up? We were close when young but became less so when I began questioning my own gender identity. I don't know how I would explain that I'm really a sister and feel trapped in my current situation. I guess this is part of the agony of being transgendered...

Lori, don't tell her that you wore her stuff.

[LoriFlores]

Lori, don't tell her that you wore her stuff.

I'm guessing that this recomendation is based on first or second hand experience. However, this makes it about impossible to explain how it all began and the progression.

I also wonder if she ever knew already. I was caught by my mother and grandmother several times. My mom found my sisters panties in my room but never said anything about it. I just wonder if she ever told my sister?

[ReineD]

Lori, I can give you an analogy: when children ask about the birds and the bees, we only tell them as much as they ask and are ready to hear. The rest comes later.

You don't need to tell your sister the entire history now. You can simply tell her that you are transgender, this is a very real condition, and you do not appreciate the pedophile comments. You can talk to her about all your current concerns with this. You can prepare yourself with resources. Gather some links to informative, non-discussion sites to begin with and ask her if you can email them to her.

Be sure and read the link I posted in #38. Even though this is geared for telling SOs, some of the advice is applicable to other family members.

Be prepared to answer any of her questions, but I'm guessing they will focus on your current presentation and lifestyle more than the past. If she asks how old you were when it started, just tell her the age. She may not even think to ask where you got your clothes, but if she does, you should tell her that you borrowed hers. And then it may not occur to her to ask which items specifically, but if she does you can use your discretion as to whether or not telling her you borrowed her leotards is sufficient. This was a long time ago and you no longer borrow her clothes, nor will you in the future, so there is no point foregoing current concerns just to dwell on distant memories.

It's not about the panties you borrowed as a child. It's about who you are now, how you live, your future decisions, how these will affect you and your family members, etc.

Edit - Just curious ... why did you feel the need to distance yourself from your sister when you began to question your gender identity?

[DanaR]

Lori, you mentioned:


How do I gently explain that I secretly wore her panties, tights, and leotards when we were growing up?
All I said was, don't tell her that you wore her stuff.


I'm guessing that this recomendation is based on first or second hand experience. However, this makes it about impossible to explain how it all began and the progression.

I also wonder if she ever knew already. I was caught by my mother and grandmother several times. My mom found my sisters panties in my room but never said anything about it. I just wonder if she ever told my sister?

If you need to tell her, then tell her whatever you think that she should know. I've always believed that if they need to know, then tell them. Otherwise don't tell anyone. I think that this makes your life simpler, unless you are going to transition.

[LoriFlores]

Edit - Just curious ... why did you feel the need to distance yourself from your sister when you began to question your gender identity?

I don't know why, and it was not intended to be connected, but we had been very close but grew more apart at about the same time. As I look back now it occurs to me that they may have been connected and had to do with my own internal conflicts. It was nothing she did.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I'd go paint my nails and come out and show them off and say "is this better?????? As for the Kiddie fiddler remark I would have had to bitch slap her and she would have deserved it.

[Katelyn B]

Katie, based on what you have said, it sounds like your sister could be jealous of your life. You were able to go away to school and she wasn't. To her you might have a more interesting life. Sometimes we will look at others' lives and wish we could have what they have.

Whatever you decide to do, be careful. This could be a no win situation.

You might talk to your mom about what happened, she might be a little more accepting than your sister, if this is what you are looking for.

Good luck.

Of anyone in my family, it would be my mum I came out to first, she's such a wonderful woman, completely selfless and giving to her family.


Next year break with tradition and go on a tg cruise or something... Somewhere away from your sister!

Despite all this grief this year I couldn't do that, despite being a man for a week, its been fun, relaxing in way, and nice to revert back to childhood in a way, and it's normally something I lookfroward to at the end of the year.


I'm a bit overwhelmed, Katelyn.

I've just read your posts and the answers in this Thread fairly carefully - it's all a bit much at once - I hope that's not too selfish on my behalf because you're the one here who is looking for (and receiving sincere) support.

(Funnily enough, I avoided reading your OP before now because I mistakenly took the title to mean you cribbing about how hurtful "sisters" (i.e. other forum members) can be in their comments here - silly me:doh:)

Perhaps Karren is right and keeping out of harm's way is the best way... perhaps not...

One very important aspect strikes me though.
Despite all the ridicule and inuendo your sister has thrown at you, I get the feeling you love her very much and really care for her.
Does she know that?

Wishing you (both) all the best,
:rose2:Gaby

I do care for her very much. Part of the problem could be I don't come from a very expressive family, call it at excessive case of britishness (stiff upper lip and all that), we don't really share feelings with each other, certainly not in words, if I have a problem it wouldn't be a family member I went to for emotional help.


It is natural for the "unknown" to take on much larger proportions in someone's mind than the reality. At this point, your sister's impression of men who feminize themselves are steeped in the unsavory stereotypes favored by the media: the perverts, pedophiles, drag queens, fetishists, etc. Think of the insane transsexual in "Silence of the Lambs". Your sister has not so far had any reason to educate herself about gender non-conformity. So she is relying on a very sketchy image that unfortunately floats out there in the social conscience. She likely has no idea that you are transgender.

Also, it is my experience that negative reactions usually stem from fear. If she loves you she may be afraid that you are going down a path that is causing you harm, even if she does not know the details, and she is hoping that her way of dealing with it will knock some sense into you.

You need to talk to her. You'll need to prepare first: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

Once she connects a real live person that she loves with the concept of gender non-conformity, she will begin to lose some of the stereotypical bias. It may take some time though, so hopefully you can have several talks with her over time.

I've never really thought about it that way. Its easy to assume everyone has the same values and attitudes of the people you associat with every day. As I mentioned I went away to university and still live in a university town, I work all day with other graduates, all of my friends are graduates, so it's a pretty liberal, educated, and accepting crowd. Not to imply my sister isn't educated, but I can see not having the experience of going away into the big wide world could leave blinkers on a person, especially given where we grew up, lets just say the most ethnically diverse it ever got was a welsh family moving into the street.

I shall read the link

I don't think now is the time for a long comming out, but it's going to have to happen at some point.

In general, I think I've decided to not do anything to drastic at this point in time, she and her husband will be comming over for new years eve, which will be the last time I see them for a while, and whilst it's probably a little cowardly I don't want to ruin any atmosphere, so I shall bite my tounch to a point. If she says anything outrageous again I'l just re-iterate that I like them this way.

One thing I did learn today is that she isn't having the best of times emotionally at the moment (from my mum of course). A few years ago she needed to have one of her ovaries removed due to a cyst, then last year she had a hanging growth on the remaining one removed. This has reduced her fertility and I;ve just found out that her husband may not be the most fertile person himself, a fact he isn't dealing with in the best way aparently (he had one test which came back with zero "swimmers" (as my mum put it), and so far has taken any excuse to avoid a second test). So whilst she hasn't said anything to me in person it doesn't look good for them being able to conceive, which must be aweful for her, so whilst it may be personally edifying to ream her out I think it'll be best to just let it wash over me.

She can't be completely clueless about me, the only person who has ever "caught" me dressed would be her, admitedly I was 9 (so she'd be 7). We were on holiday and she and my parents went out for a walk leaving me behind for some reason. I obviously took advantage of the alone time to changhe into some of her cloths only to find that she came back early and found me in the living room. One hasty and rubbish excuse later I did get her to not tell my parents, which she didn't (well, not for a good 15 years, she did blurt that one out at a family meal a few years ago, which I had to again brush under the carpet with a hasty and rubbish excuse).

Thanks again for all your replies

/Katie

X X X

[Crysten]

If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance.

Acceptance comes from understanding. I agree with what has been said here in that trying to guess what each other is thinking is the blind leading the blind. The very first family member I came out to was my sister. She had already questioned things like why I groom my brows, why I shaved my legs, and so on. I had fear beyond fear, but was forced into the situation when I needed her to tend to my house while I was in the hospital. A house that at this point was covered with girl stuff :) What was her reaction? "Mehhh no big deal, my best friends dad is fully transitioned and is now Eddie instead of Ed." Needless to say, all my fears were unfounded, you just never know. What I was good at doing, was explaining to her the "Why?" So that she understood that it wasn't just a fetish or fling. This is how I have approached everyone I have come out to and forward. I now live full time with the exception of work, and as of January 3rd, I will be out at work. This has been my biggest challenge yet and has involved not only coming out to my co-workers, but also every single one of my 40-50 clients. My approach has stayed consistent. The lesson I have learned each step of the way is that you cant just out yourself, it has to be planned and well thought out based on the individual relationships you have with each person involved.

Even with all of this, I still face my challenges. The same sister that has been supportive all the way for me told me this weekend that her and her husband agreed that me coming to there house as a woman would be too much for them to have to explain to their children and had the gall to ask me to "de-gender" myself if I was coming over. Then in further discussion about using my new name while in public, her response was to criticize my fashion, hair, and even the fact that my name wasn't "hip" enough. I was hurt beyond imagination by this as it was coming from someone who had earlier this summer told me, "You do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and I will support you 100%." Obviously we needed to have another "understanding" talk. I revealed to her things that I had not in the past discussions. Things like I was so depressed as a child that I was a cutter, the fact that on two occasions in my life I downed a bottle of Tylenol, and on one occasion held a gun to my head. I further explained that this depression was a result of trying to repress what was going on in me. This depression also led to 20 years of heavy drinking and bad life decision, all of which led to 3 heart attacks in the last 5 years and I haven't even reached 40 yet. I further explained that after my last heart attack, I checked myself out of the emergency room because the pain was gone and dying made more sense that not being able to live my life the way I am supposed to live it...as a woman. We now share an even deeper understanding on this issue. The result is compromise. I agreed for the short term to at least come to her house in a "gender neutral state," while she agreed that she needs to start preparing herself, her husband, and her children with the fact that if they want me in there life they will have to come up with a plan on how to handle this with the very young and impressionable children, who after a few years will probably forget all about the fact that their aunt used to be an uncle. The important lesson here is that I could have gone off all 1/2 cocked about all this, and believe me the temptation was there, but the outcome would have not been nearly as productive towards my eventual goal of 100% acceptance by this part of my family.

Conclusion? If you want to come out to you're sister do so, but do it with a plan and be prepared for the fact that it may not go your way initially. If you plan it correctly though, and leave it open for discussion that leads to understanding, she may just go from being creeped out that her brother has better nails than hers to an understanding that underneath everything she actually has a new sister!

**********This is the best post ever put on this forum. Read and heed.*********************

[Barbara Ella]

Your sister is definitely going through some emotional times, so you are correct in your assessment to cool it for awhile. One explanation (reaching a bit) is that she is losing part of herself, and her man appears to have lost his contribution to her feminine drive, and she might see your feminine traits as taking away her male family member, and she might be over reacting. Who knows, I can barely try to understand what is going on in my mind. But dont do anything that might escalate the situation and cause hurt for your Mum.

Babes

[Presh GG]

Katie, I'm sorry siblings can be so jeolous and mean sometimes.

If she trys again on new years , you could ask her ..."Does she wants to have her nails done......, your treat ?.. . [ In other words this is the most natural thing in the world ]. A gift to her with love and follow up with a 20 $ bill.. The cash here being important.
This will teach her [ I hope! ] how impolite she is being and how much she is loved will melt that meaness [ is that a word ?] away.... It will certainly stop her short in her tracks.

I just want to tell you I think you are an amazeing person to not have let her get to you. The world would be a better place with more people like you, with so much kindness in your heart.:hugs:

With great respect,
Presh GG

[DianeSusanne]

Take a good breath first ... it will balance you to some extent and reduce the panicky feeling. Then simply ask if she means to sound so spiteful/hateful/angry... or whatever emotion she is projecting at you.

It's obvious something is going on and it's so rarely about you, it's usually about the other person. Asking them "Do you really mean to be hateful? Did you really mean to say ...." then re-phrasing the question gives them a chance to apologize or explain or gives them an opening to ask you a civil question.

Just a suggestion for next time it happens....