depression...

[KathrynW]

I apologize in advance if this post comes across too dismal, as I'm not intentionally trying to be negative. I just need to share...
Does anyone else here deal with depression or have a history of it?
I can't really say that all my depression is connected with cd-ing, but I know it's a factor for me. Yes, there's a lot of other emotional baggage, etc. that also doesn't help.
I guess this is really nothing new, because I know a lot of use have dealt with shame, guilt, and lack of self-acceptance concerning cd issues.
I can’t give myself permission to cd and feel ok about doing it. Why? I honestly don’t know why. If I could figure this out, I’d probably have a lot better understanding of myself.

I can cd, but shortly after that, the guilt kicks in...
I think “WTF am I doing? I’m a guy. This is not normal. I’m not supposed to want to do this”. Lately, it’s been easier to deny myself cd-ing than it is to deal with the guilt complex.
So, it’s a vicious cycle. I need to cd now and then to feel complete, yet...to a part of me, the act of cd-ing is disgusting.
Am I crazy? Can anyone else relate to this?
Some days I really don’t know how much more I can handle... :(

[Kayla Smith]

Hi Kathryn,

For the last 17 years, I have had the same feelings that you describe in your post. But with me, in the last couple of years, if I did not dress at least once in awhile, I would feel even worse than after I would dress, so for me it was better to dress once in awhile rather than not at all. You describe also extra baggage, I too had extra mental baggage that I have been carrying and if it was not for my wife helping me, work through those issues, I would not be here today.
The way I have finally come to be ok with my second self, was that I one day. I was thinking of the question of "Why am I like this and why me and not some else". After much thought and internet searching, I arrived at the answer. Which is that, I was born this way(not much I can do to change this), just like all of my sisters and that it really is not as rare to be a CD (in other words, I realized for the first time in my life that I was not alone) especially after finding this forum and the fact that there is a TRI-ESS chapter in my area.
Now that I realize that I am what I am, CDing hurts one(myself or others) and being different is not a bad thing. I now for the first time(most of the time), i am at peace with myself.
Hopes this helps, you in finding self acceptance

Hugs and Take Care

[tifftg]

Kathryn,

I know how you feel. I wake up somedays and feel that way, I have been dressing for nearly 40 years, although in the past few years, I have becoming more accepting of myself. At the beginning of the year I started seeing a therapist to deal with a lot issues. Dressing is one of them, dealing with the secrecy is another, acceptance another. It can be a lonely road, reach out to us, but also find someone to talk to. You are not alone. Not sure what the right path is for you, but I am sure you can find it.

Hugs,

Tiffany

[deeasheville]

I was born to be a woman, I always knew that I was differant, I just didn't know why.
One of my earliest memories is of being in a dress and being chaised around the room by my sister and 1 of my brothers.
After that I dressed as often as I could (on again and off again).
I still did not know why I had this erg to dress, but I felt that something was missing each time I stopped.
One day I heared of a Post op TS tenis player and knew that I was not alone and that their was a way to be transformed into the woman i was inside
Over the years I collected womens closes, but from time to time, I would perg all my clothes and try to get redemption for my sins (my parents were very religious), but I was empty inside. When I'm dressed I feel complete.
When I finally came out, I learned that my mom had been hoping for a girl when she was carrying me.
I was told that that had nothing to do with the way I am but I'm not sure.

[Faye Emmette]

Kathryn, you are alright and you have a mass of friends and nothing bad is going to happen to you.
I am fairly sure all here have had the same doubts and worries. And we've all come through alright. Gosh, you're different. Can you imagine a world where everyone was the same?
Be happy with your life and remember there is always a friend here to talk to. :angel:

[mand]

Hello Kathryn :)
Yeah depression we are kinda like old friends, to be honest I don't know what I'd do without it................feel happy I guess ;)

Seriously though Kathryn, what you describe the guilt, shame and all the rest that goes with it are very, very common feelings for lots of CD's at some point.
When I was in my teens and twenties I used to feel in total self disgust of myself, I really did give myself such a hard time thinking I wasn't normal.
I always used to think that this can't be happening to me, it only happens to others.
However even worse I really knew that my feelings for dressing were only the "tip of the iceburg". I actually felt that I was in the wrong physical gender, so what did I do ?..................I simply put the "real guy" act up to the maximum.

Anyway to cut a long story short it came to the stage were I simply couldn't cope with the pretence any longer. I had a choice, ethier end this life or come out of the closet and work towards living how I know I should be.
So I came out to the family, then to friends (so called friends :rolleyes: ) and then to the world. At the moment I've been living fulltime for around 6 months now and I am trying to make my path towards full transition.
I still do get depressed but it's not through self loathing anymore, it's simply because I just want to at least get on the road to transition.

I'm not even suggsting that you are TS or anything like that love, I'm just trying to say that you are not on you're own with the feelings you have, you are not doing anything wrong. Just try to relax and enjoy that something that really is a real part of you.

I just hope that you can find some peace of mind :)

love mand xxx:)

[TGMarla]

Kathryn, I dealt with the same issues most of my life. It's no way to live. But my advice, for what it's worth, is to take steps to be happy. They say that happiness is a choice, and that is correct. but it is a difficult choice to fulfill at times. We all think that our depression must come from issues that we have no control over. Identifying and dealing with these issues is not easy, and is much easier to say than to do.

I got out of it by doing a lot of soul-searching. I delved into spiritualism and studies that deal with philosophy, religion, and transcendentalism. I rejected mainstream Christianity in favor of a belief system that closer fits what I truly believe our relationship with God and the universe around us really is. I'm not one to preach. Others will brand me a heretic, or some such nonsense. But I'm here to tell you to forget about the guilt. God doesn't care if you wear dresses. God is not really going to judge you and send you to Hell, in my opinion. You can look more into my beliefs and justifications, if you have the inclination to do so, by looking at my post here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16191

Like I said, I'm not going to get up on some soapbox and preach, but I have a comfortable peace of mind that I have seldom had in my entire life. I would have the same for you if I could.

Hugs,
Marla

[Kim E]

Kathryn ~
You are not alone. I had fought with these same issues for over 40 years. The depression, the guilt and the denial. I was my biggest critic. I heaped more stress on myself than life, marriage and job combined. Why was I born this way ? Why do I feel more female than male ? Why do I need to be dressed and looked at as the opposite sex ? The whole cycle of denial, guilt and depression over and over.
When I finally came to terms with my urges, thoughts and the person I truely am inside, it was like being reborn. I accepted myself as who I am. I tried a lifetime to change and I couldn't. I'm now happy, at peace and content.
I hope you can achieve this level of peace.
We're all here in this group because many of us share the same basic concerns and struggles. You are not alone.

Hugs ~ Kim

[KathrynW]

Kathryn ~
You are not alone. I had fought with these same issues for over 40 years. The depression, the guilt and the denial. I was my biggest critic. I heaped more stress on myself than life, marriage and job combined.
Kim-(and everyone else who responded)
Thank you for your kind words of support. It really does help to know I'm not alone, even thought as I'm sure y'all know...it sure does feel like it at times.
Some days are better than others, but at least I'm still looking down at the grass, instead of looking up at the bottom of it. ;)

[Cathy Anderson]

So, it’s a vicious cycle. I need to cd now and then to feel complete, yet...to a part of me, the act of cd-ing is disgusting. Am I crazy? Can anyone else relate to this?

You're not crazy. I used to flip-flop, too. Eventually I learned to accept contradiction.

A sense of humor helps a lot :)

Part of me doesn't approve of CDing. But I wouldn't go so far as to say it's disgusting. You have to have a forgiving view of yourself. I would suggest that if your male side didn't react quite so strongly you wouldn't experience such extremes. That doesn't mean your male side has to approve of it--just that he not react with strong emotions.

Cathy

[Jodi Lynn]

Depression - I really belive we all have it at one time or another. I have been on zolof for the past 4 or 5 years. But to tell you the truth I am not nearlly depressed when I am activly dressing. dressing allways make me feel better.

[Stlalice]

Kathryn,

Depression is an issue that commonly comes along with being CD/TG/TS. So is the guilt, shame, and denial that you speak of. In order to find some peace with what and who you are the best advice I can give you is to find a good therapist who specializes in gender issues. Check the website of the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org or call them about their professional listings for your area. Going to a gender therapist does not mean that you are going to transition - a good one can help you sort out who and what you are and help you get rid of the depression, guilt, etc. Hope this helps - hang in there kid !! :thumbsup:

[Sarahgurl371]

Kathryn,
You are in the right place. Since joining this forum, I have felt better about myself in thelast month than I have for years! What power there is in the knowledge that we are not alone! I too know about depression, guilt, shame, fear, the whole ball of wax. I would suggest a good therapist that may help work thru some stuff, and who may perscribe some form of antidepressant. I am not a big advocate of drugs, but depression is serious, its hereditary. and it is to some extent self imposed. My shrink helped loads. He helped me to understand that I, as a CD, am OK!!!!!!!!! I am not abnormal, I am just different! And thats OK!

Also, some deep introspection of my life made me realize that the reason I was depressed was that I was denying part of myself. No one else denied this, I did! I hadn't enjoyed life for years. Good wife, Good job, OK with money, NIce house, what exactly was the problem? Now I know. I had to own up to myself. Which was difficult, I am my own worst enemy. I have to change that. I, you, we, ARE ENTITLED TO BE HAPPY! So what we like to CD. For some reason it just speaks to us. I am kinda trying to quit figuring out the WHY, for the life of me I don't know. Read all the theories and personal stories, even asked my parents, and I just don't know. Oh well!

Just love yourself, and live your life with dignity and grace. Only you can make yourself happy. I have found that since beginning to accept myself, and its alot harder than it sounds, I have felt a ton better, if I dress or not. Don't get me wrong, I still reaaaallllllly enjoy dressing, but it is a physical representation of internal feelings that I had been suppressing. I am a pretty manly guy, and men don't wear thier feelings on thier sleeves. Since starting to accpet myself, I find that the good feminine qualites definatley potentiate the masculine qualities in life, and I am much more available to friends and family. And that is positive.

I'll quit rambling now. I am really excited for you. You are on the right path, and taking steps to make your life better. And that is great!

[Faye Emmette]

.."...but at least I'm still looking down at the grass, instead of looking up at the bottom of it. ."...
Of course you are. And be happy about the good in your life too, as I constantly do. You aren't hurting anyone and you do nothing criminal.
Be Happy and watch out for your heels while walking on that grass!!