Finally began the conversation with my wife...

[foxyjj111]

I have'nt posted anything lately since my apparent transition progress had become somewhat stagnant. However, throughout the last several monthes, I have really been contemplating telling my wife everthing in order to finally be myself, especially with her in my life if shes willing to support me to some degree. I do identify more as TG and have decided that i would like to someday transition at least partially, so of course i cannot hide my behaviors from my spouse as you can with crossdressing. By the way my wife is very well educated and intelligent so i am hoping she can be clinical and somewhat sensible about what i'm going through. I also think that to this point she does have some idea about my issues, but not the whole understanding.

SO....this started two nights ago when my wife was at the kitchen touching up her nails. i usually help her and, having had a few glasses of wine, figured i would use this opportunity to test the waters a bit to see how she reacts. I casually mentioned that i was going to paint my toes and did so right in front of her. She rolled her eyes at first and then later asked what the F--- was wrong with me and told me it was'nt normal. Skip to the next morning, we are standing in the bathroom and she looks at my red toes and says that shes still bothered by 'that'. At this point i am very disappointed figuring she will never accept any part of my TG side if she doesnt accept nail polish that no one else will see.

Last night in bed she appologized for being harsh about the nails and inquired a little more details about 'me'. i finally opened up and proceeded to explain to her that although i do enjoy being a man in some ways, loving her for one, i have been feeling very confused about my gender. i told her that it started off occuring infrequently years ago, but now has consumed much of who i am. i let her know that i do only love women sexualy and again commented that i especially love her and love being with her. I also said that it is something that has been bothering me and that i wanted to share it with her since she is my wife and that if i cant share this with her than with whom can i.

Her overall reaction was good. She first asked why i didnt just tell her sooner to which i replied that its a difficult thing to talk about and i didnt know how she would react. She recommended that i see a therapist and said she would even set up the appt for me. This morning in the bathroom she looked at me feet and said that i had done a surprisingly good job on my pedi. i told her that it wasnt the first time and she smiled, likely already aware that it wasnt.

So now she has left for work and i'm sure will reflect on our conversation and have more questions when she comes home. I am nervous, anxious, and excited to see what will happen next.

Any advice on where to go from here, from those who have, would be very much appriciated. Do you think i am on the right track. do i let her ask the questions and be patient or push the converstion. I have been very careful about terminology thus far, avoiding words like transsexual or transgender. i did only mention gender identity as a concept. what does everyone think?

Thanks for reading and commenting...

[Annie D]

I'm happy for you in that you confided your true self to your wife. What she may do now, no one can predict. Like you have said, now that she will have a couple of hours to reflect she could be upset that you are a TG or that you have had this secret about yourself for such a long time. From what you wrote, keeping the secret was one of the things that she talked about so be prepared to deal with that issue. Secondly, the fact that you indicated that she would set up an appointment with a therapist tells me that in her mind it is you that has a problem. Hopefully, she will accompany you on your visit and if the therapist is a good one will try to help her in acceptance to you.

I don't have any advice for you because each one of our SO's is different; the time for her to reflect is not generally a good thing unless she gets on the internet to educate herself about TG/CD. You might call her today and give her some good websites for her investigate. What I feel that you should do (advice) is prepare yourself for anything and not get defensive or react too strenuously to anything that she might say. During this initial period of time we need to stay in a "reaction mode" to her thoughts and deeds; there is no way you can anticipate what anyone will say or do or any advice she may receive from an unknown source.

Good luck, keep us posted because we can give you ideas of what worked or didn't work when we confessed and how our spouse reacted.

[Sara Jessica]

Nice outcome so far considering where the tale could have went given her reaction to your pedi.

As for what's next, all I can suggest is to take slow and measured steps. Do not take on a "she gave an inch, I'm gonna take a mile" mentality. She is processing this which will take time. How much time is different for every woman just as whether she will ultimately be able to get her head around this. She might become the most accepting woman on the planet or the most rejecting, but obviously she'll fall somewhere in between. Always remember though, you have rocked her world. So far so good but be very careful...and good luck.

[Cynthia Anne]

What a differance a day can make! That being said I wouldn't push her and I would give her plenty of time to let her think! See if she follows up on 'the' appointment! After thinking a few days she could go either way! Main thing is give her time to let it 'sink' in! You have open the door so let her walk though at her pace! Hugs!

[Marleena]

Good advice so far! I follow my SO's lead and never push her out of her comfort zone. She totally gets what's going on with me. I was miserable for a long time. We've been spending lots of time shopping together. Today it will be makeup shopping. Keep her involved if she accepts. I couldn't ask for a better SO.

[suchacutie]

Hi foxyjj! From your description of the events, your high opinion of your wife, her intelligence, and her love for you comes through loud and clear. In fact, her questions, responses, and interestes appear to be very close to my own wife's as we discovered Tina. From your words, it sounds as though your wife is interested in a therapist for you in order to sort out your feelings, not to "cure" them. I only have one bit of advice, and I'm sure that will be repeated over and over again in this thread, and that is to keep your feminine self as an adventure you and your wife share. To my way of thinking, it's when our gendered selves are completely a part of our relationship with our spouse that the outcome is a long and happy life. Keep the pink fog away, and share everything with her as it develops. Ask for her advice constantly. She can be your feminine side's best mentor and confidant! Oh, and do let her know every day how wonderful she is, no matter what gender you are presenting!

enjoy!

tina

[kimdl93]

Foxy, I'd definately take very slow, measured steps at this point. If you're next step is to discuss this with a therapist, then let things ride till then, unless your wife invites or encourages more sharing. Beyond that, keep reinforcing the value of your relationship and emphasizing your commitment to her. And as Tina suggests, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her...every day.

[foxyjj111]

thank everyone so far for all the great advice. everything seems to be in line with my approach thus far, but its great to here about others experiences to gain insight on what worked well for you and how your SOs reacted. My thought are that i want to be as open and honest with my wife as possible since you never can know how well she will respond. i just may miss out on something great with her if i dont let her in. At the end of the day, i have to be me and cannot be miserable for the rest of my life. i'm sure others feel the same on this...

[Barbara Ella]

Foxy, you have been getting good advice here. Having just gone through this with a highly intelligent and thinking woman, I can definitely say TAKE IT VERY VERY SLOW. While she is thinking this through, she does not need another thing to add to her thoughts. We agreed to a week of all male while she was thinking. Because she thinks so rapidly, that lasted 3 days before she said I should dress in front of her. Reassure her that this makes you feel content and satisfied to do it, and hopefully she will see that the therapist should be a couple thing, and not just for you to get cured. My wife never offered a therapist, she knew this was necessary for my happiness, and she wanted me to be happy.

We have bought clothes together, and tried them on in the same fitting room together. She has bought me lipstick, bras, but the biggest freakout tht pushed her deeper into thought was to see me with nail polish, so you may have hit the rawest nerve.

Your situation is unique, and only you know your wife, but I recommend full stop while she is processing. This is about her right now, and not you. You will be around a long time. you want to make sure she is too.

Babes

[Diana Bain]

Hi Foxy, communication is the key and remember to "listen"...I wish you well.

[foxyjj111]

a very positive update...

I have taken the advice so far and let my wife continue the communication at her own level allowing for her to process things at her own speed. throughout the past week she has been dropping a few accepting hints letting me know she is willing to support me. sunday we were at an NFL game, shes a huge fan, and she proceeded to take the opportunity to let me know how happy she was at the moment, being at the game, being with me...etc. she then told me that she would support anything i needed and that we can make it through anything; that above all we love each other. she said that she didnt want me to be misserable as a male if thats how i so felt. she did joke that she always did feel like a lesbian anyway. i assured her that i loved her and told her that i wanted to be completely honest with her about everything and that i finally had been. i have never felt closer to her since we known each other and feel that we really will get through anything. i know she may be in for a rough road but she is doing well with the initial shock, which is probably the hardest part. i still am allowing things to process very slowly. therapy is the next step and i hope she stays on board throughout....

i wanted to share this because i have always read about others whose SOs are supportive and i never thought mine would do so. i'm sure everyone feels that way at first but it seems there is hope.

[Barbara Ella]

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DanaR]

Very cool, she seems to really love you. Just continue to go slowly and be honest with her. Any surprises, could be a deal killer.

[Crysten]

Well please keep in mind that just as our TG or CD feelings can change over time, her feelings can change too. So, keep that in mind, she may get to feeling that "being a lesbian" isn't what she signed up for after all, which of coarse it wasn't. My wife was ok with my dressing for quite a while, then up and left me after 12 years. It was incredbly hard to deal with. Hopefully your wife is more compassionate and understanding over the long term than mine turned out to be. Did you plan on having kids? Does SHE want kids? Her thoughts will definitley change if she gets pregnant, for sure. I find that being a father basically over rides any TG feelings I might have, so I just stick to dressing when I can. How do you think you would deal with your feelings if you were a parent? Sorry but to me, marriage means having kids, I know this isn't true for everyone, but it is something to consider. Best wishes I hope you guys figure it out!

[JessHaust]

I have been married to the love of my life for 31 years. I told her all about my CD feelings before we married. She has always been good with it, and now that our kids are grown, we are both actively stepping it up. I think that your SO either gets it, or doesn't, there is no convinving someone to accept something they can't understand. It sounds like you may be one of the lucky ones and have an understanding wife. As for kids, i have two adult girls who now both know and support my cross dressing, even to the point of giving me makeup lessons and coaching me on how to walk,talk and act. Good luck.

[12Andy777]

I am very happy for you, Foxy! Positive stories are great for all of us to hear! I wish you and your wife the best of luck!

[Dawn cd]

Just read this thread, and I wonder about your SO's suggestion that you see a therapist. Does she think your dressing is a sickness? Certainly we can all benefit from talking to wise counselors, but in this case your SO may be angling for a "cure."

[foxyjj111]

you know dawn i have been wondering the same thing, especially when trying to see things from her point of view. at this point i'm really not certain but the comment she made about not wanting me to be miserable as a male makes me at least think she may realize the extent of the situation and just wants me to be happy. she has been suprisingly easy to talk to about the issues i have had so i guess time will tell. i am guessing she is banking on a magic cure that will "fix" me and may react a little different when hormones are suggested, but i will cross that bridge when i get there. just trying to keep lines of communication as open as possible. thanks for reading and for your thoughts on the matter.