Out to an old friend

[sandra-leigh]

In high school and university, I was part of a group of about 5 friends that spent a lot of time together. Some of them moved away to better opportunities after undergrad, most stayed. And later I moved away for job reasons, close to 20 years ago now, but by that time I had realized that I was holding the group together. When I go Back Home, I make efforts to see my old friends, but they seldom contact me.

This morning, to my surprise, the now-Californian sent me a nice life update. I haven't seen him for... over a decade, I recon. I'd had been thinking of him from time to time lately, wondering how he was, but had been reluctant to contact him after the long break.

So, this morning I responded with a life update to him and to another of the group that he had also addressed. And then I sent a second message to him alone and indicated that I had GID and am transgender.

This is not the first friend Back Home that I have opened to, but this is the first of The Gang.

I did ponder a bit about why I was telling him, but as I know well, keeping myself a secret gets to feel like a noxious lie. He asked about my life with sincerity, and I told him. And I'll hope for the best.

I'm not expecting hassles, not from him. But I won't know until I get the reply.

Yes, I suck at "stealth", but I could not let an illusion of continuance of the past to drag down my present.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sounds great to me...It takes a lot of guts... I hope u get a good response... I was with a similar group of guys and disclosing things to them was really hard...
One of them is actually still very close and friendly...the others have drifted off mostly

[pamela_a]

You're not alone doing things like that. After I had been living full time for a few months and had gotten my name changed I contacted several of my old school friends. As I expected, their responses were all varied, but I was surprised by a couple of them.

I too wondered why I felt I needed to tell them. I disagree with your thought that this has anything to do with "stealth". They knew me before and that couldn't be denied.

One of the reasons I considered was "sharing the happiness". Since I transitioned life has taken on a whole new aspect and I'm so very happy now and I want to share it with everyone.

The second was trying to connect Pam to her past. Those people knew someone else, someone I pretended to be, but not me. Wanting to share who I am now, who I was then but dared not be or accept. That having them know and understand might reinforce my connection life "then".

I'm not sure there really is one answer or even an answer at all. For me it was just something I had to do

[Schatten Lupus]

I'm probably going to be coming out two of my friends next year. One I have been friends with since the third grade, and he now lives in Florida but we still keep in touch. I see him being weirded out at first but getting over it. My other friend, who I consider my closest friend, I've been good friends with her for about 6 years but she already has a FtM friend so I don't really see many problems from her.
It really doesn't have anything to do with stealth though, but simply making an effort to keep those in your life around. Even if they are people you are sure will not continue their friendship with you, it's giving them the benefit of knowing what happened rather than leaving them hanging. But even if your not trans you still have to put effort into maintaining a friendship, especially long distance.

[kristinacd55]

Wow Sandra, I don't know if I could do that unless I was in person with him. But, I think it's very brave of you to open up like that

[sandra-leigh]

I haven't had a reply yet, but I think it likely that he doesn't check that account regularly.

I did feel like I was imposing a bit, when I asked him not to tell the other people back home... I'm just not ready to deal with some of them yet.

My remark about stealth: that was in reference to how for many people, it turns out to be easier to get away from people who used to know you, easier to "drop out" and break contact. To prevent, amongst other things, the sort of difficulties Frances is dealing with at work. To hide transition (go stealth) until enough is in place to leave the past behind. I can understand the benefits to that kind of approach, but there is something in me that doesn't allow me to do that. I have read the advice to "Trust no-one", and I know that advice is well intentioned and born from years of rough experiences, but it isn't "me". What is working for me is evolving in place. Which is not a general recommendation, just how things are for me.


I was with a similar group of guys and disclosing things to them was really hard...

I find that the more I have "emotionally invested" with people, the harder it is for me to tell them. Your high-school friends can be very important in your life, at the time. Not as important as immediate family for me, but the people you hang out with after school every day and a couple of nights a week, perhaps even share a place with in university, learn to drive with, double-date with, the people that anyone you get Serious about has to Meet... there is an awful lot of personal history between you and them. Even if that time has past and some of them drift away, it is easier to remember the good times than to risk ending the relationship unpleasantly.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I haven't had a reply yet, but I think it likely that he doesn't check that account regularly.

I did feel like I was imposing a bit, when I asked him not to tell the other people back home... I'm just not ready to deal with some of them yet.

My remark about stealth: that was in reference to how for many people, it turns out to be easier to get away from people who used to know you, easier to "drop out" and break contact. To prevent, amongst other things, the sort of difficulties Frances is dealing with at work. To hide transition (go stealth) until enough is in place to leave the past behind. I can understand the benefits to that kind of approach, but there is something in me that doesn't allow me to do that. I have read the advice to "Trust no-one", and I know that advice is well intentioned and born from years of rough experiences, but it isn't "me". What is working for me is evolving in place. Which is not a general recommendation, just how things are for me.

You can do both if you want..

unless you keep your job of course..

All my friends know, all my family knows...nobody else does..

[sandra-leigh]

I did get a reply about an hour ago, and I am pleased to say that matters are going well. The reply expressed thoughtful concern and some very good questions. An example of the concern was about my isolation from friends and family to help get me through. An example of the questions was how much of my life I intended to change, and what I intended to keep the same. Questions that are going to take some thinking to answer.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I came out to a male friend. Silly huh especially when I am confused. I forgot to take off my eye liner and foundation and so he asked if I was wearing makeup. I said yes. He asked why, I replied that I was transitioning from male to female. I actually blurted it out. He replied and so when did this happen? I said I have been having problems all my life. He smiled and told me about a friend in the army who also transitioned. He said he had no problems with it and we continued chatting as if nothing had happened. I told my mother, she said I always thought there was something else but never wanted to ask. Now she has forgotten I ever told her. I also came out to a number of friends in SL. I only have one friend left who still talks to me, the others said they have no problems but they never return my messages. I think I will not say anything to anyone and just do as I want, when I want and I think it is helping me. My parents are old and my mother is frail, I do not want to burden her with my problems anymore as I know she is struggling with just day to day tasks. I am so unsure to say anything to my family as I know I will be ostracised and that will kill mom.
All I know and I no not much because I am learning, hatred and bitterness comes from those you never expect, hatred and bitterness even comes from those who have transitioned yet hold so much resentment against those who do question.
Those who you know, like really know and have known as real friends will treat you no different, those who carry bitterness and resentment are those you avoid because their bitterness and resentment will envelope you and lock you into depression and pain.
But I am sorry, I only know what I have experienced and from this I can share with you what I have experienced.

[boardpuppy]

I consider you very brave, as I have one friend from the old days that I would love to talk to. The problem being we were related once and still by nieces but I am sure he knows there is something going on just not exactly what. The desire is formost in my mind know because of your post.
Alice

[Kristy_K]

I agree with your thinking Sandra about coming out to your friends. I can't hide it and either they accept it or not. There is about 150 people at where I work. I also have work there for over 25 years. I thought about coming out slowly to them but I just couldn't do it. I was so afraid they would think I was just a guy being kinky or something. I did such a fine job of hiding my true self that when I came out it drop everyone's mouths. I have only a few people that won't even speak to me and there are still people that are a uncomfortably with me and avoid me yet. But I am winning them to my side a little everyday. I broke the uncomfortable zone with two more lady's that wouldn't even look at me before today. That for me was a wonderful way for me to end the year at work. For me it has been a slow going for winning my friends back.
I guess I might look different to my friends but most like me because they have fun around me. They love how happy and up beat I am now. It feels so good to be me that I just can't hide it from anyone.

[Gianna]

Sandra,
It is admirable that you are at a place in your lives that you are strong enough to find out who your true friends are. The ones that accept you are as comfortable with themselves as you are with you and worth your efforts to find out who they are. Life is short.