Sometimes I Stare . . . .

[Anne2345]

Whether on television, in a magazine, or out in public, more and more I catch myself staring at women. I caught myself staring at a woman yet again yesterday while grocery shopping. At the time, I was innocently perusing the seafood section, looking for mussels. Given that my wife and I were hosting a dinner party in the evening, I was deep in concentration looking for the items I needed for the dishes I planned on preparing.

While looking for the mussels, I saw her. I saw a woman that completely broke my concentration, and quickly whisked me away into imagination land. I simply could not help but stare, and stare I did. Thankfully, she did not notice, and after a lifetime seemingly passed, I was able to look away and return to my cursed, male reality.

But why was I staring, you may ask? Am I just another dude that is captivated and held hostage by the look of certain women, and desirous or hopeful of taking them to my man bed? Or am I staring for another reason?

Most assuredly, the answer is the latter. Unlike the stereotypical male, I have no desire to have sex with these women or other women (other than my wife). Absolutely none. Not even in the privacy, safety, and comfort of fantasy land.

Instead, I cannot help staring because I want to be these women. I need to be these women.

This feeling of need and necessity is intense, powerful, consuming, and impossible to ignore. It feels like being kicked repeatedly in the gut, to the point where the simple act of breathing is severely compromised, impaired, and made all but impossible.

In this, all the time while staring, I desperately wanted to be the woman I saw in the grocery store. I wanted her body, her breasts, her vagina, her hair, her clothes, her smell, her femininity, her life as a woman. I wanted all of it. I wanted to make her life my own, and to be her. And that I cannot be, that I am not her, that I am instead just some guy, it hurt. It hurt much. But then again, it always hurts when I think about and contemplate the ruthlessly sadistic, cruel joke that has been played upon my gender.

I did, however, manage to successfully complete the task at hand, and finish my grocery shopping. On the way home from the grocery store, though, within the privacy of my car while driving down the interstate, still reeling from the intensity and pain of the moment, I screamed. I screamed loud, long, and hard. Although it did feel good to scream, it did not solve any of my issues.

But at least the dinner party went well. Regretfully, I am still nursing a hangover born from having consumed too much wine throughout the festivities . . . . :sad:

[suzy1]

Anne, you are letting yourself want something that’s unattainable.
Learning to be satisfied with what you can attain and letting the unattainable go is the only way to inner contentment.
You will torture yourself into an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

You have much going for you. Don’t waste it.

SUZY

[sandra-leigh]

Anne, in your thread two months ago, you were asking yourself whether you want to be a woman (as opposed to wishing you had been born a woman.) What is your present thinking on that matter?

[Leslie Langford]

Anne,

I totally hear you and get what you are saying, and have often found myself in a similar situation. The main difference is that I don't think I'm transsexual according to the strict definition of that term because I would settle for looking like that woman and inhabiting her world for a period of time to experience what it feels like, but not actually be her.

BTW, what makes you so sure that the woman you were so drawn to was unaware of your fixation on her and your presumed surreptitious glances and stares? Woman seem to have this uncanny knack for knowing when someone is checking them out even when they have their backs turned to them. I have been embarrassed on more than one occasion when a GG whom I was fixated on suddenly turned around and stared back at me with a quizzical look on her face. Somehow, I doubt that my eyeballs were shooting out some form of low power photon torpedoes a la Star Trek that were pinging off the back of her head to draw her attention, so I can only surmise that in those instances, that infamous women's intuition came into play...

As for that primeval scream - I'm sure that it was very therapeutic, just as it was for the subject of this famous painting by Norwegian artist Edvard Munch ;)

[Aprilrain]

im full time and still feel that way sometimes.

[Debglam]

I think that must be a fairly typical feeling because it happens to me often too. I guess just to prove that sexual orientation and gender identity ARE two separate and unrelated things, I also find the typical attraction to certain women too. Monogamy takes care of that "problem!"

As frustrating as it is, I don't think it hurts to dream a little bit.

Debby

[Aprilrain]

As frustrating as it is, I don't think it hurts to dream a little bit.

What Anne describes doesn't sound like a bit of day dreaming it sounds like gut wrenching soul stealing GID. Its one of the worst feelings a person can experience. I'm sure almost anyone here can attest to that, most people would not wish transsexuality on there worst enemy or their lawyer!

[DanaR]

But why was I staring, you may ask? Am I just another dude that is captivated and held hostage by the look of certain women, and desirous or hopeful of taking them to my man bed? Or am I staring for another reason?

Most assuredly, the answer is the latter. Unlike the stereotypical male, I have no desire to have sex with these women or other women (other than my wife). Absolutely none. Not even in the privacy, safety, and comfort of fantasy land.

Instead, I cannot help staring because I want to be these women. I need to be these women.

This feeling of need and necessity is intense, powerful, consuming, and impossible to ignore. It feels like being kicked repeatedly in the gut, to the point where the simple act of breathing is severely compromised, impaired, and made all but impossible.

In this, all the time while staring, I desperately wanted to be the woman I saw in the grocery store.

I can totally relate. This happens to me sometimes too.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You gotta get a life girl...

a life that is lived for you

[Sara Jessica]

...I desperately wanted to be the woman I saw in the grocery store. I wanted her body, her breasts, her vagina, her hair, her clothes, her smell, her femininity, her life as a woman. I wanted all of it

I'm sure many of us have experience these exact same feelings. And I added emphasis to one of the things you described, her life as a woman. One thing that I am acutely aware of is that even if I were to transition tomorrow, I would still have a life less lived in a female sense. Growing up with all the joy & angst that young women experience. Coming into my own maturity with a strong sense of self as a woman in this world, surrounded by close friends. Friends who I can laugh and cry with. Friends who can share the trials & tribulations of motherhood. And going forward post-transition, short of a successful stealth existence where all that I know and love is left behind, I feel like the trans would always be part of the equation, thus excluding me from the truest of interpersonal relations with other woman.

It's like we can come really close to achieving these things but the line will always remain elusive, never to be crossed. Motherhood becomes parenthood. Friendships can be dear, even now I have some wonderful relationships with natal females, but I sometimes feel that trans element hovering in the background more often than I would like. It's hard to envision that changing which is why Suzy's comment below is such good advice...


Anne, you are letting yourself want something that’s unattainable.
Learning to be satisfied with what you can attain and letting the unattainable go is the only way to inner contentment.
You will torture yourself into an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

You have much going for you. Don’t waste it.

SUZY

...and despite all of the true feelings I describe above, I do my best to remain grounded to the point where I'm not overly burdened by desire for something which is utterly unattainable.

If I transition someday, so be it. If I stay my course on this middle path, then my commitment is to be the best I can in an effort to live the happiest life possible. The feelings described above will come and go. They cannot be allowed to overwhelm.
:hugs:

[Sally24]

Been there myself Anne. And its not always the women you would guess. Somestimes it just a woman who looks very comfortable with herself and moves just so......Hard to explain but very painful to experience the desire, and jealously, and sadness. Sometimes I become introspective. Sometimes I cry (OK, many times I cry). You just have to experience it and move on. Don't let it take center stage in your life.


Good comments SaraJessica. I am walking that middle path with little expectation of going further. While that doesn't stop what feel almost like panic attacks from happening it does make me feel better for we least awhile. I like to think that any efforts I make to further the publics and governments understanding will pay forward to the young generation of preteen TGs. With proper treatment like they receive in Boston they can not only lead exceptional lives but also average lives. That too makes me feel a little better.

[LeaP]

I can't say that it's ever brought me to screaming, but I do find myself looking and doing the same thing at times. It's odd how much a projection can briefly seem real - feeling yourself "as." Sally added the element I often experience, which is sadness as it fades.

Lea

[Empress Lainie]

Even though I have been very happily living for FOUR years now as the woman I really am; yes, I still see women that I wish was looking like; and that is in spite of people telling me that I am beautiful. Oh HELL; I really want to BE Taylor Swift!!!!! Oh well, I know I can't be 20 or 25, and have a svelte hourglass figure; but by gosh, my boobs are as good as anybody's. And I won't ever see 70 again in THIS life. By George, next life I WILL BE a beautiful trim talented woman from birth!

At least Anne (my middle name and one I have associate with all my life - old initials AN!) I NEVER have to pretend to be a male any more, and that is worth Billions to me.

[Nicola2876]

oh Anne, i totally understand how you felt in that moment.

I have been through some therapy and been diagnosed as transsexual and in my sessions i have described what you have experienced as i have done the same. i compare my feelings to the feelings of berievement and loss. it actually sets off a depression in me. A sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

Maybe talking things over with someone could help? i found therapy helpful as I was able to get my head straight on lots of things.

big hugs to you xx

[TGMarla]

Like so many of us, I have also felt that same way. It's a longing feeling with no hope of resolution when seeing a woman who seems to be living the life that we were denied by rolling the dice the wrong way during the genetic crapshoot that made us men instead of women. I wrestled with my own GID for so many years, a heterosexual male who desperately wished I'd been a woman instead. A feeling of "there goes the life I might have had". Heave a sigh, and try to move on.

Sara has nailed the primary reason I never transitioned. Whereas it might allow me to live my life as a woman, I'd end up sacrificing all I hold dear to do so, and even when completed, I'd never really be the woman I wanted to be, with all the memories of my girlhood, and growing up into womanhood, first date, first prom, my wedding day, motherhood, etc. I'd be able to walk a line I could never cross, and beneath it all would be the "trans" element, ever present, never truly leaving. We deal with that enough now, without ever going through transition. Even when it's not hammering at my psyche, it's still there, smoldering, waiting to stand up and shout at me once again.

Sigh.

[Laurie Ann]

I have had the same thing happen to me. I day dream about looking like or being some of the women I see. This can cause problems especially when I am at work.

[kimdl93]

I think a little part of us always longs to be that girl...or the other thousands we'll see and appreciate over time. And I can certainly understand the frustration of not having been born that girl. But, I was not. I am who I am, with facial and physical masculinity that is difficult to disguise. So, I guess I could despair, but to what end? Will it change who I am - of course not. So, the alternative is to change the thought process, and substitute a postive for the negative.

Instead, when I see an attractive woman, (including Anne) I like to imagine not my limitations, but how I might better emulate the things I find attractive in her. Its not being her, but it is learning from her and being marginally better as a result. And that makes me feel good about myself.

[Aprilrain]

I am who I am, with facial and physical masculinity that is difficult to disguise.

This is why god invented FFS

[Dana7]

Anne, you are letting yourself want something that’s unattainable.
Learning to be satisfied with what you can attain and letting the unattainable go is the only way to inner contentment.
You will torture yourself into an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

You have much going for you. Don't waste it.

SUZY


I totally agree with Suzy. We are who we are and although we can change ourselves to a degree, it is just frustration to dwell on the unattainable.

When I see a beautiful woman that I would like to trade lives with, I try to see it from a different perspective. It often happens on the dance floor that I see a woman that is captivating, sensual, beautiful, and charming. I just count it my blessing to be able to appreciate her, converse with her and if I dance with her, to be able to touch her hands and even hold her close. My appreciation for her is like that of a fine wine. I can sense it and savor it.

There may be elements of that woman which I may emulate. But I don't try to be her. I appreciate her.

Anne, there are so many uniquely individual things that are beautiful about all of us. And they go far beyond the simple physical aspects. For instance, I have long admired the elegance of your writing, your ability to describe in deep detail the subtle nuances of thought and expression that make your posts so interesting to read. I can imagine that the woman you were admiring would sincerely envy your ability to express yourself if she had the experience to read your writing, but few of us are gifted the way you are. That is not a reason to scream in envy, but more a reason for us to appreciate your unique individuality and emulate it to whatever degree we can.

I am satisfied to be who I am and I do the best with what I have. And then I appreciate in everyone else their unique individual attributes that are praiseworthy and notable.

It is much more rewarding to feel appreciation than frustration.

[ReineD]

Instead, I cannot help staring because I want to be these women. I need to be these women.

I know I'm already a woman and what I'm about to say cannot compare to what you're going through, but if it means anything, when I look at young, beautiful women who seem to have it all together I wish I could escape from my life and take theirs on too.

My point is, gender issues aside, I think that most of us, at one time or another, envy the beautiful people. We're socialized to envy them through the glamorizing of ideal feminine beauty in the media, and I'm guessing the envy is compounded if someone is trans. So here's my question: when you look at the other 99 women in the grocery store .. the ones who have ordinary bodies, ordinary faces, ordinary clothes, the middle aged women who don't get second glances from strangers (but who are loved deeply by their ordinary husbands :)), do they tug at your heart strings just as much?

And at the risk of having you take this the wrong way (I do believe you are a beautiful person, in and out .. your avatar is mesmerizing), if your life was different and you had a completely supportive wife, employer, and community, and you could begin to take hormones and live openly as Anne, that you would (with your particular DNA) be among the top 5% in terms of physical beauty? Please remember that I don't know you, but I do know that most of us have to come to terms with not having runway model looks. So again, does an average looking woman with an average life, and her own share of issues and baggage (we all have them), tug away at you to such a degree?

I don't mean to dismiss your post or your feelings, just wanting to throw in a fresh perspective.

:hugs:

[Aprilrain]

Reine, when I was 2 months on hormones and not yet full time my friend took this picture of me. I was mesmerized! For the first time in my life i saw a woman I wished I could be and it was me! The feeling was the same though, ENVY! I knew that even though it was a picture of me, that was NOT what I looked like in "real" life at the time. So while it was a captivating image of myself (to me anyway) my joy was tempered by the fact that I still had a long way to go before I really looked like that everyday if ever. that is a wig my hair will never be that full and the poor quality of the photo hides a lot of age and winkles. It was a step in the right direction though better to envy an idealized version of ones self than someone else

[ReineD]

You look very pretty, April. You have expressive eyes and a knowing smile. :)

[Dana7]

You look very pretty, April. You have expressive eyes and a knowing smile. :)

I'll echo that comment. That's a very pretty picture of you April.

[larry]

Well guess I will share a little different-but same- thought. I have always been a Women chaser. Always looked with hungry eyes.
Simply adored Women. So I stared at them all. With lust. I am a closet CD. I catch myself very often these days still staring.
The change is that I am not staring in lust but in awe of the way they present themselves or the way they are dressed and look so good.
I always wonder when I am at the grocery store or mall if they just think I am another lustful guy staring. Little do they know I am just adoring and jealous. hehe

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You look very cute April..especially your big eyes...they are perfect for the shape of your face..

[sandra-leigh]

Simply adored Women. So I stared at them all. With lust.

After these hormones, with this "near-zero" T, I should be lust-proof by now. Yet, if some cleavage happens to fall in to my view, I still feel that I appreciate the sight as much as I ever did. When the lust in my body gives out, I will probably still have "lusted in my heart".

[Anne2345]

I know I'm already a woman and what I'm about to say cannot compare to what you're going through, but if it means anything, when I look at young, beautiful women who seem to have it all together I wish I could escape from my life and take theirs on too.

My point is, gender issues aside, I think that most of us, at one time or another, envy the beautiful people. . . . . So here's my question: when you look at the other 99 women in the grocery store .. the ones who have ordinary bodies, ordinary faces, ordinary clothes, the middle aged women who don't get second glances from strangers (but who are loved deeply by their ordinary husbands :)), do they tug at your heart strings just as much?

Reine, your point is very well taken, and I get what you are saying. You have inadvertently made an incorrect assumption, however. That being that such emotions and desire occur only in connection with the "beautiful people," to the exclusion of the remaining 99% of women. This is not the case. I am not upset that I am not a woman with runway model looks (although that would be nice :battingeyelashes:), I am upset that I am not one, period. Sometimes I have moments, such as the grocery store incident that I described, where such emotions come to the forefront, hurt much, and simply are crushing to me. Other times I can handle it with a decent modicum of emotional control and restraint. But external beauty, in and of itself, does not bring bring on these emotions. Although, as you said, if given a choice, who would not choose to look good?


And at the risk of having you take this the wrong way (I do believe you are a beautiful person, in and out .. your avatar is mesmerizing), if your life was different and you had a completely supportive wife, employer, and community, and you could begin to take hormones and live openly as Anne, that you would (with your particular DNA) be among the top 5% in terms of physical beauty?

You are much, much too kind about my avatar and inner person, but I will take it! :D I am under no illusions, I would not be among the top 5%, 10%, 20% or even 50% in physical beauty. I am not within the top 5% for men, either. Nor do I feel that I have to be. I would not have such unrealistic expectations as a man or a woman.


So again, does an average looking woman with an average life, and her own share of issues and baggage (we all have them), tug away at you to such a degree?

At times, yes.


I don't mean to dismiss your post or your feelings, just wanting to throw in a fresh perspective.

You are by no means dismissive of my post or feelings. I appreciate the fresh perspective. As my psychologist has advised, I take this day by day, and attempt to live within the moment as myself, and not someone I am not. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world. But we all have our ups and downs, difficulties, problems, and battles to fight, right? Every single one of us . . . . All we can do is try to be our best, whatever that may be.

And April, you are absolutely beautiful! :)

[ReineD]

Reine, your point is very well taken, and I get what you are saying. You have inadvertently made an incorrect assumption, however. That being that such emotions and desire occur only in connection with the "beautiful people," to the exclusion of the remaining 99% of women. This is not the case. I am not upset that I am not a woman with runway model looks (although that would be nice :battingeyelashes:), I am upset that I am not one, period. Sometimes I have moments, such as the grocery store incident that I described, where such emotions come to the forefront, hurt much, and simply are crushing to me. Other times I can handle it with a decent modicum of emotional control and restraint. But external beauty, in and of itself, does not bring bring on these emotions. Although, as you said, if given a choice, who would not choose to look good?

My apologies. I did make an incorrect assumption. I guess I should have asked, what was it about this particular woman that struck you so, more than say, the woman who was standing next to her or the woman in the next aisle?

And I'm sorry that you have to be going through these heart wrenching feelings. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. :hugs:

[Aprilrain]

Thanks all for the kind compliments, lots of people comment on my eyes, My 90 year old grandmother said "you have such pretty eyes April!" WOW, never thought that would happen! My point was GD can be so bad that one envy's ones female self. That picture was taken in Florida, on the plane ride back to Ohio I was in "boy mode" (what was left of it anyway) I got my ipod out to listen to music and was looking at that picture trying not to cry. I just wanted to be her ALL the time.

[Anne2345]

My apologies. I did make an incorrect assumption. I guess I should have asked, what was it about this particular woman that struck you so, more than say, the woman who was standing next to her or the woman in the next aisle?

This is a great question. As it was not self evident to me in the beginning, it has taken me a while, and much thought, to figure it out. I believe the number one factor I am attracted to in this manner is how comfortable the woman appears to be in her own skin and with herself. I want myself to match. I want to feel whole. I want to feel complete. And I want to feel like me. I am not comfortable with who I am. A woman that exudes a sense of confident comfort with herself, a sense that she is who she wants to be, and needs to be, is striking in the extreme to me, and can practically put me down to my knees with envy if I allow it.

[Nicola2876]

I suppose I have an ideal of what I want to be and when I see that then it throws me for a moment. A kind of major admiration of a person. Sometimes she possesss a certain look or carries herself a certain way. Sometimes its her clothes I notice, sometimes her smile or the way she has her hair. Sometimes she is stunning in her looks and sometimes not so. sometimes I cant put my finger on why.

I feel heartroken and berieved that Im not like that. I feel envious of her femininity and all that makes her a woman. Not just physically but her whole being. Its the way I am meant to be.

[larry]

[QUOTE=Nicola2876;2711278]I suppose I have an ideal of what I want to be and when I see that then it throws me for a moment. A kind of major admiration of a person. Sometimes she possesss a certain look or carries herself a certain way. Sometimes its her clothes I notice, sometimes her smile or the way she has her hair. Sometimes she is stunning in her looks and sometimes not so. sometimes I cant put my finger on why.

YES !! THAT's what I'm talking about !

[michelleinktown]

Oh I do agree and will be getting FFS done ASAP

[Melody Moore]

Mine is a very similar story to April's, but even before I started on hormones
and every time I presented myself as a female, I looked like a normal female.
Here is one of the oldest photos of me before starting on hormone therapy...

171812

Growing up as a child I always questioned if I was meant to be a boy or a girl?
Being a boy was very difficult for me, I did not like the typical boy things and I
had huge amounts of trouble fitting in. I didn't want to be with the boys at all
and this was made worse by the fact that the other boys bullied me, I wanted
to be with the girls, but wasn't allowed to be. So is all I could do was sit & stare.

[LeaP]

I had someone at work make a nice comment the other day, and it made me think of this thread. Someone brought up the topic of guys who leer at women, make suggestive comments, talk about them when only guys are around, etc. We have had some people in the office who are really over the top, unfortunately. The comment to me was that "but you're not like the other guys in the office." It felt nice. It's also kind of funny, because my wife thinks I DO look. Well, I do at times (although I try to be civilized), but it's not typically because I'm checking them out in a sexual way.

Lea

[busker]

In this, all the time while staring, I desperately wanted to be the woman I saw in the grocery store. I wanted her body, her breasts, her vagina, her hair, her clothes, her smell, her femininity, her life as a woman. I wanted all of it. I wanted to make her life my own, and to be her. And that I cannot be, that I am not her, that I am instead just some guy, it hurt.

That women had a broken arm, she had a mastectomy recently and now wears a prosthetic breast, she had a hysterectomy due to fibroids, her hair is a wig, her smell is perfume from Macys, and her husband is not only cheating on her, but plans a divorce.

Still want to be that woman? I'm with Suzy on this. Be your own woman if that's what you want to be. Being an imitation isn't very good and doesn't last very long. If it is within you, then let your own natural woman flourish. Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. wishing never it made so. There are times for fantasy, but that is going to far. Be yourself, be true to yourself. don't hide your light under the bushel basket. Shine your own light. There, we knew you could do it.

[vikki2020]

I have to catch myself sometimes, from staring also. For me, it's usually a woman with close to the same build as me, and I try to see "myself" in her, how she looks--shoulders, back, etc. Or, her hair style is one that I think would work for me--and I'm trying to study as much as I can,. discreetly!